Loss of Estranged Mother

[Lost_In_It_All]

I lost my mom and though we were speaking (some) at the time of her passing, we had been estranged for years. I find myself grieving my mom, the mom I should have had, the relationship I didn't get, the things that will never be resolved.... 

Does anyone have tools or resources that they might suggest in this situation? I'm still absolutely grieving my mom but cannot be comforted by sweet memories that do not exist. 

[Summersun]

Dear Lost, it is very hard to be in such a situation. And it happens to more people than you'd think. Most do not talk about it, as nobody wants to be the one from a "dysfunctional" family. I have come to conclude though, that while a lot have a parent they were close to, just as many have some things that were swept undet the rug, even in relationships with lots of contact. Hard to tell from the outside. Of course there is truly close bonds as well. 

I just mention this, as someone with some level of dysfunction in my family as well, I know from myself, that the grass on the other side is so much greener. But a lot of it is idealization, one puts other families in comparison, and they seem even so much more perfect, because my deficit makes the contrast sharper, if you know what I mean. So part is hyperfocus and superficial outsider perspective. 

The other part is probably a true loss and must be grieved as such. The only problem is, how does one do that? I know I tend to go in circles in my mind, to figure out, how I ended up where I am, blaming myself and others alternatingly and getting nowwhere... people say one must feel more, and think less to process it all.

Only I am the worst person to do this. To me, the realization came quite late, that even my grieving is somewhat hindered, as I grew up in a family where the expression of my feelings was not exactly encouraged. As is often true in other families with some relationship problems. So if you feel stuck grieving a bond that was not as close ad you would have liked, and then having problems at the same time to truly feel that loss - in order to let it go eventually - it's probably not your fault. You were likely not raised to deal with a situation like this, and through no fault of your own, are now ill equipped to handle the pain.

So my idea is to first not judge yourself, as then you have one more problem on top. As that is easier said than done, find people you trust or look - long term - for professional help. This could take a bit to find the right person or group, and might still be worth it. I know at least I will need it, once I pick myself up and have the strength to go look for help.

It might seem strange now, when before outside advice might have helped more. But I think it is worth noting that especially when a relationahip was enstranged, the loss of a parent is a profound, deep seperation that brings all kinds of topics to the surface that we only thought we had solved in the past. In fact, we only had some kind of truce with the perspective for a later reconciliation. As that is now gone, it is worth acknowledging the pain and finding our own feelings worthy enough of support.

Finally, without knowing your mum, I believe every mother loves her child, whether she could show it or not. So even if she had her own problems that kept her from expressing that, or sometimes they say the opposite to hurt us, please know that your mum then only acted out her own trauma. Deep down she likely missed you. At least my mum could be tough as nails, and I know that she loved me very much, even when she said the most hurtful things at times.

They can only give what they grew up with, and sometimes that is not a lot. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you as a person. Our job now is to translate those rational thoughts into emotions, so our hearts can catch up with our thinking. This can take a while, and we all got the rest of our lives to get there, baby step by baby step, one at a time.

Good luck and feel free to let us know how you hang in there. Hugs and much love to you!