Feeling numb and floating through. Lost Mom and Dad in the last month.

[Sad Son]

To all you men who have lost their moms, I feel for you.  My mom had a stroke on April 3 and spent 8 days in the hospital and returned home for 9 days before she passed.  On April 2nd she was perfect.  In fact, she was out for a walk with her partner when she had her "fall."  At first we thought she tripped on the sidewalk.  She did tremendous damage to her face.  That was what caused the stroke.  It would have been better that way I found out later.  But it was a stroke that caused her to fall.  I live a half a world away from her.  But, fortunately with my job I was able to see her for several weeks every year in the summer.  We had built beautiful memories together and for many years now, we had said everything that we needed to say to one another.  *life tip-say what you need to say to each other.  Don't hold grudges or hold back on anything that is keeping you apart from those you love.  Life.  Is.  Short.

For every painful part of the passing of my Mom, there was a silver lining.  The sadness was staggering, but family and friends reached out.  There were unknowns about her will.  Clarity came.  I felt alone.  I was surrounded.  

The most difficult thing for me was needing and praying for strength (first) so that I could be productive and helpful while she needed me.  I was able to return to the US and see her in the hospital and stay with her when at home.  The other thing I prayed for was wisdom.  I wouldn't say that worked out too well, but I was surrounded by my uncle and sister who collectively made great decisions during this painful and blinding time.  As hard as these lightning speed tragedies piled up on us, I do still feel like there were silver linings all the way along.  And those came by way of Mom's (and my sister's) iron clad faith in God.  I am trying to regain the closeness with my faith as a result of all this.  And, the daily devotions are helping.

I returned back to work.  Then my Dad passed away.  We had spoken on a Wednesday.  He passed that night and I called him back on Thursday.  His partner answered my FaceTime call and she said the angels had come to collect him this morning.  

Now I feel like I am floating and numb.  I'm not sure how to process everything.  I am suddenly without two pillars of strength in my life.  Fortunately, I have a caring wife, family and friends.  But, really I just want to be left alone.  I feel like a feather that is swept up in all this madness.  Pushed around in a wind and I really just want to find peace.  I just want to be on the ground again.

I'm not angry or in denial.  I am just sad.  This story isn't nearly as heart wrenching as others I have read.  Thank you for sharing by the way.  I have been on this site for a few weeks now.  God bless you all.  May His grace find you and help you where you are.

[MomsLovingSon]

I feel for you. I lost my mom not too long before you lost yours. It's easily the worst thing that's ever happened to me and I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose your other parent (my dad died long ago but he wasn't in my life so it never affected me in the slightest) so soon after the first. All the things like wanting to be alone are just how I am. You're fortunate to have so many people that you can lean on, I hope they continue to be there for you when/if you need them.

[Lost_In_It_All]

That is a lot. To lose both parents in close succession. It's understandable that you feel sad. I'm glad to read that you know that you have support. Grief comes in waves. 

I lost both of my parents now too....though there were decades between the losses. Some days or things catch you off guard. Some days are moving through oatmeal. 

[Sarahjade]

I lossed my father suddenly april this year then my mother suddenly the day before my fathers funeral under 5 weeks apart. I am totally loss ,numb and feel like being left alone. Waking in the morning is very painful .

[Summersun]

Hey Sarahjade, i send you my best wishes. This is incredicly tough - one not even buried when the second one goes as well. I can only try to imagine what your going through. I think the part that it is suddenly, so unexpected is the hardest - no time to prepare emotionally. In addition, with the loss of the second one, you grieve alone. Do you have siblings or any mature friends, who do not think, you should be "over it" already?

I think our societies do not know how to deal with death. Most people think it is respectful to leave you alone. When in reality, from what I read here, especially with only children or people who did not have many people before their loss, their parents death can feel like such a punch in the guts, they feel like they might never recover, and sometimes become physicslly ill. Or react with severe panic attacks or just overwhelming sadness, depending on whether we had seperation anxiety from childhood, and it is reactivated now.

Just know if you feel you have too little or no support, it is not about you. As a society we should have established structures for situations like this. Just as there is support for teenage mothers for example. But once we are not minors anymore, we have to fend for ourselves, or at least it can feel like that. I personally think this is to much too ask in situations of such complete overwhelm, for which noone can prepare if it happens so unexpected. Even more so, if the child is middle aged or not entirely healthy themselves.

I too lost mum without zero warning, dad had a stroke already and gets worse every day. I might just be in your situation tomorrow. So please know, we think of you. I have a very hard time getting up myself. Today is a holiday where I live. Everyone has plans, but I grieve. I feel weird going out when so sad, so no picnic or brunch for me today.

These feelings seperate me from everyone I think, and I get now why people say they felt like aliens after a severe loss. One does not understand until it happens to you. Thats the way with a lot of things, so no blame on my environment.

But here on this forum, everyone should get it. So please come back if you need to vent or look for a virtual shoulder to cry on. Even anger is okay - see the rage thread - as it is a way some people feel their own helplessness. Which is probably the hardest thing about death - we are out of control and there are no second chances.

Wherever you are, know there is others who think of you. On days where I feel zero direction or purpose, I try to imagine all of us here on this forum in a big circle, laughing and supporting each other like it was in pre-pandemic times sometime. And it helps me to know, even if they are people I have never met, they would understand, just get it. And then I try to move on and put on my clothes...I take one breath at a time, put one sock on after the other. And breathe. 

All the best to you!

 

[Sad Son]

Thank you to everyone who added to this thread.  Lots of wisdom here, especially when we are all navigating treacherous new waters.  Yes, grief is now coming in waves.  Yesterday, I won an award of sorts.  As I sat there, waiting to have my name called, all I could think about was my Mom.  She is the one I would have called.  By the time I hit the stage I felt nothing but sadness.  The award means nothing anyway, but I would have called Mom and I know she would have felt proud of her son.

One minute I am perfectly fine.  The next can contain such sadness that tears fall and I am gasping for breath.  I don't mind emotion or feel there is anything wrong showing it.  Not that kind of man.  But when I get hit out of thin air, it is a lot to take