Guilt over loss of cat to coyote

[TravelerNW]

We moved to a house two years ago that backs to a natural area. We had a lovely cat who was indoor/outdoor, a rescue. I didn’t want to let the cat out of the house. My husband said it was pointless. We have tried to limit the cat’s time outside, kept him in at night, etc. I worried every day about him. If we tried keeping him inside 100% he was miserable - would yowl.

My husband had owned the cat for the past 13+ years, he was a rescue. He had a second cat who bullied the first, so he spent 99% of his life outside (my husband didn’t realize until later that was happening). We inherited the cat nearly three years ago when my husband’s ex could no longer have an outdoor cat. I was told he wasn’t much for people. My husband said it transformed into a completely different cat after he moved in with us. The cat became incredibly affectionate, just loved me and my kids. He was my kids’ first cat. Spoiled rotten.

We knew coyotes were a huge risk, and their presence has been increasing. A week ago my husband saw one run down the side of our house. I said the cat’s days of going outside were over. I saw a coyote Monday night in our neighborhood on my way home from work, and the cat was out. Got him inside and kept him there. I didn’t want to let him out ever again. By Wednesday the cat was getting insistent he be let out - my husband said it was making the cat miserable to have him only inside.

On Thursday my husband and I let the cat out midday when there were a ton of people around. I just had a bad feeling. Told my husband I wanted to snatch him back up. I had to leave for an event at 5pm. I couldn’t find the cat but knew others would be home very soon and there was a landscaping crew next door making lots of noise. I couldn’t close the cat door because the cat wasn’t inside.

The cat came in when my kids came home at 7pm. My 13 year-old son didn’t understand the danger and let the cat out the front door again a short time later. Not his fault - the cat door in the garage was also still open. Still broad daylight, but the culdesac was getting quieter. I got home a little after 8pm and the cat didn’t come running to the car the way he always did when he was outside.

I knew instinctively when the cat wasn’t inside that he was gone. We looked for him multiple times that evening, and left the cat door open that night. I was up by 5:45am. My heart knew. My husband went looking at 10:45am and found fur in our backyard. It was definitely our cat. My husband, bless him, followed signs until he found and area where it was obvious the cat was gone.

The guilt is overwhelming. This cat LOVED his life, loved being outside. My husband felt it was selfish to force him inside. I know that might be true, but I’m completely broken. I tried so hard to transition him to an indoor cat, but failed. My daughter isn’t speaking to me, left for her dad’s and hasn’t been back (she was home that final hour, I wasn’t).

I know this was a lack of fortitude on my part. I should have laid down the law and said the cat could not go outside anymore. But then that feels selfish because we would have been making the cat miserable. But as my daughter said, he would have been alive.

Trying not to blame anyone. My son feels terrible - I have reminded him this is not his fault. I could have stayed home from my event.

I know this post is long. We loved this cat so much, and he loved us. It just feels as if the cat deserved so much more than I was able to do to protect him. I feel stupid. Know I am for letting this happen.

[AJWCat]

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss of sweet Stardust. Outdoor cats statistically live shorter lives, although there are always exceptions. And, you just never know.

Also, I know the guilt you feel. I took my cat to a vacation house. I made certain there was nothing inside to harm him. (He was strictly indoor.) And yet he somehow must have gotten into something and we think ingested something poisonous. We put him down at the emergency vet after he got violently sick. 

A horrible, shocking night. So I can relate to your devastation.  

We do the best we can. But, bad things happen. Finding fault or blame is useless.
I hope you find some peace. You will, it just takes time. Again, so very sorry for you and your family.  

[foreverhis]

I'm so very sorry you lost your wonderful Stardust.  It kind of sounds as if you were in a "no win" situation.  You wanted Stardust to be happy and safe, but it was basically impossible to have both at the same time.  I know some cats simply do not live comfortably as indoor-only.  From your description, he only thrived and was happiest when he had time outdoors.  You did everything possible to give him both happiness and safety.  My heart breaks for all of you.

Unfortunately, guilt is often an unwelcome companion when we suffer the loss of a love (pet or human doesn't make a difference).  We're the ones left here.  We desperately search for a different outcome.  So we look in the mirror, point at ourselves, and say, "It's your fault!"  I've learned that it is human nature to feel that way, at least at first.  You did your best.  Though it often seems as if that's not enough, I hope in time you will see that it is.  Your husband made choices and had input as well.  Though I urge you to try not to blame him either.  I'm certain that he is as devastated as you are.  Of course your son is not to blame, so it's good that you are reassuring him. TBH, we humans as a species are to blame in part because we keep making it harder for wild animals to survive and thrive.  Not meaning to insult anyone who thinks differently, but increasing population, climate change/extreme weather (e.g., the horrible droughts we have in California have caused the coyotes and other predators to search for water and food wherever they can), pollution, and other human-related activities affect everything, including wild species. 

As for your daughter, well, I don't know how old she is, but if she's old enough to go to her father's on her own, then she's old enough to have a sit down with once you have all had a chance to get through the worst of the shock.  You didn't ask for advice and usually I MYOB, but maybe when she's ready, you could ask her questions like, "Do you think Stardust was happy when we made him stay inside all the time?" and similar.  If she has to think through the entire situation, it may help her realize how many factors were involved.  Right now, it's easiest for her to blame you.  Unfortunately, that's not unusual.  But I bet with time and love, she will come to understand the whole, rather than just the heavy painful grief she is feeling now. 

When my husband was in the hospital, he had multiple episodes of hospital-induced delirium.  I'd never heard of it before, but it turns out to be a real issue, especially with patients who are fighting systemic infections that affect the brain.  During those times, he directed his anger, his confusion, and his pain right at me (and hospital personnel, of course).  It was extremely upsetting.  I called my SIL (his sister who we are very close to), who was caregiver for their mom when she developed dementia.  My SIL is now a certified facilitator for a support group.  I was so upset one day and talking to her on the phone.  She told me that what happens is that, even when it's not a conscious thought, patients most often lash out at the person who is both "there" and who they know deep down will forgive them, no matter what.  That's a convoluted way of saying that I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter is lashing out at you because you are "there" and she knows that no matter what you will love her and help her.  She needs a bit of time.  You know her best and will know when to reach out and start talking about her grief and yours as well.

The bottom line is that you did everything possible to give Stardust the best, happiest life.  For him, that meant being inside for love and care, but also being allowed to explore outside. 

I will keep you in my thoughts.  Please keep coming here to talk or even just to read.  The members here understand the heavy weight of grief and the guilt that so often goes along with it.  You are not alone.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for the loss of your cat, I know the heartbreak and devastation well...I've lost 24 dogs and cats since I was grown (turning 70), it doesn't get any easier no matter how many times.  I lost Miss Mocha to a cougar, a neighbor lost their's at the same time.  I never let my cats out at night, it was June 3, 2016, 6 am, I was outside all day, she liked hunting in the back yard and he would have nabbed her by the neck and made off with her to do his thing...she would have gone into instant shock which would have protected her from what was to come... It was broad daylight and cougars are nocturnal.  That said, they can roam at any given time, not letting her out at night cut the odds but didn't alleviate the threat altogether.  But she had been on her own before coming to me and I know the persistence of cats, they can truly make everyone miserable with their incessant yowling to get their way and they wear us down until we give in!   I have a neighbor that rescues cats and traps feral cats and gets them fixed..  She has a fenced yard with something at the top that goes inward and keeps the cats from climbing over it, but I have acreage and it was cost prohibitive to fence it.  I have a small fence for my dog but cats can easily get over it.

It is hard trying to balance, protecting them vs making them happy, sometimes it feels all we can do is compromise, but with it comes risk too.  I, too, wish I could have Miss Mocha back, although she'd undoubtedly be gone by now, six years later.  On the other hand, I had Kitty (used to being on her own, I met her at 10 and acquired her at 12) until she was 25 1/2.  She stuck closer to the house though than Miss Mocha, and the older she got, the more she felt she'd "earned her retirement."  I'm sure that protected her from meeting Miss Mocha's fate.  I never dreamed she'd live that long.  I had another cat, Autumn, who blamed us for her brother's death (a neighbor caught him in a trap in OUR forest!) and never wanted inside again after that (she was two), she had a harsher life outdoors, we fed her but she no longer let us pet her...she lived to 14, went off to die alone, very arthritic.  I've no doubt she would have lasted longer had she been inside instead of outside, but she chose it, not us.  Nothing was ever the same after Midnight, her brother, died.  

We cannot change what happened, we're only left to try to cope with it and adjust to the changes it means for our lives...loss/grief is hard!  The hardest thing in the world.  I'm sorry your daughter is somehow blaming you, I guess sometimes people do that as it's easier than trying to deal with it and facing mortality.  It's hard.  I wish for her to have empathy for the loss and dilemma you and your husband both feel.

Most importantly is forgiving ourselves.  We are experts at beating ourselves up!  We can be hardest on ourselves.  And THIS is the crux of what I think your daughter may be feeling...she may well feel responsible for not protecting the cat but that's too hard to face...hence, blame you.   Try not to personalize, she won't likely act out forever.  Think of it as aiding her recovery.  However, thus said, it's okay, Mom, to draw boundaries and enforce them...discuss them with her.  She needs to show respect to you regardless of feelings.  Feelings are not facts, feelings are merely something we have to deal with..  And they can be tough.  And they can different greatly from facts.

 

I am so sorry, I have been there, unfortunately, only my Missy Mocha was never found.  I am certain, where I live, that a cougar got her.  She was the sweetest heart of them all, even had a black heart shape nose.  

I am so sorry for your pain, I love this picture of the two of you.  Try to keep those thoughts of the good life you gave her, the love she had.  The one moment does not signify your relationship, we all come to death that does not make you horrible, it makes your situation horrible.  

We all go through the what-ifs in early grief, as a way of trying to find some different possible outcome than the one that happened because this one is too hard for us to absorb, but there is only one reality and that's the one that happened, it takes much time to process it.  I lost my husband 15 1/2 years ago, suddenly, unexpectedly, way too young, and I went through all the what-ifs too, and also with my animals that have passed.  Death is very hard for us to process, it's traumatic to our brains.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

 

[MaddyS]

I am in the exact same situation. My Bengal cat loved the outdoors. I used to walk her on a leash and had tethers to keep her on our property. After turning 5 and escaping so much—she was such an escape artist and would even be out overnight sometimes but she always came back home. I figured, if you can survive during the most high-risk times, I trust you to enjoy yourself a little—I began to soften my approach and would let her out in the mornings. I would always say, “be back by lunchtime!” Of course, I anxiously awaited her return and was conflicted about what I was doing. However, when I started letting her out like that, she was so so happy. She became more affectionate and cuddled me every night as if she knew I was making this compromise with her. Well, she went out Sunday morning and didn’t come back that whole day and night. I knew something was wrong. I walked far in every direction shaking her favorite treats. I made online posts begging neighbors to let me know if they see her. I put out her litter box and food in case she needed help finding her way home. I got a call that a coyote killed her on our community golf course at 11:30AM during a golf tournament—in front of golfers in broad daylight! I am heartbroken and devastated. My baby was happy and so loved. She was so friendly to people and loved dogs. She was beautiful, vocal, lively, very very special and involved in everything. She ruined all of our furniture and never let me work in peace but I wouldn’t want it any other way. She let my 17-month-old daughter rough her up and wake her from naps with a rough pet without any reaction. She let my husband throw her around like a rag doll. She never bit or scratched. She was such a sweetheart!  I did my best to compromise with her but I can’t help but feel I really let her down. It cost her her life. I feel foolish and thought that as a Bengal, she was more equipped to survive out there and wouldn’t fall prey to any coyote. She was a badass and I will miss her forever. I am heartbroken and am guilty of choosing her happiness and excitement over safety. In hindsight, I would have done things differently but with every time she came home, my feelings were reinforced that it was maybe okay. I’m very very sad and I’m sorry for your loss and for every kitty that meets their fate this way. The line between letting them run wild and keeping them safe is a very difficult one. May our babies Rest In Peace. I hope my baby gave up a hell of a fight. Xx Mila aka Kiki Sneaks Marie ❤️

[KayC]

She behaved almost feral it seems.  I am very sorry for your loss.  I lost my Miss Mocha to a cougar June 3, 2016, but it was on our property near the woods.  I too put out flyers, talked to neighbors, etc.  

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html