My Story - trigger warning...

[JessiRose69]

I got married in 2019, looking at it now I couldn't even tell you if it was because I was in love with him or because he made me believe that no one else would want to be with me. Throughout our whole marriage he was emotionally abusive. He would degrade me almost daily, I had to make sure we had sex at least every 2 days or his behaviors would get worse towards me, I wasn't allowed to do anything that I personally enjoyed because he wasn't interested in it. I didn't have very many friends of my own because he didn't them. I'm big on playing video games and he would never let me play any games with other people unless he was right there. Around Halloween last year I realized how unhappy I really was and started talking to a personal friend I had about it. This person was just a friend, and he kept telling me that he didn't like how my husband was treating me and he was having a hard time not saying anything to him about it. Around Thanksgiving I started to withdraw from my husband even more and a couple weeks before Christmas he showed up to my work and demanded to go through my phone. It turns out he had gone through my computer, my iPad, and a journal I was keeping because he was convinced that I was having an affair, I was not.  Throughout our whole marriage I knew he was cheating on me but I only caught him one time and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. After him going through my things I decided that I wanted a divorce, but he wouldn't listen to me about it. He kept refusing to leave the house if I divorced him and would constantly blow my phone up with text messages until I acknowledged him. It got to the point that I just told him that we were separating so I could get him out of the house. Throughout this separation I started streaming the games I play and had asked him not to watch, so he created a fake account and would harass me as well as himself to make it look like the account wasn't his. While watching the stream he heard some things he didn't like and stormed into the house and started yelling at me that I was an attention seeking whore that was acting like a teenager. I filed the paperwork for the divorce the next day and decided that I would serve him the papers and not the sheriffs office. On the way to the place he was staying I had a gut wrenching feeling that something horrible was going to happen and that I needed to leave. He kept trying to force me to go into his bedroom so I could read a note he typed up for me. I refused to do so and he signed the papers and threw the pen at me. Once I left he called me 4 times then sent me a message that he was going to kill himself. I still had a bad feeling so I called for a wellness check to be done on him. Three hours later law enforcement was at my house to inform me that he had killed himself in the room he kept trying to make me go into. To me, from the way I was feeling that day and how different he was acting I have no doubt that it was either going to be a murder suicide that happened or he was going to do it with me in the room.

[RN-Nix]

@JessiRose69wow !!!!! I am BEYOND sorry that you endured such a HORRIFIC experience BUT as oxymoron that this may sound, I am even HAPPIER that you ARE here with us and lived to tell this HORRIFIC story. A classic example of all kinds of abuse and torment, manipulation and just plain EVIL. Usually it hurts my heart when someone comes on here but I'm glad YOU are here. Please don't blame yourself for anything. Guilt is such an ugly part of the grieving process. It's such a burden as if the loss and even the way in which the person passed isn't burdensome enough. We are here for you as much as we can be. Share your thoughts, the good the bad and the ugly. There are so many kind and caring people here. We support each other the best we can. Sending you a big hug!!!!!!I also meant to say our instinct and intuition is there for a reason. They usually feed that fight or flight . So grateful for that "gut instinct".

[KayC]

20 hours ago, JessiRose69 said:

he was convinced that I was having an affair, I was not.  Throughout our whole marriage I knew he was cheating on me

This is a telling statement.  People who cheat themselves suspect/accuse THEIR partner of cheating!  I went through this in my first marriage, huge red flag waving!

I am glad you are safe now. Do NOT accept guilt/responsibility for what HE did!!!  I am so sorry you've going through any of this!  You are lucky to be alive although you probably don't feel very lucky about anything.  This is going to take some professional counseling to help you get through this intact, but you can do this...I did...only my XH is still alive, on wife 8 I think and never raised or support any of his kids....mine he beat out of me.

He had issues, serious ones, but you were not one of them, he tried controlling you in a way to control the only thing he could...his inner demons he could not.  Sad but so...

My heart goes out to you.  I hope you have good support.  Ditch anyone who is NOT supportive!  We're here for you, even if we can't do anything but listen and care, we will do that.

Some of these may not feel applicable in that your situation is unique, but others may...you may grieve the person you thought you were marrying.  You may feel loss/love/relief/all kinds of differing feelings at the same time...nothing is wrong with you, grief knows no limits and doesn't have to make sense, it just is.  I am naturally relieved you are out of danger but I know you have a journey ahead of healing, realizing self-value, and advise you realize how special you are and become your own best friend.  Practice patience, understanding, kindness to yourself, treat yourself as you would your best friend.  Sending you much love and hugs your way.  I have a daughter trying to get out of a horrid marriage....it was good until he started drinking and it changed his brain.  This is real folks.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Ronni_W]

Dear JessiRose69,

I am so sorry for the pain, suffering and anguish that you are going through.

The only thing that I know for sure is that I cannot even begin to imagine how it really, truly is for you.   If I do go to try to imagine it, though, then it feels (within my own self) extremely horrible and draining and depleting and confusing and exhausting. On one side, I would be very happy to be free of any type of abusive relationship; on the other side, the circumstances of how I came to be free certainly would also be a factor for how I can grieve and heal.

For me, there isn't any person on Earth who deserves to go through what you went through, and what you're going through. But I also know that I am not an expert or the authority for anyone else, when it comes to this. For me, I would say that you did not deserve it, JessiRose69, and that you do deserve to come to your own full, 100% healing.

I am willing to help or be of some comfort, if I can. I will sit with you, and cry and laugh and cry again, and go through all of those other roller-coasters of emotions with you, that are all too familiar amongst this community of grievers and fellow-grievers.

Sending you love and hugs and comfort and strength.   Ronni

[tnd]

On 5/20/2022 at 8:54 AM, JessiRose69 said:

To me, from the way I was feeling that day and how different he was acting I have no doubt that it was either going to be a murder suicide that happened or he was going to do it with me in the room.

That's terrible! I'm sorry you went through something so awful. Glad you listened to your gut. 

[KayC]

Thinking of you and wondering how you're doing today...