8 weeks today

[Suea]

My love left 8 weeks today. I feel worse now since I am not in shock and on auto pilot. To make it worse I am having to deal with all the paperwork and bills from his illness. Plus dealing with a multitude of feelings. I started grief counseling but I sense this is going to be a long road to walk. I feel sad, alone, angry, depressed etc etc etc.

[PLin]

Sending you much compassion Suea. It is a very difficult time. I agree that having to do the paperwork when we are feeling saw raw is very tough. Allow yourself to feel all of the feelings you describe. They are all acceptable. I find trying to bury the difficult feelings or trying to distract myself from them only makes things harder. It is nice to have a community here who understand. 

 

 

[Suea]

People here seem to truly understand the depth of grief felt when losing a life partner. 

[Suea]

Thank you for caring and listening.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, Suea said:

To make it worse I am having to deal with all the paperwork and bills from his illness.

I am really sorry that you are going through this. I had to do a mountain of things after my husband passed. The only way I got through it was by talking or venting about it here on the site. Thankfully, I was given and still have a lot of support from others on here who are grieving. I also prioritized what to do each day, even allowing for days to rest. Don't expect too much from yourself because the fog of grief likes to creep in and out a lot and then it becomes too overwhelming. So prioritize and then don't think of anything else for the day. Only do what is on your list for the day. It might be just one task or maybe a few but don't feel bad if you can only do one for the day. Or week. The idea is to do something but not to knock yourself out doing it. With a loss such as the one we have suffered, every aspect of our life has changed. 

[Laura Vence]

I am so sorry for your very recent loss. We all do care! We are all going through it. I am still in the midst of copious paperwork and all kinds of issues after the death of my husband 6 months ago, and it is horrible to have to do all this when so spaced out and mentally fraught with grief. I have tried talking to friends of mine about things that should be done prior a death like this that would make it easier on the surviving partner/spouse, and they have been only rude back. So I won't talk to them any more about this kind of thing--which makes the grief worse. 

I wanted to mention that there's something called Camp Widow--someone might have mentioned the organization here. I have signed up to go to the camp/conference (for any gender of "widow") in San Diego in mid-July. I hope to meet some people in my situation. It is very lonely, difficult, and I struggle to manage. 

[Suea]

Thank you for posting. I need to talk about what is going on but if you have not lost a partner then you don't really get it.

Please post more info about camp widow.

[Suea]

Tbd you validated my brain fog is real. I thought I should be thinking normally by now. I am so glad it is not just me. Dementia and Alzheimer's took my husband I was fearful it was happening to me now. Some days I can barely get dressed. Thanks for saying it's normal to feel this way.

[Laura Vence]

No, you are OK. I thought too I was in early dementia (I'm 65). 

But then I heard and read about "Widow's Brain. It's a REAL THING! (I'm using "widow" in a gender-neutral sense.)  I am a trained academic and I CANNOT THINK! Every task I undertake is so difficult because everything takes so much time. I don't know when or if this will go away. It's really really hard. 

At least I can assure you that you are not alone! 

Laura 

[Suea]

I'm sorry you and others here have widows brain too. However I am relieved to know it is a real occurrence and I am not alone. I am 71 and was his caregiver until his last 6 weeks of his life. I had caregivers Burn out that exasperated my MS. I could no longer do it myself. I could still advocate for him daily. But now I can't remember my name. Aughhhhh

[Laura Vence]

I did intensive caregiving for my husband only 5 months, and many months later I have not recovered from that either--as well as his death in October by a long shot. It must have been terribly hard to care for someone with Alzheimers/ dementia! Of COURSE you feel exhausted, burned out, and full of grief as well. "The fog of grief"--that's a good phrase. It's beyond terrible. Try googling "Camp Widow." They also have something I think in other cities. There's a schedule of events and you can get involved as you feel up to it. I'm just hoping it helps me. I lost my only son, too, 11 years ago, and the rest of my family of origin is completely non-responsive and uncaring. I have little or no support with my husband gone. It's terrible and sometimes I feel like I just can't survive any longer like this. I'm supposed to go back to work in the fall, but I can't imagine myself being in shape to do that kind of academic work and teaching (which is already hard enough these days) feeling this way. 

Hoping it helps a wee bit to know you are not alone. This site has really helped me in that way. 

[Jemiga70]

5 hours ago, Suea said:

However I am relieved to know it is a real occurrence and I am not alone

@Suea  I am sorry for what youve gone through and continue to struggle through.  There is no easy way.  My wife passed just over 1 year ago.  You are not alone; I'm 51 and my brain feels shredded.  The fog of grief IS real because we here know it, we experience it.  Somehow I'm able to do my work but I think it's because my work is task based and routine; not a lot of cognitive effort needed --  I'm thankful for that.  Others here have said try to stay in TODAY, or in the MOMENT; don't fret over tomorrow.  That has helped me.  Besides, my brain can't compute much beyond today anyhow.  May peace and comfort find their way to you,

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Suea said:

My love left 8 weeks today. I feel worse now since I am not in shock and on auto pilot. To make it worse I am having to deal with all the paperwork and bills from his illness. Plus dealing with a multitude of feelings. I started grief counseling but I sense this is going to be a long road to walk. I feel sad, alone, angry, depressed etc etc etc.

I am so sorry anyone has to go through this...my sister/best friend died 3/28, I know it's one of those losses I'll never be "over" as we were best of friends, I also took care of her although she had a separate home.  I'd thought about having my home or hers remodeled so I could live WITH her as her dementia escalated, but I never shared that with anyone.  (She had mentioned I could live with her.)  As it is, she didn't update her will, have a POA or anyone on her bank account and it's left a huge mess that will take a long time to take care of...no easy fix.

13 hours ago, Laura Vence said:

have tried talking to friends of mine about things that should be done prior a death like this that would make it easier on the surviving partner/spouse, and they have been only rude back.

I am so sorry, I don't get that.  I plan to make an appt. with a friend who does wills to update mine, I also want to do a POA and add my son to my bank account, it'll make it a lot easier if/when I go.  We don't all get advance notice!  I'd say keep preaching it but you don't need the negativity back!  These people will find out...my friend is out of state right now, but when she gets back...

12 hours ago, Suea said:

Dementia and Alzheimer's took my husband

My mom and sister had that, VERY hard.  I have an e-book on it that helped me, if anyone wants a copy, message me your email and mention it and I will email it to you.  Helped me GREATLY, short and simple.

12 hours ago, Laura Vence said:

I heard and read about "Widow's Brain. It's a REAL THING!

Goes by many names:

Grief Healing: Coping with “Brain Fog” in Grief: Suggested Resources
Brain Injury comparatively
Brains: when we process loss
Broken Pot
Grief Brain - Broken/fixed pot
Grief Healing: Coping with “Brain Fog” in Grief: Suggested ResourcesGrief, PTSD, and Your Brain | HealthyPlace
Grief, PTSD, and Your Brain | HealthyPlace
Widow Brain
Grief brain-loss of mind
Grief Brain-reality

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Suea said:

I had caregivers Burn out that exasperated my MS. I could no longer do it myself.

You are not alone!  This is VERY common in early grief; in fact, I'm not sure my brain is the same since (it's been 17 years), I know it changed my being an exceptional perfect thinking employee to lesser, although it did improve to an extent.  I wasn't able to focus, watch t.v. for years, couldn't read a book for enjoyment for ten years!  I did read grief books or how to manuals as needed.  But it definitely affected me.

Caregiving after it ends
 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Laura Vence said:

many months later I have not recovered from that either-

Caregiver Burnout

I recognize so much of this in myself as well, having taken care of my sister with dementia and disability, since her husband passed 1 1/2 years before.  It was a LOT, with countless eye doctor trips out of town (probably a dozen 120 mile round trips plus dental trips the same), cooking, cleaning, shopping, listening/talking, visiting, laundry, and any/all common sense instructions in which she'd be stubborn and argumentative...but I love/d her and losing her was so hard!  I'm glad she was spared being institutionalized, but I'm having any and all emotions going through this...