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My husband passed away due to cancer disease


reihaneh

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Hi everyone,
This is my first time being in this group.
I lost my husband 4 weeks ago due to cancer disease.
Now I feel "fear" and "angry".
I feel fear because:
    everything starts as a tiny dot on a skin! But finally, it was the worst aggressive cancer type. It was on the face of my husband. Due to cancer, all the skin and then meat of that part got cancer, and for 2 years one side of the face was without meat. I can see the bones. Although we cover it with bandages, I have to recover every 2 days. I saw and felt how the human being is so unstable. How hard and full of pain it is.
I feel fear cause I know it can happen to me too, and it was very very very hard.
I feel fear cause I want a guarantee for life. For example, I want to be sure that if I am a good person, then the worst scenario of the life will not happen to me. But, my husband was a great person, and it happened to him.


I feel angry because:
 I think my husband and I deserved more than this. We were a good couple. We both tried our best to be kind and good people. Why did this happen to us? It was very hard.
I can see that evil persons, who do not respect other human beings and think about themselves, have a great and happy life.

I am confused. Please help me. How can I overcome these feelings?

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1 hour ago, reihaneh said:

 I think my husband and I deserved more than this. We were a good couple. We both tried our best to be kind and good people. Why did this happen to us? It was very hard.
I can see that evil persons, who do not respect other human beings and think about themselves, have a great and happy life.

I am confused. Please help me. How can I overcome these feelings?

I am so sorry for your loss. What an agonizing, tragic and unjust few years for you and your husband to have lived through. 

I truly wish I had an answer for why this happened to you. I keep asking myself the same thing. Why did a sweet, innocent man like my partner with three adult children who needed him in their lives and four young grandchildren who didn't get the chance to grow up around him have to be taken out of this world while so many evil ones remain? Doesn't make a damn bit of sense at all and I suppose that life isn't suppose to make sense. I will say this...that the ones who are good, kind, decent and caring are the ones capable of sharing and feeling true love so if their time is meant to be short-lived, at least they were able to spend that time within the realm of warm love and loving rather than years of cold, self-hating, sinister vengeance. 

Hugs to you

Don

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I am so so sorry...my parents both got melanomas and so do I.  I have to go to the dermatologist every three months, she usually finds something.  You mention being good people and how unfair this all is, I think all of us here can relate...but it has nothing to do with good or not.  Life is unfair.  If it's doled out in some kind of manner I'm sure many of us will have questions to want answers on when we get "there."  But I don't think that's how it is.  I no longer try to over analyze "why," instead ask, "What now?"  I asked "Why" the first year after my husband died (right after his 51st birthday on Father's Day 2005) but never got any resounding answers so I finally quit asking.  I don't think there IS any making sense of any of this!  

Yes we feel gypped of getting the "rest of our lives" together, of getting to retire together, grow old together...THAT was the plan!  I guess the universe doesn't care about our plan. :(  Please know we get it and understand how you must be feeling.  I wish we had answers but I'm afraid understanding is all we have...

I do hope you'll continue coming here and reading/posting, it helps, it really does.  There's something about feeling heard, sometimes it helps just to have a place to vent to!

We're here, listening, caring. 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Dear @DWS, Many thanks for sharing your story. Now I know that I am not alone. There are great people worldwide that listen to my sad story, take time on it, and want to make me happy—many thanks. I like your last sentence. Yes, he had a short life, just 36, but it was full of happiness, kindness, and love. And now, he is undoubtedly in a better place. Again, thank you very much for your time, consideration, and great notes.

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Dear @KayC, I have to say that you are a great person. I hope you will get well soon, and I pray for it. Reading your great comment makes me calm—many thanks.
Yes! I have to change "Why" into "What now?". I will write it on paper and read it every morning.
Also, the tips are great. How can I thank you for these rich tips?
I am going to print it right now and read it every day.
Again, Many thanks and I will pray for your health and happiness from now on every time :) 🌷🌷

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@reihaneh I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks and I am crying with you reading your story.

It must have been so incredibly difficult for you and your husband. I lost my beloved husband to cancer just over 5 months ago and it has been so hard and painful. I wake up every morning asking the same question you are asking. Why does it have to be him who was such a wonderful person? I understand that we probably won't be given an answer to that question until it is our time to go I guess. But one can't stop questioning why in the face of this tremendous loss. I am hoping that we can make sense out of all this pain in time.

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My daughter is turning 40 in a month.  Your husband is younger than her!  I can't imagine how hard this is and how gypped you must feel.  I'm glad you had good years but it does seem so unfair.  Her long time husband left her 3 years ago right after she lost their baby.  I'm not sure which is worse, her heartbreak has been tangible, I doubt she'll ever be "over it."  (Alcohol changed his brain)  I don't know which is worse, to have everything and lose it or to have one disappoint so harshly!  Sometimes I think she's in the worse position than me as I still have our memories, unsullied, intact, and know our love is real and still exists.  

You have found a place here where others do understand how you feel...

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