Soulmate murdered now my souls feels cursed.

[JoyR]

I tried finding love again just to see I’ve been blind and vulnerable. I can’t even choose wisely and I’ll never find a good guy or ever get married I feel useless, helpless, defeated, lonely , and stupid!! Did everything everyone told me and tried move on and now I’m stuck in grief again , in love and back in grief because this person causing me mental pain worse ever. And I can’t let go even though I should because I have abandonment issues from my boyfriend being murdered and now I can’t pull myself out of grief for something I know I need to walk away from. I’m back missing my partner wishing he never left me to struggle this hard . And I hate my life !!

[steveb]

Joy, I’m so very sorry for the grief and pain you are feeling.  There is nothing wrong with seeking some help (church, medical professional, etc.) to deal with your pain.  It’s good that you are sharing your feelings on the forum. It always helped me coming here and getting the support from the wonderful community here. 
 

Hugs and prayers heading your way,  steve

[Gail 8588]

@JoyR

Joy, I am sorry you are in such pain. I was crushed by my grief for several years also, not knowing if I would ever experience any happiness ever again. I remember clearly how awful that existence was for me and I am so sorry you are in a similar situation. 

I admire you for having tried to enter into another relationship. It takes a lot of effort and courage to open yourself up to another person.  I am sorry it didn't work out. 

I am glad you came back here to share.  We are here for you and we understand how very hard hard this journey is. 

Be kind to yourself. One day at a time.  You really will find your way forward. It's just a long hard journey. 

Gail

[KayC]

Joy, I remember your story well, I felt a connection with you and have never forgotten you.  People tell us to move on because it makes THEM more comfortable, but the truth is, we don't "move on," we learn to live with it.  There is nothing wrong with finding another person to spend your life with if you've first given yourself time to fully grieve, process that grief, get used to living on your own without someone else, have learned to value yourself, and then are in a position of readiness for another relationship.  I made the mistake of falling prey to someone in my vulnerable state after losing George...HE found ME, I didn't go looking, huge mistake!  He was all wrong for me, I soon discovered that, but not before he used my credit for $57,000, quit his job, and went into hiding in our new motorhome which I got stuck paying for and never spent a night in!  I'm still paying financially.  He was a con, I call him Con Jon for obvious reasons.  I feel like a fool.  Most people were smarter than me, I've often asked myself why I had to be the stupid one!  Dr. Phil says it's not to our discredit, it's to theirs, we don't think like they do, we'd never do that to someone else, so it doesn't occur to us.  I'm pretty cautious now and have learned to depend on myself and don't even date.  I realize that George was special and not someone who can be replaced.  I'm not saying you've made the mistakes I have, not at all, I don't know your details/situation, but I do know that I can't be the only one in the world to fall vulnerable when overcome with grief, literally out of my mind and deep in grief fog, desperate, anxiety ridden!

I agree with Gaid, got to hand it to you for trying!  I'm sure everything we've experienced has taught us things we take with us going forward.  You WILL find your way, just don't give up.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?  Some seem to luck out first try, some don't and it takes more time.  I'd be willing to bet you've learned a lot.

If it's not working, get out of it.  Value yourself, respect yourself, honor yourself.  Cherish the one you lost.  Value the individual attributes of others you meet, try not to compare or expect anyone to replace him, but do look for the one who fits with you in their own way...when you are healed and ready.  Sending you much love and hope for a brighter tomorrow!

[JoyR]

Thank you . I guess this sums up everything. I feel stupid and vulnerable. And I am filled with anxiety, worry, and abandonment. I feel undervalued and overwhelmed to not fail . And no one can replace him. So these things I’m going thru now feels like hell on earth. I’m already broken and I don’t want to be alone. Everyone around me is happy, married, dating and I’m giving my all to a guy more broken then me. It’s like I’m attracting broken birds and people with depressed, addiction , and mental issues. A complete opposite of myself. And all my energy has been depleted helping these people . I’m tired

[KayC]

16 hours ago, JoyR said:

I feel stupid and vulnerable.

You are not stupid, we are ALL vulnerable in the early years of grief!  Although my story would make a Dr. Phil show (or horror of horrors, Jerry Springer! Ugh!!!) it is NOT indicative of who I am, who I know myself to be...those who know me know I am strong, capable, caring, loyal, learn from things, admit wrongs, and am anything but stupid!  It goes to show how any of us in early grief can fall prey...we are desperate, anxious, terrified, in shock, in grief fog, unable to think, hard time sleeping, eating, anxious!  Such is grief.  We were are vulnerable it is to how grief affects us.  It takes time, learning, determination, growth to get through this, neither simple nor easy.  I've no doubt you will be okay in time.  As okay as any of us are.  

16 hours ago, JoyR said:

Everyone around me is happy, married, dating

Oh boy, don't I know it...I'm turning 70 this year and my friends are all married, still with their partner.  That doesn't mean it's all roses!  Some have struggled with the affects of Covid, some cancer or other hard conditions, chemo, etc.  Their lives aren't easy, yet we ask ourselves, why couldn't I still have MY partner to go through all the hurdles of life with!  I don't know the answer to that, maybe God sees something in us He thinks we can handle this, maybe He wants us to draw on HIM for strength to get through this, I don't know, I don't feel "chosen" or "special"...I just feel alone.  But maybe that's it and what I'm supposed to get, work on.

16 hours ago, JoyR said:

It’s like I’m attracting broken birds

Oh man, you're a younger version of me...I had to learn I can't fix anyone, be their all, help them, I have only to work on myself.  I see the same in my daughter.  I finally broke the cycle of thinking I "needed" someone to complete me, of going from one relationship to another...now I've had 17 years to live alone and be on my own.  It hasn't been easy but it's been good to realize when going through the tough times "I made it through this, I'll make it through that."  I've endured storms, devastation, losses, unemployment, age discrimination, things breaking down, major decisions, home repairs, budgeting/finances, being alone.  I've had falls, broken bones, even my right elbow with a stick shift car to drive to work!  Surgeries.  All alone.  And I've done it.  One thing these years has taught me is I am a survivor!

You will see that in yourself too, in time...

17 hours ago, JoyR said:

And all my energy has been depleted helping these people . I’m tired

Rest dear child, rest.  

[HisPumpkin]

Oh Joy, my history is somewhat the reverse. For my whole life I’ve mostly attracted people who take far more than they give, some very much abusive - emotionally, mentally and a few also physically. Many situations where I set myself on fire to keep other people warm. Throwback to early trauma which I won’t go into but there was a lot of abandonment issues there too. I let the wrong people continue cycles with me.

Met D, he showed me how different it can be when it’s healthy, 50/50, and safe. Then he passed away very suddenly and bam, there come back my abandonment issues in full throttle. 

But what I do is this: I remember how D treated me, respected me, communicated with me, loved me. And how he would be so freakin mad if I ever let anyone treat me badly again. Not at me - I actually had a dream the other night after my abusive ex had emailed me where D asked me if I wanted him to go cut his break lines (I just remembered that!). 

Anyway - what I’m saying is this. I understand that trauma and pain can put us into spin cycles of bad patterns. These then just cause more trauma and pain, an exacerbation of what we are trying to heal from, that makes healing even harder. Think of your worth through the eyes of your love - don’t settle for anything less than being treated the way you deserve. 

(I’m nowhere near the new dating stage yet, but if I ever do get there, I’ll be vetting them through D’s eyes). 

 

[KayC]

I think that may be what Joy feels too, IDK, she'd have to speak for herself, but as a "rescuer" I'm sure she feels depleted and if she needs anything it's not someone with a broken wing, but someone who can be adult on her level and GIVE to the relationship, not someone she has to fix.

 

[RN-Nix]

@JoyR I am at a loss for words because I've read what others have written and they are ALL on point. No one is perfect but you have to keep telling yourself that you deserve nothing but the best. We are so vulnerable when we loose our loved ones and that makes it easier to fall for someone that was not meant for us. Define YOUR standards and stick to it don't lower it for the sake of not wanting to be alone. I'm very sorry that you lost your love in such a tragic way but think about what he would want for you. Read and reread what everyone has said to you on this thread. Their points are all valid. Stay encouraged. We are all here to encourage each other the best we can 

[KayC]

IMO, we can't set the bar too high...we've had the best, it's okay to be picky!  Don't settle.  You are more valuable than that.