My wife's death

[1050_harley]

So I have been told by a lot of people that drinking alcohol whilst grieving is ok so long as the drinking doesn't go overboard. Well I got pretty intoxicated on my wife's death anniversary and had unknowingly attempted suicide.. one moment I was sitting on my bed drinking and the next I am trying to hang myself and I didn't even realize what I was doing until the last second when something triggered in my brain and I told myself I was going to die I'd I don't stop. Every time I have drinks I have thoughts about suicide and depending on who I drink with I may talk about the situation but this night I was drinking heavily alone and I was depressed. The medication that I was given is clearly not working. Today I will drink again and see how things go.

[Gail 8588]

@1050_harley

Harley, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so unfair that she was taken so young.  When you have found your true love, your soulmate, it is devastating to lose them.  

I was fortunate to have been married 38 years to my love, but it broke me completely to lose him. No amount of time is ever enough. 

I am praying for you tonight, that you will survive. Please seek help for your thoughts of suicide.  Alcohol is a depressant and is not your friend right now.  

I know the past three years seems like an eternity to you.  I was just as lost as you sound at 3 years. But in my 4th year, was able to find my way back to the world and to life. You won't always be in this much pain and despair.  Don't give up on your life. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, 1050_harley said:

so long as the drinking doesn't go overboard. Well I got pretty intoxicated on my wife's death anniversary and had unknowingly attempted suicide

I would say that's overboard...try to get help with the drinking.  It doesn't help us learn how to process our grief, let alone value myself, just me alone, which is an essential part of this journey.  This is a long hard journey, of that their's no doubt!   It helps to put in the grief work...and come here, read/post.  No judgment, if I thought drinking would help, I'd be right there with you!  I just know it doesn't drown our sorrows or help us.
Grief Work
Grief Work

17 hours ago, 1050_harley said:

The medication that I was given is clearly not working.

Go back to your doctor and tell them that!

[DMB]

I am glad you survived that night and hope you continue to.  Gail is right, don't give up your life.  It is very hard to carry on.  I am coming up on 2 yrs and I just wanted to share with you that alcohol is definitely not a good coping mechanism to use.  While I was not so much over indulging I was having at least a glass or three almost daily.  By doing this for the past 2 years, I believe it has affected my health, so it is a habit that I must break.  Please take care of yourself.  

[KayC]

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/12/mixing-grief-with-alcohol-will-it-lead.html

[HisPumpkin]

Alcohol, particularly in combination with certain antidepressants, antipsychotics and / or anti anxiety meds can cause a higher amount of suicidal ideation, as well as hindering impulse control. All of those types of medications can also, ironically, heighten suicidal ideation in the first few weeks whilst your system gets used to them. Add alcohol and the ideation (thinking about it) can often lead to acting on it. 

If you can have a friend or family member close by whilst you get settled on a regime, that might help. Most suicidal thoughts are not actuality about wanting to die: they’re about escape from the pain. 

I hope you are doing better today. X

[1050_harley]

I feel like I should be ashamed of myself for speaking on here cause I normally am the kind of man who bottles everything like I can't even cry in front of people even when all I want to do is burst out crying but then I realize I don't need to be ashamed as we (all of us in here) are dealing with grief and loss I just feel like a lot of people usually think I act like my problems are worse than anyone else's and that is far far from the Case. I know drinking isn't healthy as a means to deal with depression and loss and all that and that it is majorly associated with suicide but lately I feel like I'm just in too far over my head like I'm drowning and this time I'm genuinely scarred because I don't know if I will ever bring my head back to the surface.its like I feel like I'm too far gone. I have seen psychs and doctors and even been to rehab and I'm currently on medication which with the drinking and suicide thoughts does not mix very well at all.  I apologize if what I'm saying hardly makes sense. My entire life doesn't make sense when my wife died I died with her I feel like it's only a matter of time now before I just literally give up on myself and let myself just go. 

 

[DWS]

4 hours ago, 1050_harley said:

I feel like I should be ashamed of myself for speaking on here cause I normally am the kind of man who bottles everything like I can't even cry in front of people even when all I want to do is burst out crying but then I realize I don't need to be ashamed as we (all of us in here) are dealing with grief and loss I just feel like a lot of people usually think I act like my problems are worse than anyone else's and that is far far from the Case. I know drinking isn't healthy as a means to deal with depression and loss and all that and that it is majorly associated with suicide but lately I feel like I'm just in too far over my head like I'm drowning and this time I'm genuinely scarred because I don't know if I will ever bring my head back to the surface.its like I feel like I'm too far gone. I have seen psychs and doctors and even been to rehab and I'm currently on medication which with the drinking and suicide thoughts does not mix very well at all.  I apologize if what I'm saying hardly makes sense. My entire life doesn't make sense when my wife died I died with her I feel like it's only a matter of time now before I just literally give up on myself and let myself just go. 

You've had a tremendous, life-altering loss happen to you and your grief is valid. Since you are the type to bottle things up and not cry in front of others, does that also apply to the psychotherapists that you've seen? They are the ones you can trust to let out all of your emotional pain because that is important. I know this is all so very hard. All of us here know that aloneness that you feel without your wife. It's unfair...it sucks...but we work through this pain. And you're not too far gone. You're opening up here and you have a whole lot of us here on your side. 

[HisPumpkin]

4 hours ago, 1050_harley said:

I feel like I should be ashamed of myself for speaking on here cause I normally am the kind of man who bottles everything like I can't even cry in front of people even when all I want to do is burst out crying but then I realize I don't need to be ashamed as we (all of us in here) are dealing with grief and loss I just feel like a lot of people usually think I act like my problems are worse than anyone else's and that is far far from the Case. I know drinking isn't healthy as a means to deal with depression and loss and all that and that it is majorly associated with suicide but lately I feel like I'm just in too far over my head like I'm drowning and this time I'm genuinely scarred because I don't know if I will ever bring my head back to the surface.its like I feel like I'm too far gone. I have seen psychs and doctors and even been to rehab and I'm currently on medication which with the drinking and suicide thoughts does not mix very well at all.  I apologize if what I'm saying hardly makes sense. My entire life doesn't make sense when my wife died I died with her I feel like it's only a matter of time now before I just literally give up on myself and let myself just go. 

 

Never feel ashamed. Ever. I understand suicidal ideation, it’s something I’ve had since I was a kid. So I completely understand where you’re at (whilst we all feel things differently) with regards to how when a huge, as Don says, life altering change like this happens, if you already have demons, they can come back with a vengeance - sometimes even making past struggles with the same sort of battle seem to pale hugely in comparison. It’s overwhelming, anyway, to deal with this type of loss, there aren’t words for the pain of it. Add on top of that if your default coping mechanisms lean towards self harming behaviour and very dark thoughts anyway, you can feel like all is lost. I understand the feeling of drowning, I kept having dreams where I was in the middle of the ocean in a storm, no land in sight, and I just wanted to let go and sink into the water. But I’d feel like that awake too. I still have days and nights like that. So you’re not alone in the darkness, and I just want to gently say that you are stronger than you think you are: you’re still here, and you’re reaching out. Even 5 years ago I probably would have been dead on the night D passed away. That’s progress for me, even though when you get sucked back into the dark, it’s hard to see anything as progress, and it’s easy to look back over years of struggle and feel like a failure, which makes the struggle that much harder. 

You don’t need to compare how you’re doing to anybody else. We can all empathise with each other and understand, but our individual circumstances are valid, our feelings are valid, and at the end of the day all of our individual situations are the worst for us because we are the ones trying to find a way to work through what doesn’t make sense. We have to feel our own pain, find our own way. And it can feel like an impossible road. 

Keep reaching out.

I’m sorry it’s so dark for you right now. D was my light and it went out when he died. Trying to find little pinpricks of light until i can find my way out of the dark again, but it’s hard. This space is a little pinprick of light for many of us, and I’m grateful for it. I will keep you in my thoughts, and I hope you continue to share here. 

[KMkm]

I can't imagine the pain you are going through cause everyone's grief is different.  When my wife passed last December I thought that I didn't need to be here.  I couldn't and still can't deal with the pain very well.  I have young kids that I promised to raise and I also made a promise to myself that I will give it my best shot.  My head hurts like it's being crushed, my anxiety is worse than ever and my ability to function takes a lot of effort.  Please don't feel like you need to hide anything.  Before my wife passed I probably cried twice in my life other than when I was a kid.  I can tell you that crying really helps release stress and tension.  Talking about how you feel to whomever and whenever you can helps as well.  Not one thing will help but a few things do.  I thought about drinking but I know that it will just add to my problems and I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff already.  The one thing I have found that helps is keep yourself busy and try to find anything to pass the time.  Don't stop grieving though cause pushing it down and forgetting about it will make it surface at some point worse than ever.   Just post one here and read what people have to say.  Join a support group if you can.  Stay strong my friend.  We need good people in this world.  

[KayC]

6 hours ago, 1050_harley said:

I feel like I should be ashamed of myself for speaking on here

NO NO NO!  Please!  I want you to feel safe and comfortable expressing yourself here!  We only warn you because we CARE and because we've been through this and no it doesn't help, not because we judge you or think you weak or lesser than, not in the least!  Quite opposite in fact, it takes a grown ass man or woman to admit things openly!  We are your friends here, not your foes.
Coping with Sorrow in Grief
Coping With Hidden Sorrow
Crying is healthy
Dosing Crying Time in Grief

[steveb]

KayC is right Harley,  It takes real courage to reach out, which you have done.  We are all concerned and thinking of you. Please post when you are up to it.