It's been 8 years

[Platz]

I lost my mother and grandmother a day apart. It's kind of crazy how different grief can be. Those two lead very different lives, and the circumstances of their deaths were also opposites.

My grandmother had ALS and we knew when her last day would be. Everyone went to visit her and said their goodbyes. My grandpa accidentally said outloud to her that I had lost my mom the day prior. Everyone turned and looked at me. I didn't want to tell her because it seemed unfair. When I kissed her goodbye, I asked if she could tell my Mom that I love her and that I forgave her. I ran out crying feeling so bad. She lived a long life (86) and had a successful career teaching. She traveled the entire world, was married to one man her whole adult life and was always surrounded by loved ones. She essentially had the perfect, happy life minus the disease. She had hundreds upon hundreds of people visit her open casket funeral.

My mom on the other hand had it bad. She was an alcoholic in my early youth which led to her being in and out of support homes a lot. One day she set our home in fire on accident in a fit of rage and went to jail for some time. I was too young to understand. I didn't understand why, I didn't know what alcohol was or what it did to people. I didn't know she was homeless after getting out but we still had picnics at the park. After the bullying in school about the situation I soon became very isolated even at home. My Dad never talked to me, never told me he loved me or hugged me. I think it was just that he was so depressed too back then. Needless to say I became angry, untrusting and dead inside. I started to resent my Mom and what she did. I still didn't understand. It's too late now, but I know she loved me. The alcohol just made her someone else is all. And the reason she avoided me sometimes was because she was probably ashamed of what she did and couldn't bare to face me. I feel so bad for the distance I put between us within my unknowing. I wish I was an adult when it happened. I would've housed her with me when she got out. We could do all the arts and crafts together, bake all the yummy food together, I could show off my husband, look at the stars together, laugh together, cry together. But it's too late now. Too late to feel my mothers love. Too late to tell her I'm sorry and too late to ask for forgiveness. Her body quickly bacame weak and she died from internal bleeding when she fell once and the doctors could not operate without causing her to bleed out. 8 years have passed, I was 17. We didn't have enough money to even do an obituary and my family won't tell me where she was burried or even where her ashes are. My sister just keeps saying "ask this person or that person" but they just ignore me.

 

I've accepted the fact I will never know her final resting place and I'm finally facing my grief head on instead of hiding from it 😔

It's so overwhelming.

[Daddys girl kw]

i hope u will find peace in ur heart… sorry for your loss and all the circumstances around it ..i don’t know what else to say my dear i know nothing will make any of this easier it’s just a battle within.. that we all have to endure….