Guilt over my beloved best friend's death

[torosan]

My beloved exotic shorthair boy, Toro, just shy of 5 years died very suddenly over 2 weeks ago. Family & friends don’t want me to punish myself anymore and it’s becoming difficult to talk about what happened again but the guilt part of the grief is eating me from the inside out.

Over 6 months ago Toro had his latest vet checkup and all was fine except he had lost 1kg since his previous visit which was 2 years prior. Bloods were raised as an option but not advised. He was always my strong boy and he looked healthy up until the very end. I didn’t have the bloods done as I passed it off as vets trying to get more money. He was eating normal and loved his water fountain. Towards the last few weeks I think he became more vocal for treats which I passed off as just Toro being Toro. He would eat a few treats and then immediately jump down for his normal dry food. I don’t know what symptoms of ravenous means exactly in cats but I would have thought he would have eaten any food in sight but it wasn’t that. He just loved his treats.

He was active but in hindsight looking back when we played with his sister he would jump once or twice for the treat but then lie down and try and catch the toy. Again, I thought he was bored by the play time and not a challenge enough for him. One week before his death I watched him jump from the top of a cat tree to the top of a wardrobe and back effortlessly. He was stealth and impressive.

On the day he died he was acting normal. I had last seen him lying on his window perch in the sun in my bedroom. Approx 2 hours later he was lying on his side at the top of the stairs where he normally went to sleep, eyes open, not breathing. Wet area close to his rear area. We tried to revive him.

Vets were closed and we were advised to bring him in for cremation the next day. After debating whether we should have a post mortem we eventually decided not to do that to his body but the fact of not knowing what happened in those 2 hours is devastating.

He was an indoor cat so the two possible causes which have come up are undetected heart issue and in which case I’m told it would have been sudden and in his sleep. Great way for him to go but not so much for us. Poison was also mentioned but he was an indoor cat and there was nothing new brought into the house.

I have replayed everything over and over in my head - was I not only blind to problems he was having but would the routine blood test have found an issue? Research has said a heart issue would only be found in a specific blood test since cats don’t have a murmur most of the time. We tested his sister with this specific test since and she is completely fine.

Still no answers but the pain of him passing has destroyed me and the guilt is a hurdle I don’t think I can ever get over.

Thanks for reading.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss and for the feelings of guilt you are going through.  

I lost my husband 17 years ago, suddenly, unexpectedly, way too young, and I went through all the what-ifs too, and also with my animals that have passed.  Death is very hard for us to process, it's traumatic to our brains.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[Eternalsoul]

[Mandy25]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Toro. Sometimes things just happen and it is nobody’s fault.  A few years ago,  I had a beautiful cat (I had her since childhood) who showed no signs of illness; blood tests were normal and she had no heart murmur.  She was only 11 years old.  When I went to bed that night, she was her usual playful self and then a few hours later I woke up to her screaming and not being able to move her hind legs. She had thrown a clot (saddle thrombosis)  and even though I rushed her to the emergency vet, she could not be saved.  I know that the pain from losing Toro is a heavy burden to carry, but please don’t add to it by feeling it was your fault.  Sometimes there are just no signs.

[torosan]

Thank you so much everyone for the kind and thoughtful messages. It’ll be three weeks today that I lost him and the pain is still intense.

I hope to get over the guilt soon. Had the bloods been done I possibly could have saved him if something was found. I so wish I wasn’t so flippant and decided he was fine. I am so sorry Toro

[KayC]

I wish I'd had Arlie tested but two weeks before wouldn't  have made much difference to his cancer being inoperable, and they never said he should have bloodwork done.  A year before it may not have been there..  I don't know realistically what I could have done different unless I'd had more knowledge at the time.  These are things we always wonder, but please don't berate yourself, it doesn't help.

He's a beautiful cat.