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Lost my soul mate


Dragonfly999

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HisPumpkin

A friend of mine who is very spiritual told me that connection and love like that doesn’t die with their physical passing, although grieving the loss of their physicality is devastating. He advised to try to find ways to continue the connection, I suppose on a soul level. So I speak to D, I write to him, I consider what I know he would tell me if he were able. 

It’s a tiny comfort but I have to believe that we will reunite when it’s my time, it’s the only thing that really keeps me going. I’ve found myself trying to learn more about spirituality to try to understand the concepts of consciousness surviving physical death. It may or may not help you, everyone has different beliefs and that is a deeply personal thing. But I cling to these things in any way I can because the alternative is not something I can entertain. 

Try to eat a little, I know it’s very hard and I’m rubbish at it even now but I’ve lost 25lbs in a month and came very close to being hospitalised for dehydration and malnutrition / electrolyte imbalance  - it wasn’t conscious I just, I guess, forgot, til I started passing out. 🙄I’m still not eating enough but I at least aim for 5-600 calories a day - which isn’t anywhere near enough but it’s better than I was doing. Hugs to you. 

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HisPumpkin

@Dnazario7720 I’m so sorry for your loss. My big brother had a battle with addiction and I know how hard the fight can be. I hope you can find the strength to keep on fighting, for yourself and for your beautiful wife. We all have our demons and they can exacerbate what’s already such an impossible loss to deal with. Continued strength and healing to you. 

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I'm sorry for your loss.  I know that the pain is so intense that we try to convince ourselves that we can't take it anymore.  I hate feeling like this and I believe like all of us do that suicide isn't the way and we need to be here.  Our loved ones will live on beside us spiritually and so we need to live life so they can enjoy it to.  I want to play with my kids and one day laugh again.  I know it won't be for a long time but I want to feel joy and happiness again.  I owe it to my late wife, to show her the things she might not see if I leave this place.  Take it minute by minute or hour by hour but just know strength is inside us all.  It's like working out, you can't be strong right away it takes effort and maybe this is our journey and when it's our time the strength we learn will help us in some way.  I hope that you post and read, it helps me cope and understand I'm not as alone as I feel.  Stay strong my friends.

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7 hours ago, Dnazario7720 said:

She was struggling without me there

I'm sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. Sometimes not all the love and care in the world is enough to save a person. This is why I try not to blame myself in any way. No matter what I do or don't do, my husband is never coming back. And so I am trying to figure out how to get on without him. It might take me a very long time, possibly the rest of my life figuring that out. Meanwhile, I still have a life to be lived. Guess I will have to carry my grief with me and make adjustments for it. I have no idea how to do that but like I just wrote, it could take me the rest of my life figuring this stuff out. Guess that means I don't have to be in any hurry. Life goes on, things still need to get done and it just isn't my time yet. You'll figure things out in your own way and in your own time. Hope you post to keep us updated. That's one way we all learn from each other and what I learn helps me. 

 

 

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On 5/7/2022 at 3:48 PM, Dragonfly999 said:

I just lost my husband and soulmate and I don’t know how I can live without him

I am very sorry for your loss and the pain it causes. I know the pain. What I don't know is how to move forward without my husband. It might very well take the rest of my life to figure that out. Meanwhile and since it is not my time yet, life goes on. There are chores to be done, doctor appts to keep, meals to be made and the list goes on. There's a lot to be done and a lot to be lived. I think I will have to carry my grief with me while I carry (or try to) on. I hope that at some point you, too will be able to carry your grief and still be able to have a life. 

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18 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

5-600 calories a day

At this your body thinks it's in starvation mode and you'll start losing muscle and eventually organs.  Please ingest SOMETHING if you have to make it high calorie!  Drink a smoothie but try to make it healthy, I used to make spinach/strawberries/granola/banana/yogurt/orange juice concentrate/protein powder ones (can't have now because I eat strict Keto due to my diabetes).  I first got the recipe from my nephew who was body building.  There are many recipes online, I also used to do a kale/celery/cucumber/applesauce one.  If not for you, do it for me!  ;)

18 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

connection and love like that doesn’t die with their physical passing

Absolutely!  I feel that way too.  I feel our love is as strong as the day he died 17 Father's Days ago next month.

 

15 hours ago, Dnazario7720 said:

God please take me I'm done please!

It's very common to feel this way, esp. in the early days but even much longer.  This is the hardest journey of my life and next month it'll be 17 years on Father's Day...at first I didn't see how I'd survive a week, but one day turned into another, now I'm growing old alone.  

I love that you love her feisty spirit/attitude, I can see that!  She is beautiful and I love this picture of you two together!  Your love is clearly evident in it.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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My husband passed away last June. I am trying to figure out how to carry the grief as I move forward. Not easy. For instance, just today I actually woke up feeling somewhat okay. The house has been quiet because nobody was here and I actually slept. But then as the day wore on, I became increasingly sad. Just like that, I went from OK to being sad and feeling miserable. I don't like riding these waves. 

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13 hours ago, AcL7701 said:

I am also an RN, and I keep feeling like I should have been able to help my husband, like I should have known what was wrong. We've been together since we were teenagers- our 21st anniversary is coming up.Im still trying to figure out how to be without my best friend, my soul mate. I'm saddened by your loss, and feel a connection to your story- he just passed 2 weeks ago

I hear this from so many nurses, but it is different when it's your spouse, your parent, you're in familial role, not professional role.  We look at them through a different lens, not medically, but with our hearts.  I am so sorry for your loss, and to have to face your anniversary so soon, that's tough.

I hope you'll keep comping here, reading/posting, it really does help, this is a place where others get it and understand.  Sometimes families/friends do, sometimes they don't.  Me, I was alone in this although my family cared, they hadn't been through it.  My remaining siblings all have their spouses still.  We want to be here for you even if all we do is listen sometimes. We welcome you here.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

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1 hour ago, AcL7701 said:

woke up to remember that he's not coming home.

No, they are having themselves the best time now; it is us who waits to join them. I wish I could be with my husband but I guess it's not my time yet. With that said, I know I need to try to enjoy life again and let the grief come with me. It seems to be a part of me not to be removed. I don't know why I feel that way but if it's to go forward with me then okay....but it is only one part of me. 

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Well guess what, it's not your mind.  I believe in signs.  :wub:

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Dragonfly999

@EdieShavonne thank you for sharing when you have such a similar story. I just want my husband back too, I can’t deal with this reality. Everything I once loved has no purpose, I never realized how much the enjoyment of everything was found in us sharing it together. I literally have the sensation like I have a hole in my chest and half of me is gone, everything hurts. To have a perfect life and then some emergent medical issue out of the blue and they’re just gone. I have my lights flicker too, and all kinds of popping/cracking noises in the room with his ashes, little things that I hope are him.

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Dragonfly999

@April Ballou I’ve never been alone before either. I lived at home while I went to nursing school, then we moved right in to an apartment together. And outside of work hours, we spent every second together. We never even were in separate rooms of the house, always together. Every time I have to do something around the house that usually was something he did, it makes me cry because it’s just a blatant reminder that he’s gone. 

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17 hours ago, April Ballou said:

@Dragonfly999 I understand what you are going through.   September 7,2020 my husband  Darrell died.  We were married 38 years.  The thing that I have to deal with is I'm the one that told them to turn the machines off.  Even though I knew he was gone, the machines were keeping him alive.  They claim it was covid, but I think he had pneumonia. We were like salt and pepper,, together.   It's almost 2 years now and I still miss him so much it hurts.  I have never been alone before.  I went straight from my mother's house to living with Darrell.   This life stinks but I know he would want me to keep going.  

Yes, that's another part of all this that torments me every day, that I had them turn everything off  2 weeks after his cardiac arrest that caused a traumatic brain injury. I know that's what he would have wanted, but it doesn't make it any easier. I don't know what to do without him

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April Ballou

@AcL7701 I think that is what I go through.   Even though Darrell and I had that conversation 100 times or more through the years it doesn't make it easier.  It was the hardest decision I ever made.  I knew he didn't want to be hooked up to machines.  I know he is with God now.  I wished it had been me not him.

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@EdieShavonne  I am so sorry, he is the same age as my daughter, she turns 40 in a month..  It's hard to comprehend such young loss of life, I am so sorry for the loss of your soulmate and best friend, your kids' dad.  I remember the same shock, everything seems surreal...that was 17 years ago for me come Father's Day.  I didn't see how I could survive a week, how the sun could go on shining without him in it!  And here I am, still taking one day at a time only now I'm growing old alone.  I still love him, still miss him, if anything I feel our love is even deeper as I've had to live on faith in our love in all the days and years since....until we can be together again.  The feeling I had when he held me...I haven't felt that since.  But I know he still loves me.  Our love story was like yours, people would stare at us, our love was such it was palpable and evident to all who saw us together!

I'm glad you found your way here, where others "get itt" and understand.  This is like a family of sorts, we care for each other...we share our innermost thoughts and feelings as we walk this journey together, be it a week, a year, or many years, we share in our experience.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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11 minutes ago, Dragonfly999 said:

And note to supposed “friends,” the cruelest thing you can do is make plans to come over and keep me company especially on a holiday weekend, and then at the last minute say “sorry, it’s just not a good time for us, something came up.”

I am so sorry that happened to you. It's remarkable how totally unknowing our friends are of the immense pain and turmoil we're going through. If we were lying in a hospital bed all bandaged up, most wouldn't bail on us...but it proves to be disappointing when most don't see the injuries and devastation happening within us. 

18 minutes ago, Dragonfly999 said:

The most supportive people around have been the servers at our favorite restaurants who have actually sat with me while I cried over my food.

That is sweet. Meeting you in your grief and making sure you're nourished. 

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Dragonfly999

@April Ballou I planned his memorial too. We’re having it back in MI since his family and most old friends are there, on his birthday, June 14th so I’ll fly back for about a week. Frankly doing these last tasks to honor him properly are what have been keeping me going so I’m kind of terrified of what happens after it’s done. It looks like just this unending stretch of time with no purpose or joy. I suppose I’ll go back to work but I’m dreading going back into a hospital and my job is really stressful on a good day, let alone after what happened to him and while in the brain fog of grief. He used to send me texts all throughout my work day to brighten my day, sometimes just a random “I love you!” or playful joke. To think of sitting in my office and just have it be work…

Everything is just so empty now 

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21 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

I’ve had to be strong my whole life and I don’t want to have to f*cking be strong anymore, I’m over it!

I get it!  I still feel that way at times, it just feels like too much...but then I keep on keeping on and people think me strong.  All I know is I have no option.  I can't lay down and and wallow like I want because there IS no one to take care of me or even care or notice.  I keep going for my puppy.  

You are so right, the shock protects us a bit from everything slamming us more than we could bear although we sure felt the slam when they died!  But then when shock wears off and reality sets in...wow.  I'm sorry you're there, but we all sure get it.:wub:

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18 hours ago, April Ballou said:

But I'm all alone.

I hear this!  People whine about being stuck with their husband/kids during Covid, they ought to try the alternative.  I lost my way of life and friends it'd taken so long to build, now I'm just alone, always alone.  Oh I have to "do things" for people, but that's not the same as having someone who CARES about you or is ever there for YOU!  I used to visit my neighbors on Sun. eve., now they have a vicious German Shepherd they rescued and it bit me, so I don't even go there anymore.  Sorry for whining, I just relate to all of you!  17 years and I've gotten used to this but that doesn't mean it was ever my preference.  I keep trying, keep focusing on what I do have, but there's no substitute for aloneness.

13 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

on his birthday, June 14th

That's MY husband's birthday!  He died five days later on Father's Day.  Wow.  I will be thinking of you on that day...

13 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I do go to church

Yes but I've discovered you can even feel lost in a crowd.  They're all busy with their families, their life is so different than mine...I'm struggling just to survive it seems.  Wow, George would never have imagined this...

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