Members Popular Post Dragonfly999 Posted May 7, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 7, 2022 I just lost my husband and soulmate and I don’t know how I can live without him. He was my entire world, my adventure partner, my best friend. We literally did everything together and aside from work hoursr we didn’t spend a second apart. Our love was so deep and intense and special, it still felt like we were newlyweds. People around us commented so much how they could just see our love exuding so brightly. He was my one and only, my first boyfriend, my first everything. We’d been together 15 years and would have been married for 9 years in June. We didn’t have many friends because we just wanted to spend all our time together, we were like the same person with all the same interests. Doing something analytical like writing this is one of the only things I can do to numb the pain. I’m only 35 years old and the thought of having to exist without him is crushing my soul. He was older than me so I had always thought it was possible I would lose him first and it was my biggest fear, but I didn’t think it would be now. I thought we had another 20 or 30 years together. He was so vibrant and passionate and loving life. He was such a good man, it’s just not fair. We were on a family trip to Paris that had gotten delayed since 2020 due to COVID. We don’t have any children but he has a grown daughter from his first marriage and it had always been her dream to go to Paris. He couldn’t help her to go when he was younger due to finances but now being in a good place, he wanted to make her dream come true. We were so excited to finally go and had the most amazing week, and on our last day there he suddenly had severe abdominal pain out of no where, we got an ambulance and I felt so helpless not being able to help him while he cried out in pain. I can still hear him in pain and he was usually very stoic about pain so I know it was bad. They couldn’t find anything wrong for awhile and were leaning towards an atypical presentation of a kidney stone but then eventually on a CT with contrast they said he had an aortic dissection. He’d had a cardiac history but it was 16 years ago and he’d been fine ever since, and was so strong and healthy. And this horrible thing just happened. They transferred him to a specialty hospital that is actually the #1 hospital in the world for things like this, it’s a complicated surgery but they felt like it was as stable as it could be. I thought to myself okay, this is why the trip didn’t happen before and why we’re here now, because now with this we’re in the best place in the world and they’ll be able to save him. Before they transferred him we told each other how much we loved each other and I kissed him, and I saw him one more time before going into surgery where we did again. He looked at me so sorrowfully and said he was so sorry, I thought he was apologizing for this happening on the trip and I told him not to apologize, and he needed to be strong and we would get through this together and I would take care of him. Now I think he knew he wasn’t going to make it and was sorry he was leaving me. But there were too many complications after requiring more surgery and a couple days later he died of multi organ failure. I was holding his hand as I watched him flatline and there was not a damn thing I could do to save him. I feel like it’s my fault, it was my job to take care of him. I’m a RN, I should have picked up on something to have made him get checked out or been able to prevent it. I cooked us healthy dinners every night of the week from scratch, exercised together, lifted weights together, took healthy supplements, never smoked or used drugs. And we had our love! But I failed him. It wasn’t enough and I hope he can forgive me. I am still so madly in love with him. All of this happening in a foreign city and I don’t speak French. I stayed an extra week and a half because I had to get him cremated and I wasn’t going home without him. I had to go get a back pack so I could take his ashes with me on the plane. His daughter stayed with me and no one will ever understand the hell we went through together and are still going through. I stayed with her a few days and now am back home in CA by myself. And while lots of people are offering support and condolences, at the same time there’s this mentality that because I’m home now everything must be alright and falling back into place, and I must be healing, and I want to scream at them that nothing will ever be alright again. All I can do is go from being completely numb to sobbing uncontrollably and back again. Life has no more meaning or purpose, it all died with him. I don’t even feel like a woman anymore, he made me that. I’m his forever and always and I just want to die to be with him. I don’t know what happens after death but I can’t think that it’s nothing. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is a fear that it would prevent me from being with him again, whether it’s in some kind of afterlife or in another rebirth. I don’t know why I’m writing this or what I’m looking for. I just don’t even know how to do this. I want him back, I want to hold him and feel his hands on my skin and kiss him and see him smile. I love him and it’s killing me. This happened on April 21st and I haven’t spent a day sober since. 4 5 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post widower2 Posted May 7, 2022 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted May 7, 2022 I am so sorry. And such a young age, unimaginable. I know from experience there are no words good enough. Vent here all you like...every loss is unique of course, but in a general way, we here "get it" like no one who hasn't been through it can. I know this is a tired cliche but it's so true with this: day at a time. Try not to worry about tomorrow or the next day or a week from Tuesday (etc). Just survive the day, each day, that's enough. And please try not to beat yourself up (says the guy who's done his share)...that's unfair, RN or no. You aren't God; you couldn't know what was about to happen and you DID NOT fail him. My beloved ate very healthy, was in good shape by any measure of the word, didn't smoke and only drank lightly. Healthy people are lost and people who don't take care of themselves live on. Don't try to make sense of it, there's none to be had. I don't know if this will help but I created a simple little web site with some thoughts and suggestions of things I wish someone had told me when I was going through this initially...FWIW: https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp/grieving The main thing I would stress above all is don't worry about what you're "supposed" to do. There's no such thing. Do whatever works best. Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise. Kay will probably be along soon and has a great list of things to try and keep in mind as well. But again, unload however you want or need to here. It's a great group of people. 10 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Laura Vence Posted May 7, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 7, 2022 I am so deeply sorry that you've lost him. And how difficult to additionally be in Paris, in a different culture and with language limits. My heart opens so wide, reading your story. I lost my French husband six months ago, and I am often still beside myself with pain. And my only son died 11 years ago, no other family supports me. Most "friends" have gone away. (I begin to see they are not really friends at all.) I am so devastated. So I feel your devastation and your love for your husband-partner deeply. Please keep coming back here, expressing how you feel. Someone on this site recommended a book I found helpful, by Megan Devine, Its OK to Feel as Bad as You Feel. And it really IS OK. Just hang in there, send us messages. You are in California and there is a Widow's Conference in San Diego in July I might attend (although I am on East Coast). Please try to take very good care of yourself. This is the worst of times. Sending love--. 5 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted May 8, 2022 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted May 8, 2022 I am so sorry for your loss, and to be away when this happens! I remember another griever who lost her father, she was a nurse and felt she let him down...the grief counselor/administrator told her we view family members personally first, and sometimes are unable to shut that off and be "nurse." Things that would jump out at us in a work setting don't occur as we see them through a different filter. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! And you could be the finest doctor in the world and sometimes they can't save people! France is known for quality medical care, so I doubt it's just where he was, but sometimes there IS nothing we can do. It is common for all of us to berate ourselves with the what ifs because the outcome is too unpalatable to fathom, we look for different possible outcomes. But there is none, only what happened. What I've learned on my grief journey is now that my protector and best friend is gone, it is up to me to be my OWN best friend! Being kind, patient, understanding of myself, giving myself self-care. It took me a long time to learn this, esp. since in those early days we aren't up to eating healthy, or pretty much anything! We do well to get up and get dressed. And I had to go back to work day 5 and do payroll, after two weeks I was back to full time, I had no choice. Then I lost my job and it just got worse. But I've weathered the storms over the years and somehow survived it all, now it's 17 years next month...Father's Day. I still love and miss him, think of him, talk to him. It's Okay that You're Not Okay (Megan Devine) is a good book...here's a list if you're interested at some point: Books My heart goes out to you as I read your anguish and pain. Alcohol is a depressant, not what you need....no judgment, we'd all drink if we thought it would help, but depressants don't help when you're already depressed. Get out, take a walk, THAT will help. I wholeheartedly believe they still exist, just their body gave out, and we will be with them again. I'm glad I have that hope, it's what I hang onto. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. More essential to me than air! Right now I will hold faith for you! Sometimes we need that. I remember a story in the Bible of Moses's arms getting tired when in battle so Aaron and someone else held up his arms for him, one on either side. Sometimes we need people to come alongside us and do just that. I can't think of any time more so than early grief. That's what this grief forum is about...we care about each other, understand each other, are here for each other. Sometimes all we can do is listen and care, but we're here for one another. You're part of that family now if you want. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Dragonfly999 Posted May 8, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 8, 2022 Before we were together, both of us had really challenging lives. I grew up with an emotionally and mentally abusive mother and a father who never intervened, often isolated and lonely, never had the confidence to even date. He had to fend for himself since he was 16 and then had a very dysfunctional and unhappy first marriage but stayed to raise his daughters. When we came together, everyone said we saved each other. They all knew we were soulmates. From that moment life turned from “just getting by” to this magical, bright, loving, passionate adventure. We were so full of love and hope, and we truly lived. We moved away to start over together, we helped each other heal from our past, we explored the world and traveled all over, learning and growing and building this perfect life. It was all about experiencing life together. And now, it’s just gone, back to the bleak nothingness of just trying to survive another day. I went out yesterday just to get out of the house, to our grocery store and tried to have dinner at a restaurant we ate at often because I haven’t eaten much in days. All of the normal people we see barely recognized me because they always see us together smiling and happy, we were a package. Every single thing I see reminds me of him. We always held hands when we walked and even walking through the parking lot alone was excruciating. It’s all so empty. And why do anything? Cooking for one person seems pointless, and why bother eating healthy when I don’t want a long life. Why bother to dress nice or do my hair or put makeup on, because I did all those things for HIM so he could enjoy it. What’s the point of learning anything new when there’s no one to share it with. I never fully understood how so much of my life was delighting in sharing everything together. We’d read together on the couch, and we’d always have to be touching- and if we were reading separate books we’d always be sharing passages with each other or we’d read the same book together and discuss it. Without him to share things with, I have no interest. I doubt I’ll ever care to travel again. He knew I always wanted to travel and told me he wanted to be the one to make that come true and see the world with me, and we did it together. It’s like we did too much too fast. Everyone keeps telling me that we lived and experienced and loved more in our time together than most people do in an entire lifetime, like that somehow makes it better or more reasonable that he’s gone. He was such a loving, kind, incredible man. He had so much to offer the world and so many people loved him. He shouldn’t have died, it should have been me instead. 2 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Canadagirl81 Posted May 9, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 9, 2022 I am so so very sorry. I understand completely your feelings and I wish I had some sort of comfort to offer you. You have come to a super helpful and comforting community with amazing people who get it. It's been 3 months since I lost my person and nothing makes sense at all. The ache I feel is palpable every single day and I have no idea how I'm even getting through the days but somehow, I am. Be patient and kind with yourself please....he is always with you, I know it's not the same at all but he is. Sending hugs and love, Laura 5 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post KMkm Posted May 9, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 9, 2022 The life you lived together was very inspiring to me. You two found each other and shared such joy. I am very sorry for your loss and what you are going through. It is heartbreaking and painful to go through this but you are very strong. I lost my wife last December and she was 36. I never wanted to live after that but I have two young children that I have to raise. Every day hurts like I never thought possible and I need to fight for every second. The feeling of loss can't be avoided and please try not to drink to much cause it may cause more damage. I can write words of comfort to try change your attitude towards life itself but first I will tell you what I felt like at first. The day my wife passed was the hardest thing I had to endure and since then it feels like my brain gave up and stopped working. I wanted to kill myself every day and tried to convince myself it was the only way to stop the pain. I cried all the time and hated being alive. My kids suffered a terrible loss and I couldn't bring myself to leave them. I now feel a tiny fraction better but I still fight the urge. You can do this, you can live and through you he will will be right there but in spirit. I know the pain just like many others on here but please believe in yourself. Read and post on here as much as you want. Ask for help and be honest about your feelings cause hiding them all the time doesn't help. I hope that something I wrote gives you strength and I know others have more insightful words. There is one quote I would like to share with you that gives me strength and I hope it helps you. The journey you are on isn't easy but giving up isn't the answer no matter how hard you need to fight. If I offended you by anything I wrote please know it was not my intention. I'm not the best at consoling others but I want to try and help, because others have helped me. Stay strong my friend. 4 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted May 9, 2022 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted May 9, 2022 22 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said: I grew up with an emotionally and mentally abusive mother and a father who never intervened Sounds like my parentage! Add physical abuse to my mom and alcoholic to my dad. Horrid parents. 22 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said: Every single thing I see reminds me of him I commend you for stepping out of your comfort zone and trying it! Eventually you'll be able to easier, it seems to take time and practice. It was very hard for me too in that earlier time. Now I do everything alone...not my preference but it is what it is. 22 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said: Everyone keeps telling me that we lived and experienced and loved more in our time together than most people do in an entire lifetime Us too. I was married 23 years to my kids' dad, cold, uncaring, never treated me right...along comes George and what we experienced in our way too short time together was more than I ever had in my lifetime! He was the only one who ever loved me and I felt the same for him, it was complete and reciprocal. 17 years later I still love and miss him! 22 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said: it should have been me instead. Please don't sell yourself short, I'm sure he never felt that way. Regardless of who goes first, it's hard for the one left. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Roxeanne Posted May 9, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 9, 2022 1 hour ago, KayC said: Now I do everything alone...not my preference but it is what it is. Thanks Kay to remind me! Sometimes i complain about being alone, it's the hardest thing for me...i was so safe and happy with him! But what can we do ? It is what it is! 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post HisPumpkin Posted May 9, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 9, 2022 Oh sweetheart, I identify with so much of what you’ve said. I didn’t get much time with D, but the truth is that when you find your person, there is never enough time, we’d always want more. Im 38, no kids, D was older and we were just planning the next 20-30 years together and like you I feel so lost, what’s the point, it should have been me, all these same things you’ve mentioned. It will probably take quite a lot of time to get out of that mindset, sadly. As everyone has said, be as kind to yourself as you can be. Cry, scream, do whatever you need to do to get it out. I’m 5 and a half weeks in and I’m still lost, still have my meltdowns, he’s still always in my mind, but there are more moments of numb now than the constant visceral pain of the first 3-4 weeks that just wouldn’t stop. It stopped being a tsunami, but it still comes in huge waves. Don’t let anyone tell you there is a timeline. You do this on your own timeline and you’re going through one of the hardest things a person ever has to deal with. People here do understand, we can’t take the pain away, but we can sit with you in it. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Loss1994 Posted May 9, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 9, 2022 My partner only died 3 weeks ago, he was murdered and the fear of being alone is just adding another dimension to this grief and pain. I am only 27 and I spent the last 6 years of my life doing everything with him. I don’t remember how to be alone. I felt like I was independent but the more I look back our lives were so intertwined in so many ways that I can’t even contemplate doing anything alone right now. I hope it gets easier and I hope I learn to be able to be alone but right now I have surrounded myself with so many people. But none of them are able to understand what I feel so in some ways it’s also painful being around them. 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Dragonfly999 Posted May 9, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 9, 2022 The hardest thing is being forever with out his touch and affection. We were a super physical couple, in such that we always held hands whether walking or sitting across a dinner table, we sat practically on top of each other on the couch, I’d stretch out across his lap on my stomach watching a movie together and he’d rub my back. We’d kiss all the time and snuggled in bed and if one of us woke up in the night having moved too far away, we’d have to get right close to the other again. He would drive and rest a hand on my knee. His touch was soothing, loving, made everything right in the world. And I’ll never feel it again. I’ve already decided that I’m still his wife forever and I’ll honor that until I die and can hopefully in some way see him again. I have no interest in ever being with another man. He was my true one and only. 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HisPumpkin Posted May 9, 2022 Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2022 A friend of mine who is very spiritual told me that connection and love like that doesn’t die with their physical passing, although grieving the loss of their physicality is devastating. He advised to try to find ways to continue the connection, I suppose on a soul level. So I speak to D, I write to him, I consider what I know he would tell me if he were able. It’s a tiny comfort but I have to believe that we will reunite when it’s my time, it’s the only thing that really keeps me going. I’ve found myself trying to learn more about spirituality to try to understand the concepts of consciousness surviving physical death. It may or may not help you, everyone has different beliefs and that is a deeply personal thing. But I cling to these things in any way I can because the alternative is not something I can entertain. Try to eat a little, I know it’s very hard and I’m rubbish at it even now but I’ve lost 25lbs in a month and came very close to being hospitalised for dehydration and malnutrition / electrolyte imbalance - it wasn’t conscious I just, I guess, forgot, til I started passing out. 🙄I’m still not eating enough but I at least aim for 5-600 calories a day - which isn’t anywhere near enough but it’s better than I was doing. Hugs to you. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Dragonfly999 Posted May 9, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 9, 2022 44 minutes ago, HisPumpkin said: A friend of mine who is very spiritual told me that connection and love like that doesn’t die with their physical passing, although grieving the loss of their physicality is devastating. He advised to try to find ways to continue the connection, I suppose on a soul level That helps and is what I’m trying to do. All I care about right now is keeping our connection. I’ve told him a couple times in dreams to please wait for me and he keeps saying he will. When we wrote our wedding vows, it wasn’t “until death do us part.” It was “for eternity” and we always wrote that in our cards to each other. I just came back from the doctor because I need to take time off work and I’ve lost 10 lbs so far. I take a few bites and it hits like a rock in my stomach. I don’t even feel hunger pangs or even much for being thirsty. It’s a real struggle and my husband used to get so upset with me if I was so busy at work that I skipped lunch, he made it his mission to pack me a wholesome lunch in the morning to try and take care of me. You don’t realize how dedicated someone was to taking care of you until they are gone. 2 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post HisPumpkin Posted May 9, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 9, 2022 Amongst my readings, which often follow similar veins to the Michael Newton school of thought, that we are all part of small “soul groups”, and we grow with each other, teach each other and often choose to reincarnate with each other over several lifetimes, sometimes in different roles, I read that in the spiritual realm time passes differently. So the concept of our soulmates waiting for us, is not so long in the grand scheme of things, for them. I have a mishmash of beliefs. But it helps me to read documented accounts of people undergoing hypnotherapy who are unrelated but all tell similar things. My logical mind battles with my emotions and so to see documented proof helps me to accept the signs as valid, not just my mind tricking me. One of D’s favourite movies that he introduced me to is called What Dreams May Come. It’s a tearjerker, but D and I talked about our belief that we could be reunited in our own version of heaven, and what that might look like. It seems oddly fortuitous that he shared that with me just a few months before he passed, very suddenly and with no warning. It’s almost like the universe was trying to prepare me for it, which sounds a little wacky, but we look for signs everywhere. I think they’re there, if we are open to them. I think your love is very much still with you, and always will be. It’s just a pain beyond measure to try to adapt to the silence and loss of physical touch. To be honest I’d happily sleep my life away if it meant I could stay in dreams with D until I can be with him in whatever comes after, and mostly right now I do stay huddled under the duvet. Then I hear him in my head telling me to get my ass into gear, eat something, go do something that might make me smile. So I try, but I know it’s so so hard when you feel like your heart went with them. Its “normal” to lose your appetite, insofar as this horrible new “normal” none of us wanted ever gets. A lot of the time what helps me is thinking about what he would say to me. He’d spoon feed me if it would get me to eat. One of the things I do is I ask him questions. A lot of my reading says if you get an answer in your mind even before you’ve finished articulating the question, you know you’re connected and you shouldn’t second guess it. Some people would think that this is just because you know what he would say, but I’ve tried to start learning a little how to meditate, visualise and talk to him. It’s very hard in the early days of fresh grief to calm your mind and control your emotions. But it gets a little easier with practice and also gives you something to focus on (if it’s something you have interest in exploring). It helps me feel connected. I never really thought too much about spirituality before, or at least not beyond intellectual debates, but I’m pulled to it now. Some people turn to their faith, which I think serves the same kind of purpose, to give us comfort and hope and to retain that sense of connection to those we grieve, to find some meaning in what seems so completely unjust. I don’t think there’s any right or wrong way, but finding what resonates with you can help a little. It doesn’t take the pain of loss away, but any little thing that gives you some small measure of comfort can only be a good thing. I hope you can find your way to these small comforts in whatever ways resonate with you. It’s a horrible road we all walk but the people here do understand and will try to support you as best we can with the distance between us. Sending you hugs hugs. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Dnazario7720 Posted May 9, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 9, 2022 I completely understand , I lost my wife almost 5 months ago and I was unfortunately in jail when it happened because of my addiction. She was struggling without me there. By the way my wifes name was Jinny and she was absolutely stunning. Dark brown hair , curves for days these beautiful warm brown doughy eyes to me. But if you didn't know her she had this somewhat don't **** with me or mine attitude. I met her at an Na meeting and from the moment she walked in I felt her energy. We are both very very sensitive to that and from the moment she shared my friend said oh damn she's crazy. I said she is and I fuckin like it. I invited myself over to cook her dinner and I literally never left. We could feel deep inside we had been together in lives before if you believe in that. She literally was my everything and our marriage was absolutely amazing even when we went through our struggles with drugs. I still always held her hand , she always had to be touching me in some way as I to her. We didn't have a TV in our bedroom because that creates a better connection. She was doing so good I kept telling her I was coming home soon and it was only a month away and me Daddy would be home soon my JIBABY. The morning she missed my first phone call I felt it. I knew something bad happened. Noone would listen to me for days 5 days actually telling everyone to go check on her. She never didn't answer for me. I was so helpless in jail and I blame myself so bad for not fuckin being to there to revive her and in her worst depression l ok like she was for me. I could have and would have revived her like Many times before. I lost half of my soul that day and my heart is now broken forever. When I got out I thought I was ok but I wasn't eating and I said if I picked up another drug it wouldn't be to start up again it would be to take me out and two weeks after getting out I did enough drugs iv to take out 20 men easily and I didn't even have to be narcaned or taken to the hospital. I believe she stopped it because if I committed suicide we would not end up in the same place since she didn't so she didn't let it happen, there is no other explanation. No one wants to hear me talk about it or be sad so ike I'm getting my fuckin sadness on them or inconveniencing there day. I try groups therapy medication for depression but it was ok for about a month and now I feel it creeping back up and way faster and way worse. I pray every night and morning for God to take my life I don't care if I hurt suffer whatever everyone else is fake and reach out to ease themselves and that's what society says to do noones fuckin real. She was real we were real and raw saying anything to each other having the uncomfortable talks just to have a better relationship and our communication was better then I ever seen. Sorry for rambling thanks for listening. Hope you all figure out what works for you. God please take me I'm done please! I want my JIBABY back! 1 minute ago, Dnazario7720 said: I completely understand , I lost my wife almost 5 months ago and I was unfortunately in jail when it happened because of my addiction. She was struggling without me there. By the way my wifes name was Jinny and she was absolutely stunning. Dark brown hair , curves for days these beautiful warm brown doughy eyes to me. But if you didn't know her she had this somewhat don't **** with me or mine attitude. I met her at an Na meeting and from the moment she walked in I felt her energy. We are both very very sensitive to that and from the moment she shared my friend said oh damn she's crazy. I said she is and I fuckin like it. I invited myself over to cook her dinner and I literally never left. We could feel deep inside we had been together in lives before if you believe in that. She literally was my everything and our marriage was absolutely amazing even when we went through our struggles with drugs. I still always held her hand , she always had to be touching me in some way as I to her. We didn't have a TV in our bedroom because that creates a better connection. She was doing so good I kept telling her I was coming home soon and it was only a month away and me Daddy would be home soon my JIBABY. The morning she missed my first phone call I felt it. I knew something bad happened. Noone would listen to me for days 5 days actually telling everyone to go check on her. She never didn't answer for me. I was so helpless in jail and I blame myself so bad for not fuckin being to there to revive her and in her worst depression l ok like she was for me. I could have and would have revived her like Many times before. I lost half of my soul that day and my heart is now broken forever. When I got out I thought I was ok but I wasn't eating and I said if I picked up another drug it wouldn't be to start up again it would be to take me out and two weeks after getting out I did enough drugs iv to take out 20 men easily and I didn't even have to be narcaned or taken to the hospital. I believe she stopped it because if I committed suicide we would not end up in the same place since she didn't so she didn't let it happen, there is no other explanation. No one wants to hear me talk about it or be sad so ike I'm getting my fuckin sadness on them or inconveniencing there day. I try groups therapy medication for depression but it was ok for about a month and now I feel it creeping back up and way faster and way worse. I pray every night and morning for God to take my life I don't care if I hurt suffer whatever everyone else is fake and reach out to ease themselves and that's what society says to do noones fuckin real. She was real we were real and raw saying anything to each other having the uncomfortable talks just to have a better relationship and our communication was better then I ever seen. Sorry for rambling thanks for listening. Hope you all figure out what works for you. God please take me I'm done please! I want my JIBABY back! my JIBABY is such a beautiful angel! 2 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HisPumpkin Posted May 9, 2022 Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2022 @Dnazario7720 I’m so sorry for your loss. My big brother had a battle with addiction and I know how hard the fight can be. I hope you can find the strength to keep on fighting, for yourself and for your beautiful wife. We all have our demons and they can exacerbate what’s already such an impossible loss to deal with. Continued strength and healing to you. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMkm Posted May 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2022 I'm sorry for your loss. I know that the pain is so intense that we try to convince ourselves that we can't take it anymore. I hate feeling like this and I believe like all of us do that suicide isn't the way and we need to be here. Our loved ones will live on beside us spiritually and so we need to live life so they can enjoy it to. I want to play with my kids and one day laugh again. I know it won't be for a long time but I want to feel joy and happiness again. I owe it to my late wife, to show her the things she might not see if I leave this place. Take it minute by minute or hour by hour but just know strength is inside us all. It's like working out, you can't be strong right away it takes effort and maybe this is our journey and when it's our time the strength we learn will help us in some way. I hope that you post and read, it helps me cope and understand I'm not as alone as I feel. Stay strong my friends. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted May 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2022 7 hours ago, Dnazario7720 said: She was struggling without me there I'm sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. Sometimes not all the love and care in the world is enough to save a person. This is why I try not to blame myself in any way. No matter what I do or don't do, my husband is never coming back. And so I am trying to figure out how to get on without him. It might take me a very long time, possibly the rest of my life figuring that out. Meanwhile, I still have a life to be lived. Guess I will have to carry my grief with me and make adjustments for it. I have no idea how to do that but like I just wrote, it could take me the rest of my life figuring this stuff out. Guess that means I don't have to be in any hurry. Life goes on, things still need to get done and it just isn't my time yet. You'll figure things out in your own way and in your own time. Hope you post to keep us updated. That's one way we all learn from each other and what I learn helps me. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted May 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2022 On 5/7/2022 at 3:48 PM, Dragonfly999 said: I just lost my husband and soulmate and I don’t know how I can live without him I am very sorry for your loss and the pain it causes. I know the pain. What I don't know is how to move forward without my husband. It might very well take the rest of my life to figure that out. Meanwhile and since it is not my time yet, life goes on. There are chores to be done, doctor appts to keep, meals to be made and the list goes on. There's a lot to be done and a lot to be lived. I think I will have to carry my grief with me while I carry (or try to) on. I hope that at some point you, too will be able to carry your grief and still be able to have a life. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 10, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted May 10, 2022 18 hours ago, HisPumpkin said: 5-600 calories a day At this your body thinks it's in starvation mode and you'll start losing muscle and eventually organs. Please ingest SOMETHING if you have to make it high calorie! Drink a smoothie but try to make it healthy, I used to make spinach/strawberries/granola/banana/yogurt/orange juice concentrate/protein powder ones (can't have now because I eat strict Keto due to my diabetes). I first got the recipe from my nephew who was body building. There are many recipes online, I also used to do a kale/celery/cucumber/applesauce one. If not for you, do it for me! 18 hours ago, HisPumpkin said: connection and love like that doesn’t die with their physical passing Absolutely! I feel that way too. I feel our love is as strong as the day he died 17 Father's Days ago next month. 15 hours ago, Dnazario7720 said: God please take me I'm done please! It's very common to feel this way, esp. in the early days but even much longer. This is the hardest journey of my life and next month it'll be 17 years on Father's Day...at first I didn't see how I'd survive a week, but one day turned into another, now I'm growing old alone. I love that you love her feisty spirit/attitude, I can see that! She is beautiful and I love this picture of you two together! Your love is clearly evident in it. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post AcL7701 Posted May 11, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 11, 2022 I am also an RN, and I keep feeling like I should have been able to help my husband, like I should have known what was wrong. We've been together since we were teenagers- our 21st anniversary is coming up.Im still trying to figure out how to be without my best friend, my soul mate. I'm saddened by your loss, and feel a connection to your story- he just passed 2 weeks ago 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted May 11, 2022 Members Report Share Posted May 11, 2022 My husband passed away last June. I am trying to figure out how to carry the grief as I move forward. Not easy. For instance, just today I actually woke up feeling somewhat okay. The house has been quiet because nobody was here and I actually slept. But then as the day wore on, I became increasingly sad. Just like that, I went from OK to being sad and feeling miserable. I don't like riding these waves. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 11, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted May 11, 2022 13 hours ago, AcL7701 said: I am also an RN, and I keep feeling like I should have been able to help my husband, like I should have known what was wrong. We've been together since we were teenagers- our 21st anniversary is coming up.Im still trying to figure out how to be without my best friend, my soul mate. I'm saddened by your loss, and feel a connection to your story- he just passed 2 weeks ago I hear this from so many nurses, but it is different when it's your spouse, your parent, you're in familial role, not professional role. We look at them through a different lens, not medically, but with our hearts. I am so sorry for your loss, and to have to face your anniversary so soon, that's tough. I hope you'll keep comping here, reading/posting, it really does help, this is a place where others get it and understand. Sometimes families/friends do, sometimes they don't. Me, I was alone in this although my family cared, they hadn't been through it. My remaining siblings all have their spouses still. We want to be here for you even if all we do is listen sometimes. We welcome you here. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post AcL7701 Posted May 11, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 11, 2022 This is the first time I have felt truly heard since he passed. Thank you for the support, and it really helps hearing from people who have been through this. I had a dream last night where he came back- like he had just been gone on a long trip, and he was finally home. I haven't been able to stop crying since I woke up to remember that he's not coming home. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted May 11, 2022 Members Report Share Posted May 11, 2022 1 hour ago, AcL7701 said: woke up to remember that he's not coming home. No, they are having themselves the best time now; it is us who waits to join them. I wish I could be with my husband but I guess it's not my time yet. With that said, I know I need to try to enjoy life again and let the grief come with me. It seems to be a part of me not to be removed. I don't know why I feel that way but if it's to go forward with me then okay....but it is only one part of me. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted May 12, 2022 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted May 12, 2022 19 hours ago, AcL7701 said: I had a dream last night where he came back- like he had just been gone on a long trip, and he was finally home. These dreams are wonderful...until we wake up and realize this is our reality. Maybe that's why I don't get the dreams anymore (the other could be my sleeping pill!). I hope you'll stay with us...we do hear you and we do get it. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Dragonfly999 Posted May 14, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 14, 2022 Last week a friend came over and relayed a story that after her brother passed away last year, they kept having the smoke detector by his room go off. The next day I was upstairs and feeling pretty bad, and the smoke detector by the kitchen downstairs went off. I ran downstairs to check but I haven’t cooked or done anything and there was no smoke. It’s never gone off on it’s own without reason, but it was the only one in the house my husband ever fussed with because the slightest thing in the kitchen would set it off, and it was so temperamental he had to fight with it to turn it off. It turned right off in my hands easy. Last night I came home from going out to eat/drink because I had to get out of the house and try to eat something more. I was using a purse I use all the time that has two pockets sewn inside that perfectly fit our cell phones and so I’ve used it consistently when we go out and put both our phones there. A couple years ago, we bought a set of four mother of pearl caviar spoons and somehow we lost one, we looked all over and in my purses and kitchen drawers but never found it. When I reached in my purse when I got home I pulled out the missing caviar spoon, just sitting right there in the cell phone pocket. Before we left for our trip to Paris, we’d pre-ordered an acoustic concert from Japan from one of our favorite Japanese bands called One OK Rock. It was in the mail when I got home and I had no desire to watch it, but a couple of days later I felt really compelled to and figured I might as well while my friend was still staying with me. The lead singer was wearing a white shirt with a bunch of things written on it in different languages in marker, it looked like he’d given it to fans to write on. On the bottom rim of the shirt in thick black marker was written, “There Will Always Be Paris.” Even my friend picked it out. I cried. I pray things like this are signs from him and I’m not losing my mind. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 14, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted May 14, 2022 Well guess what, it's not your mind. I believe in signs. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jemiga70 Posted May 15, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 15, 2022 On 5/13/2022 at 11:12 PM, Dragonfly999 said: I pray things like this are signs from him and I’m not losing my mind. @Dragonfly999 Thank you so much for sharing these. Please accept my condolences. It's the worst thing in the world, and those of us here get it though our circumstances may differ. I too was at my soulmate's side when she crossed. It's the most horrific thing. It's been just over a year. As shocked and numb as Ive felt the last year, one thing keeping me going has been signs from her. I'm glad you're also getting signs from your husband. A couple days after my wife crossed, our portable air purifier kicked on for no reason (no pollution, no odor, no dust -- I verified the AQI reading) and continued to turn on and run at high speed always when I was talking to her. She sent me messages on t-shirts. The craziest stuff. I'd be biking along and someone goes by with a t-shirt that says "Thank you" or "Melancholy" or "Soul Mate" or "Trust Your Soul, Clear Your Mind" or "Make Yourself Your Best Friend." The message on the t-shirt would always be relevant and timely. I could go on and on. Somehow I had the awareness to journal all these. May you find some comfort, 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Dragonfly999 Posted May 15, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 15, 2022 @Jemiga70 thank you for some of that validation. I’ve had the T-shirt thing happen too. One of his most common pet names for me was Sunshine and even while still in France I kept seeing that word on shirts, bags etc in English. I keep getting flyers/ads in the mail that have it also. Every time I see that word I think it’s from him. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post EdieShavonne Posted May 24, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 24, 2022 I am deeply deeply sorry for your lost. I read your post and can relate. My name is Edie, I am 42. I lost my husband George who we call "Chuck" on April 9th, 2022. He was 39 years old and looking forward to his 40th birthday. He died of an arotic dissection that ruptured his stint. I found him on the floor around 8:15am after suddenly jumping up out of my sleep. I last spoke with him at 5:10am when he told me his neck was pulsating and that he needs to get his blood pressure medicine. I am so lost right now and devastated. He was my soulmate, my everything, we did everything together. We met in Aug 2002 dated and married in April 7th 2011. We have been together for over 20 years and have 4 beautiful kids together. People always complemented us on our "love" as it stood out and people could genuinely recognize what is real. I am struggling every second of the day. My emotions are up and down. I feel his spirit here with us and he does things like flicker with the lights. I have a friend who is clairvoyant and told me that it was him and that he said he is ok. My kids even feel his presence and often talks to this salt lamp light that flickers and changes colors. Its like we know it is him. The day before we were talking about death and he said he would come back. I had no idea this would be my life and how it changed with blink of an eye. I just want my husband back!!!! This cant be life. 4 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post April Ballou Posted May 24, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 24, 2022 @Dragonfly999 I understand what you are going through. September 7,2020 my husband Darrell died. We were married 38 years. The thing that I have to deal with is I'm the one that told them to turn the machines off. Even though I knew he was gone, the machines were keeping him alive. They claim it was covid, but I think he had pneumonia. We were like salt and pepper,, together. It's almost 2 years now and I still miss him so much it hurts. I have never been alone before. I went straight from my mother's house to living with Darrell. This life stinks but I know he would want me to keep going. 5 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dragonfly999 Posted May 24, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted May 24, 2022 @EdieShavonne thank you for sharing when you have such a similar story. I just want my husband back too, I can’t deal with this reality. Everything I once loved has no purpose, I never realized how much the enjoyment of everything was found in us sharing it together. I literally have the sensation like I have a hole in my chest and half of me is gone, everything hurts. To have a perfect life and then some emergent medical issue out of the blue and they’re just gone. I have my lights flicker too, and all kinds of popping/cracking noises in the room with his ashes, little things that I hope are him. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dragonfly999 Posted May 24, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted May 24, 2022 @April Ballou I’ve never been alone before either. I lived at home while I went to nursing school, then we moved right in to an apartment together. And outside of work hours, we spent every second together. We never even were in separate rooms of the house, always together. Every time I have to do something around the house that usually was something he did, it makes me cry because it’s just a blatant reminder that he’s gone. 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post April Ballou Posted May 24, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 24, 2022 @Dragonfly999 it's a hard time being without the one you love. Darrell was my best friend, my lover, my husband, my everything. I thought that I was going to die myself. I found this forum and it has helped knowing that I'm not alone. Everyone has lost a loved one someway or the other and we all loved the one that's gone. Here is a picture of us both. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Dragonfly999 Posted May 24, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 24, 2022 This is us, the last dinner we had together in Paris, the night before he went into the hospital. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members April Ballou Posted May 25, 2022 Members Report Share Posted May 25, 2022 That's a good picture 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Laura Vence Posted May 25, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 25, 2022 What a beautiful couple! I know how devastated you are--and everyone writing in this thread. But thank you all for sharing your deep feelings so honestly. My husband passed in October 2021 from heart disease coupled with liver failure. It was the liver failure that the doctors refused to diagnose properly--I had to get my husband into one of the best hospitals in the country before a very wise cardiologist (and a major heart transplant surgeon) saw that it could be his liver, not just his heart, that was in crisis. So please don't blame yourself dear "Dragonfly" for not knowing your husband's condition. He really died of the liver most immediately I believe, although his heart, too, was in "failure" mode. I tried to hard and really wrecked myself for months and months to get my husband the best care (all the while on a much-needed sabbatical leave and supposedly finishing a book long in the works--that I could not do and now cannot write, I am so shattered all these months later...). Everyone, I feel all these same feelings. I often don't know how I will get through my day. I've taken a leave from my academic teaching work. I dread going back because I cannot think or read or write well. My brain has taken such a hit. I also work in a toxic place (I call it Toxic University), where people behave very badly and have scapegoated me for years for standing up for myself as a woman employee and for helping--trying to create--a diverse environment. I am hated at work, although I have many former students who treasure me apparently, as a few showed up and expressed that at my husband's recent memorial dinner (which I planned, almost against my will, but was determined he would be lauded and noticed for being the amazing human being that he was). I have little support, however--no family and very few friends, especially locally. I also feel scapegoated again--since my son passed away, I am without my true Soulmates and the family I built myself out of love and devotion. So when people ignore me I feel like it's because I represent DEATH. I am the horror they are most afraid of. People actually might be ignoring me because that's the culture we now live in, where death is to be largely ignored, in which people have lost most sense of community and ritual. At least I did the dinner two weeks ago. Literally, I did not think I could do it. It turned out to be wonderful. I only wish my husband and the life he lived--I wish I could tell you all about him here, but in short he was a Frenchman become a New Yorker, a philosopher in his second career as an academic but also in life helping many people, and trained as a chef in France who long ago ran NYC restaurants and always, his whole life, FED people). I DO believe in signs. I have received countless ones from my son. They are much fewer so far from my husband, but when in France recently I ended up at a hotel we had found together driving around his native region in the south, "hidden", and we planned to go back. I forgot entirely about it, then ended up there with my dog, because it was dog friendly, and I found it on Booking.com. It was definitely a spiritual magical moment when I pulled up to this hotel. And guess what! The proprietor was an older woman, very kindly, who had lost her husband only a couple of years ago. We had the best conversations! I felt so blessed to have that experience. I crave more. But right now I am in New York state in my home and finding it hard to wake up, do anything for my work, and complete the copious amount of paperwork that just goes on and on since the death. (I think I've finished "the list." Then, suddenly, the "list" seems to have doubled. I find this so depressing in of itself. Not a soul has offered to help me with anything in America at least. Not a single friend. And if I bring up this labor I am constantly working at, people dial out and off. They don't want to hear it, or make references to this as my "karma" kind of thing.) I want to say again that in July I signed up to attend Camp Widow in San Diego. They have others around the country, I believe, and in Canada. You can get assistance if the registration is too steep for your budget. I'm hoping to meet people like yourselves in person. I'm so isolated, so lonely. And I often have no motivation or hope for the future. At 65, it feels like life is over. I don't want to feel that way. But I often do. Do we get through this? For me its been 7 months. Plus 5 months of intensive, self-destroying caretaking of a very very sick man. I had no one else I could really count on. I had to do it. In America, I found out, the entire system of health care requires a "caretaker" to fill in the copious gaps between institutions, doctors, and corporate-based insurance companies trying to save whatever buck. It also partially destroyed me--and left me so empty even before the death. How will I ever recover? Waiting... Praying... 5 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post EdieShavonne Posted May 25, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 25, 2022 My Soulmate/ Chuck - Im so lost without him 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AcL7701 Posted May 25, 2022 Members Report Share Posted May 25, 2022 17 hours ago, April Ballou said: @Dragonfly999 I understand what you are going through. September 7,2020 my husband Darrell died. We were married 38 years. The thing that I have to deal with is I'm the one that told them to turn the machines off. Even though I knew he was gone, the machines were keeping him alive. They claim it was covid, but I think he had pneumonia. We were like salt and pepper,, together. It's almost 2 years now and I still miss him so much it hurts. I have never been alone before. I went straight from my mother's house to living with Darrell. This life stinks but I know he would want me to keep going. Yes, that's another part of all this that torments me every day, that I had them turn everything off 2 weeks after his cardiac arrest that caused a traumatic brain injury. I know that's what he would have wanted, but it doesn't make it any easier. I don't know what to do without him 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members April Ballou Posted May 25, 2022 Members Report Share Posted May 25, 2022 @AcL7701 I think that is what I go through. Even though Darrell and I had that conversation 100 times or more through the years it doesn't make it easier. It was the hardest decision I ever made. I knew he didn't want to be hooked up to machines. I know he is with God now. I wished it had been me not him. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 25, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted May 25, 2022 @EdieShavonne I am so sorry, he is the same age as my daughter, she turns 40 in a month.. It's hard to comprehend such young loss of life, I am so sorry for the loss of your soulmate and best friend, your kids' dad. I remember the same shock, everything seems surreal...that was 17 years ago for me come Father's Day. I didn't see how I could survive a week, how the sun could go on shining without him in it! And here I am, still taking one day at a time only now I'm growing old alone. I still love him, still miss him, if anything I feel our love is even deeper as I've had to live on faith in our love in all the days and years since....until we can be together again. The feeling I had when he held me...I haven't felt that since. But I know he still loves me. Our love story was like yours, people would stare at us, our love was such it was palpable and evident to all who saw us together! I'm glad you found your way here, where others "get itt" and understand. This is like a family of sorts, we care for each other...we share our innermost thoughts and feelings as we walk this journey together, be it a week, a year, or many years, we share in our experience. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Dragonfly999 Posted May 31, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 31, 2022 It’s not getting any better, it’s getting worse. The initial “in shock” feeling where I could be more numb to plow through and get things done is fading and facing the reality that he’s really gone is unbearable. I finally wrote his obituary and it’s in the newspaper today, in hard black and white facts. Last night I broke down crying harder than I have since he actually died for like an hour to the point of hyperventilating. And note to supposed “friends,” the cruelest thing you can do is make plans to come over and keep me company especially on a holiday weekend, and then at the last minute say “sorry, it’s just not a good time for us, something came up.” Like that was the only thing that got me out of bed and felt like I had something to look forward to and then you just f*cking bail when I’m all alone and barely have anyone for company. Awesome. The most supportive people around have been the servers at our favorite restaurants who have actually sat with me while I cried over my food. Our wedding anniversary is coming up and he liked significant numbers, it was supposed to be special, 9 years on the 9th. I don’t know how to get through that day. I don’t want to do this anymore. People saying “oh you’re doing so great, you’ve taken care of so much for him, he’d be proud of you, you’re such a strong woman!” Yes well I’ve had to be strong my whole life and I don’t want to have to f*cking be strong anymore, I’m over it! I worked hard and overcame so much **** and tried to be a good person, and I found my joy and happiness and it’s just ripped away and I’m left with nothing, how did he or I deserve this?!? 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DWS Posted May 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted May 31, 2022 11 minutes ago, Dragonfly999 said: And note to supposed “friends,” the cruelest thing you can do is make plans to come over and keep me company especially on a holiday weekend, and then at the last minute say “sorry, it’s just not a good time for us, something came up.” I am so sorry that happened to you. It's remarkable how totally unknowing our friends are of the immense pain and turmoil we're going through. If we were lying in a hospital bed all bandaged up, most wouldn't bail on us...but it proves to be disappointing when most don't see the injuries and devastation happening within us. 18 minutes ago, Dragonfly999 said: The most supportive people around have been the servers at our favorite restaurants who have actually sat with me while I cried over my food. That is sweet. Meeting you in your grief and making sure you're nourished. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post April Ballou Posted May 31, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 31, 2022 @Dragonfly999 I completely understand. I had to write my husband's obituary and plan his memorial service. People tell me all the time that I'm a strong woman. But I feel like crawling in a hole most days. I feel like it should have been me not him. People get busy with work, school, and families. But I'm all alone. Being alone stinks. But here I am. It's been almost 2 years since the love of my life died. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dragonfly999 Posted May 31, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted May 31, 2022 @April Ballou I planned his memorial too. We’re having it back in MI since his family and most old friends are there, on his birthday, June 14th so I’ll fly back for about a week. Frankly doing these last tasks to honor him properly are what have been keeping me going so I’m kind of terrified of what happens after it’s done. It looks like just this unending stretch of time with no purpose or joy. I suppose I’ll go back to work but I’m dreading going back into a hospital and my job is really stressful on a good day, let alone after what happened to him and while in the brain fog of grief. He used to send me texts all throughout my work day to brighten my day, sometimes just a random “I love you!” or playful joke. To think of sitting in my office and just have it be work… Everything is just so empty now 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post April Ballou Posted June 1, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 1, 2022 Yes it's the emptiness that I still deal with. I try to keep myself busy, but most days I'm just too lonely to to anything. @Dragonfly999 I don't have a job, my children are grown with their own families. I can go sometimes 2 weeks without someone checking on me. But I do go to church every Sunday and every Wednesday. So I see people then, now the pool is open I will go there to get out of the house. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 1, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted June 1, 2022 21 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said: I’ve had to be strong my whole life and I don’t want to have to f*cking be strong anymore, I’m over it! I get it! I still feel that way at times, it just feels like too much...but then I keep on keeping on and people think me strong. All I know is I have no option. I can't lay down and and wallow like I want because there IS no one to take care of me or even care or notice. I keep going for my puppy. You are so right, the shock protects us a bit from everything slamming us more than we could bear although we sure felt the slam when they died! But then when shock wears off and reality sets in...wow. I'm sorry you're there, but we all sure get it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 1, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted June 1, 2022 18 hours ago, April Ballou said: But I'm all alone. I hear this! People whine about being stuck with their husband/kids during Covid, they ought to try the alternative. I lost my way of life and friends it'd taken so long to build, now I'm just alone, always alone. Oh I have to "do things" for people, but that's not the same as having someone who CARES about you or is ever there for YOU! I used to visit my neighbors on Sun. eve., now they have a vicious German Shepherd they rescued and it bit me, so I don't even go there anymore. Sorry for whining, I just relate to all of you! 17 years and I've gotten used to this but that doesn't mean it was ever my preference. I keep trying, keep focusing on what I do have, but there's no substitute for aloneness. 13 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said: on his birthday, June 14th That's MY husband's birthday! He died five days later on Father's Day. Wow. I will be thinking of you on that day... 13 hours ago, April Ballou said: I do go to church Yes but I've discovered you can even feel lost in a crowd. They're all busy with their families, their life is so different than mine...I'm struggling just to survive it seems. Wow, George would never have imagined this... 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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