Just lost my husband, love, best friend

[Suea]

I am drowning in grief. My husband passed over 6 weeks ago. He died in my arms. I was his caregiver until I had to put him in memory care due to my own health issues which are worse now. I just can't focus on anything. Just called hospice for counsel. We were together 31 years.

[tnd]

I'm so sorry for your loss! I hope someone at the hospice can help you but unless you're their patient don't be surprised if they can't (unless you are terminal). Some places can offer palliative care, maybe you can look into that. Since I'm only 58 and can't be declared terminal (just yet), I have had to move in with a family I hardly know. Now I am working on getting my own apartment with the disabled widow benefits I get. If you are 60+ then your city might have programs for you. And you are right, it can be very hard to focus on anything but I am learning to take care of one task at a time, depending on the priority. So try not to think too far ahead, just in small increments. Rest when you need to. Do a little then rest a little....that's how I have to do things but I'm on oxygen. 

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, tnd said:

I hope someone at the hospice can help you but unless you're their patient don't be surprised if they can't (unless you are terminal).

Many hospices and hospitals offer grief counseling (group and individual) for immediate family members.  Sometimes it doesn't cost anything and other times, especially the individual sessions, are on a sliding scale.  Ours had a few options, but I'm not comfortable with in-person group therapy.  I know it helps many others though.

10 hours ago, Suea said:

I am drowning in grief. My husband passed over 6 weeks ago. He died in my arms. I was his caregiver until I had to put him in memory care due to my own health issues which are worse now. I just can't focus on anything. Just called hospice for counsel. We were together 31 years.

What you are describing is incredibly typical.  In some ways, it mirrors my first weeks and months after my John died (15 month fight with bladder cancer).  He died in the hospital (was supposed to go home on hospice that day, but his body failed) with me by his side, telling him I love him and holding him.

Even when we know we're going to lose them, we are never prepared and it's a shock.  It affects every cell of our bodies and minds, making any medical conditions worse.  I have multiple medical issues of my own and they were horrible after John died.

Time has helped.  My grief has slowly evolved as I've learned to carry it along with our love and joy and all that was good in our 35 years together.  It's not easy, but it's easier than it was at first.  I rarely have tsunamis wash over me, threatening to drown me.  Instead the waves aren't as strong or deep and they don't last as long or come as often.  I will miss my love every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  Today that missing, the pain and devastation, is not all I feel.

I hope hospice is able to guide you to counseling that will help you start your grief journey.  It will be unique to you, but I assure you that you are not alone.  We're all walking our own paths on the same painful road together.  I hope you find being here helps you as it has helped me.  When you find yourself down in the dark pit of despair, please come here to reach out your hand and we will help because we understand, we know, and we are here for you.

[Suea]

Thank you for offering help and hope. I spoke with Hospice grief counseling today. My husband was in hospice at the very end.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I hope you look after yourself and your health.    I'm really glad you're getting counseling, hospice is good at providing that to family members or knowing someplace you can get it.  

I'm very glad you found this place and hope you'll continue reading/posting, it helps a lot.  I lost my husband nearly 17 years ago on Father's Day, June 19th, a place like this saved me when I was desperate, it really helps to find people who get it and understand!  Plus I had the added benefit of a hands on admin. who was a retired grief counselors, a lot of the links I share are from her collection.  She was much better than my in person grief counselor!  (I live in the country so there was only one in town, he claimed being a grief counselor but was anything but!)  I remember him loaning me a book...the starting words were "I took off my wedding ring..."  I started bawling!  I didn't/couldn't read any more.  He didn't get why it upset me!

This is the hardest journey I've ever been on...one without an ending.  Time does soften it some, but it's also what we do with it that helps...reading, grief counseling, grief support groups, coming here, journaling, our coping abilities, mindset, all contribute.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Suea]

Thank you so much. This was the best thing I have read to date. I will refer to it often!