Loss of husband

[Cyndy]

I am not sure quite how this works but I am new to this sight. Do I just start writing like I am here? Or, is there a format I should be using.

Thank You, Cyndy

[PLin]

Cyndy,

Just type away, exactly as you did above. You will find kind and supportive people here.

Hugs,

Lin

[Cyndy]

I lost my husband during Covid. He had a myriad of health issues and was very sick for many years. We were together for 30 years and never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever lose him. I had to take over his business which I knew nothing about so I think I put off grieving so to take care of finances, etc.In January out of the blue I packed up my house, put everything in storage, put my three dogs in the car and drove cross country to be closer to family. The funny thing is...I see my sister on rare occasions and I have no children so I am all alone in a new town. Now that the business has sold I feel like I have hit a wall. I cry every time I see my husband's picture or anything that reminds me of him. I have always been such a strong person but lately I feel I am falling apart.

[Canadagirl81]

Welcome @Cyndy I'm sorry you have to be here with us and for the loss of your loving husband. 30 years is a tremendous amount of time, you are so fortunate. 
I think it's absolutely natural that you have hit the wall. Just as you said, you put your grief on the back burner and so now that you have moved to a completely new space without the responsibilities that were distracting you, of course your grief is at the forefront.  The only way to face this is through...you can't bypass grief without it spiraling out of control and coming out in very unhealthy ways. It's absolutely understandable that you cry at his picture and the memories/reminders hurt so deep, you spent a huge chunk of your life together. Feel it all. Be kind and patient with yourself. It's okay to feel all that you feel. If you want to stay in bed all day, do that. If you want to get out and be in nature, do that. Just take it one minute at a time. You ARE strong and it's okay to fall apart. You have suffered an unimaginable loss and things have forever changed. This is our reality now, we will always grieve their loss. 

I'm only 3 months in since suddenly losing my partner Glenn and I flow with my grief as best I can. Whatever emotions come, I accept and face them. I let myself feel whatever it is I'm feeling, I talk about it, I journal and I come here. Allow yourself to fall apart, it's the only way through. Grief isn't linear so it's normal and natural to have many different emotions sometimes even in the matter of minutes. I try to flip my perspective to gratitude as much as possible, thankful that I even have a connection like I do with Glenn. Sometimes I find myself down the despair rabbit hole but I don't let myself set up camp and stay there. I want to honour Glenn and live my life for both of us. I know your husband wants you to continue on but please don't rush yourself or think you should be further along in your healing than exactly where you are.  Be okay with not being okay. Take good care of yourself now Cyndy. You aren't alone, we are all here for each other. You also have your husband. I know he isn't physically here but your connection and love remains, he's just with you in a different way now. Talk to him out loud, that helps me every single day when I speak with Glenn about how I'm feeling and what I want to say to him. 
I am sending you so many hugs and all the love. 
Laura

[Cyndy]

Oh Laura, YOU are so strong. Losing Glenn such a short time ago is unimaginable to me. I thank you for all of your kind and loving suggestions. I am trying to continue my journey and I am so grateful to have found this group and know I am not alone. Please take care of yourself also. Kind thoughts go out to you and many hugs too. Cyndy

 

[KayC]

My post to you yesterday disappeared with all of the others, I am so sorry. 

I am sorry for your loss but very glad you found your way here, I hope you'll continue to come here to read/post, normally the posts don't just disappear, their site was down the first time, and apparently after I reposted the second time also!

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[DWS]

On 4/30/2022 at 7:17 PM, Cyndy said:

 I have always been such a strong person but lately I feel I am falling apart.

Given the tremendous loss and changes that have happened to you, I think you can allow yourself to fall apart. Losing our partners and spouses is damn hard enough but you also had to step up and take care of his business and the finances. You should be given an award for being so strong and doing all of that while coping with the loss of your husband and now...now you deserve to fall apart a bit and take time to grieve. You don't need to be strong now. You've been terribly wounded and need to heal. Thankfully, you have the three dogs to give you some needed companionship and a close sense of home. I'm hoping you can find a trusted friend to talk to or a grief counsellor. Letting out and sharing some of your grief here works too. 

Hugs, Don

[Cyndy]

Kay, the article you wrote is so informative. Many of your points "hit home". I do think that since there was so much for me to take care of after my husband's death that I wound up "hiding" amongst all the work I had to do. Now that I have more time on my hands all the emotions that go along with a loss, hit me head on. I will try to get through each day, one day at a time as I have always fast forwarded to the future and now that is not working for me. Thank you so much.

Don, you recently lost your partner and I feel I should be giving you words of wisdom...I guess time is irrelevant. Please take care of yourself too. Thank you!

[Sparky1]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

My post to you yesterday disappeared with all of the others,

Kay, there's been some weird anomalies for me the last few days as well. I read all new posts and a couple of hours later, there's a ton of older posts that show up as unread.

[Canadagirl81]

Thank you so much @Cyndy There are days I feel strong and others where I am absolutely not. I'm so glad you found your way here too. Thanks for the love. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Cyndy said:

I have always fast forwarded to the future and now that is not working for me.

Yeah, I definitely could not bite off "the rest of my life" bullet as it sent my anxiety soaring after he died!  Just getting through today is enough.

20 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

Kay, there's been some weird anomalies for me the last few days as well. I read all new posts and a couple of hours later, there's a ton of older posts that show up as unread.

I wrote them about this issue but never heard back.  At least they removed the spammer for me.