Missing my Mom

[Elizabeth S.]

Grief is weird and comes in waves. May is hard. My Mom passed May 17th 2020. Her doctors thought she had COVID, so were afraid to see her but didn't even send her to get tested. Turns out COVID and advanced pancreatic cancer have similar symptoms. After weeks of isolating at home, sick, scared and utterly alone, her doctors finally relented and told her to go to Urgent Care. She had blood clots in her lungs and it had spread to other organs. I flew in May 11th, her birthday and Mother's day. She was herself, though weak and suddenly grey-haired, for a day and a half. Then things went downhill and after a second short hospital stay she came home for hospice. I was in charge of her medicine, of watching her die. It was horrible and I feel like I failed her. I've never seen anyone die before but it seemed so painful and terrible and it was my responsibility to make it not that. Sometime I fixate on things like she peed once after she got home and it was bright red. It shocked me. When I get my period next I looked into the toilet and had the irrational thought that I was dying. I think of her strained face, jaw clench, unable to talk. Could she hear us? Was she cursing me for her pain? My husband drove 12 hrs straight in the car to get our kids to see her. She was technically alive but unable to respond. They put their little hands on hers but I don't know if she felt it. My little brother didn't want to leave her so he slept on her floor. We all went to bed around midnight and he woke me at 3am to say he didn't think she was breathing. I called the hospice people, and the cremation service and laid stunned clutching my daughter. I think she waited until all of us where there and asleep. I wish I found that more comforting. I miss her so much. I used to love spring, but now the flowers blooming and the re-birth of everything just reminds me of her death, of the permanent absence of her from my life. 

[ADM925]

4 hours ago, Elizabeth S. said:

Then things went downhill and after a second short hospital stay she came home for hospice. I was in charge of her medicine, of watching her die. It was horrible and I feel like I failed her. I've never seen anyone die before but it seemed so painful and terrible and it was my responsibility to make it not that.

I can understand the unbearable heartbreak and terror of what you went through.  Mom was on hospice and when she could no longer speak to me I couldn't stop the panic any longer.  On the last day I should have remained calm and held her hand as the book said but something possessed me to change her bandage and the strain was too much for her weakened heart.  She left me right then and it was not peaceful; she fought to stay with me as she had during the entire 8 1/2 month ordeal (with a 3-month separation).

4 hours ago, Elizabeth S. said:

I miss her so much. I used to love spring, but now the flowers blooming and the re-birth of everything just reminds me of her death, of the permanent absence of her from my life. 

  Fall is also very bad as we loved to collect the leaves together.  I hope being with your family can help at least a little.  Mom was all I had.

[MomsLovingSon]

32 minutes ago, ADM925 said:

On the last day I should have remained calm and held her hand as the book said but something possessed me to change her bandage and the strain was too much for her weakened heart.

I hope that you don't blame yourself for anything there. You were taking care of her until the end, you weren't the cause of her passing.

[ADM925]

6 hours ago, MomsLovingSon said:

I hope that you don't blame yourself for anything there.

I appreciate your kind words.  It torments me that my stupid mindless blunder brought about our last moments together and made Mom more agitated and frightened than she might have been if I hadn't intervened, even if "It was her time" as I'm told.  It's been a staggering nightmare for 18 months.  Like Elizabeth said, I feel that I failed her and made the horror of losing her even worse than it had to be.  

I've been signed up for groups, trying but it hasn't helped so far.  We are all in a terrible place that can seem inescapable.  With 5 / 8 coming it's even more difficult.