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Delayed Grief


patti826

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I lost my Dad on May 21st, 1989 - 22 years ago. I am just letting the grief in now. Why? I feel like it will kill me. I took Paxil for the past 17 years and have finally tapered myself slowly off of it. It numbed me for all those years. Without it, I am feeling my dad's loss SO INTENSELY, it feels like it happened yesterday. I want to throw up. The tears without a brain-numbing pill are constant for the last 3 weeks. I have to welcome them now.

My dad was everything to me. My rock, my role model in generosity and faith. He was sensitive and kind. He wasn't an angry man. He was so proud of his kids. I am 52 years old and feel like a small child LONGING for that strength that he had. The inner strength. I can't find it. I am angry that my life is upside down rigtht now. I don't think he'd be very proud of me now. But I'm doing the work. I'm writing about him and to him. I'm weeping uncontrollably for hours at a time. I feel like I'm losing my mind. The hurt is so so deep. I don't know who I am without the stupid paxil but I DO know that this hurt and grief has been buried for so long, that I have no choice but to feel it all now... full speed. I alternate between anxiety symptoms - dizziness, fear, racing heart AND full blown mourning - sadness like I've never known. We HAVE to let it in. I don't know when it turns from grief to depression. I hope I'm grieving. I don't want to numb it away with another pill. I believe that this deep pain will set me free. I pray that that is the case.

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I am so sorry about the loss of your father. He sounds like a really special person. It is sooo hard to lose a parent. It is very painful to deal with, whenever it hits. I too was numb for a period and actually thought I was doing okay until some of the craziness settled down and I encountered other issues in my life. Then it it hit and hit hard. It is good that you are now dealing with it although I am sure it does not feel good. I am sorry it is so painful. It can be quite a shock when the numbness wears off. Acknowledging the loss of someone you love who loved you is a very difficult thing. I found that talking about it helps. You are always welcome to come here and "talk". We will listen and there are people here who understand the grief and pain of loss. It takes time but it does get better. I know that can be hard to see when you are swamped with sadness and pain. I believe you are right working through the deep pain will help you come to acceptance and more of a sense of peace. Be kind to yourself and hold on to the good moments when you have them. I am sure your dad would be proud of you. Take care and God bless. ~Terra

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Thank you so much for responding. I needed that. Delayed grief seems different to me than the kind that is felt in the moment. I ALREADY acknowledge that he's gone (after 20 yrs, it's pretty clear). I feel liked I've done a ton of deep emotional sadness and tears and writing. I think I'm at the desire to let him go and not sure how to get there. Write more to/about him in my journal? Listen to his favorite music to bring more tears? I'm ready for brighter days. Any thoughts?

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I am glad the reply helped. I think you have to do what feels right to you. Part of healing seems to be getting the emotions out so you are not bottling them up inside and carrying them around with you. You may want to do both writing and listening to music. Be gentle with yourself. The fact that you can see brighter days ahead would seem to say that you are making progress. You can tell us here about your dad if you think that would help.

Others may have more or better answers. I have not totally come to acceptance of my mom's death yet. She has been gone for almost a year. I of course know she is gone but have not fully let go of the wish to hold on to her and have her back. I feel like once I am able to stop thinking that this or that would be better if only my mom were still here I will be further down the road of acceptance. I am sure I will always miss her and have occasional times that I wish she were her but it won't be quite as often as it is now. I have some personal issues in my life that I know she would have been able to help and support me with and I really miss her help and wish she were here to talk with about them. The fact of the matter is however I have to solve these things as difficult as they are without her :-( and her support. I know I will make it but it is hard. Although not all days are bad I too look forward to brighter days.

Take care and I wish you and all of us peace and comfort as we move along our journey.

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I am glad the reply helped. I think you have to do what feels right to you. Part of healing seems to be getting the emotions out so you are not bottling them up inside and carrying them around with you. You may want to do both writing and listening to music. Be gentle with yourself. The fact that you can see brighter days ahead would seem to say that you are making progress. You can tell us here about your dad if you think that would help.

Others may have more or better answers. I have not totally come to acceptance of my mom's death yet. She has been gone for almost a year. I of course know she is gone but have not fully let go of the wish to hold on to her and have her back. I feel like once I am able to stop thinking that this or that would be better if only my mom were still here I will be further down the road of acceptance. I am sure I will always miss her and have occasional times that I wish she were her but it won't be quite as often as it is now. I have some personal issues in my life that I know she would have been able to help and support me with and I really miss her help and wish she were here to talk with about them. The fact of the matter is however I have to solve these things as difficult as they are without her :-( and her support. I know I will make it but it is hard. Although not all days are bad I too look forward to brighter days.

Take care and I wish you and all of us peace and comfort as we move along our journey.

One thing that I find comfort in is KNOWING that my dad would NOT want to have continued living in the condition he was in right before he died... had a stroke, was unable to speak, feed himself, communicate in any way, etc. He had said years ago after seeing someone in that condition "I would never want to continue on as a vegetable". The 'vegetable' term is a terrible one, but I knew what he meant and looking back now, I realize that it's my selfishness that wishes he was still here even in THAT condition. I find comfort in knowing he only lasted one week in that condtion. He had the stroke during surgery for caratoid artery surgery. You may want to do something symbolic to begin to let go... even if it's just a little. For me, I cut little hearts out of paper .. one for each year he's been gone and drove to a park near home that has ducks and a small lake. I sat alone. Talked to him about how much I didn't want to let him go, but HAD to so that he could rest and so that I could move on. I said 'good-bye' and opened my hand and let the tiny hearts fly out of my hand. Cried for a long while, til it felt done for that moment.... took a deep breath, and drove home. I need to get a nice picture bigger than the little 5x7 I have now to put on the wall. I want to be able to see him in my home. I still write about him. I'm not angry at him for leaving me yet (which I hear is a step in grief). It's easier for me to be angry at God or the doctors that cared for my dad. I ask 'why?' a lot. I think these are normal parts of grief too.

Please stay in touch and lean on me in your grief. All that's living must die. That is nature's way. I just find it hard to understand why God gives us good people to love, knowing we will all be separated by death at some point. :( I'm working on that one.

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Patti,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through so much suffering. It seems like the previous poster said that your dad was a very special person. I also see that you are going through a time of questioning why things happen the way they do. 'Why?' Is a good question to ask, Patti, it means you are looking for the answers.

However, you are not alone. In fact, when you read the Bible you will find that faithful, God-fearing people had similar questions. For example, the prophet Habakkuk asked Jehovah : "Why is is that you make me see what is hurtful, and you keep looking upon mere trouble? And why are despoiling and violence in front of me, and why does quarreling occur, and why is strife carried?" (Habakkuk 1:3)

Jehovah did NOT scold the faithful prophet, instead he included those words in the inspired Bible record and helped him to get a clearer understanding of matters. Jesus himself also 'groaned within himself' and wept on a number of occasions (John 11:33-35). We are no different, we suffer through many troubles and may ask ourselves: If God is loving and all-powerful, why does he not do something to end suffering?

The answer involves a little-known fact--Satan the Devil is the ruler of this wicked world. When tempting Jesus, Satan offered him all the kingdoms of the world, saying: "I will give you all this authority and the glory of them, because it has been delivered to me, and to whomever I wish I give it." (Luke 4:5-7) But then another question arises, Who made Satan the ruler of the world? In short, when our first parents, Adam and Eve, obeyed Satan and turned their backs on God, they, in effect, chose Satan as their ruler. Since that rebellion, Jehovah God has patiently allowed time to show that Satan's rulership is a miserable failure.

There is a way for us to return to serving Jehovah and because he cares for us, he has made arrangements for Jesus to deliver us from Satan's rule. But that's a whole other post. hehe!

I just wanted to see if God's Word could help you through these intense emotions you are having. There is much more to learn from what God tells us through the Bible and if it's your wish I can share more scriptures on Why Jehovah allows all this suffering? If he is the Almighty, he has the power to stop it. Then, why does he hold back?

There is nothing that we might be going through that our loving God does not already know and He provides the comfort we need. Romans 15:4 says: "For all the things that were written aforetime were written for our instruction, that through our endurance and through the COMFORT from the scriptures we might have hope".

Patti, I hope to hear from you soon.

Kindest Regards,

Ada

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One thing that I find comfort in is KNOWING that my dad would NOT want to have continued living in the condition he was in right before he died... had a stroke, was unable to speak, feed himself, communicate in any way, etc. He had said years ago after seeing someone in that condition "I would never want to continue on as a vegetable". The 'vegetable' term is a terrible one, but I knew what he meant and looking back now, I realize that it's my selfishness that wishes he was still here even in THAT condition. I find comfort in knowing he only lasted one week in that condtion. He had the stroke during surgery for caratoid artery surgery. You may want to do something symbolic to begin to let go... even if it's just a little. For me, I cut little hearts out of paper .. one for each year he's been gone and drove to a park near home that has ducks and a small lake. I sat alone. Talked to him about how much I didn't want to let him go, but HAD to so that he could rest and so that I could move on. I said 'good-bye' and opened my hand and let the tiny hearts fly out of my hand. Cried for a long while, til it felt done for that moment.... took a deep breath, and drove home. I need to get a nice picture bigger than the little 5x7 I have now to put on the wall. I want to be able to see him in my home. I still write about him. I'm not angry at him for leaving me yet (which I hear is a step in grief). It's easier for me to be angry at God or the doctors that cared for my dad. I ask 'why?' a lot. I think these are normal parts of grief too.

Please stay in touch and lean on me in your grief. All that's living must die. That is nature's way. I just find it hard to understand why God gives us good people to love, knowing we will all be separated by death at some point. :( I'm working on that one.

Hi Patti, I am so sorry for your loss. I think what you did with *letting go* of your little paper hearts at the lake was an amazing thing to do ~ In my opinion, you stand as a strong example to others here regarding facing the painful truth of the matter and having the courage to let go. You honor your dad with your actions, and I’m inspired by your strength & fearlessness. My mother died last year on Black Friday from stage 4 lung cancer, but I haven’t grieved yet. I’ve not arrived at that port in my personal journey, but I dread that I will. And I’ll be cutting out 66 paper hearts for when it’s my time to let go. Thank you somuch for this ~ I know it will help me. Just as a last little note, though I am not a believer, I’ve heard the phrase *God only gives you what you can handle* so, for what it’s worth, I hope this brings you further hope and strength. Take care~

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Hi Patti, I am so sorry for your loss. I think what you did with *letting go* of your little paper hearts at the lake was an amazing thing to do ~ In my opinion, you stand as a strong example to others here regarding facing the painful truth of the matter and having the courage to let go. You honor your dad with your actions, and I’m inspired by your strength & fearlessness. My mother died last year on Black Friday from stage 4 lung cancer, but I haven’t grieved yet. I’ve not arrived at that port in my personal journey, but I dread that I will. And I’ll be cutting out 66 paper hearts for when it’s my time to let go. Thank you somuch for this ~ I know it will help me. Just as a last little note, though I am not a believer, I’ve heard the phrase *God only gives you what you can handle* so, for what it’s worth, I hope this brings you further hope and strength. Take care~

Hi Patty: I know exactly how you feel. My mom died 3 weeks ago, she had a stroke, parkinsons, I kept her alive by feeding her ect. however she did not fair as well in the nursing home and she died there. I miss her so much and some days are really hard. I am thinking of coming down to florida. I did take my mom to calif with me and it was so hard i had to place her in a nursing home. I could not manage myself. I took care of her for over a year by myself.

I will prey for peace, acceptence for all.

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