Marriage!

[William M]

I'm posting much this week, but I've had a lot on my mind, one being marriage.  I'm being told by the local government, the Social Security office, the IRS, religion in general, and family\ friends that I'm no longer married. I'm now apparently widowed, and single again. I hate that Idea.  I still feel 100% married, just without my wife. I still refer to her, and think of her as my current wife. I guess I never really thought about the vow "until death due us part". and don't know if I really believe that. I made a lifetime commitment, death be dammed! 

The following thoughts are for my situation only and does apply to anyone else here, Especially the younger folks here -

But for me, because of my original commitment., and the long life we had together, I would never feel right about remarrying, or being buried anywhere else but next to my precious wife.  I do think ( for me)  some casual dating would be acceptable after a very long while. but never marriage or any other long term commitment. I don't know if I will ever feel different as time progress, but I don't believe I will. 

Am I alone in this feeling?

[LMR]

No, you are not alone. I was with my husband for 47 years. No way am I ever going to be feeling single again. I don't want another partner. He was everything to me.

I have tried avoiding putting "widowed" except when absolutely legally necessary. For us women though it is even more complicated. Am I supposed to put Miss instead of Mrs? I still wear my rings and intend to continue. He may not be here but he is still my husband. Holding my heart forever.

[DWS]

It certainly is a good conversation to have because it helps bring up our understanding of this love thing vs legalized marriage. The two are meant to go hand in hand but when a marriage legally ends because one partner has died, the love can continue and that commitment to the marriage can still continue. Compare that to a marriage where it's the love between two people that has died but the marriage can still continue.

It comes right down to love and commitment and I know for me personally, it presents a paradox. I'm immersed in emptiness and loneliness right now but there's only one person who can remedy this and he no longer is present. My love for my partner continues which means any possible suitors, let's say, down the road are drastically defeated in winning my heart. An old Ricky Nelson song has been playing over and over in my mind during these past few weeks...."There'll never be anyone else but you for me, never ever be, just couldn't be, anyone else but you".

 

 

[Gail 8588]

William M, 

I am like you, I still am married to my husband, though I understand and accept that legally my marriage does not exist. 

I also feel this is a completely personal matter.  There is no right or wrong way to feel about this.  I have known people who had long, committed marriages who remarried after the death of their spouse.  I am totally happy for them that they have found love again.  I don't think it reflects any less love for their deceased spouse.  I think it is more like being able to love multiple children. Loving your second, third born doesn't mean you love the first born any less.

For me personally, I was with my husband 40 years (38 married). My heart is still his 5 years after he died. I wear my wedding ring because I still feel married. I don't think that will ever change for me. I have made the arrangements to be buried next to my husband.

Gail

[William M]

Gail- I agree, These are my feelings about my personal situation, and everyone has there own path to follow.  Within the last few days, I had a phone meeting with  The SS office and did my taxes. All this drove home that I was now single which I refuse to believe.  

 

BTW For those that did not know. If your spouse dies your entitled to a $255.00 payment from SS.  Not much of a return for years of paying in, but might as well get something!

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, LMR said:

Am I supposed to put Miss instead of Mrs? I still wear my rings and intend to continue. He may not be here but he is still my husband. Holding my heart forever.

You can and will be Mrs. for the rest of your life. I wear my wedding ring on my left hand and his on a chain around my neck, along with a little gold pendant he bought me once just because I liked it.

John is my husband in my heart and mind. He always will be. I really don’t care what other people think or what stupid “traditions” have to say about it.

Of course I check “widow” on legal documents or when dealing with banks, utilities, and other companies. That’s required, so I do it. Otherwise, I am Mrs. to the world. 

[SSC]

@William M I feel exactly as you do.  I was married for 35 years, I was very young when we got together and I have such difficulty thinking of myself with anyone else.  I’ve always said I’d have male friends but to remarry…is beyond my scope of thinking.  It’s too strange.  I just cannot see myself being comfortable enough to ever be in that type of a relationship again.  The longer I’ve been without my husband the more I’ve come to realize it takes effort to find a boyfriend/girlfriend.  This isn’t like it was back in high school or college where we meet people all the time and everyone is single and “looking”.  Rarely do people meet organically it’s all online these days.  Anyway, what is the point of dating if all I want is to be friends?  I doubt many men would understand unless they had a loss as well.

[Sparky1]

My wife is still my wife. I have my spot next to her, name, birthday and all. The only thing missing is the date of my passing. I don't want to be separate from my wife.

[foreverhis]

On 4/27/2022 at 12:14 PM, SSC said:

I feel exactly as you do.  I was married for 35 years, I was very young when we got together and I have such difficulty thinking of myself with anyone else.  I’ve always said I’d have male friends but to remarry…is beyond my scope of thinking.  It’s too strange.  I just cannot see myself being comfortable enough to ever be in that type of a relationship again.

Ditto to all of this, including marrying fairly young (25; met him at 23) and having 35 years of marriage.  I've had male friends since grade school and am not bereft of them now.  They are a grace in my life because I can trust them with my life, literally, and never have to worry about...well, anything.

John was and is and will ever be my one love.  It's taken quite some time to get to the point where I can truly celebrate that we found each other in this great big world and that he loved me, flaws and all.  That's enough for me.

[tnd]

8 hours ago, William M said:

Am I alone in this feeling?

No. I am 58 with a chronic illness. Doubt anyone would be interested in me. I'm not being negative, just realistic. Besides, the more important thing is that Hubby #2 was it for me. He was truly one of a kind, my old shoe, my everything. As far as I see it, our marriage still exists -through me. However, with that being said, hopefully I will make new friends to do things with.  

[Jemiga70]

@William M  I wear my ring and her rings on my left hand.  Like others have said here, I tick all the proper boxes on the stupid legal forms, but she is my one and only and cannot see being with anyone else because my beautiful wife was my Mount Everest and I fear anyone else wouldn't even be able to reach base camp. Maybe thats not fair to anyone else who could be out there but it's how I feel.  I don't even think of other women.  I cant even look at other women because I only see my wife.  If it's my fate that God puts someone else in my path, OK so be it, but I'm not looking for it.  I'm only 51 but hopefully my road comes to an end before too long.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

Maybe thats not fair to anyone else who could be out there but it's how I feel.

I think knowing that you would compare and that no woman could "measure up" (at least, for now) is a good thing.  You're right that it wouldn't be fair, which is why I have no interest in having another romantic relationship.

2 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

If it's my fate that God puts someone else in my path, OK so be it, but I'm not looking for it.

And if that happens, you will feel differently and you will know.  One necessary element that others have mentioned in the past is that anyone new must not only accept, but welcome, the fact that our soulmates will always be part of us.  We will not leave them behind, but bring their memories with us.  Our love for them is forever.  It seems to me that it takes a pretty special person to accept and welcome that.  I'm not saying it would be right to basically "worship" our soulmates at the expense of a new love because that wouldn't be right either.  Nora McInerny talks about that in one of her TED Talks, how her life and love for the husband she lost made her the person she was/is that drew her new love to her.  She was able to embrace both loves and keep them both as part of her life.  I doubt I will ever be able to do that. OTOH, she was in her early 30s when her love died and I was less than a month away from 60.

2 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I'm only 51 but hopefully my road comes to an end before too long.

I understand.  Truly, I do.  I felt that way for a good 2 years.  I couldn't tell you exactly when those feelings started to shift, but by the time I had survived 3 years, I realized that I was okay living for now.  The women in my family tend to live into their 90s; I do not want that.  Yet, over the past year I have started to truly find a life I can live without John.  I am finding a kind of happiness.  A smaller, different happiness, but I do feel it more often.  So while I no longer fear death, I also no longer wish for it every day.

I can't say how you will feel as you go along, of course, but I can say that my grief has evolved over time as I learned to carry it with me, along with my love and our wonderful memories (and the painful ones too).  It no longer crushes me under its weight, though it's certainly not easy to carry either.

[Mojo]

OP, you aren’t alone in your thinking. Until I found this site, I thought I might be.

Recently filed our last joint return with the IRS. Going forward, it’s definitely going to feel strange filing as single or widower, or whatever happens to be correct.

But, like you and others on this thread, I still consider myself married. We made vows, kept them for many years, her dying of cancer doesn’t change that for me. Fifteen months on, I still wear my ring, and can’t imagine ever taking it off. She was an amazing woman, irreplaceable.

Our monument is in place, just waiting for my date of death. I’m early ‘60’s, so hopefully that will be many years in the future. I need more time to enjoy our children and grandkids.

I’ve found that most people don’t “get” what I’m going through. They think they do, but unless you’ve lived it like we on this thread have, it’s hard to imagine the emotional trauma that we’ve had to deal with.

It is nice to find a place like this where people understand, as sad as the circumstances of that understanding have proven to be.

Best wishes to all of y’all.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Mojo said:

OP, you aren’t alone in your thinking. Until I found this site, I thought I might be.

Welcome here, I hope you'll continue reading/posting here, it helps knowing others "get it" and understand.  We want to be here for you, no one should have to feel they're alone in what they're going through, feeling.

This is a very valid topic, I'm glad William posted.  Death does not arrest our love or our feelings, even of commitment.  Recognizing this was our person, unique and irresplaceable!

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[HisPumpkin]

I’m only 38. I was engaged to D but we hadn’t even picked the ring yet. I’m kind of unconventional, we wanted something unique. So til then I had a little silver cladagh promise ring, and I wear that on my wedding finger, heart pointed towards me, old Irish folklore signifies this means you belong to someone. We were to marry this summer. I had a reading today (forgive me if you’re not a believer in such things, I’ve detailed a little more on my own thread), and he kept saying “husband”. Ironically last night I was seriously considering changing my last name by deed poll anyway. I wanted so much to be his wife. 

My issue is the opposite, I suppose. In the eyes of the law I was and remain “single”. That feels like an erasure, which I think is maybe what you are feeling too in your own situations - like the status is an erasure of your commitment. 

It’s not. I never really cared for marriage until I met someone I was 100% sure I wanted my forever with. I thought it was just a piece of paper and that it’s what’s in your hearts that matters most. 

Whilst now that piece of paper would signify so much more to me than I ever imagined, I still know that in my heart, D is my husband. In every single way that matters emotionally. It’s just that these tick boxes are so ridiculously linear, because they’re all about legal status.

Your soulmate is your soulmate, and always will be.

 

On 4/27/2022 at 4:50 PM, DWS said:

It comes right down to love and commitment and I know for me personally, it presents a paradox. I'm immersed in emptiness and loneliness right now but there's only one person who can remedy this and he no longer is present. My love for my partner continues which means any possible suitors, let's say, down the road are drastically defeated in winning my heart. An old Ricky Nelson song has been playing over and over in my mind during these past few weeks...."There'll never be anyone else but you for me, never ever be, just couldn't be, anyone else but you".

 

 

I feel this viscerally. It was suggested to me that in time, as I’m still young, that there will of course be other suitors. There may well be. Right now I can’t even imagine ever letting anyone close to me. It’s a lonely thought but D was my perfect fit. My body, my mind, my heart, my soul entwined with his. I love him with a depth and intensity that doesn’t stop with his passing. The flip side of that is I can’t imagine getting to a place where my mind didn’t default to comparisons, and anyone else would come up short. Which is not fair to another person. But how do you top perfection? 

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

I had a reading today (forgive me if you’re not a believer in such things, I’ve detailed a little more on my own thread), and he kept saying “husband”. Ironically last night I was seriously considering changing my last name by deed poll anyway. I wanted so much to be his wife. 

If I may be so bold:  You are his wife in every way that matters.  You belong to each other, heart and soul.  Yes, the legal papers and ceremony and maybe a party are good things, but they aren't all that makes a marriage.  Being soulmates is what makes us bound to each other with unbroken threads of love.

If you can change your name by deed poll, why not do it?  (Forgive me, I don't know UK law well enough to know the circumstances that allow name changes.  I believe that you can do it simply because you want to and have it certified?  Then you would use the paperwork the way I used my marriage license in conjunction with my birth certificate and driver's license to prove change of name?)

You kept saying "husband" because that is who D is to you.  And don't worry about whether others believe or don't believe in things you do.  We're all different and we respect that.  My husband John and I left the formal religions in which we were raised (traditional Episcopal and Methodist-Episcopal) for a more universal faith because that's what worked for us as we got older.  It was hard to explain to some family members that leaving a religion was not at all the same as losing or leaving our faith.  Ultimately, we decided not to make their frustration our problem.  My faith remains intact in the way that John and I believed.

[Ronni_W]

10 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

[...]The flip side of that is I can’t imagine getting to a place where my mind didn’t default to comparisons, and anyone else would come up short. Which is not fair to another person. But how do you top perfection? 

My own thought was that you really cannot (top perfection). The best, I think, is that *maybe* we will be able to come up with, for our own self, some new definition/expectation for "perfection", and then maybe/hopefully some future suitors will be able to live up to that new thing, without any comparisons to our "old" loved one. Sort of, like just having to create a "new normal" for ourselves and our life and our lifestyle, going forward. (Not that, right now, I have the faintest clue how to do any of it for myself; only that...well...my "old normal" that I really miss and want is just not an option for me anymore.)

Love and hugs.

[Jemiga70]

On 4/28/2022 at 2:38 PM, foreverhis said:

One necessary element that others have mentioned in the past is that anyone new must not only accept, but welcome, the fact that our soulmates will always be part of us.  We will not leave them behind, but bring their memories with us.  Our love for them is forever.  It seems to me that it takes a pretty special person to accept and welcome that.

@foreverhis  Thank you so much for saying this and for the other things you wrote.

[William M]

Thanks everyone. It feels good to have people to talk about these things with. I've decided that regardless of what the law, and the church say's or thinks, I WILL be married to my darling wife until I say I'm not

[DMB]

I feel the same.  I made it to the death do us part (35 years married), I am going in the ground next to him someday, I have no interest what so ever of ever finding love again.  I have all I need with my children, family, and friends still here that have been so supportive.  I suck up the loneliness. A small cross to bear until I can be with him again.  I'm coming up on 2 years.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

Not that, right now, I have the faintest clue how to do any of it for myself

None of us did...I'm glad you found this place and welcome you here.  I'm glad to see you reading/posting and hope you'll continue, it really helps to know there's others that "get it" and understand, and that we're not alone in how we're feeling, as tnd put it, that what we're feeling is normal in these abnormal circumstances.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[KayC]

 

2 hours ago, William M said:

I WILL be married to my darling wife until I say I'm not

It seems to me to be a state of the heart, not paper anyway.  I'm glad we were legally bound in marriage, but just because his body gave out doesn't change how I feel.  I continue on faith in him and in our relationship, just as our relationship started out, so it continues.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

 

It seems to me to be a state of the heart, not paper anyway.  I'm glad we were legally bound in marriage, but just because his body gave out doesn't change how I feel.  I continue on faith in him and in our relationship, just as our relationship started out, so it continues.

Kay, I agree 100%. That’s how I feel. (I guess my username is probably a clue.)

[KMkm]

I am 45 this year and I was married for 12 years. I won't remarry because I feel like being alone now.  I have two kids and projects to keep me busy.  I thought about this for a few weeks now since it's only been 6 months since my wife passed.  I don't want to find someone else, but I might find a friend to share a house with but not on an intimate level.  All the power to the ones that do love again.  I know my late wife would want me to be happy no matter what it was.  She isn't here and life is difficult as it is and being alone is hard.  I don't wear my ring but it sits with hers along with some special items that I gathered together for a memorial area.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I guess my username is probably a clue.

 Yes, it certainly is! 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, KMkm said:

I won't remarry because I feel like being alone now.

Honor how you are feeling and what is comfortable.  In time our feelings can change as can circumstances, so important to consider, but none of us knows the future.  I try to remain open to possibilities but also am realistic that the odds are pretty high against it as in 17 years I've never met anyone even close to being the person he was and frankly, what I've seen...no thank you!  But then, I don't date.  Still, I witnessed my friend falling in love at 84 and getting the love of her life then!  He took care of her when she died of cancer.  I will never forget the day they married, she was wearing glitter on her face, it was a beautiful day for them both.  So I learned, "Never say never..."  But still I carry the feelings I will be alone until the day I die, I'm realistic, it is what it is.  Not sure I could adjust aftter all this time, but it would depend much upon the person...

 

[Ronni_W]

On 4/29/2022 at 8:26 AM, William M said:

[...] I've decided that regardless of what the law, and the church say's or thinks, I WILL be married to my darling wife until I say I'm not

You know what I *love* about this that you typed here, William? -- is that you are just going to go with self-empowerment, and the heck with any other person or group or organizations or dogmas or doctrines on Earth. (If this makes sense?)

The reason that I love it so much...(hate to have to admit)...is that I've been holding myself to the "dogmas and doctrines and expert opinions and conclusions" of the self-proclaimed "grief and bereavement experts", in trying to deal and cope with all of my own thoughts and feelings and doubts and confusions, since my husband died under unusual and tragic circumstances. And, just to be absolutely clear, I am not here speaking of the sincere and genuine and helpful people in this group -- KayC's wise counsel (for but one example) has been of immense value.

Ah!, Willaim - I can only hope that you will get some sense of what I'm trying to convey here, about your own empowerment of your own self (?)     Love and hugs, Ronni

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

you are just going to go with self-empowerment, and the heck with any other person or group or organizations or dogmas or doctrines on Earth.

Absolutely!  I grew moxie when my husband died, I had to.

10 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

KayC's wise counsel (for but one example) has been of immense value.

I won't even ask you to cite that one because the point is, it isn't meant to be a grief manual, we're all unique, my tips were gathered from daily interactions on grief sites over many years, not merely my experience, but thousands of others, what worked/helped them.  Not a one size fits all.  You will differ from me in many ways, I've no doubt!

 

[Ronni_W]

On 5/3/2022 at 9:54 AM, KayC said:

Absolutely!  I grew moxie when my husband died, I had to.

Dear KayC,

I ended up 'copy-pasting' your "Grief Process" -- for my personal use only. I will not distribute it to anyone else and most definitely not without proper attribution back to you -- and I 'bolded and highlighted' a whole bunch of it, that fits with me for where I am right now. (I know that my 'bolds and highlights' will shift all around, but then I'll print them out again, with whatever date is happening at that time.)

Anyway. But and so...having to grow moxie. (This is a bit of a humourous 'story' that all of you here -- ALL OF YOU, not just KayC -- have helped me to be able to share.)

We used to live, now just me all by myself lives, close to a couple of different parks/natural outdoor spaces, and squirrels are a real nuisance. So, when we used to go for walks and they'd come anywhere close to approaching us, he'd always go into this 'martial arts' pose, and say to me, "Don't worry...I'll defend and protect you -- with the tone of, "Ronni, you big baby; they're harmless, just yell and they'll run away, you big baby."  And we'd laff and laff.

Anyway so. Then I had to be walking by myself, and some stupid squirrel showed up in the peripheral, and I found myself saying to it: "Just come one millimeter closer, you effin' swine, and I'll kick you to kingdom come!!!" And I was dead serious, and I would have done it, too. Moxie, right? 🙂.

(A whole different story that at least one squirrel has taken my balcony as its 'safe and protected' space. Just earlier on this very day, I was banging and banging on the window, and the stupid effin' thing actually jumped towards me [although I was safe behind the window/door], and ducked into its nest that it has built for itself -- out of cardboard boxes that I put out there a couple of months ago. I swear this is all true! Before this happened today, I already asked my ex-husband to come over one day when the weather is good, and dismantle and get rid of the nest, and get rid of the remaining pieces of boxes. I kid you guys not!!! {I don't YET have enough 'moxie' to go out there by myself! <LOL>.})

[Gail 8588]

@Ronni_W  I have been afraid of squirrels all my life. I know it's irrational but my fear is real.  Some people are afraid of snakes or spiders, for me it's squirrels. 

I have been trapped in my car waiting for another person to come along and scare away squirrels that were between me and a business door that I needed to go in.  At the Washington Mall my kids would run ahead,  clearing the sidewalks of squirrels for their mom.  Even now there are days I am sitting on my back deck and I will have to move inside the house because the squirrels are  getting too close. They are sneaky, approaching from the tree canopy as well as on the ground. It doesn't help that I have a pecan tree in my backyard.

The last home my husband and I shared was on a small coastal island and it had no squirrels! Too salty I suppose.  We lived there for 14 years.  I used to tell him how much I appreciated that he bought me a squirrel free home where I could relax outdoors. 

Gail 

 

[Ronni_W]

24 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

@Ronni_W  I have been afraid of squirrels all my life. [...] I know it's irrational but my fear is real. [...] The last home my husband and I shared was on a small coastal island and it had no squirrels! Too salty I suppose. [...]

Gail,

you made me laff and laff!!!  (William, I know that this is your thread, so please just stop me when you feel that I am 'hijacking' or taking it over on account of squirrels -- they are like that, really very sneaky, as Gail said, and manipulative and all the rest of like that -- do they want to become our 'overlords'??? -- and, if so, let us not fall under their 'spell'. 🙂.)

Is salt a thing against squirrels? Do I need to buy one pound or one tonne???

Love and hugs and all comforting things, to every single person who is reading this.  Ronni

[tnd]

11 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

some stupid squirrel showed up in the peripheral, and I found myself saying to it: "Just come one millimeter closer, you effin' swine, and I'll kick you to kingdom come!!!" And I was dead serious, and I would have done it, too. Moxie, right? 🙂.

I once stood too close to a tree for shade while I ate a sandwich. Yup, you guessed it. His furry little hand reached across me, right past my face as I was about to take a bite. Wished that I had moxie. I don't get too close to trees anymore tho. 

[tnd]

9 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

Is salt a thing against squirrels? Do I need to buy one pound or one tonne???

I don't know about salt but I do know that if you live where there are squirrels not to keep bags of nuts lying around. I knew a woman who kept a large bag of pecans on the hearth of her fireplace. She began noticing that a lot of the pecans would be missing. Then finally she caught the culprit red-handed; a squirrel had been coming down the chimney and stealing the pecans. 

 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I know it's irrational but my fear is real.

Not at all!  If people knew what they were like, they would realize they ARE wild, not just cute little furry creatures.  They can be threatening, a menace, I wouldn't say I hate them but I respect that they are not domesticated and sometimes it's healthy to have a bit of fear out of respect for what they can do.  They'd bite your nose off if given a chance.  And although they can carry rabies, it's rare because they don't survive it.

 

15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

They are sneaky, approaching from the tree canopy as well as on the ground.

Yes.  They know no bounds.  They often build nests in my woodpile although they desert them long before I get to the wood.

 

[Dragonfly999]

Today is one month since he passed. We were together 15 years and married for 9. I decided from the start that I am still his wife, I always will be, and I just have to wait to see him again. We were soul mates, his death doesn’t change that. He was literally the only man I’ve ever been with and he will remain so. I will always wear my wedding rings and I will always wear his ring around my neck.

I’ve had a lot of people (who I’m sure just don’t know what to say but still!) insensitively quickly reassure me that because I’m young (35), I will certainly fall in love again or “find another soul mate.” Are you f*%#ing kidding me, it’s only been a couple weeks and you’re talking to me about replacing him?! I will never. It’s not about something so simple as having a companion, it’s the loss of the deepest love that could exist. I’ve gotten responses that are like “oh, okay honey, whatever you say,” like they think it’s just a grief response and one day I’ll move on like they think. I’m still 100% committed to our marriage, and our vows weren’t “until death do us part”, our vows were eternal and I will honor them and him. 

I’ve even considered going through my closet and getting rid of any clothes that are at all revealing or not as conservative. I’d wear those things for him when we went out to dinner and such and I don’t want to wear them alone and give the suggestion that I’m available.

I will always be in love with him. We have a pillow on our bed that has the quote from Harry Potter, “After all this time? Always.”

 

[William M]

I'm glad I'm not alone in these feelings. I feel no less married than I did a year ago.  I just unfortunately can't be with my wife.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

I’ve had a lot of people (who I’m sure just don’t know what to say but still!) insensitively quickly reassure me that because I’m young (35), I will certainly fall in love again or “find another soul mate

I'm not excusing them but maybe they had good intentions when they say things like this. And yes, it's probably because you are young. But I am going to assume that the more likely reason people say things like that is because  it makes them think they've done their polite little duty and can now move on (and away) from the dark cloud we must emit while grieving. 

[William M]

46 minutes ago, tnd said:

I'm not excusing them but maybe they had good intentions when they say things like this. And yes, it's probably because you are young. But I am going to assume that the more likely reason people say things like that is because  it makes them think they've done their polite little duty and can now move on (and away) from the dark cloud we must emit while grieving. 

Yep,  I believe you nailed it!

[KayC]

I STILL have people telling me I should look for someone!  Uhh, after 17 years don't you think I'm used to being alone?!  This was never my preference but I'm not going out looking!  

I'm sorry for those who are young that get those comments all the time 

19 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

quickly reassure me that because I’m young (35), I will certainly fall in love again or “find another soul mate.”

How annoying and inappropriate!  Not like losing an item and just going to the store to "replace it!"  

[EdieShavonne]

William I feel the same way. My husband and I were together for 20 years. Even though I am only 42 and he was 40 (passed over one week at 39 before his 40th bday), I feel like I will never ever remarry. I cant even see myself with someone else even just dating. A friend of mine who is clairvoyant said he came to her and said he still takes his vows seriously and honoring them. Thats just like my husband loyal even in afterlife. 

[William M]

1 hour ago, EdieShavonne said:

William I feel the same way. My husband and I were together for 20 years. Even though I am only 42 and he was 40 (passed over one week at 39 before his 40th bday), I feel like I will never ever remarry. I cant even see myself with someone else even just dating. A friend of mine who is clairvoyant said he came to her and said he still takes his vows seriously and honoring them. Thats just like my husband loyal even in afterlife. 

Yeah, as I said, right now I just still feel married. As to dating, the thought just feels weird. I may always  feel like that, or one day I might decide on a casual date? However, my plan is to not ever remarry, and to be buried next to my wife one day. After 36 years it just feels like the right thing.  I owe that to her for the happiness she gave me over the years. 

 

I understand younger folks will need to follow another path. Older folks too if that's what they feel works.  I think I know my future in this regard. Life's a gamble and I unfortunately lost the lottery in regard to being alone till my end  defiantly sucks though..

[Gail 8588]

45 minutes ago, William M said:

. . . I unfortunately lost the lottery in regard to being alone till my end  defiantly sucks though..

William M, 

I agree that growing old alone is the pits, but I really do feel like I won life's lottery in that I had 38 years married to the most wonderful man. 

Gail

[HDee]

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I agree that growing old alone is the pits, but I really do feel like I won life's lottery in that I had 38 years married to the most wonderful man. 

So true!  I had 50 years with mine...a blessing.  My only son passed away at 42...our best friend and another blessing.  I tell people, "I had a wonderful husband, a wonderful son, and we had a wonderful life together."  I always try to remember that.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I really do feel like I won life's lottery in that I had 38 years married to the most wonderful man. 

I only knew him 6 1/2 years, now it's been 17 he's been gone, even though we were only married 3 years 8 months, I felt more with him than in the rest of my life put together, he was my person!  I am so glad we met and knew each other, it's amazing how we clicked and understood each other, our love/caring was amazing.

15 hours ago, HDee said:

So true!  I had 50 years with mine...a blessing.  My only son passed away at 42...our best friend and another blessing.  I tell people, "I had a wonderful husband, a wonderful son, and we had a wonderful life together."  I always try to remember that.

I am so sorry you lost your son too, how hard!  And yet you have amazing attitude and focus on the positive.  Kudos! 

[HDee]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I only knew him 6 1/2 years, now it's been 17 he's been gone, even though we were only married 3 years 8 months, I felt more with him than in the rest of my life put together, he was my person!  I am so glad we met and knew each other, it's amazing how we clicked and understood each other, our love/caring was amazing.

I am so sorry you lost your son too, how hard!  And yet you have amazing attitude and focus on the positive.  Kudos! 

Yes, but I have to work at it.

 

[KayC]

On 5/27/2022 at 6:08 AM, HDee said:

Yes, but I have to work at it.

Yes, we do.  It's not like it comes easy to us.

[tnd]

On 5/26/2022 at 3:31 PM, HDee said:

I tell people, "I had a wonderful husband, a wonderful son, and we had a wonderful life together.

That's how I look at my time with my husband. If we had our way, we'd have them forever. My husband and I use to talk about what the other would do after the other one is gone. I would not have been opposed to him remarrying but neither of us wanted to. No, I will be by myself now.  My life is such a mess right now but hopefully once I get into a new apartment things will calm down and I will make new friends. Congrats on the success of your long marriage. 

 

[Ronni_W]

On 5/27/2022 at 9:08 AM, HDee said:

Yes, but I have to work at it.

HDee, thank you!

With those six (6) words, you reminded me of something about myself -- and maybe is something about me that attracted my late husband to me in the first place. (*Maybe*.)

I used to know that, for the most part that is the overall, maintaining and sustaining an "amazing attitude and focus on the positive" does, indeed, take work - a lot of sometimes very challenging and difficult work. AND I had it...AND I knew how to do it.     In the intervening time, I've sort of lost...I guess...my confidence in that I have it and/or still know how to do it.

Not that, at this present minute, I have it all sorted out right now. But that you reminded me that...I couldn't possibly have lost it; but only lost sight of it. About me.

(Not that him not being here right now sucks any less, right at this present minute. It sucks. <laugh; sigh; cry; smile; laugh.>.)

💓💓💓.   Ronni

[Mojo]

On 5/26/2022 at 12:17 PM, William M said:

However, my plan is to not ever remarry, and to be buried next to my wife one day. After 36 years it just feels like the right thing.  I owe that to her for the happiness she gave me over the years. 

Same for me. Joanne was an incredible force of nature. No way to replace her, and l don’t want to try to.

She told me that she wanted me to be buried beside her, even if I married again. I had to laugh. I could never, ever, consider loving another woman the same way. “When you’ve had the best, who needs the rest?”

I know everyone is different, but for me, I feel like I would be diminishing what we had together if I were to be looking for someone to help keep me from being lonely. I won’t do that. I can handle the loneliness, I’ve still got the memories of our great life together.

As I said in my previous post, our double headstone is in place, just waiting on my date of death.