I'm forgetting............... :-(

[William M]

As I cry......

 

I could never forget my wife of 36 years I remember every moment, but today, for just for an instant it came over me that I was forgetting the feeling of having a wife always there, there on the weekends, there on trips shopping. I can't explain it, but I felt it.    I've been stuck in this same routine for 5 months now, and the memory of the feeling of being with someone you love is fading.

I'm starting to think that time only heals, because it allows this feeling to fade. That's a tough pill to swallow. I don't want ANY feeling to fade. Maybe I'm just not thinking clearly.

 

[Jen H]

You are not alone.  I've been feeling the same way with almost 7 months of this new life.  I'm not constantly dreading coming home without him there.  Not waking up and immediately  thinking here goes another day without him.  Don't get me wrong there is still that missing piece in my heart and a huge void there with extremely horrible times but I am getting used to him being gone.  It feels like a good and a bad thing for some reason.  I don't believe time heals all wounds as some wounds leave a permanent scar.  But we got to keep on going some kind of way.  

[KayC]

11 hours ago, William M said:

I've been stuck in this same routine for 5 months now, and the memory of the feeling of being with someone you love is fading.

It's been 17 years June 19/Father's Day for me, yes the comforting feeling of having my husband here, being married, my best friend and companion...that's good and gone.  But him...I will never forget any part of him, not even how it felt when he held me...it just feels so long ago since I've had that.

[LMR]

For me it is now 20 months.  I miss touching him so badly. I was coping quite well but have recently had a relapse, crying at the drop of a hat. At least a couple of times a day.

I was babysitting for my nephew. His 5 year old daughter is very sweet and when saying goodbye we usually have hugs. On this occasion she decided to plonk a kiss right on my lips. My first (and probably last) since losing him. I could barely keep it together, I was flooded with memories. I had almost forgotten how much I missed his kisses.

[Gail 8588]

I think it is very common that for a long time after their death your brain still reverts to the long time standard of expecting to see your spouse when you wake or when you arrive home from work.  Not necessarily every day, but frequently enough.  It is a double edged sword. For an instant all is right in the world, then the cruel reality cuts again. 

After a period of months, years, your brain resets to the new default, that your spouse is not there.  It can be hard to accept the shift.  I remember one day I was making myself lunch and I couldn't open a new jar of pickles. I dropped to the floor sobbing because John would never open another jar for me.  I didn't even have that moment where I wanted to call out to him to help me.  My mind knew he was gone and it just crushed me. 

I don't know if I am explaining this well.  There had been a tiny bit of comfort in thinking he was just in the next room and I could call to him. Now that tiny comfort was gone. I knew right away he was gone and would always be gone.  It felt like I had lost the last tiny bit of his presence in my life. 

I feel his presence in my life differently now.  I still talk to him everyday. I know he is proud when I accomplish something. Hummingbirds and Kingfishers always feel like a sign that he is nearby. I remember everything about him, his gentle touch, his infectious laugh. 

Grief changes overtime but I don't think you will ever forget them at all. 

Gail

[LMR]

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I didn't even have that moment where I wanted to call out to him to help me.  My mind knew he was gone and it just crushed me. 

I don't know if I am explaining this well.  There had been a tiny bit of comfort in thinking he was just in the next room and I could call to him. Now that tiny comfort was gone. I knew right away he was gone and would always be gone.  It felt like I had lost the last tiny bit of his presence in my life. 

 

I think this might be the reason I am currently having a relapse. I see that I am truly left behind. Each day without him just adds to the pain.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I dropped to the floor sobbing because John would never open another jar for me.

My sister went through that when she lost her husband of 50 years, her and I have bought every jar opener known to man but some still will not open in my strength!  I paid $20 for one that never opened a blasted thing, just slipped and slid around them.  For my sister, she not only lost her husband, companion, best friend, but her caregiver!  She had balance issues since a car accident when she was 23, so couldn't get on step stools, he was tall and always reached everything for her.  These are tangible reminders of their absence.  My George always fixed things or figured out how to handle something, between us we were a team, I was good with budgeting/finances, cooking, staying on task, he was the fun one, the idea person, very social, and also very handy.  Together we fit.  I've had to learn to live without that part of me, I'm still lacking the fun/spontanaeity..

 

[Ronni_W]

On 4/26/2022 at 9:08 PM, William M said:

[...] I'm starting to think that time only heals, because it allows this feeling to fade. That's a tough pill to swallow. I don't want ANY feeling to fade. Maybe I'm just not thinking clearly.

William,

It's all so crazy, isn't it?

When I read your thread subject line, my first thought to myself was, "Oh my God, how I *wish* I could start forgetting!" But, on the other side of that, I totally get what you're saying and going through. (At least, I think that I kind of do get it.) For me, I found out that my husband was dead back at the end of August 2020, and I still miss him all the time about everything. Morning coffee, evening dinner, having a cold beer on a Summer's Friday afternoon. Some of it...if not "forget", for it to just not be so intense, so often, still.

Wishing you the best.

[BSL]

5 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

William,

It's all so crazy, isn't it?

When I read your thread subject line, my first thought to myself was, "Oh my God, how I *wish* I could start forgetting!" But, on the other side of that, I totally get what you're saying and going through. (At least, I think that I kind of do get it.) For me, I found out that my husband was dead back at the end of August 2020, and I still miss him all the time about everything. Morning coffee, evening dinner, having a cold beer on a Summer's Friday afternoon. Some of it...if not "forget", for it to just not be so intense, so often, still.

Wishing you the best.

I feel and have lived both your perspectives. Early on after my wife's death, looking forward to sleep to have a few hours respite from the grief and the thoughts was daily life. Now, 6 years later, the sense of losing the last bit of my wife and those memories produces another level of sadness. 

[Ronni_W]

On 4/29/2022 at 9:53 AM, BSL said:

I feel and have lived both your perspectives. Early on after my wife's death, looking forward to sleep to have a few hours respite from the grief and the thoughts was daily life. Now, 6 years later, the sense of losing the last bit of my wife and those memories produces another level of sadness. 

BSL, from having already gone "through the other side of it" -- if you don't mind me putting it that way -- do you, current-day, have any sense that it is possible, or might be possible in the future, for you to "lose" last bits of memory of your wife and your life with her? (I'm not really sure what I'm looking to gain insight into, here - so, that's fine if there's no clear answer. I'm not looking to put on any extra pressure or a new layer of sadness.)

[KayC]

It's been nearly 17 years for me and I still remember all of our moments but it feels more like a movie I once watched...   I hate that time has come between our lives and now.

[William M]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

It's been nearly 17 years for me and I still remember all of our moments but it feels more like a movie I once watched...   I hate that time has come between our lives and now.

 That was one of my first thought after my wife was lost. The thought of a future date say 20 years from now where I haven't seen, heard, or talked to her in all that time. That's still kind of terrifying to me. 

 

As of now. nothing about her has been forgotten  - Except  -  the feeling of her always being right there.  Hard to believe it's been 5 months since her last words to me.

[BSL]

18 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

BSL, from having already gone "through the other side of it" -- if you don't mind me putting it that way -- do you, current-day, have any sense that it is possible, or might be possible in the future, for you to "lose" last bits of memory of your wife and your life with her? (I'm not really sure what I'm looking to gain insight into, here - so, that's fine if there's no clear answer. I'm not looking to put on any extra pressure or a new layer of sadness.)

Ronnie, I'll try to give you a lucid answer, although, it's still confusing to me sometimes!. 

I would say, that, a year or so after my wife died, I hung on to memories, even if they were painful and fresh still, because I had an irrational fear that I would forget her. Painful memories (and the last few months had abundant painful memories!), to me were better than forgetting her. Everyone tells me you will never forget her and I do believe that, but, you just want to hang on to anything. My theory is that as my kids and I move forward in life, we have left my wife in the past and memories exist in the past, so, whether we truly lose those memories or not, it's gone and she is gone. 

Now 6 years or so later, there are days when I think to myself, did she really exist and our lives together, did it really happen?!. Obviously, it did and we have 2 amazing boys, who are now men. So, my long answer to your question of losing the last bits of my wife, is: the memories will fade but not be extinguished but I guess because it's further and further in the past, it feels like forgetting. So as I continue to live it will seem like another lifetime, or like a dream. My wife was 57 when she died, we were married for 25 years but I could easily live another 25 years without her... I hope I explained that well enough. 

[William M]

13 hours ago, BSL said:

Ronnie, I'll try to give you a lucid answer, although, it's still confusing to me sometimes!. 

I would say, that, a year or so after my wife died, I hung on to memories, even if they were painful and fresh still, because I had an irrational fear that I would forget her. Painful memories (and the last few months had abundant painful memories!), to me were better than forgetting her. Everyone tells me you will never forget her and I do believe that, but, you just want to hang on to anything. My theory is that as my kids and I move forward in life, we have left my wife in the past and memories exist in the past, so, whether we truly lose those memories or not, it's gone and she is gone. 

Now 6 years or so later, there are days when I think to myself, did she really exist and our lives together, did it really happen?!. Obviously, it did and we have 2 amazing boys, who are now men. So, my long answer to your question of losing the last bits of my wife, is: the memories will fade but not be extinguished but I guess because it's further and further in the past, it feels like forgetting. So as I continue to live it will seem like another lifetime, or like a dream. My wife was 57 when she died, we were married for 25 years but I could easily live another 25 years without her... I hope I explained that well enough. 

What you said makes sense, and is what I personally expect, but I can't say that I like it...... (Losing my wife to the past, or a past lifetime).

[DWS]

@William MAfter 36 years of marriage, I can almost guarantee that there will be no forgetting. She is part of you and that process started early on in your marriage because of the important impact that your love for each other created. She may show up in the way you put the dishes away or a TV show that you choose to watch...the way you make the bed, the clothes you choose, the music you like to listen to...and so on. She is there and just a memory away. 

My adult life went on a different trajectory than yours. I am 60. I had four significant longtime relationships that all lasted between four to five years each. I know that every one of those had an impact on who I am today. My first relationship happened in the 1980s and that partner shows up in the way that I garden. He also introduced me to the great jazz vocalist Dinah Washington so every time I hear her voice, I feel his presence. We remained good friends after we separated (he always told me that he made a better friend than a lover and he was right!). He passed away six years ago and every memory of him is still right there. 

The same can be said about a longtime friend of mine who passed away from ovarian cancer 13 years ago. Lori and I had a very close 25 years together...think of the show Will and Grace for reference. We met in our early 20s and together, we observed and witnessed the pleasures and hardships of adult life together. When she died, I know a piece of me died with her. So she played this huge role in my life and that love I had for her remains along with every remembrance of her.

Maybe their immediate impact in my current daily life isn't there but say their name and all of these significant people from my past are instantly right there in my mind.

[Jen H]

There is no way I feel you can forget about them and the most impactful memories should be instilled in your mind forever.  However I think as in my experience in my short seven months is that you do start to adapt to them not being there.  You almost have to to be able to keep living a worthwhile life.  I still think of him a lot but it is not a constant distraction anymore.  Im starting to evolve with my grief but he will always be in my heart.  No one should ever feel guilty about continuing to live without them.  

[Ronni_W]

On 5/3/2022 at 6:07 PM, BSL said:

... I hope I explained that well enough. 

Dear BSL,

Yes, and thank you. (I realize that my question may have ‘initiated’ or ‘caused’ or ‘brought up’ some other or extra troubling or traumatic thoughts and memories for you, and I am truly sorry for that. It was not at all my conscious, original intention.) But, yes, and thank you - please know that you did explain it all (more than!) well enough.

I can speak from my loss when my Dad died in 1974, that, for me, regardless of the current-day intensity (or ‘loss’ or ‘lack’ of current-day intensity), he has never been gone and never will be gone…for me. (I cannot speak for my brother, who is a couple of years younger than me.) For me, my dad absolutely did exist and will never not have happened to me in my this lifetime on Earth.

I do NOT know, neuroscientifically, what “remembering” and “forgetting” looks like or means on some scientific ‘MRI’ or ‘fMRI’ graph that some mechanical machine is able to produce/replicate. But, I DO know what I, current-day, 48 years later, still feel and experience in my heart and mind and Soul.

William, I get it, about not liking it. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t like having to find moxie against effin’ swine squirrels! (See my other post about actual, real-life squirrels; the animals. <smile>.)

DWS, I mentioned that I am still very good friends with my ex-husband. For myself, I don’t think that it is ‘moxie’ to say that “a piece of me died with the end of this relationship or that death of a person whom I dearly loved and who was very important and special to me and to my personal psychological and/or spiritual growth and development”…but, it’s also not like a piece of me perhaps did not also die. (Internal ‘conflict’ and crap like that, that I still have to sort through for my own Self.)

Jen H, you say everything that I hope and am optimistic for, for my own life moving forward. Thank you for being the ‘Light, and beacon and lighthouse’ that I can see.

Ronni

[RN-Nix]

@William MI don't think your feelings are fading. Sometimes you have so much on your mind that you can't process everything at once.. I'm sure if you took a few minutes to reminisce on certain aspects of your life with your wife you will remember a lot of the feelings you had with her. Sometimes I intentionally try not to think too deep about my love because the loss is still too painful. You will never forget. I feel that we have defense mechanisms to protect our heart.

[foreverhis]

On 4/26/2022 at 6:08 PM, William M said:

I remember every moment, but today, for just for an instant it came over me that I was forgetting the feeling of having a wife always there, there on the weekends, there on trips shopping. I can't explain it, but I felt it.

I think I know what you mean.  IMO and my experience, it's a coping mechanism our brains create to allow us to function in any way at all.  It's not a forgetting, but more a narrowing of thinking for a time so we can focus on what we are doing right then.  Your mind isn't forgetting, it's focusing narrowly to help you try to cope with what some people (not me) call a "new normal."

On 4/27/2022 at 10:45 AM, Gail 8588 said:

After a period of months, years, your brain resets to the new default, that your spouse is not there.  It can be hard to accept the shift.  I remember one day I was making myself lunch and I couldn't open a new jar of pickles. I dropped to the floor sobbing because John would never open another jar for me.  I didn't even have that moment where I wanted to call out to him to help me.  My mind knew he was gone and it just crushed me. 

It was making a sparkling water for me.  I had to change the CO2 cartridge for our Soda Stream, which is easy for me now, but that day when I realized I had to do it myself absolutely crushed me.  John always made our water and changed the cartridges.  Worse was the first time I had to do laundry (he did it for more than 30 years) and realized I had no idea how he folded the damn fitted sheets perfectly--I mean so perfect that you couldn't tell it was fitted.  I sank down on the bed and just cried.  And then I cursed.  And then I did my best and said, "I'll never be able to do it like you do!"

A year later, I was changing the cartridge (maybe the 10th time), I just did it.  I didn't think about how he should be doing it.  Ditto the laundry.  I just folded the sheet and put it away.

On 4/26/2022 at 6:08 PM, William M said:

I'm starting to think that time only heals, because it allows this feeling to fade. That's a tough pill to swallow. I don't want ANY feeling to fade. Maybe I'm just not thinking clearly.

Of course you're not thinking clearly; at least, not all the time.  That's absolutely to be expected.

I haven't found that my feelings have faded and have never believed that "time heals" this kind of grief (not meaning to insult those who do).  But time does ease the pain and the weight of grief, at least it has for me.  After about 18 months, I was really able to start bringing forward all the happy, loving, wonderful, silly, and even mundane memories and images of our decades together and mix them in with the pain and devastation of his last months fighting cancer and especially his last few weeks and last day.  Those had been all I could see, feel, and think about at first.  Now, everything is in my heart and mind and world as part of the whole of our life together.  So while I miss him every bit as much today as I did the first morning I woke up and jarred awake as the shock hit me again, it's not the all-and-everything it was.  I'll admit though that there are still mornings in those moments between sleep and waking that I forget he's not there and I reach over to snuggle in.  It used to be every morning; now it's only now and then.

My "however" is that while sometimes it still feels as if I lost him yesterday, other days it almost seems as if our life together, our 35 years of marriage, were a movie I once watched or a dream I once had.  I think that is also a way of our hearts and minds protecting us from being drowned and crushed by unrelenting pain.  While we do not move on or get over it, we do slowly move forward, taking our grief and our love with us.

[Roxeanne]

On 5/4/2022 at 12:07 AM, BSL said:

it will seem like another lifetime, or like a dream.

BSL it's my feeling...my life with him is like a ship that vanished in the fog...

It has the consistency of a dream, a dream once i like to dream, a dream i would like to dream forever...

It has nothing to do with memories i think, even if sometimes i surprise myself remembering suddenly something about him that i did not remember.

It has to do with the fact that he is not here anymore!

That strong feeling of irreality....5 minutes of the real person would dissolve it immediately...as C.S.Lewis wrote on his book.

But it's just the impossible thing!

So maybe to lessen the heartbreaking sorrow of the separation our life with them becomes that magical distant dream!

[William M]

Lots of good insight! Thanks guys. I probably think too deeply about these things, but it's my nature to try and make logical sense of everything. 

I hope I can find a life in this mess.  I can go small stretches now without constant sadness, and the fog has more or less lifted. But waves of extreme sadness still pass through me ending in tears, sometimes more than once a day then quickly pass. I don't know when that will stop or at least lessen. Thinking of her still always brings the waves on, rather than happy thoughts.

 

For now, I stay almost 100% busy ( when not at work or sleeping, doing all those things that she had wanted me to do, or I should have gotten done, such as house repair, house organizing, selling a few vehicles, and unused big ticket items.  All in preparation for a coming retirement that I now have no idea what it will look like or consist of now that all those many plans we had have been ruined. ;-(

[KayC]

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Your mind isn't forgetting, it's focusing narrowly to help you try to cope with what some people (not me) call a "new normal."

Very well put!

 

2 hours ago, William M said:

it's my nature to try and make logical sense of everything

Yep, I'm the same, but I can overthink things too.   I'm very analytical, why I was good at my job.

6 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

as C.S.Lewis wrote on his book.

I love his book!  He was so authentic and EXPERIENCED this so understands it.  Some know OF grief, he KNEW it, just as we do.

[Gail 8588]

@William M. For the purpose of analysis, as I too spend too much time trying to make sense of things, I'll add my experience.

I was married for 38 years and we had 2 fine boys that are now fine men. Our younger son is a clone of his dad. Both, father and son, were/are 6' 5", heavy build, thick hair, gifted musicians.  I often mistook my son's voice on the phone (before cell phones showed you the caller) for my husband's voice and would be happily chatting to my sweetie until he interrupted and said "Mom, I'm not dad."

I say all this because my life with John has never felt like a dream to me. It still feels completely real, 5 years later.  I think it may be because I live in the same town as our younger son.  I interact with my son several times every week. I talk or text with him nearly every day.  He looks so much like his dad, sounds like his dad, plays his dad's music, sings his songs. 

So for me there is no fading of memories, no hazy dream like quality. It's all very real and still present.

In my early grief, it was almost too much to bear to be near my younger son. I would cry just looking at him or hearing his voice. If he gave me a hug, I would just lose it sometimes, as it felt so much like my husband's embrace.  

But now it is just a joy. I love seeing him be a father to his 2 sons.  I talk to my husband all the time about him.  After I have had an evening with my son's family, as I'm driving home I'll talk out loud to my hubby.  "Did you see him reading Brown Bear, Brown Bear to the boys, shaking his head like the Big Growly Bear. Just like you did 35 years ago."  My hubby is right there in the car with me, we are both so proud.

Anyway, I thought I'd share my experience of no fading/dream quality and my analysis of why.  

Gail

 

[KayC]

Our time together doesn't seem hazy either, but it's been so long ago it feels far removed from my life now; however, it made an indelible mark on my life and changed me completely, having known him like I did.  I will always hold his love in my heart and I know he loves me today just as he did when he was alive, I think I love him even more if possible for realizing the rarity of what we shared.

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I love him even more if possible

OMG Kay....i love him more than ever! Hope they feel all our love😔

[Sparky1]

5 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

.i love him more than ever!

I say the same about my wife. I feel that my love for her has continuously grown. In a way it makes me think back to our life together and wonder why I didn't love her more than, although I've loved her from the first minute I met her. 

 

 

[foreverhis]

On 5/5/2022 at 8:53 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Anyway, I thought I'd share my experience of no fading/dream quality and my analysis of why.  

Gail, I think it's wonderful.  I can see why it would have been so painful at first.  But having a son, a living reminder of your John, is so precious.

Now that I've been able to think of our life together with joy and love, I feel my John is closer to me than he was at times.  Maybe it was my mind and heart protecting me from the constant, heavy pain of missing him.

[KayC]

I think I did recognize how much I loved him when he was alive and we continually showed it, lived it, but since that time, I've realized just how extremely rare it was!  I've lived without him 17 years next month.  That has only illuminated the rarity.

[Jen H]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I think I did recognize how much I loved him when he was alive and we continually showed it, lived it, but since that time, I've realized just how extremely rare it was!  I've lived without him 17 years next month.  That has only illuminated the rarity.

Having that rare special love and bond should be appreciated but at the same time that's why it hurts so deeply to have it taken away.