How Do I Stop Being Pissed Off He Left Me

[Kiwinusa]

My husband passed February 18 2022 our 22nd anniversary, so just over 2 months now. He went for a lil nap in bed and I went to wake him for lunch and he had passed. Everything felt like auto pilot since then. The kids have been great, but I just can’t stop being angry that he left me. It’s what makes me cry the most everyday. Dammit, we have the home we wanted to just live and love in and he up and friggen left me. Has anyone else felt this way? Just wanna kick his ass? I miss him and I wanna scream at him and I want him to hold me. My hearts broken, my head hurts and I can’t see past today right now, which what every day has felt like since he passed. Please tell me the pain eases.

[Tim8505]

Yes I have.  It's natural to feel angry at your partner for leaving, no matter the circumstances of his departure. I felt the same when my girlfriend died. You will most likely never stop missing your partner, but the pain does lessen in degree, but it's going to take time.  Everyone goes through grief differently though so don't put any pressure on yourself to feel better when you aren't ready. Stay strong during this time and be good to yourself.

[tnd]

3 hours ago, Kiwinusa said:

Dammit, we have the home we wanted to just live and love in and he up and friggen left me. Has anyone else felt this way? Just wanna kick his ass? I

I wrote about my anger in a similar thread titled "Are You Angry With Your Beloved" Sept 9th 2021. I'm not as angry now but still have moments. Of course I don't blame my husband for dying but I still get mad that he's not here and I am having to deal with so much. I know this won't sound right, but I feel like telling him that while he went off into eternal peace, I'm stuck here dealing with one problem after another. It's truly maddening what us survivors suffer through. All I want is him and that's not possible. Seems my whole life has been a waiting game and on-top of everything else I waited for,  now I've got to wait to be rejoined with him. So yes, it is angering but it does start to let up. What I would do for now is to let that anger out so the healing can begin. If you need to, keep posting about it because I assure you that your not alone with these emotions. 

[Kiwinusa]

Thank you both, it really does help to just lay it out there as I didn’t want to lay it on our kids. It’s true a burden shared … 🥰😘❤️

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Kiwinusa said:

My husband passed February 18 2022 our 22nd anniversary

I am truly sorry you lost your husband.  I'm sure you know with your head that he didn't necessarily want to leave you, but rather it's something that happened to him...but knowing that with our head doesn't necessarily do anything to help our FEELINGS.  We feel what we feel, it needn't make any sense whatsoever, it just is.  Feelings are there for us to contend with, by my way of looking at it.  Some people let their feelings guide them at times, maybe there's a place for listening to our intuition, if you will, but a lot of the time feelings just "are" and we deal with them.  Sometimes feelings add substance, like when we "feel love" or "feel peace" but other times feelings are something more difficult to deal with.  Recognizing that has helped me.

Anger is common and understandable in early grief.  We're angry at the change, the circumstance we're thrust into, yet sometimes it's directed to a person, like our deceased.
Anger One of the Stages of Grief?
Anger at God

This is usually temporary, if not, I would get some help from a grief specialist with it, but I think it'll run its course.  You are still very early into this.  And I commend you for not using your kids as a sounding board esp. when it comes to feeling anger at their dad.

This is a safe place to come to, to vent, scream, share, whatever.  We've been the gamut, we understand...and yes, we even care.  This is a pretty tight knit group...we bare our souls to each other daily, we come to know each other, we tell each other things we don't share with our family even!  Now you're part of us, we want to welcome you...but that also comes with wishing you had no cause to be here.

This is a process...it has a beginning but no ending; it DOES, however, evolve throughout our grief journey, little by little, sometimes so gradual as to seem imperceptible, but a few years from now you'll look back to day one and see the shock and horror of that day, and you will see how far you've come.  It's in the everydayness that it sometimes seems so hard.  Eating out alone for the first time.  Getting groceries on your own.  Cooking his favorite meal without feeling overly triggered.  All this comes in tiny increments.  In the beginning it's hard to just eat/drink something, get out of bed, do what you must, pay the bills.  Don't expect too much from yourself.  When you are ready you can push past the comfort zone a bit, you alone will know when you're ready for what.  This is a unique journey for all of us.  There is no one-size-fits-all in this.  We're individuals with unique love relationships and hence grief journeys are also unique..  There are some commonalities we have had though, enough to relate to each other and form that commond bond of understanding.  We've been there.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Kay2021]

@Kiwinusa I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, I too feel very angry with my husband for leaving me. I yell and scream at him when nobody's around, particularly in the car. I wish I could tell him off big time in person. 

[Kiwinusa]

Right, it’s a contradictory feeling cause I know he had no choice n yet who else can I blame for this empty, pissed off, lonely, bullshit feelings I have? Ughhhhh it sucks.

[KayC]

I don't know, life, some people blame God for a while, you're not alone in how you're feeling, many of us have felt that, if not anger per sae, jealousy of other couples who still get to keep their mate!

[HisPumpkin]

I’ve had moments of anger. I’ve screamed at him “you promised me you’d never leave me, you promised me we would get through all this and have our happily ever after”. 

I know he didn’t choose to. I know what he wanted. I’m really angry at the universe for giving him to me, this beautiful gift that I’d been looking for my whole life, then snatching him away so fast, so suddenly, before we barely had a chance. I’m angry that my future has been stolen from me when for the first time in my life I could actually see a happy future. Everything was coming together. So many plans. Then just gone, in an instant. 

Overriding it is the sadness. I’m sure I’ll have a lot of ups and downs. My emotions are all over the place. But people keep telling me “it’s normal”. 

Then I’m angry that this is my new “normal”. We don’t have any control over what’s happened, what happened to our loved ones, nor the fallout of how that’s hit us, and who wouldn’t be angry. 

It’s exhausting. 

[Kiwinusa]

Dang I’m not alone in how I’m feeling. Sadly it’s a bugger of a group to be a part of.  We lost a young child over 20 years ago and I remember the heart ache and pain. But this, losing my mate, is on a whole other level and has totally f##ked me up.   
Got to say I didn’t know what I would get out of a grieving forum, but I am so glad I decided to take a gander. From being able to express how I feel in at times less than eloquent vocabulary, but to also know I’m not losing the plot, and validating it’s all part of the process and it’s not just me! Thank you, thank you, thanks to you all 😘

[tnd]

15 minutes ago, Kiwinusa said:

Dang I’m not alone in how I’m feeling.

Coming to this site is how I found out that everything I am feeling is basically normal for a not-so-normal time. Glad you found your way here, too. 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Kiwinusa said:

Got to say I didn’t know what I would get out of a grieving forum, but I am so glad I decided to take a gander. From being able to express how I feel in at times less than eloquent vocabulary, but to also know I’m not losing the plot, and validating it’s all part of the process and it’s not just me! Thank you, thank you, thanks to you all 😘

I'm glad you found your way here...it's doing for you what it did for me.

 

[KMkm]

I have screamed a lot since my wife passed.  The anger is there but only comes out when I have to deal with certain things.  I mostly just cry and try to fight off the urge to give up.  My two young kids keep me here and nothing else.  I hope the anger subsides for you but if you can just let it put somehow cause it's like therapy.  Emotions need to be expressed and I found that out the hard way.  Breakdown and scream, cry and do whatever you want cause it's ok to be not ok.  Stay strong my friend.

[DWS]

On 4/29/2022 at 12:44 AM, Kiwinusa said:

 But this, losing my mate, is on a whole other level and has totally f##ked me up.   

Thank you for saying that so eloquently because that's exactly my feelings on this too. 

[Suea]

My husband died 3/19/2022. I am angry at the disease for dragging both of us to hell and literally  ripping him from my arms. I jumped threw every hoop to try to extend his life and poof gone one week before our wedding anniversary. I am so messed up now without him.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Suea said:

My husband died 3/19/2022. I am angry at the disease for dragging both of us to hell and literally  ripping him from my arms. I jumped threw every hoop to try to extend his life and poof gone one week before our wedding anniversary. I am so messed up now without him.

We understand, early grief can carry that anger...

Anger at God
Anger One of the Stages of Grief?
Anger & Jealousy in Grief