Music and Memories

[HisPumpkin]

I know a lot of us have mentioned a shared love of music with our soulmates. Special moments, and songs that now evoke even more, now they are no longer physically with us. Music is therapeutic to me - with it, I both break and heal. Feel free to share your own journey through music, if you wish. 

Todays song, one of many I shared with D, is called Punches. 

When I was struggling with my hormones, my hair falling out, and D with a broken arm and the illness during convalescing, I shared this with him. We pulled each other through.

Now it takes a different meaning. He’s gone and it’s so very hard to process, but I’m trying the best I can: for him. The time I had him was a blessing even now as I break down at the pain of losing him. I’d take this pain a million times over for the gift of knowing him, loving him and being loved by him. But still, it is so very hard to bare. 

“Honey, feels like my world's burnt out
I'm trying to put it out
I'm trying but don't know how
Honey, I'm drowning in all my doubt
I'm trying to start again
I've tried but I'm struggling

Ooh, after all this time, got nothing to lose
Ooh, after all this time, see nothing but you

You might say, I'm wasted on you
But when you break, I break for you too
Love can beat us black and blue
But darling, I'll take the punches for you
Punches for you
Punches for you
Love can beat us black and blue
But darling, I'll take the punches for you

Darling, our good intentions
Keep running in circles
I'm fading out like a ghost
Oh darling, you're making the same mistakes
I'm trying to start again
I tried but I'm struggling

Ooh, after all this time, got nothing to lose
Ooh, after all this time, see nothing but you

You might say, I'm wasted on you
But when you break, I break for you too
Love can beat us black and blue
But darling, I'll take the punches for you
Punches for you
Punches for you
Love can beat us black and blue
But darling, I'll take the punches for you

Darling
Darling (darling)
Darling (darling, darling, darling)
Darling

Like a map faded in time
Like an old forgotten tomb
I know love has been unkind
For the two of us

You might say, that I've been fooled
But when you break, I'm breaking too
Love can beat us black and blue
But darling, I'll take the punches for you
Punches for you
Punches for you
Punches for you
Punches for you (punches for, punches for)
Punches for you
Punches for you
Punches for you”

 

 

[HisPumpkin]

Today has been a struggle, and I only ever seem to find any peace as night falls. I crawl into bed and wrap myself up in memories of D, and let myself cry. I remember all the nights we were apart, how he’d call me after work and sing me to sleep. Always with a promise to be there in the morning. I can’t sleep anymore but I lie there in the dark and remember him holding me. I feel closer to him in the dark. The world is quiet and everyone is sleeping, and I can immerse myself in my grief, and my memories. I know I’m isolating a lot, but I just want him back so much that it’s easier, in a way, to drift into memories and try to pretend he isn’t gone. I exist in that space between reality and dreams. Mornings hurt. Motion hurts. But in my little bubble, for a little while, I can have him back, even if it’s only in my mind. 

Close the door
And leave the world behind you
Open a window
Listen to the breeze flow through the pines
Take a deep breath
What more can you do...

Let the sun fall down
All around you
And let the night surround you
In a blanket of starlight
I'll whisper you a lullaby
Let the sun fall down...

That old dark cloud
Acts like he knows you
Takes up to much time,
Time you could be spending holding me
And he can't have you now
It's you and me here in this room
Ohh Ohh...

Let the sun fall down
All around you
And let the night surround you
In a blanket of starlight
I'll whisper you a lullaby
Let the sun fall down...

The world will keep on turning
It'll all be there come morning
So tonight...

Let the sun fall down
All around you
And let the night surround you
In a blanket of starlight
I'll whisper you a lullaby
Let the sun fall down...

Ohh Ohh...

Let the sun fall down
All around you
And let the night surround you
In a blanket of starlight
I'll whisper you a lullaby
Let the sun fall down...

[Dragonfly999]

Music was really important to us. We had so many songs that were ours. I was always a hopeless romantic and it filled my heart to finally have someone to feel that way about. We had shared musical taste when we got together but we also shared and loved things the other liked independently. Ive struggled to listen to music because it will make me burst out crying.

Theres a song I keep hearing when I’m having a hard time. I assume it’s a newer popular song due to the prevalence and even hearing it in France but I can never catch enough of the lyrics to figure it out. The morning when I called the surgeon from the hotel room to check on how his last surgery went and if we could visit yet (in France they don’t allow you to just stay at the hospital overnight) and he told me he was going to die soon, I ran downstairs sobbing to the lobby to get a taxi and even though it was 5 am this song was blaring so loud in the lobby it’s burned into my memory. 

His all time favorite song was In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins. After I got my memorial tattoo I had to get gas and that was playing in the gas station. Maybe it means he approved of it.

We have a friend who is a local musician, this is our song from him. I can’t bring myself to listen to it yet. We went to a winery event where he played and my husband had him dedicate the song to us and play it just for us.

 

[foreverhis]

Music is incredibly powerful.  Here's the link to Trisha Yearwood's recording of "I Would've Loved You Anyway" by Mary Danna and Troy Verges that I mentioned in another thread.  I always thought it seemed true, years before I lost John and knew it for sure.

This is her version of a Tom Douglas and Harlan Howard song from the same album.  The first time I heard it, I imagined a day far in the future where that might be me or John.  That future came much too soon. I felt this way for a pretty long time. I still take each day at a time and only look into the very near future (couldn't even do that at first), but coming up on 4 years, I am now able to carry my grief as part of me, rather than having it crush me under its weight.  My love and my grief will be with me always as I journey into whatever the future holds.

 

[HisPumpkin]

On the night D passed away, I vaguely remember sitting in a numb daze, listening to this song. It still breaks me when I listen to it now. This is so indicative of how I feel, seven and a half weeks in, how I’ve felt since that day. Lost. I seem to wander around still like I’m the ghost. In two days I’m supposed to be on a plane to go visit him: instead, I remember saying goodbye to him when he left to go home end of January. How tight we held each other, whispered words of love with our promise to hold on tight til our next adventure. 

It is beyond any pain I ever could have imagined knowing even if I got on that plane he’d not be there to meet me. I don’t believe in hell, other than that it exists here on earth. Hell is waking up every day to a reality none of us asked for. 😢

 

 

[Dragonfly999]

We loved Japanese music, this was he and I’s favorite band. This is exactly how I’m feeling now. Agree @HisPumpkin, every day feels like I’m in hell. 

I move along
Something's wrong
I guess a part of me is gone

Skies are grey
Start to fade
I guess I threw it all away

Sometimes I just wanna quit
Tell my life I'm done with it
When it feels too painful
Sometimes I just wanna say
I love myself but not today
When it feels too painful
I smash my broken heart of gold
I smash my broken heart of gold

Tired soul
Dying hope
I guess I'm running out of road

I guess I've got nowhere

Sometimes I just wanna quit
Tell my life I'm done with it
When it feels too painful
Sometimes I just wanna say
I love myself but not today
When it feels too painful
I smash my broken heart of gold
I smash my broken heart of gold
I smash my broken heart of gold

Feels like I'm dying
Feels like I'm lying to myself
I know that I'm trying
But it feels like I'm in hell, I'm in hell

Sometimes I just wanna quit
Tell my life I'm done with it
When it feels too painful
Sometimes I just wanna say
I love myself but not today
When it feels too painful
I smash my broken heart of gold
I smash my broken heart of gold
I smash my broken heart of gold

 

 

 

[DWS]

I avoided this topic when HisPumpkin first posted it. Like others here, music has been a central part of my life. From a young age, I enjoyed sharing music with anyone who found it enjoyable and this passion led me to becoming a DJ on weekends first playing weddings and banquets and then getting full-time positions in dance clubs over the course of thirty years. The sound of music always filled the air inside my small home and backyard but all of those tunes have remained silent since my partner's passing. 

I have a love for finding unfamiliar songs as well as updated and remixed versions of familiar older tunes. My playlists consist of all of that plus nostalgia, soft jazz, easy listening and loungey sounds that are good for patio sitting, conversations and cocktails. This was the musical background over these last four years with Tom. He enjoyed this wide array of music even though I knew that much of it just was a continual blend of songs and artists he wasn't familiar with...but there would occasionally be a song that would stand out to him and he would ask about it.

One of those was a cover version of the song "Never Enough" from the Greatest Showman movie by Karl Loxley. The original is gorgeous however Loxley's version holds so many memories of my time with Tom. Any time this started to play, I had to turn it up a bit louder. I hadn't listened to it again until yesterday and the grief overwhelmed me to a point that scared me. Maybe it was a good thing to meet this head on because of how important music is to me. I don't want to give it up despite how hurtful it is to listen. 

 

[HisPumpkin]

@DWS I love that song and that cover. I understand the avoidance, because sometimes it doesn’t hit so much in waves as overwhelming tsunamis. 

I went to watch the rehearsal for the local LGBTQI choir today that I will hopefully join in June after their spring concert, and I was fairly terrified because whilst music and singing has always brought me great joy, like you, it can trigger the hugest breakdowns. I’ve always said I had a song for every occasion, every memory, every thought and feeling ever experienced in my life, and they have the power to bring back in total recall moments in time, which is both a blessing and a curse. 

A few people at rehearsal were aware of my circumstances (it’s why they let me join immediately without going on the waiting list), and one of the women just sat beside me, and very gently rubbed my back as she asked me questions about D. She didn’t hide from my grief and she told me, hey, you cry if you need to. 

So I sat and watched and listened, and cried a little, but the space was welcoming, and safe, and non-judgemental. They sang songs that were silly, songs that were fun, but also songs that were powerful - about Stonewall, and all the fights and the losses that paved the way for the level of equality we have attained today, though with still a ways to go, and I thought about D’s contribution to that cycle, how he always stood up for everyone’s rights, and how he fought to live his life on his own terms, and how in his way he, being 17 years older and AFAB, experienced many struggles with discrimination throughout his life on his journey to becoming the man I knew and fell in love with. I came home and cried a lot, for all the hardships he had faced and for the fact that when he was finally at a stage in his life where he had found the one who accepted and loved him for who he was, his thread was cut short, but then I remembered that he would tell me - at least he experienced that love and acceptance, which is all he’d ever really wanted. I thought about what music meant to us, all the songs we’d sing, all the slow dances, all the meaning we found in sharing our favourites with each other. And whilst the grief overwhelms, there is also a sense of continuing bonds through the music we loved, and the special moments. It’s hard, because it’s a double edged sword of joy and pain. I expect it always will be, because the price of deep love is deep grief in loss. 

So I think in some ways, I welcome the release that comes with the intensity of letting the music flow through me, and letting the tears fall. It hurts, viscerally, but it only hurts because of the depth of the love. Having experienced that love, that was the hugest of gifts, for both of us. 

I find that, the more I expose myself to triggering music, the more the balance eventually shifts where joy and gratitude outweigh devastating sadness. The sadness is still there, but I can open my mouth and sing without choking on the words. The tears still come, but that’s ok. Sending you hugs. 
 

[DWS]

21 minutes ago, HisPumpkin said:

one of the women just sat beside me, and very gently rubbed my back as she asked me questions about D. She didn’t hide from my grief and she told me, hey, you cry if you need to. 

That is wonderful to hear. I think sometimes that's really all that we need during this time. 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

I have a love for finding unfamiliar songs as well as updated and remixed versions of familiar older tunes. My playlists consist of all of that plus nostalgia, soft jazz, easy listening and loungey sounds that are good for patio sitting, conversations and cocktails. This was the musical background over these last four years with Tom. He enjoyed this wide array of music even though I knew that much of it just was a continual blend of songs and artists he wasn't familiar with...but there would occasionally be a song that would stand out to him and he would ask about it.

Here's a little story that might make you smile a teeny bit.

Years ago, back before music downloads became an option, I was browsing around in one of our local music stores.  I had $X in my "mad money" to spend.  A modest amount, but enough to buy a few new CDs.  So I collected all the ones I was considering and took them up to one of the counters to winnow down to what I could get that day.  One of the employees came up to say hello and see if I needed help.  He looked over at the wide array of options I had spread out and said, "You must be a musician."  Well, it's not as if I have it tattooed on my forehead, so I said that yes, I am, and asked how he could tell.  He said, "It's always musicians who bring up wildly eclectic options like this."  I chuckled and then chose four CDs (two were on sale that day; yay).

Music is an indelible part of my world, my life, and John's as well.  It's so upsetting when the thing that has given you the most comfort and grace in your life turns to something that brings pain.  I have slowly started "testing" myself with certain pieces of music, songs, and shows to see if I'm ready to hear them again.  In some cases, yes, but in others, I wonder if I'll ever be able to listen to them again.  Even so, I sometimes will play music that I know will bring the tears and make my shattered heart hurt more because it is also a catharsis.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

One of those was a cover version of the song "Never Enough" from the Greatest Showman movie by Karl Loxley

I haven't heard the original, but what a pleasure with this version to listen to an actual trained vocalist.  I know I will sound like a horrible snob (and maybe I am), but there are so many "pop singers" out there who have no training and, IMO, very little talent that it's terribly frustrating.  They're lauded as so wonderful and I simply cannot understand why.  I mean, my voice was never and certainly will never be professional level, but at least it's trained and I had the discipline to actually be a musician.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, HisPumpkin said:

So I think in some ways, I welcome the release that comes with the intensity of letting the music flow through me, and letting the tears fall. It hurts, viscerally, but it only hurts because of the depth of the love. Having experienced that love, that was the hugest of gifts, for both of us. 

That's simply lovely and I know exactly what you mean by it.  I rarely say, "I know how you feel" because none of us truly knows how another person feels, but I know the feelings you describe so well.

[DWS]

52 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Years ago, back before music downloads became an option, I was browsing around in one of our local music stores.  I had $X in my "mad money" to spend.  A modest amount, but enough to buy a few new CDs.  So I collected all the ones I was considering and took them up to one of the counters to winnow down to what I could get that day.  One of the employees came up to say hello and see if I needed help.  He looked over at the wide array of options I had spread out and said, "You must be a musician."  Well, it's not as if I have it tattooed on my forehead, so I said that yes, I am, and asked how he could tell.  He said, "It's always musicians who bring up wildly eclectic options like this."  I chuckled and then chose four CDs (two were on sale that day; yay).

We reminisced about this a few times on a music website that I used to frequent...the amount of pleasurable hours that we all used to spend browsing in local music stores. From my teens in the '70s til around the early 2000s, I'd be in the stores twice a week. Eventually I was able to discover and source a wider array of music online  from all over the world but I greatly missed the atmosphere and excitement of flipping through vinyl albums...also having to put some back because I was over my budget! The clearance racks were my favourite because there was where I could choose an unfamiliar artist that looked interesting and be cheap about it. Sometimes it was a gamble but one of those artists was Emmylou Harris which paid off big time. I was only seventeen at the time and she wasn't well known back then. 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

Sometimes it was a gamble but one of those artists was Emmylou Harris which paid off big time.

My dad absolutely loved her.  He would listen over and over.  It was always great to discover an artist and then share.

[KayC]

We had many songs (the year we fell in love was a good time for songs...) but if I had to say, this was our number one...I haven't listened to it in years, it's too hard to think back...but it takes me back to that place and time...in his arms.

 

[DWS]

A song that keeps entering my poor head all through this awful time is Stephen Sondheim's "Losing My Mind". It's a song that I was drawn to many years ago when I was going through a terrible breakup. The first few lines certainly describe everything that we continually go through...

The sun comes up, I think about you.
The coffee cup, I think about you.
I want you so, it's like I'm losing my mind.
The morning ends, I think about you.
I talk to friends, and think about you,
And do they know, it's like I'm losing my mind.

 

All afternoon, doing every little chore
The thought of you stays bright.
Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor
Not going left, not going right.

[foreverhis]

@DWS  Though Follies is not a favorite musical, I love "Losing My Mind" (and a few others).  Truth be told, Sondheim is not my favorite composer, but there are songs of his that I do love and Company is a musical I like quite a bit.  Obviously, Bernadette Peter's performance in the 2011 revival is wonderful, but I actually prefer Marin Mazzie's from Sondheim's birthday concert.  (ETA:  I just scanned over the women singing at the concert.  I had forgotten what a "Who's Who" of wonderful Broadway performers were there that night.)

 

But speaking of Bernadette Peters, there's a ballad from Mack & Mabel that could certainly be said to express what almost all of us feel.

I haven't thought of these songs in a long time.  They certainly are powerful.

[DWS]

@foreverhisI wasn't familiar with Marin Mazzie so thanks for including that. Cleo Laine does a beautiful job with "Losing My Mind"...and I've always been a fan of the vibrant Bernadette Peters starting from the days when she was a guest on the Carol Burnett Show. Her version of "No One Is Alone" (another Sondheim tune...sorry!) is certainly relevant for us grievers. 

The most meaningful song for me right now is Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now"...particularly her 2000 re-recording of it which is so beautifully poignant and reflective. I love throwing an eclectic mix of songs together into playlists to create a certain vibe and one of them had "Both Sides Now". The songs play randomly but it's like they magically align to create the perfect background. I can vividly recall that late Saturday morning when the song played. It was early in our blossoming relationship. Tom was on his laptop at my dining table. I was nearby doing some stretches in the room where my stereo is. He had never heard the re-recording of it before and I could tell he was quite moved by it. He stood by the door where I was. We paused what we were doing and just listened. It was at that moment that I knew this guy was a keeper!

He was 64 and I was 56 when we met. He'd gone through two marriages both ending in rocky divorces before figuring out which side of the fence he wanted to be on. I had experienced three important longtime relationships...each of them lasting about four years with many years of being single in between. There were so many similarities between the two of us...one of them being our low-key personalities. I think of our pairing as two befuddled, battle-scarred players in life who finally met and found refuge in each other....and I assumed that we still had many years ahead together to battle whatever else life had in store. 

 

[foreverhis]

On 5/25/2022 at 7:56 AM, DWS said:

Cleo Laine does a beautiful job with "Losing My Mind"...and I've always been a fan of the vibrant Bernadette Peters starting from the days when she was a guest on the Carol Burnett Show. Her version of "No One Is Alone" (another Sondheim tune...sorry!) is certainly relevant for us grievers. 

I agree about Cleo Laine and, of course, love Bernadette Peters doing just about anything.  For some reason, Marin Mazzie's almost quiet, partly gentle version really gets to me, even more than the others

No need to apologize for it being Sondheim.  I don't dislike all his music; I like some and there are songs of his I absolutely love.  I've performed a number of them in various reviews and had a blast doing them; in particular, "The Little Things You Do Together," "Broadway Baby," "You Could Drive a Person Crazy," "Can That Boy Foxtrot," and "Comedy Tonight" were favorites.  I've always admired his clever way with lyrics.  I would have loved to have performed "Getting Married Today."  It's even harder than G&S patter songs!  Speaking of Company, did you see the live version with Neil Patrick Harris about 10 years ago?  I thought it was fabulous and Katie Finneran knocked it out of the park.  What I'd love to get my hands on is the 2007 Great Performances version with Raúl Esparza as Bobby.  And who doesn't love at least some of A Little Night Music?  Yet, theater heretic that I am, there's quite a bit I don't care for too.  Don't get me started on Into the Woods.  The first time I heard it, pre-audtions for one of our local groups, all I could think after a while was, "Just go into the damn woods already!"  But I do like Bernadette Peter's version of "No One Is Alone" from her concert years ago.  OTOH, I could fill that in with "I like Bernadette Peter's version of whatever-song-you-name."  Have you seen Sondheim on Sondheim or Six by Sondheim?  They're excellent.  Just because I don't like a significant number of his songs doesn't mean I don't appreciate the talent that went into them.

But back to the actual topic...One song that haunted me for a while was "You and Me Against the World."  It was an ear worm for 6 weeks straight, along with "One Hand, One Heart" because we love the show and have done it, it's a low brass player's dream (John played trombone and was a musical director and conductor by avocation), we met in the theater, and we made the sentiment "even death won't part us now" our own private vow.  Dang, there is so much music in my head that I sometimes wonder how there is room for anything else.

[DWS]

On 5/25/2022 at 8:12 PM, foreverhis said:

But back to the actual topic...One song that haunted me for a while was "You and Me Against the World."  

Oof....despite Helen Reddy making it a love song to a child, I've always carried the words in my head as two people in love facing the highs and lows of the world together. You and me against the world is definitely the anthem of love and companionship. 

One of the most meaningful and certainly most beautiful of songs that I happened upon in the '90s is Shirley Horn's "Here's To Life". It's been a musical staple in my home over all of these years but it's a difficult one to listen to right now for me as it's a poignant song devoted to the celebration of life itself. I'm currently lost and defeated so whether I'll be able to one day lift a glass defiantly and say "here's to life" with true sincerity again is still to be determined. One thing is for certain, Shirley Horn was a truly talented, one-of-a-kind artist.

 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, DWS said:

Oof....despite Helen Reddy making it a love song to a child, I've always carried the words in my head as two people in love facing the highs and lows of the world together. You and me against the world is definitely the anthem of love and companionship. 

Exactly! I have heard the most common version where she’s actually singing it to her daughter. I believe later that she and her daughter performed it together.

For me too it has always symbolized two soulmates combined into one love and knowing that one day one of them would be gone. It became especially meaningful after John almost died in his bicycling accident and was left with permanent injuries. A few years later, my auto-immune symptoms started to show up so that a couple of years after that, we had to change our lives into a “smaller” way of living.

We lost friends and some family members really didn’t get it. The ones we kept have been stalwart to this day, but more often than not, it was John and me and our girls (daughter and my much younger baby sister who is closer in age to our daughter than she is to me). When they were grown, it was the two of us just fighting to keep living a decent life. We preferred to spend time with each other over anyone else.

That song came into my mind a few days after he died and it just wouldn’t leave!

[HDee]

I've had such a hard time with music.  I just can't listen to it.  Even in church...I always wear sunglasses. Music makes me cry.  So many favorite songs on my iPod, a large collection of Christmas music...just can't do it...we all loved Christmas so much.

[widower2]

On 5/23/2022 at 11:10 PM, foreverhis said:

Music is an indelible part of my world, my life, and John's as well.  It's so upsetting when the thing that has given you the most comfort and grace in your life turns to something that brings pain.  

Great thread with great links and thoughts, but this one summed it up and hit home the most for me. 

Over time though, music even after this loss has been much more of a plus for me than a minus. Yes there were/are songs that are painful for whatever reason, sometimes because it's one she/we really liked, it reminds me of something, or sometimes it's just the words and/or music itself, but - I don't know, maybe I'm a masochist - sometimes I want that. Maybe it's a way of just letting go and acknowledging that it's OK to feel the pain and maybe even a good idea to accept it, i.e. face it so that I can plow through it vs trying to repress something which I know will only remain suppressed for so long. 

A few that have resonated with me offhand - again it may be the lyrics, or the music, of a mix of both (warning, none are exactly cheery )  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQQE-R22UtU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6QlBwyhbzk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLs_hB9YkCA

 

No one song has really "nailed it" for me completely though, which is why I ended up trying to just write some myself to do just that -

 

[Dragonfly999]

My mood tonight 

Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal, it's so unfair

 

And it feels, and it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels, yeah, it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away

 

Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
Black roses and Hail Mary
Can't bring back what's taken from me

 

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would

 

And it feels, and it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings, yeah, it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away

 

 

[foreverhis]

On 5/30/2022 at 12:54 PM, HDee said:

I've had such a hard time with music.  I just can't listen to it

I understand.  Almost all music was really hard for me for about the first year.  Songs would come into my head unbidden and drive me nuts as ear worms.  There were times I kind of welcomed the pain because I tend to be fairly stoic in public (except at the hospital and out of John's earshot as much as possible) and always have been. I think it's a holdover from the "I'll give you something to cry about, young lady..." type of parental discipline.  So if a song played on the radio and it set me off, I just let the waves wash over me and even knock me down.  Sometimes that kind of catharsis allowed me to breathe again and maybe clear my mind a little bit.

Because of our life-long avocation in the arts and music, and because we were both raised in musical households, there are countless pieces of music of all kinds that are still too hard for me and maybe always will be.  I have started "testing" myself with certain things to see if I can hear them without completely losing it.  Sometimes yes and sometimes no.

One of the hardest ones was an unintentional time with our daughter.  About 2 weeks after her dad died, we were talking and she mentioned that there was a special production of West Side Story or maybe a documentary (can't remember) that was going to be on.  It's a favorite musical and normally would have been good, but I could barely handle hearing the name, much less any of the music.  I told her that I couldn't watch it, that it would be too painful.  I reminded her  that the "West Side Story Dance Suite" was the first thing I pulled up to play for her dad on his last day.  Of course she understood.  I knew she had hoped to find something that might be a distraction and that she meant well.  She took what I said to heart and for a long time didn't bring up any music she knew might be too painful.

I didn't play CDs, didn't stream music, and barely turned on the car radio much for several months because I knew that I would lose it over and over and over.  But time did help.  Just last year, I had music streaming and the dance suite came on.  In the past, I would have raced to grab the remote and skip over it.  I don't know why, but that day I decided to let it play.  It made my heart hurt and I cried, but for the first time since I lost John, I was able to see him playing it, the joy on his face while he was immersed in the beauty of it, the deep emotional connection we shared, and not just the devastating, painful memories and images of his last day.  It felt good that day.

[foreverhis]

48 minutes ago, widower2 said:

A few that have resonated with me offhand

The John Denver song that really gets me is "My Sweet Lady."

[tnd]

On 5/25/2022 at 9:56 AM, DWS said:

The most meaningful song for me right now is Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now"...particularly her 2000 re-recording of it which is so beautifully poignant and reflective.

I was listening to this song just the other day. I wasn't aware of her latest recording of it, thanks for posting it.  

My mother played the piano and "Both Sides Now" was one of our favorites. It's cheery and it flows the whole way through, which is how my mother played it. And then of course, as I've gotten older and have weathered many a storm, I relate to this song a little differently now. It's no longer just a cheery song that brings back good memories but it's factual or relevant with my life today. I don't know if this is why I've been listening a lot to 2Cellos lately but, I find myself craving some really outrageous music and also, for some unexplainable reason, paying more attention to drummers in videos. A lot of high energy stuff. Maybe it's because I just want to get out of this place and get on with my life. I've never played drums, except when I was young and a drummer friend whose band I sometimes sang for taught me a short solo. I guess I yearn to break from these walls with some killer drumming. Anyways, high energy stuff seems to actually calm me more these days than anything else. 

 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

We lost friends and some family members really didn’t get it.

I am so sorry you lost people during a calamity, it seems that's how it is, injuries and grief you really find out who gets it and who is there for you.  My family cared but didn't always get what they hadn't been through, I find that's true for most of us.  Friends...well I found out who was true, who wasn't.

18 hours ago, HDee said:

I've had such a hard time with music.  I just can't listen to it.  Even in church...I always wear sunglasses. Music makes me cry.  So many favorite songs on my iPod, a large collection of Christmas music...just can't do it...we all loved Christmas so much.

Oh I can relate!  I sing songs at church as I've always been on the Praise Team (leads worship) since a teenager!  But the love songs, George and I had many, they're STILL hard, even after all these years!  We listened to music a lot.

 

[widower2]

Here's an upbeat, life-affirming song I keep coming back to - I can esp relate to those opening lines: 

 

 

 

[foreverhis]

We had the pleasure of seeing Dan Fogelberg in concert a few times.  My favorite was at the Concord Pavilion.  A perfect late summer evening with our group of best friends (eight of us).  We all invited one or two other friends as well (all musicians or in the theater or in the arts one way or another).  We opted for lawn seating and brought picnics (including the then popular "margarita jello squares").  We couldn't have asked for a better concert or better friends to enjoy it with us. 

[DWS]

On 5/30/2022 at 11:35 PM, widower2 said:

No one song has really "nailed it" for me completely though, which is why I ended up trying to just write some myself to do just that -

Here's one that sorta nails it for me. I'm a huge Linda Ronstadt fan and this song has been in my collection since her album "Cry Like A Rainstorm" was released in '89...and of course, it's written by the great Jimmy Webb. He wrote this after John Lennon was murdered.

 

[widower2]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

We had the pleasure of seeing Dan Fogelberg in concert a few times.  My favorite was at the Concord Pavilion.  A perfect late summer evening with our group of best friends (eight of us).  We all invited one or two other friends as well (all musicians or in the theater or in the arts one way or another).  We opted for lawn seating and brought picnics (including the then popular "margarita jello squares").  We couldn't have asked for a better concert or better friends to enjoy it with us. 

So jealous, never had the pleasure, sounds great though!

[widower2]

12 hours ago, DWS said:

Here's one that sorta nails it for me. I'm a huge Linda Ronstadt fan 

I am too. Such a powerful voice and did so many great songs. 

[HisPumpkin]

Today is sad. Mostly 

My voice is escaping me, the musical theatre tunes I love so much: as a mezzo there are so many I love that always brought me joy (especially in ability to “hit the high notes).

Now even silly little things trigger me. Dustin and Suzie Poos duet or neberending story in Stranger Things had me in pieces because we always sang together. It’s driving me mad to have the one guaranteed solace (music) be a more minefield. 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

Stranger Things had me in pieces because we always sang together.

George loved music, had very eclectic taste, it was a big part of us, now it's hard for me to listen to them...it's a reminder of what I'm missing.  Him.

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, widower2 said:

So jealous, never had the pleasure, sounds great though!

It was.  He put on fabulous concerts and was very engaging with the audience.

On 6/3/2022 at 7:58 AM, DWS said:

. I'm a huge Linda Ronstadt fan

Ditto.  I recently finally got around to buying her "What's New" CD with the Nelson Riddle orchestra.  I'm a big fan of the standards, which suit my voice really well.  Her voice was always inspiring.  I was so sad when she announced her permanent retirement because of her medical condition.  I'm all too familiar with how auto-immune diseases can derail us from our lives.

[foreverhis]

This song isn't related to grief, but the original and the followup were favorites.  I was running errands after the farmers market this morning and the followup came on the radio.  I pulled into the parking lot and just sat there listening with tears running gently down.  I actually think the circle of life of it is uplifting, but because of John's love for it, hearing it still hurt.

Here's the original Loggins & Messina song.  A little funny in the lyric for me is "...how to loosen a jar from the nose of a bear" because one time Charlie Bear managed to get his muzzle stuck in an empty peanut butter jar.  Every time I hear that, I picture Charlie walking over to John like, "Um, dad, I need some help here" and John gently working it off his nose.

And here's what I listened to today.  This one makes me picture John tucking in our granddaughter when she was little.  Whenever we were together, it had to be her beloved grandpa who tucked her in--with her bear named "Gulliver" (for Gulliver's Travels).  She got him when she was about 18 months old. Her mom bought her her very first toddler rolling carry on for their travels down here.  It came with a sweet stuffed bear that she sleeps with to this day.  After John died, she wouldn't let Gulliver out of her sight, except when she was at school.

It's always amazing to me how music amplifies emotions.

[tnd]

13 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

Our home also has so many CD’s records and tapes - one of these days I will put some of them on from his collection. Most of the time it is just too hard to listen to.

Thank you for sharing your music. My husband liked a wide variety, too. We pretty much liked the same stuff but there are one or two songs or groups that one of us enjoyed but the other would have liked to hit "mute'. Well, you'd think I wouldn't have to think about hitting the mute button anymore but for some unexplainable reason, I feel as though I should listen to the songs he liked. Even the ones that made me cringe. Just wouldn't be the same if I didn't. Maybe I had no control over his leaving (passing) but I can control which music to listen to. 

[widower2]

On 6/4/2022 at 7:20 PM, foreverhis said:

I recently finally got around to buying her "What's New" CD with the Nelson Riddle orchestra.  I'm a big fan of the standards, which suit my voice really well.  Her voice was always inspiring. 

I bought that album (as in LP!) not long after it came out and I heard that song. I always liked her, but the Nelson Riddle stuff had me outright infatuated.  I like that she did them in a straightforward way and didn't try to "jazz it up" too much, which IMO is an increasingly common fault with singers. They think they're a better singer based on how much they warble their voice...instead they sound like air being let out of a balloon, ugh. 

[DWS]

On 6/4/2022 at 7:20 PM, foreverhis said:

I recently finally got around to buying her "What's New" CD with the Nelson Riddle orchestra.  I'm a big fan of the standards, which suit my voice really well.  Her voice was always inspiring.  I was so sad when she announced her permanent retirement because of her medical condition.  I'm all too familiar with how auto-immune diseases can derail us from our lives.

Ronstadt introduced me to the standards back when she released the three Nelson Riddle albums and being the sentimental sap that I am, that fit right into my passion for big orchestras, love songs and relaxing lounge tunes. The second (vinyl) album called Lush Life was a hoot...designed and die-cut to resemble a hat box so when you pulled the inner sleeve upwards, it was like opening the box. This standard from the third album in the series seems very appropriate...

 

And this beauty from Linda's "Living In The USA" album from 1978 is one that made me hesitate before hitting play...

 

[foreverhis]

On 6/5/2022 at 5:49 PM, widower2 said:

I like that she did them in a straightforward way and didn't try to "jazz it up" too much, which IMO is an increasingly common fault with singers. They think they're a better singer based on how much they warble their voice...instead they sound like air being let out of a balloon, ugh. 

OMG, yes 100%.  I find myself "yelling" at certain recordings stuff like, "Just sing the song as written!" or "It's not a dirge!" or conversely "Slow down.  Are you late for dinner?" or "Don't you know how to breathe?" and more.  Excessive vibrato just sounds like someone can't hold the note or has no breath control/support, both of which are often true.  One of John's biggest pet peeves was constant breathy vibrato.  He always said, "Vibrato should be the icing, not the cake."  He was known for being firm, but fair, with his musicians.  He wouldn't tolerate laziness in the orchestra or onstage.  Yet, he was never mean or rude.  He was very supportive and caring, always working with performers so that they would feel they had done their best. 

He had perfect pitch, while I have excellent relative pitch, so there were times I'd have to work extra hard.  His ear was so fine that he could tell A440 from A441 Hz, whereas I don't hear the difference if it's less than 3 Hz.  (I understand that A432 Hz is a standard now trending in the United States. Considering that various orchestras use anywhere from A435 to A451 Hz, you'd think that a universal standard would have been set long ago! But I digress...)

Along those lines, we made a pact when we married that I would never audition for a primary lead if he was music director and conductor.  We didn't want to have any of the "nepotism" resentment from others, but more important for us was that we didn't want to bring home any possible conflicts between director and performer.  The great thing was that I knew I was going to be cast in a small role (usually little more than glorified chorus), so I could let loose at auditions, which I always hated/dreaded.  One season I knew I was only going to audition for his shows, so I used "Dance 10, Looks 3" from A Chorus Line as my audition piece.  Kind of cheeky, I'll admit, but I figured what the heck, why not have some fun with it.  He thought it was hysterical.

Still, that's not to say that small flourishes can't work.  Once on the sitcom Caroline in the City, Amy Pietz (who has a lovely voice) was performing "It Had to be You" as part of the secondary plot line.  Her pianist suggests a small change that she resists until she's actually performing it.  I loved it so much that I remember it to this day.  Well, obviously considering it was more than 20 years ago and I can still hear it in my head.  It was four notes that didn't interfere, but enhanced, the melody.

And there I go again going on and on about music.  Back to the actual topic, I just heard "You Are the Woman" yesterday on the radio.  That to me is uplifting, especially because that's how I felt when I saw John for the first time.  There was just something about him that melted my heart even before I actually met him.  I guess the universe was smiling on me that day.

[HisPumpkin]

I’ve not been around much because the dr gave me yet another med only this one knocks me out, I feel constantly stoned and for maybe 18 hours out of 24 what I can only describe as “emotionally blunted”. The other 6 hours are overload. Not impressed with them. I can’t go through life like a drunken zombie. 

Aside, I’ve been singing this one a lot. It brings the pain, I guess. I don’t want it to build up behind a drug induced dam because then the dam has to break. 

 

[KayC]

@HisPumpkin I'm so sorry, have you talked to the doctor about it?  I've had to do my own research and go back to the doctor with it and tell him THIS is what I want, I'm not taking that anymore!  I did that with my anxiety meds (he'd put me on Valium, I took myself off after two days of it wiping me out so I couldn't do my job or drive without it endangering me/everyone on the road!  I came up with Buspirone (Buspar) and it's worked for me since (2008).  No side effects, mild, I don't want to feel like a zombie or be wiped out, I just wantt to function even if I still have anxiety but to a much lesser degree.  I haven't had an anxiety attack since.

[tnd]

Every once in awhile I listen to that song by Heart, "The Dog And The Butterfly". Well, today is one of those days. My husband has been gone for a year and I'm still asking why. 

[widower2]

On 6/6/2022 at 12:19 AM, foreverhis said:

OMG, yes 100%.  I find myself "yelling" at certain recordings stuff like, "Just sing the song as written!" or "It's not a dirge!" or conversely "Slow down.  Are you late for dinner?" or "Don't you know how to breathe?" and more. 

lol - I have done similar (on rougher days I confess my comments are similarly rougher). Then someone I know will go "isn't she great??" or the audience will be gushing over this utter hack. Insert facepalm here. I don't talk music often with people.... 

 

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Excessive vibrato just sounds like someone can't hold the note or has no breath control/support, both of which are often true.  One of John's biggest pet peeves was constant breathy vibrato.  He always said, "Vibrato should be the icing, not the cake."  He was known for being firm, but fair, with his musicians.  He wouldn't tolerate laziness in the orchestra or onstage.  Yet, he was never mean or rude.  He was very supportive and caring, always working with performers so that they would feel they had done their best. 

That's great. See this is why I knew I'd always be a solo act. Don't play as well with others.  It's not that I'm mean really, I just don't have much patience and I'm very strongly opinionated about what to do and how (My beloved said I was just like her Jack Russell. I think those are two big reasons why...)      

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He had perfect pitch, while I have excellent relative pitch, so there were times I'd have to work extra hard.  

I'm so jealous! I have neither.

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Along those lines, we made a pact when we married that I would never audition for a primary lead if he was music director and conductor. 

That's a wise move...

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And there I go again going on and on about music. 

Go on all you like!  

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Back to the actual topic, I just heard "You Are the Woman" yesterday on the radio.  That to me is uplifting, especially because that's how I felt when I saw John for the first time.  There was just something about him that melted my heart even before I actually met him.  I guess the universe was smiling on me that day.

Always great to have those moments! Funny you mention that song; I've been struggling for...well forever it seems...with the timbre of my voice; I've never found it but feel pretty good with my "Rick Roberts voice" (their lead singer). Always liked them. 

[DWS]

Tom appeared in a dream last night. It was a simple scenario of the two of us brushing our teeth together in my bathroom. It was so vivid...so real! I remember the toothpaste falling off my brush into the sink as it will occasionally do. I remember saying "sh*t" and Tom chuckling saying "don't you hate it when that happens". We were both using our electric toothbrushes. There's some significance there because Tom gave me an Oral B on my birthday a couple of years ago after telling him that my hygienist keeps recommending that I get one. Thank goodness for dreams.

 

[KayC]

I'm so glad you got this visitation, I never get them, rarely ever got them but by now I guess my body realizes he's not here...no idea, but I'm not jealous of you at all, I am so very happy for you!  To even have a glimpse into our lives together, even brushing teeth, that is precious!

[DWS]

22 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm so glad you got this visitation, I never get them, rarely ever got them but by now I guess my body realizes he's not here...no idea, but I'm not jealous of you at all, I am so very happy for you!  To even have a glimpse into our lives together, even brushing teeth, that is precious!

 

19 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

The simple ones are the best. Loved hearing about this dream. Treasure these dreams. I haven’t had one for a long time. Hope I do again x

I hope both of you get your wish fulfilled of having a dream about them. That simple dream that I had made so much difference. It's hard to explain but as these weeks have flown by since Tom's been gone taking me further and further away from the time he was physically present in my life, that intensity of grief and the intensity of love started to dissipate. Life and society eventually pushes us to move forward and that can feel like we're leaving our loved one behind. I was getting used to Tom's absence instead of his presence and I was hating that. 

I wanted the intensity of emotions that I had during those first few weeks after his death. It felt warm there keeping me close to him and the love and commitment we shared but those intense emotions weren't a part of our everyday life before this happened. My dream reminded me of how we really were together...joking playfully enjoying each other's company while doing something mundane like brushing our teeth. That was the real us. It was no Hollywood romance of love to the nth degree happening every hour. It was us enjoying and battling the everyday world together. The dream brought me back down to earth and that, strangely enough, brought me back closer to Tom again. 

[widower2]

It's interesting to me how songs can resonate in diff ways...for example this song for me it's mostly about the music; it has such a longing, "wistful" sound that always grabbed me (warning kind of a sad sounding song): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdwVhNpDGR8

 

[DWS]

It's a long weekend here in Canada celebrating Canada Day and regarded as the official start to our short summer season. I guess I'm doing the best I can to muddle through it without Tom but it feels like pure hell as I keep looking around and questioning why he was taken from me so quickly and unexpectedly. We'd be doing nothing special...some yard work, likely a lot of walking and checking out local festivals...but we'd be doing it together and that made all the difference in the world. Doing a whole lot of nothing together. And now I have no want of doing much of anything or going anywhere. I did manage to get some yard work done yesterday...putting some of this unspent love into the gardens. 

A treasured pop classic from the past keeps playing in my mind now. It's funny how it's taken on such a different meaning from when I enjoyed it in my younger years. I'm a huge fan of Motown and despite the frolicking, boppiness of this tune, Diana seems to bring out the mournful sentimentality of the lyrics...

Jose Feliciano gives it more expression here...