My wife's death

[1050_harley]

I wish I knew exactly how I'm supposed to feel right now but the truth is I really don't.

I am sitting here just staring at the few bottles of whiskey I have brought for tomorrow to maybe, hopefully help wash away my pain as I am stuck in this darkness this empty darkness. I thought about what a lot of people have told me like don't drink and don't be alone you have support and help. I know I am not the only one here who has suffered losses of partners and I'm sorry for all of you. Times are tough but death dates are the toughest of all and I do not know how to deal with my "DARKNESS' i try to ignore the ache that I know will hit me hard tomorrow and I will do my best to be strong as I wash away my sorrows with alcohol. Lots of alcohol. I can't see any other way to deal with it that's legit effective. I feel like whatever happens will happen it's fate I guess. Thank you all for reading this as selfish as I may seem for this post it's just how I feel. Tomorrow will be worse. 

[Canadagirl81]

You aren't supposed to feel anything other than what you are. 
I will also echo what the other people have said.....drinking heavily will only put you at risk of seriously hurting yourself or someone else. Embrace your darkness, talk to it, write about it. Maybe instead of getting absolutely bombed you find a way to honour her tomorrow, I'm sure that's what she would love. You don't have to ignore the ache, dance with it. It's the only way through. Do you have friends or a support system you can lean on during this very hard time? Maybe be with them tomorrow. I am so sorry you lost your loving wife. You are not alone in the pain at all. Please be careful. Write anytime, we are all here for each other. 
Hugs
Laura

[Gail 8588]

1050 Harley,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I hope you can find something to do this weekend to help you get through this anniversary. 

Maybe you can buy a tree and plant it somewhere as a memorial to your wife.  The physical work of digging a hole, and planting a tree, or any other task such as painting the house, refinishing a table, building a dog house, anything, will be healthier for you than drinking to excess. Alcohol just magnifies depression.

Reach out to friends or family for support.  They want to help you. Make plans to have dinner with someone, so you will actually eat. 

You know your wife would want you to take care of yourself. 

The first anniversary of a death is terribly hard. I hope you can find a way to get through it that is not so harmful to your own health. 

Reach out to us here.  We understand how hard this is.  We will be thinking of you this weekend.

Hugs

Gail

 

[1050_harley]

That's the thing I understand that grief has no time limit but she passed away in 2019 and here I am in 2022 feeling miserable like it has just happened yesterday. I can't get out of my head seeing her eyes close and taking her last breath as she said the words I love you after not hearing it for months beforehand as we were fighting. I feel guilty and I feel ashamed of myself for letting her die for just sitting there doing nothing to save her. She is in heaven but I belong in hell for I could not save her and the only way I know how to cope is through drinking. 

[Canadagirl81]

@1050_harley I’m so sorry. Have you talked to a professional? There is no shame in reaching out for help in dealing with all the emotions wrapped around your huge loss. There is no time limit as you said for grief and it’s okay to be exactly where you are. I suggest reaching out to someone to help you deal with your guilt and grief in a more healthy way and maybe also assist you with your drinking. 
You truly aren’t alone and there are people that can help you. 

[KayC]

I echo the others' responses here...thinking of you as you go through your anniversary...I know none of this is easy.  It'd even help if you joined a grief support group.  Are their grief counselors there?

Grief specialist
Grief Support Groups
Grief Support

14 hours ago, 1050_harley said:

Lots of alcohol.

It's not a way to cope, it's a depressant and can make us feel WORSE.  Like a bandaid that prevents air/healing.

[Laura Vence]

I don't think you have to drink or not drink. That's your decision. You can take advice from everyone, and know some of the facts. But you are grieving and you have to honor your own way. 

I too often feel that darkness since the death of my beloved husband in October. I don't know how I'll go on sometimes without his cheerful presence, his love for me. I'm reading a book someone on this list recommended, for which I am grateful. It's available on Kindle. Title is kind of silly, but the book is extremely well written and deals exactly with that darkness you talk about: It's OK that You're Not OK, by Megan Divine. We need not apologize for how bad we feel, nor can we expect the "regular world" out there to get it or be supportive. Only those of us in the midst of it "get it."  And if we survive all this grief, maybe it will make us more compassionate people. There are some very compassionate people on this list forever changed by their losses, and recognizing all that it takes of us to get through.

Thinking of you in the death anniversary. I'm not there yet. But I've lived through these with my son's death anniversaries. I find setting up a beautiful shrine and doing something beautiful in a ritual (I like going to sacred sites) is really helpful. And try to keep open, as your lost partner may send a sign, a spirit message. I got one on Easter weekend from my husband that blew my mind. 

Sending our love.

[Jemiga70]

@1050_harley  I feel the pain in your writing.  I feel like I sort of understand, although I know our grief is unique. I will be experiencing my own anniversary on May 3rd as it'll be 1 year since my wife passed on.  The more I've read and heard others' struggles of grief, the more I understand that guilt and regret, the woulda coulda shouldas, are all too common.

I tried drinking away the pain on several occasions over the last 11 months and came to the conclusion that it just doesn't work for me. How I wish I would! I wish drinking could be the one thing that works, but it doesnt. It just amplifies the sadness when the high wears off. So Ive decided to just stand there in that boxing ring of sorts and welcome all the blows to my head and body and all of the pain, and just be there, let it all wash through me, and just stand there and endure it, knowing that it might bring me to the mat, but I will get up, likely bruised and bloody, but I will get up (and maybe even after the bell sounds) but so what?  The anniversary date upcoming, my trauma counselor suggested something I hadnt thought of: To do something to honor my wife. Even going for a walk in the park would be something, or maybe lunch at a park with a friend. I don't expect this to be easy; in fact I expect it to be pure f****ing hell and I won't feel like doing it and regardless, I will indeed suffer, but for me there is no other way. It seems my grief can't be sidestepped or blotted out though I wish it could.

It's OK to feel angry, to feel sad, to cry, to feel indifferent about everything. It's OK to feel all that you feel.

I'm so sorry for what youve been enduring brother.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Laura Vence said:

I don't think you have to drink or not drink. That's your decision. You can take advice from everyone, and know some of the facts. But you are grieving and you have to honor your own way. 

It is known to be a depressant, so I wouldn't suggest it as a way to grieve.
Alcohol & Grief
Alcohol & Grief: Will It Lead to Addiction?

Anniversary of Death
Anniversary of death tips