My Home in a Person

[HisPumpkin]

My fiancé passed away from a sudden, massive heart attack on 31st of March.

We didn’t have the most conventional relationship, and we didn’t have very much time.

But there’s something to be said for… when you know, you know.

D and I met online. Not so uncommon these days, really. But what we hadn’t at first realised was the physical distance between us. He appeared in my inbox one day after reading some of my writing, a funny little anecdote he took the time to be relatable to me. No boring “hey how are you” or “you’re sexy” or any of the usual crap. 

We began exchanging messages, soon progressed to talking on the phone, then video. We very quickly felt a deep connection, and we wanted to explore it, even though we were from different countries. We could talk for hours, every topic under the sun, laughing, sharing stories, debating. I think we fell in love with each other’s brains long before we met physically. But we tried to stay a little grounded. Our plans to meet were delayed, by covid, by injury and physical therapy requirements, but that just meant - more endless hours talking. 

D was the first person, the only person, I have ever been able to tell every single thing to. Never judgement, always support. He was the gentlest, kindest, most loving person I ever encountered. We shared the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves too, the bits you’re usually ashamed to talk about, given we both had had significant trauma in life, particularly when young. 

He became something of an anchor for me, and I experienced true happiness, a sense of safety and security I had never felt before.

When we finally got to spend a month physically together, 24/7, again, from the first moment he touched me, wrapping his arms around me at the airport and holding me so tight: home. He was my home in a person. 

We had a beautiful month together, sharing every moment. Then he had to head home. But we knew with no shadow of doubt what we wanted: life, together. We had it all planned out. 

I would visit him in May. See his world, meet his family, and then we would sort out the visa. We wanted only to get to the point where we didn’t have to wake up without each other again. 

We wanted to marry, get a little place in the country, make it ours. Baby ducks, grow some vegetables, make some art. Mortgage plans were in place, we were putting all the practical things into play, whilst still, every day, there for each other, every moment we could steal between work and sleep. We did retain our lives, socialising, friends and family, but once we were done, we were always greedy to share each moment of our days, our world through our eyes. Pictures, voice messages, little I love yous through the days physically apart, and always the countdown to being together again.

D had a massive heart attack on 31st March. It even hurts to write that. I was on the phone to him, he got nauseous, just wanted to lie down. He’d had the hardware taken out his broken arm recently and been feeling a bit off, so I didn’t think too much of it. By the time I realised it wasn’t nausea and it wasn’t passing, and tried to get him help, it was too late. He died on the way to the hospital, the medics worked on him for 45 minutes but they couldn’t bring him back. 

His mother called to tell me. I’ve never met her and to the family I’m a stranger, though D was always talking to me and they knew our plans. 

I feel like my whole future went with him. Everything between us fit, on every level. The connection physically was incredible, but it was the emotional and mental connection that cemented us. We wanted to make each other happy, and so we never let any obstacle get in the way. We didn’t bother with petty squabbles, because we both had known pain, we didn’t want anymore of that in our lives, so we chose every day to be there for each other, through many ups and downs. 

It wasn’t a perfect fairytale, there were many obstacles, but these things kept us always pushing forward, supportive and loving.

After such a long time of feeling that warmth, that love, that sense of home - of the hours of talking, and morning I love yous, the nighttime good nights, sharing every part of our lives and our day to day, now there is silence. I’ve not been included in the usual rituals of memorial service, I wouldn’t be able to go without assistance anyway, and there is nobody offering to help me navigate rural Illinois from a U.K. perspective. 

I feel immense guilt because I couldn’t save him. I tried contacting every relative I could to get him help but it took too much time, and 911 isn’t reachable from outside the states. 

Three short weeks ago, I woke up on a Thursday overflowing with love, happiness and hope for the future in a way I’ve never felt in my life. 12 hours later my whole world fell apart. 

Even though he’s passed, the connection isn’t gone. I’m left with all this love inside me and nowhere to put it. I keep staring at my phone wishing he’d call and this would just be a terrible nightmare. But there’s only silence. 

I have barely gotten out of bed, can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t function. Try explaining that to work… your long distance “boyfriend” who you met once died. Big deal. Get over it. 

But we spent more time together physically than many people do when they’re dating, because it was 24/7. We certainly spent way more time talking, connecting, sharing than is common when you meet someone in a bar and decide to have dinner a few times a week. 

D was my perfect fit, after years of searching, despite the challenges. We were really just getting started, but we thought we’d have decades. We had so many plans. 

Now he’s gone, the world got very dark. And so I write. I write about him, us, I write to him, all the things I want to say but can’t pick up the phone. I write to remember, I’m so scared to forget even the tiniest detail. I write so in some way, he lives on, and I can’t bare the thought of him being forgotten. 

I miss him beyond words, and I’ve experienced loss before, but this is like being split in two. 

I’m sorry I’ve written a book. But people don’t understand the depth of my grief. It’s not just everything he was, everything we shared - it’s everything we never got the chance to. And it’s cosmically unfair, for both of us, to be given this gift and then have it ripped away. 
 

[DWS]

 I am so sorry that this happened. What a tremendous loss for you! I definitely understand the depth of your grief...every damn bit of it. Long distance love is a unique novel of its own. I was more fortunate than you that my partner was only a three hour drive away but he passed away suddenly in his sleep at his home. It was totally unexpected. 

I hope you will write some more about your fiancé and the special times together. 

Hugs, Don

[PLin]

His Pumpkin,

What a beautiful love story you have told, and how devastating to have lost it before it barely got started. I can feel and understand your deep pain and loss. It is overwhelming. It feels like a pain that will never subside. Like it is impossible to move forward. We all understand the depth of your grief.

I have a dear friend who had a long distance relationship with a man she cared deeply about. He too died and just like you her friends and family didn't understand her deep grief. (In their minds they weren't a 'real' couple). That attitude makes it so much harder for you. One of the things I found the most difficult right after Ted died were what I called the intrusives and the insensitives. The people who made my sorrow worse rather than better. I did my best to steer clear of them and still do. It is unhelpful to have to deal with people like that. Your grief is real and no matter what others think it is exactly as you experience it. 

I am so sorry that you have suffered this tragic loss. Keep posting here, you will find people are very supportive and understanding.

LIn

 

[HisPumpkin]

24 minutes ago, DWS said:

 I am so sorry that this happened. What a tremendous loss for you! I definitely understand the depth of your grief...every damn bit of it. Long distance love is a unique novel of its own. I was more fortunate than you that my partner was only a three hour drive away but he passed away suddenly in his sleep at his home. It was totally unexpected. 

I hope you will write some more about your fiancé and the special times together. 

Hugs, Don

Thank you Don. I’m so sorry you lost your love, too. Losing D is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. Both of us didn’t have the best starts, but we had done a lot of work on ourselves to come to peace with these things in the decades before we found each other. It bonded us deeper, knowing so much darkness, but ever seeking light. We found that light in each other, and the miles didn’t matter, because we made each other’s hopes for a happy ever after a reality. We’d been looking for each other through many failed relationships, something never quite fitting, or becoming abusive. But we took all the lessons and made something beautiful. It’s extra difficult to have found that beauty and have it so suddenly be gone. I don’t think any death is easy, but sudden is like an instant ripping apart of your whole world as you know it, and I think I’m still in shock. Love to you. 

20 minutes ago, PLin said:

His Pumpkin,

What a beautiful love story you have told, and how devastating to have lost it before it barely got started. I can feel and understand your deep pain and loss. It is overwhelming. It feels like a pain that will never subside. Like it is impossible to move forward. We all understand the depth of your grief.

I have a dear friend who had a long distance relationship with a man she cared deeply about. He too died and just like you her friends and family didn't understand her deep grief. (In their minds they weren't a 'real' couple). That attitude makes it so much harder for you. One of the things I found the most difficult right after Ted died were what I called the intrusives and the insensitives. The people who made my sorrow worse rather than better. I did my best to steer clear of them and still do. It is unhelpful to have to deal with people like that. Your grief is real and no matter what others think it is exactly as you experience it. 

I am so sorry that you have suffered this tragic loss. Keep posting here, you will find people are very supportive and understanding.

LIn

 

Thank you Lin. I’m sorry we are in this newfound club together, it feels like only people who have lost someone so close to them have any idea what it’s like. 

A lot of people go through motions. I’ve been one of them. Date, have someone there just to have someone there. But meeting D was different. I didn’t think too much about soulmates before I met him beyond what we see in movies, books. But we were drawn to each other. He encouraged me to be my best self. I hope I did the same for him. He showed me that real, healthy and safe love is possible, and that it’s beautiful in its simplicity. You want to make each other happy, so, that’s what you do. On the happy days, the sad days, the sick days alike. I didn’t know it could be that way, and I didn’t think I’d ever meet someone who could love every part of me, but he did, and I loved him the same way. I still do. I think I always will. But with that comes the knowledge, I don’t think everybody gets that in their lifetimes. And I hope I can get to the point where I can focus more on the blessings than the loss. I can’t bring myself to regret a moment we spent together. I just have no idea what to do without him. Big changes were happening, relocating, new job. Now I can barely breathe and moving from room to room is a struggle. It’s fresh, but waking up every morning is reliving it all again. 

He left his things here when he went home. All his clothes. His toiletries are still in the bathroom. The love note he left on the fridge. His little pocket knife. I seem to just sit, wearing his T-shirt and joggers, and cry. 

I need to figure out how to get back to work. I got a grief counsellor who is kind and lets me talk. My mother met D, saw us together, saw how happy we were. She says we just moved around each other in synchronicity, always touching in some way, always sharing secret glances, and she was happy, because finally I was happy. She wanted to help us achieve our goals, and D was always kind of surprised, because it was different from his own family dynamic. She thought he was the easiest person to talk to, and so gentle. Now she’s heartbroken because I am, but at least there is one person in my life that gets it. Though I feel guilty, as my brother passed a year ago, almost to the day, and it hit my mother especially hard. So though it’s a different relationship she understands the pain of losing someone you were so bonded to. So we sit and cry together, and wonder why life can be so cruel. I want to be stronger for her but we both are lost in the feelings of - why did he die, and I’m still here. Neither of us particularly want to be, but I’m told that’s a normal part of grief.

Thank you both for holding space. 

[HisPumpkin]

I want to share some things D wrote, before we met, that have been playing on my mind. He was an artist, creating beauty with everything he touched, mystical images of dragons and fairies and pretty girls. He wanted to start selling his art when he moved here, a way to make money until the visa allowed for employment. But he was an artist with words too.

“There is the blinding joy of new love and there is the exquisite pain of an ending. We embrace the first and endure the latter to connect ourselves to each other. 

But what if, you knew the ending before the beginning, and you couldn't change it? 

If you knew it would only last a weekend, a month, a year, or ten years...

Would you still love as hard? Would you still open your heart to hope and dreams and enjoy it for the time you had? Could you resist the instinctive urge to build walls around your heart? 

Perhaps this is why we cannot know the future, why we must live each moment as it is without the promise of more.”

 

I think about this a lot, how we loved each other fully, and let each other know it every day. I know we never took each other for granted, we shared our feelings openly. But if I had known how it would end, would I have been able to open up so much? I think, if I had also known what we would share, then yes. He brought so much light to my world. He brought light to everyone, always taking time to brighten peoples days, servers, strangers, exchanging jokes and pleasantries. He hated life in the rat race, and he always had time for people. 
 

He talked about “life on the wheel” a lot. He’d tell me “babygirl, the wheel keeps turning, sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down, but that wheel keeps spinning and eventually even the darkest times end and you see the light again”. I have a voicemail from him, when he’d gotten his booster shot and his new passport came in, so much excitement in his voice. He’d not long broken his elbow, a downturn on the wheel spinning, but he’s telling me all about the good things, and laughing and saying “hooray for life on the wheel”. 
 

The wheel has spun in the most devastating way for us both and with it comes huge difficulty in seeing any hope for it ever spinning again. It feels like it’s just stuck. And I want so badly to remember his philosophies, and honour him, but it will take quite a lot of time. For now there is pain. It doesn’t seem to ever stop. Tears I don’t know how I’ve got left in me because self care like eating and drinking has gone out the window. He made everything better, he always knew what to say, and do, to give comfort, and I hope I always reciprocated. I hope he knew how much I loved him.  
 

I mostly will share these things here, because they are him, and I don’t know where else to share them. I’m so worried that everything he shared will be lost, and putting his words out into cyberspace seems a way to immortalise him. I think in part this is because I’m not being involved in any of the memorial plans, so it’s my own little memorials to him. 
 

I know I still have a lot of crying, a lot of screaming, a lot of gut wrenching pain to go through until it dulls a little, but my words to him would be, yes - I would choose you. I’d choose you every time, no matter what, because being loved by you was the biggest gift in my life. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I wish I could get a do over. You had so much left to give this world. But I will hold that love inside my heart forever. Part of me went with you, and I have to hope that whatever comes after, I will see you again. I miss you D. I love you, always and all ways. 

[Roxeanne]

3 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

And it’s cosmically unfair, for both of us, to be given this gift and then have it ripped away. 

Oh yes...it's so unfair! Your story is great..even long distances mean nothing when you find your soulmate...

I'm so so sorry that your dream broke so brutally...you both deserve more!

Hope our community can comfort you in your raw pain...all of us have lost our soulmate, we know the sorrow we know the loneliness we know the despair ...

You're not alone, we are here  for you...hugs R.

 

[Canadagirl81]

Welcome....Im so sorry.....It sucks that we have to even be here but it's amazing we have each other.
My ex husband and I met online and I moved from Canada to the States to be with him. While it didn't work out for us, our connection will always be special and it brought me to Glenn. You can learn so much about someone being long distance and I am forever thankful for the time my ex and I shared together. 
I am so sorry that your time got cut short....I think that's the worst part, the future that will never be. Your story is gorgeous and so heartbreaking. It will never make sense. Just flow with your grief and know that it's okay to feel whatever it is you are experiencing. Your connection is REAL, as authentic and meaningful as couples who met in person from the start. You spent so much time together and just because you were long distance does not mean it wasn't profoundly deep and meant to be. 
The beautiful thing is that no one can change what you have. You are still with him and he is with you, it's just in a different way now. Glenn is my home as well, he lives within me and I know he's always with me. Thank you for sharing D's writing and your thoughts here, you aren't alone in them at all. If I had known my time with G was coming to an end...man...I don't think I'll ever understand. I've been through a lot (my divorce was so so painful) so it almost prepared me for the grief of this tremendous loss. I want to honour him too, like you do with D and so I must go on for both of us now. I will continue to take care of me and allow myself whatever time I need to process, feel, cry, scream and heal. You don't have to push yourself to do anything you aren't ready for.  It will never be the same, this I know with all I am. This changes us, how could it not? I will mourn him for the rest of my life but I am also completely grateful that I got to spend the time I did with him. 
Glenn passed suddenly, we lived together for the last 4 years so I am surrounded by his things. Like you, I wear his clothes and comfort myself with them. Keep doing that okay? I started taking antidepressants and I'm also in therapy to help sort these emotions. I'm proud of you for reaching out for help. You have come to a place where people truly get it and will support you.  Many of us have been surprised by the lack of support from family and friends in our lives so this community has been a light in the darkest of times. 
Sending you the biggest hug, we are in this together sister. 
Laura

[tnd]

8 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

He was my home in a person

I am very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I, too, know the pain from losing a loved one, it's intense. And there seems to be no mercy given to survivors. I wish I could know if or when this pain will let up. But even if we did know I do not think we will ever truly be free from the sorrow a loss like this causes. You're own assessment of your loved one being a 'home in a person" is an accurate one for me,too. Take care. 

[HisPumpkin]

Thank you everyone. And I’m so sorry you identify, because that means you’re going through this hell too.

It at least gives me a focus, to write, to share, to connect. He was so much a part of my every day that the silence is crushing and I just seem to stare at the phone wishing he’d call and it’ll all be some horrible nightmare. I get so angry that we had so much still to do together, it’s all we really wanted - everything became about us. No more single entities, though we certainly did plenty of things apart, but the goals, the future. We always met each other half way. And my emotions are so intense. They’re just as intense as the love, but now there’s a constant crushing sadness. I keep feeling this pressure like someone is constantly squeezing my heart. My stomach is nauseous. Even my brain, at night when I’m lying in bed and can’t sleep, it feels like it’s shifting. I look these things up with a kind of detached interest. The sad thing is I don’t care if I die, I’m not actively suicidal, I just don’t care if I die. I can’t imagine the future without him in it anymore. Or rather, I can, but it’s bleak. Day 22 and I haven’t really made any progress at all. I know it’s not a sprint. I write and I write and I write, letters to him, private things. I hear him in my head (not auditory hallucinations but when you spent so much time talking every day then… you know). I’ve gotten kind of obsessed with spirituality, looking for signs, trying to feel him here, figure out what happens, will I see him again, will we get that time to live our dreams. I guess it’s normal for grief but I do get swept up in it. I know I’ll have to push out of this bubble and get a routine again but I’m terrified, I’m terrified of going to work, because I worked late that Thursday, called him when I was walking home. He was fine at first, then he wasn’t, and I was grocery shopping, talking to him, eating a bloody sandwich, when I realised it wasn’t just nausea and something was very wrong. 
I know I have PTSD about it. But I panic about going outside. I seem to panic about everything right now. He was the one who grounded me when I was anxious, though with him around it didn’t happen often. Today I feel like I’m dying but I know I need to get up. 

@Canadagirl81 thank you especially for all that you wrote. I want to get to where you are with living for Glenn. I know D fell in love with the light and the life in me, but I get so confused sometimes, because I feel like he’s the one that brought me to life. I know that’s codependent, but for us it wasn’t unhealthy, it was just, we wanted to spend most of our time together. Like life before him I was just stumbling through, existing, without realising it, and when he showed me what it means to be truly happy that showed me the world in technicolour. Now it’s monochrome. 

I’m sorry to be so depressing. It’s just so hard. 
 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

when you know, you know.

Yes, and that's how it was for us, although we started as friends, I was going through a drawn out divorce...George later said our friendship "grew wings."

I am so sorry for your loss, I am sorry for all of us who've lost the person we wanted to spend our lives with!  I hope you'll continue coming here, reading/posting, it helps, it really does.  I see you've already commented on many posts, the more you interact, it helps to process our grief and also knowing there's others that "get it" and understand.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

17 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

Even though he’s passed, the connection isn’t gone.

It doesn't.  I lost my husband nearly 17 years ago and I love and miss him so much, there's not been a day I haven't thought of him!  He's uppermost in my thoughts.  Grief has a beginning, but not an ending, it just evolves in time to something more manageable that we can carry inside of us.

Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream

[KayC]

15 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

I seem to just sit, wearing his T-shirt and joggers, and cry. 

I still have his bathrobe hanging on the door, when I need to feel him around me, I put it on.

14 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

If you knew it would only last a weekend, a month, a year, or ten years...

Would you still love as hard?

Absolutely!  

[HisPumpkin]

Thank you @KayC, I don’t know that “comfort” is the right word, but it helps to have people understand. I wish none of us did, and none of us had lost our loved ones. But adapting to the new reality, god, even thinking that this is my new reality, my throat closes up, I can’t breathe. Panic attacks. I want to live in a bubble pretending he’s not gone. That he’ll call and I can be mad at him for disappearing. I try to find the blessings in the memories, then comes the devastation: he will never hold me again. 

We had our countdown to May when he’d pick me up at the airport, and I’d be in his arms again. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to cancel the flight. It’s too much to navigate, too real. If his family were different, I’d probably still go. See his world. Sit in the truck he often sat in whilst talking to me. Go see his colleagues who I often chatted with. The coffee shop he got his hit chocolate in and the server who told him all his home renovations whilst D told him all about his plans to move with me. I was on the phone with him so often, I witnessed all these little interactions.  Just see everything he saw, everything he lived with. Share all the memories of the amazing soul I knew him to be with others who loved him too. Cry with them. Visit the family plot where his ashes are interred. I don’t even know where the plot is, and the family don’t seem to want me there anyway, and I know that D was worried about my meeting them because of how they are. He loved them, but he wasn’t blind to the traits. He just said there was no point in fighting, and so he did his best to be a good son, a good brother. A good parent. His son is autistic, though grown, and I try to keep contact with him but I don’t want to pressure him. His mom has his phone and with that access to all our shared intimacies. She’s already made a few digs. But then she also inferred fault to me not getting him an ambulance. So I feel so much on the outside looking in, which is weird, because I know I was the centre of his world, and the person who knew him. He never really felt loved or wanted by family, more, obligation and expectation to always be doing things for them, which he did without complaint even if he was something of a target for verbal punching. He’d accepted that was just how they were. It’s partly why he wasn’t phased by relocating. He just wanted to make sure I met his son, and so if he wanted to he’d know he always had a place with us if anything happened to change his current set up. 
All these things go through my head, and I feel selfish, because surely they must all feel grief their own ways, but it’s hard for me to understand them. They didn’t often do for him, just took. About 2 hours after he died his close family members were posting joke memes on social media. I was sitting alone with a bottle of vodka in a daze, completely in shock, crying my eyes out. I remember a friend calling me about 3 or 4am having heard the news, and talking to me for hours til I passed out. I don’t even remember what we talked about. I don’t remember much of the last three weeks. It’s a blur. 
I’m just vomiting words now, but I have so many inside of me on repeat. He was my person who I could do that with, tell anything and everything to. I hate this new reality. I hate mostly that D is not going to be able to realise his final dreams. He was 55, still convinced he had decades to live, but he wanted something simple. A home, to love and to be loved. I wanted that too. We found that together, and I miss him like oxygen. 

[Canadagirl81]

@HisPumpkin The world has lost all colour for me as well. The fun, life and light left the day he did for me.... but I also know that I am still here and he didn't get to live on so I must. Don't rush trying to get to this mindset....feel all the feels you are experiencing hon. This is awful and horrifying....some days I feel like giving up but I have to consciously re-direct my thoughts to that of gratitude for even knowing Glenn and having his love.  Glenn was 54... I'm so sorry you lost D so young as well. I also can't stand thinking about all the dreams he didn't realize but he absolutely did achieve some big ones so for that I'm thankful. Keep breathing somehow....he's right with you. 

[HisPumpkin]

10 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

@HisPumpkin Keep breathing somehow....he's right with you. 

Whenever I say, write or even think “he’s gone” or “you’re gone” I hear his voice in my mind, adamant “I’m not gone. I’m right here. I’m always going to be right here.”

It’s more like a voice at the back of my head, and I do struggle with it, because it could be the voice within me, like I live with a constant monologue of D, because I know exactly what he’d say, has said, would say. 

I finally went out last night. I went to a mediumship thing, though I do believe in spirit / soul, I think a lot of the ones by profession are charlatans. Hit or miss. 

I could hear D in my head snorting derisively, telling me they were a pair of quacks and I didn’t need anyone else to talk to him, I do it all the time. 

To be fair, the woman had some merit in the tiny details she was sharing with some of the attendees. The guy was more generic, relying on humour to carry the room. A lot of it involved them saying names that would be common in older generations likely to have passed. Elizabeth, Anne, John. Common names. Nothing resonated with me but that’s ok. It was interesting to watch, and it got me dressed in my own clothes and out for the first time in 3 weeks. 

I’m trying to work on consciously shifting my mindset to the gifts. I still get very stuck in the fact his physical presence is gone and how much that hurts, to never touch him again, never kiss him again. Never get the little place together with the baby ducks. 

I’m proud of you. It’s so hard to try to maintain that mindset when your world has been ripped apart. 

 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

even thinking that this is my new reality, my throat closes up, I can’t breathe. Panic attacks.

I hope you'll see a doctor for this...I didn't for over three years and now I realize I'd just made it harder on myself by not doing so sooner.  I take Buspirone (Buspar) which is safe, effective, mild, I have no side effects.  It's not an SSRI and doesn't alter your brain, but it takes the edge off anxiety so you can better cope.  That's what I wanted, I still wanted to feel, didn't want to be robotic/numb, just be able to cope!  I will be on it for life, mine isn't just situational but I've had GAD all my life, even as a child, but throw in situational and I was a mess!  I went on it in 2008 and have not had an anxiety attack since, although I can still feel it sometimes, but not overwhelming like it was.. 

 

22 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

I’m just vomiting words now, but I have so many inside of me on repeat.

This is what we need at this time, someone to talk to, someone who cares and listens.  All my friends disappeared overnight.  The only one who listened was someone who contacted me right after George's funeral, purporting to be his "friend" (which I now know is doubtful!)...I ended up marrying him, one of the biggest mistakes of my life, he was a con who preyed on me in my vulnerability!  I'm still paying for it financially (he used my credit for $57,000, quit his job and went into hiding, it cost me a fortune to divorce him as he even "made a deal" so I could get a divorce and begin protecting myself from future damage...otherwise it takes seven long years when you have no address.  Now my daughter is going through something similar.   Be careful guys, not to be as stupid as I was!  It's embarrassing but I AM proud that I got out of it and swiftly, even though it's been costly.  I don't even date and it's been almost 17 years!  You think, "I'd never do that!"  Think again, we get so desperate in our grief. 

 

11 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

The world has lost all colour for me as well.

Yep, my world went from living color to black/white/greys overnight.  A good way to describe it.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

Glenn was 54... I'm so sorry you lost D so young as well.

My George had his 51st birthday five days before he died, his birthday banner was still up when I came home from the hospital without him.  It felt surreal.  My XH called me early the next morning tearing into me!  I instructed him it was not the way to respond to someone in grief.  He'd chided me for "ruining HIS Father's Day!"  George died on Father's Day, my daughter had picked me up from the hospital instead of having time with him.  She made George his one and only Father's Day card.  He was the best stepdad in the world.  Her and her dad are not close, his own doing.  His wife doesn't allow them in the house nor were they allowed to attend their wedding.

So much of that time seems surreal.  I remember pretending he was on a trip and would be back in a week.

30 minutes ago, HisPumpkin said:

I hear his voice in my mind, adamant “I’m not gone. I’m right here. I’m always going to be right here.

I love that, keep holding that thought!

[HisPumpkin]

@KayC yes, I’ve had a battle with mental health all my life. Early trauma manifested into borderline personality disorder. I was exceptionally messed up as a teen. I did a lot of work to pull myself through it all and am not diagnostic BPD anymore but I still struggle with the intensity of my emotions, always will. I have battled depression, anxiety, CPTSD for most of my life, I’m generally highly functional through it all. Dr gave me propranolol to slow everything down a bit. Also citalopram but I told her I hadn’t been on it in years and it’s placebo for me. 

Im so sorry some vulture took advantage of you in your hardest moments. There are so many cruel, heartless humans. I do worry, because of how my BPD brain works with attachment, that in my desperation to feel better I would latch on to something toxic, like I did all through my 20s. But I don’t think I’m there anymore - I’m exceptionally guarded and it’s tough to get through. D made the effort, I’ve no idea why, he just saw into me and it pulled him to me. I am angry on your behalf of this “friend” and you’re not the first to give such a warning. These predators are everywhere 😢 I’m glad you got free, and quickly, but I’m sorry that it happened. 

Your ex husband sounds like a selfish *insert cuss word here*

So many people lack empathy these days. I think that’s the global pandemic that’s not ending that we really have to worry about. 

[KayC]

12 minutes ago, HisPumpkin said:

But I don’t think I’m there anymore

I no longer feel I have to have someone to complete me, I've learned and healed so much!  Nothing we go through is a waste if we use it to learn from.  A lot of people in this situation would feel they betrayed their late spouse, but I don't worry about that, I know of all of the people in the world, he'd be the first to understand and his heart would go out to me...that's just how we were.  We always understood each other and loved each other.  I know when I reach the other side he'll say, "There's nothing to forgive, we're here together, that's all that matters now..."  

 

15 minutes ago, HisPumpkin said:

Your ex husband sounds like a selfish *insert cuss word here*

Hence "ex."  23 years of controlling & emotional abuse, withheld love, no caring.  It showed me he didn't learn anything from it.

 

17 minutes ago, HisPumpkin said:

So many people lack empathy these days. I think that’s the global pandemic that’s not ending that we really have to worry about. 

I so agree!  Whether Putin or just people we know...

 

[Canadagirl81]

1 hour ago, HisPumpkin said:

I’m trying to work on consciously shifting my mindset to the gifts. I still get very stuck in the fact his physical presence is gone and how much that hurts, to never touch him again, never kiss him again. Never get the little place together with the baby ducks. 

I’m proud of you. It’s so hard to try to maintain that mindset when your world has been ripped apart. 

 

I get stuck too, trust me. I miss his physicality with every cell of me… but I just keep breathing through it. That’s all we can do. I also hear G in my head guiding me and I experience very real lucid dream visits with him that comfort me so much. I hope they continue for the rest of my life. 
Thank you. You should be proud of you too. Even coming here is a huge step. Hugs. 

[HisPumpkin]

Today has been really really bad. I slept, a lot, but I dreamed that he’d left me. Was going to stay with his ex, because one of her children were dying and he wanted to help her pass and say goodbye. I was in a huge panic, smashed my phone, in the dream, then seemed to be freaking out that all I had left of him, pictures, voice messages, would be lost. Then he called me, calmed me down, said this was just a little time apart and that he’d be back, we’d be together soon. He just had some things he had to do. Hope. It gave me hope. Then I have to wake up and know this is something we can’t change or fix, it’s not an argument, not a complicated dip in the road. 

Even the trees outside are triggering me. They’re so green now and I only just noticed. The season changing, everything is coming back to life, and he’s not. It fragments me and I just seem to crawl into bed and cry for him to come take me away with him because I really don’t want to be here without him. I don’t see the point. I’m not actively suicidal, I just really want to go to sleep and not wake up. 😢

[KayC]

It sounds like your subconscious is trying to sort it out, reassure you that this is temporary...butt he's not with his ex. 

[Gail 8588]

HisPumpkin,

When it comes to finding your soulmate, your true love, your one person,  the length of time you have together is in no way a measure of the depth of your love. Your heart knows what it knows!

Sadly, society at large often doesn't understand this.  We do understand.  Sending you hugs.

Gail

[HisPumpkin]

@Gail 8588 only in these spaces do I find any real measure of understanding. Little corners of cyberspace where others have gone through the same kind of all consuming, crushing grief. 

I miss him every moment. He’s with me every moment, but right now it’s a constant reminder that he’s not with me and I flit between trying to find comfort in the essence of him, the voice in my head, the guide, reminding me he’s always with me, and the devastating reality that he is physically not. A month ago I could not have imagined this is where I’d be today. So many plans we had in motion. So quickly everything you know, everything that brings joy and hope for the future, changes. I think I will struggle with this for a very long time and I know the days and months ahead are going to continue to be the most difficult of my life. I know there is no quick fix, no magic to take it all away. It leaves me very broken. I want to hide under the duvet and not come out, not face the world, not be in it. 

Like a frightened, lost little child I just want someone to make it better. But that person was always D. 

It’s so very hard 😢

[DWS]

6 minutes ago, HisPumpkin said:

A month ago I could not have imagined this is where I’d be today. So many plans we had in motion. So quickly everything you know, everything that brings joy and hope for the future, changes. I think I will struggle with this for a very long time and I know the days and months ahead are going to continue to be the most difficult of my life. I know there is no quick fix, no magic to take it all away. It leaves me very broken. I want to hide under the duvet and not come out, not face the world, not be in it. 

Like a frightened, lost little child I just want someone to make it better. But that person was always D. 

It’s so very hard 😢

It is very difficult and big hugs to you. It's Monday morning here and my weekend was terribly rough. It feels like it was the worst so far in the almost nine weeks since the tragic news. The common advice to deal with grief is the concept of taking things one day or even one hour at a time so last night, I did more reading and contemplating about how to do that.

One of the articles that I read on What's Your Grief described it as comparing ourselves to that of a mountain climber. In mountain climbing, the way to stay alive is not to look down and not to look up...just concentrate on where you are...and this is what living one day at a time is about. it's our way to stay alive and work through this. Looking at the past is like looking down the mountain and looking up is the future. In this moment, neither of those are helpful on this grief journey because they hurt too much. I've certainly caught myself wondering how or why do I want to continue climbing this mountain. I don't particularly see anything up there that looks inviting or desirable right now.

So let's just concentrate on this moment. Set some small tasks for the day or for the hour. If going to work is needed for this day, we do that. We do what we can to get through it. Maybe have something to look forward to after as a reward and treat for ourselves. Last night, Turner Classic Movies was showing the classic comedy movie Blazing Saddles which I had only seen once long, long ago and I treated myself to that. We do what we can to get through today. That's all we need to do. It's not always the easiest thing to do and we'll falter but maybe living one day at a time just needs practice. 

[HisPumpkin]

This is a wonderful analogy @DWS. It does feel very much like that. I don’t see much of worth in a future without him, and I’d live in the past with him if I could escape into my mind. But there are things to do, cats to look after, bills to pay. I know I need to figure out how to get myself back to work which feels like an impossible task. 

I need to get to the date of his memorial. His mother told me she would see if she could sort the tech for me to be able to watch, but I haven’t heard anything, and I suspect I won’t. She’s so abrasive with me, and there are factors. D was a T guy. His momma could never accept that. She didn’t understand our relationship which also had other non-conventional factors, long distance aside. To me he was my man, my life partner. I was also his girl in every sense of the word. 

I have my own little memorials. I got a canvas print of us, my favourite picture of us together, with the words:

“When I say I miss you, I really mean I miss your voice, I miss your laugh, I miss you next to me, I miss your jokes, I miss you holding my hands, I miss you teasing me. I miss you so much, you were worth every moment in my memories, you are always in my heart, I will miss you as long as I live: my soulmate.”

It took me a few days to be able to hang it. I broke down when I did. 

Im sorry that this weekend has been so rough for you. I get tiny glimpses of calm, think the worst is over, then I’m hit again. I suppose this is expected. Maybe for now we just all sit on the mountain together. Not really moving either way. Maybe that’s ok for a while. To watch the sunset on something until we’re ready to face a new day. 

Hugs to you. 
 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

When it comes to finding your soulmate, your true love, your one person,  the length of time you have together is in no way a measure of the depth of your love. Your heart knows what it knows!

Sadly, society at large often doesn't understand this.

Yes.  George was the love of my life, the person I clicked with, understood, related to, cared about and he felt the same about me!  It was very mutual, our spirits entwined with each other...length of time had nothing to do with it, it was a recognizing my person when I met him, it was never ever like that with anyone else, not in my 23 year marriage to my kids' dad, not with anyone!  Sometimes it's more "trying to make it work, trying to get along with, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole..."  And if you're particularly blessed, you meet that once in a life time soulmate!  To some they've experienced this again with another, the odds seem against it and I've never encountered anyone remotely I could connect with like George who CARES about me, my kids, etc.  Someone I mesh with.  I only knew George 6 1/2 years!  Married 3 years 8 months, to the day.  It could not have been more special, whether a year or 50!  We all wish for more...

[KayC]

2 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

right now it’s a constant reminder that he’s not with me

Getting use to a person (or animal) that we love and miss so deeply is so hard, everything is a reminder of their absence...gradually, so gradually as to see imperceptible, we get used to that absence and the triggers begin to subside...even the absence of the triggers themselves can seem a trigger!  In time it becomes more manageable.  You are still VERY EARLY on in this journey, some of the hardest place to be.  Sometimes shock, fog, shelter us a bit from it all, year two can come in like a roaring lion to remove all shock and lessen the fog some, and harsh reality can set in, there IS no set timeline for all though, it can move back and forth on this journey, like they say, three steps forward, two steps backwards...some days seems two forward, three backwards, but overall we somehow get through this.  With help from others on this journey with us.

 

[KayC]

I didn't find mountain climber when I searched for the article, but this is a great site with articles we can relate to, so if you haven't been there before, give it a try, see the index off to the side:
https://whatsyourgrief.com/blog/

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

and I've never encountered anyone remotely I could connect with like my George

Very true Kay...i'm struggling with that! Even if i appreciate the company of some male friends, there's no one who vaguely resembles my Giorgio....

I could never understand how people even friends may think you can easily replace a soulmate...

No way!

Only if you are very lucky, but very very lucky you may find another soulmate!

A soulmate is for a life !

[DWS]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I didn't find mountain climber when I searched for the article, but this is a great site with articles we can relate to, so if you haven't been there before, give it a try, see the index off to the side:
https://whatsyourgrief.com/blog/

I had to recall what I googled last night but it turns out it wasn't on What's Your Grief:

https://medium.com/transform-the-pain/take-it-one-day-at-a-time-tips-for-coping-with-grief-2-c2f42b523175

[KayC]

This is a good article, on taking a day at a time, a moment at a time, it's so important (to me) for survival, without being overwhelmed with anxiety!  It's how I've learned to survive...

[HisPumpkin]

I had somewhere I felt I needed to go today. The things we do to navigate grief, I guess. The woman was kind, did a reading that was eerily accurate. She also knew things about D, about us, that nobody knows, and I won’t share. That she couldn’t have known. I’m not really searchable online. The private things are anonymous, or locked down. I never was really sure where I stood with thoughts of such people, most of them are charlatans, but she was… ordinary, no frills. I watched for the usual tricks such people pull, and she didn’t pull any. 

Anyway, I had an hour with her, and she went way over time at no extra cost. When I left the room, then the shop, I looked in the window. Two little ducks had been placed either side of a little dragon statuette. The dragon statue was there when I went in, but not the ducks. So I went back in and bought them. I didn’t mention ducks in my time with her. 

D loved dragons, I’d already been thinking about buying that. But he also loved ducks. He raised two little babies, a few years back, Huey and Louie: before he realised they were girls, but he loved those ducks. He kept them indoors til they were big enough, let them play in the tub, and when he finally let them outside, he’d tell me that they’d take flight and he’d panic, thinking they were going to fly away, but they’d get to the boundary line of the yard, and drop to the ground, quacking like they were laughing at him. 

One of the things he really wanted, wherever we ended up living, was to get some more baby ducks. It’s about the only thing he was really set on, and so, I now have two little ducks on my mantle. Either side of the dragons. I think he’d get a kick out of that. 

These things are not him, and the grief is still there, as is the pain, it’s not something that can so easily heal. There are still endless tears, and will be many more, I expect. But small comforts come in the strangest of places. Like a little hidden gem of a shop in a downtrodden part of town, with a woman who brought me some semblance of peace, for now. So I will take the little signs I need to help me through.

She also answered some questions that have been haunting me, without me needing to ask. D’s words as I know he’d have spoken them came out of her mouth. 

There are things she told me, that he kept repeating. Husband. We never got to marry, but he was and is the husband of my heart. She knew his living situation, his relationship with his mother. Something I’ve been begging him for signs how to navigate. He told me, through her. She knew how he died, and she told me that it wasn’t my fault. That it was his time, because how it hit, if they’d saved him, he would have been irreparably damaged - and that wasn’t how he wanted to live. That he had wanted to live the rest of his days with me, and he had gotten that wish. But that it was simply his time. 

There are other things she said, that I am not ready to contemplate, but that I will remember going forward as I try to heal. Things I know he’d tell me. But it’s too raw, and too soon. 

I went to the cemetery after I saw her: walked around centuries old graves, cried. I found a little free library, and decided one of the ways I will honour his memory is to buy multiple copies of the book he illustrated and leave them in these places. 

Then I walked home, something drew me to the cinema. For the first time in my life I went in and watched a movie on my own. I cried through a lot of it, held my pendant tight in my hand, and I could envision his goofy dancing at some bits, hear his big ol’ belly laugh at others. Hear him comfort me at the sad bits. 

It’s the most I have done in a day since he passed. But I tried and I hope I made him proud. 

 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

For the first time in my life I went in and watched a movie on my own.

I can't tell you enough how proud I am of you, and I know he is too!  It takes a lot to put our toe into unfamiliar territory and go past our comfort zone, and you did just that!  That takes bravery and tells me you're going to make it...sure you'll have ups and downs, but you'll weather them and survive, because you have grit.  I see this today.

 

[HisPumpkin]

Today is harder. Today I’m a wreck. Today I miss him so much it’s a sucker punch. 

It keeps hitting me: he’s not coming back. And I miss him so so very much. 

[KayC]

It's weird how it strikes us differently one day to the next...I've learned to ride the waves of grief.  Much like a surfboard.

[HisPumpkin]

Today was D’s celebration of life. The family never did bother to get the tech together to allow me to attend virtually. They never offered to help me navigate getting there. 

I’ve sat thinking about how they’re doing it, who attended, what was said. What pictures they used, what music. Who spoke up of their memories of him. If they honoured him as he deserves. 

It’s hard, knowing for the last year of his life, I was his person, he was mine, and remains so. But I’m not there, excluded from sharing the joy of his life and shedding tears for the loss, with everyone else who ever travelled their paths with him. It feels wrong. 

I have sat, crying and talking to his picture, and tried to focus on all the joy he brought me. 

But as the ceremony drew to a close, on the other side of the world, I know there’s a storm raging. There was a tornado warning, and thunderstorms set for exactly this time. And as I sit here in my little bubble, I can hear a storm raging outside too. Rain was forecast, and it’s pouring, but the thunder started rumbling. So many miles between us, but the sky is crying for us both. 

It sounds silly, I suppose, but I think of him out there, out of reach, and I think he’s raging too, for all that was stolen from us. I just hope he forgives me for not being there, I hope he forgives me for not being able to save him. 

He was always so protective of me, he put me first in everything. One of those oldschool guys who wouldn’t even let me walk on the side closest to the traffic. Insisted on carrying everything. Would stop anything he was doing if I needed him, just because. Always telling me if anything was wrong, I needed to tell him, because he couldn’t fix what he didn’t know about, and we… in his words always… we were an us now, and we would get through anything and everything, together. He wouldn’t let me deal with anything alone, it was his one real rule in our relationship. Always, tackle everything together. 

I am so lost without him. 

This day is supposed to be one of the rituals you undertake to help you understand and accept someone’s passing. It doesn’t seem real to me. I still keep staring at the phone expecting him to call and the nightmare to end. I have no idea what to do for “closure”, if that’s even something possible when you lose your soulmate to death. 

So I will go to bed, watch our movie, What Dreams May Come, and ask him for the courage to find some way to live without him, until he comes to take me home again. 
 

[DWS]

Today would have been such torment for you to go through. I'm hoping that you're able to find a bit of peace now that the ceremony and the anticipation of it are over. That would have been exhausting!

[KayC]

Everything I posted yesterday is gone.  I don't know what happened!  They were down for a while, perhaps they did a restore to an earlier time. 

[DWS]

31 minutes ago, KayC said:

Everything I posted yesterday is gone.  I don't know what happened!  They were down for a while, perhaps they did a restore to an earlier time. 

Yes, I noticed that happened yesterday morning right after I posted a comment to one of the new topics. It didn't show up. Whatever happened seemed to have wiped out postings done in a 7 to 8 hour span. 

[HisPumpkin]

I got my necklace with D’s ashes today, a beautiful Crystal heart, the blue of his eyes, encased in a silver tree of life. 
I also got his sleeping bag and pillows, his mother put them in one of those airlock bags and when I opened it, his scent just enveloped me. I had a breakdown, I admit. I’m keeping the sleeping bag in the airlock bag so his scent doesn’t fade, so I can open it and breathe him in when I need to. The pillows I will sleep with. 

I don’t know if I’m making myself worse by doing these things or not. Still immersing myself in everything that was him. I don’t want to let go. 😢

[DWS]

4 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

I don’t know if I’m making myself worse by doing these things or not. Still immersing myself in everything that was him. I don’t want to let go. 😢

These are important physical items that help solidify the love connection that you have with D. Because of the very long distance that existed between the two of you, these help bring the closeness of him...his physical presence... to you that you desperately need for some comfort. For those who lived with their partners and spouses, that closeness and those reminders are all around.  Tom and I didn't live together but I'm so thankful for all of the items of his that he gave me over the years from his storage unit that he didn't need anymore...mostly power tools and outdoor lighting for my gardens. Every night, there is his long strand of mini-lights powered by a solar panel that seems to shine brighter than I remember on my Rose of Sharon. I treasure that.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

I’m keeping the sleeping bag in the airlock bag so his scent doesn’t fade, so I can open it and breathe him in when I need to.

I wish I'd known to do this when he died, no one warned me, a month later I was disheartened to see his scent was gone. ;(  Also my answering machine wiped out his voice in two weeks.

I had people's voices recorded on my current ans. machine, last night they wiped out, first time in forever.  My son-in-law from earlier days when he wasn't a poophead, my sister's voice, gone.   These things we can't get back.  So much for technology.  I've had this phone system forever and for the first time it does this!

 

[HisPumpkin]

26 minutes ago, DWS said:

These are important physical items that help solidify the love connection that you have with D. Because of the very long distance that existed between the two of you, these help bring the closeness of him...his physical presence... to you that you desperately need for some comfort. For those who lived with their partners and spouses, that closeness and those reminders are all around.  Tom and I didn't live together but I'm so thankful for all of the items of his that he gave me from his storage unit that he didn't need anymore...mostly power tools and outdoor lighting for my gardens. Every night, there is his long strand of mini-lights powered by a solar panel that seems to shine brighter than I remember on my Rose of Sharon. I treasure that.

Yes, the physicality I was kind of used to missing but when we had our countdown to the next adventure, and our goal for our “forever”, it was bearable. Now that’s gone… or maybe it isn’t it just feels like I’m on a countdown to death (again, not actively suicidal). But I have no idea when that might be, so I cling to the things I can. He did leave a lot here because he didn’t see the point to taking it home when he intended to move in a few months but I’d washed all his clothes and put them away, making space for him alongside my own things. I have his jeans which he’d painted dragons all over and he got a kick out of me wearing them, then I remember how he wanted to paint me a custom jacket. So many things he’ll never get to do. So I ride the rollercoaster between gratitude for what I do have and the pain of loss for what I don’t. I even found my tram ticket from the day I went to pick him up from the airport. A day we were so full of hope, joy and love. I can’t seem to let any tiny thing go. It’s funny, the little things that become so important. The lights for you I suppose will be a visual reminder that in some ways he is still very much right there with you. I’m glad you have those 💜

15 minutes ago, KayC said:

I wish I'd known to do this when he died, no one warned me, a month later I was disheartened to see his scent was gone. ;(  Also my answering machine wiped out his voice in two weeks.

I had people's voices recorded on my current ans. machine, last night they wiped out, first time in forever.  My son-in-law from earlier days when he wasn't a poophead, my sister's voice, gone.   These things we can't get back.  So much for technology.  I've had this phone system forever and for the first time it does this!

 

I’m so sorry Kay. I panicked in the first week and downloaded everything, backed it all up, photos, videos, voice clips. Our entire message history. I even played them all and recorded them on to my phone. It gives me panic attacks to think of losing them. Maybe there was a back up on your answer machine? In the manual it might tell you, or if you Google the device type? Hugs. 

[KayC]

No, no backup, you're supposed to have to TELL it to erase everything, I didn't, it just did it.   
When George died it was so sudden/unexpected, I was in shock and didn't have presence of mind for anything.

[HisPumpkin]

I hadn’t been able to contemplate cancelling the flight tickets for my planned visit to D the end of this month. It made it too real. 

I finally started trying in the last week or so. It’s been exceptionally traumatic. Trying and failing to get through on the phone. Trying email forms that tell me I need to call. The chat bot sending me around in circles. I finally got through today: they will give me a travel voucher to use by next September. 

Having to relate the circumstances and try not to fall apart on the phone, it just brings home the stark reality. He is not here anymore. He’s not there anymore. He’s never going to meet me at the airport. Show me his world. I just can’t  do this. He’s gone and it is so painful to face. My person. I just keep thinking how can he be gone? How could this have happened? I can’t even breathe through it again. I’m so lost. In this moment I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life and I can’t understand how he could just be there, then not. I don’t know how a person can feel this much pain and still be breathing. 

But I know so many do, somehow. 

Now I’ve cancelled the flights I feel even worse. It’s too real, too raw. Three weeks and I was supposed to be in his arms again. Now I’m broken and left screaming in the silence left behind: why did you leave me? 

It hurts so much. 

[KayC]

I can imagine how you're feeling, my heartt goes out to you.

 

[DWS]

38 minutes ago, HisPumpkin said:

I don’t know how a person can feel this much pain and still be breathing. 

I feel this so much too. Be gentle and kind to yourself today and I hope the world does that for you as well. 

[Canadagirl81]

Sending you love @HisPumpkin It’s a nightmare. I ask every single day how G could have left me here all alone. Just as the others have said, be kind and patient with yourself. I’m so sorry for your pain. 

[HisPumpkin]

I’ve been having a tough time, it’s still very early on the journey for me. Had the drs today, she doesn’t want me to even think about going back to work yet but I’m pretty aimless atm. Went to sit in the park for a bit, it started raining. The bench there is “our” bench, and I often sit there when I need a nature fix but can’t face going too far. I asked D to send me a rainbow. The sun came out but no rainbow. So I walked home and took a different route from normal. In a little front garden I saw this in a tree. 
D loved dragons, he was always creating beautiful art with them. It was a different kind of “rainbow” than I was expecting, but… a rainbow nonetheless. 
I miss my guy so much. 🌈🐉

[tnd]

Wow! That dragon has GOT to be your rainbow, all wrapped up into one! How lucky you are to have taken a different path today and see this. That really is worth a smile.