Lost my Dad unexpectedly

[Aduh]

My Dad unexpectedly passed away 12 days ago of heart failure while in his bed, and it feels like the pain of his loss will never stop. I’ve been experiencing all 5 stages of grief together on a daily basis and in different orders, and sometimes I feel numb. It feels like my life will never be the same again without him. Like he turned off a light and left, and life now looks a lot dimmer and feels pointless. I left Home and my whole family 11 years ago, so I haven’t been able to see him since. But we talked over the phone, texted, and sometimes video chatted. I’ve been missing him for the past 11 years but the hope of seeing him and my family again kept me going. Now I feel regretful for not spending more time with him and guilty for being so far away from him for so long even though I had to due to my pending immigration status. I don’t know what to do to reach acceptance. I just feel so depressed and I’ve lost interest in life. 
Any advice?

[Phoenix-Kat]

Hi Aduh, I am so very sorry for your loss! Reading your story almost struck me. It is so similar to mine. 
I too lost my dad to heart complications. He passed away by the end of February in the hospital. I am grieving and cry every day! I miss him so much!! It breaks my heart that I will never see my dear dad again.
Similarly to you, I moved to another country 6 years ago and I haven’t seen my parents since then. 
Except of phone calls, FaceTime etc.once in a while. I too was not able to leave the country due to immigration status for a while. But when I was able to, I planned my trip back home in 2020. Then Corona happened and since then  I wanted to wait until all is a bit better with the situation. 
My family did not tell me that my dad was in and out of the hospital during the past 6 years. They didn’t want me to worry. Each time he came home from the hospital. But this time he didn’t!! So his passing was a total shock!!! And I regret ever moving to this country. 

I miss and love him very much! And I just hope to see him again one day! 

I am so heartbroken and so depressed! 
 

 

[Valerie Lockhart]

Dear Aduh,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, we may feel guilty without really being guilty.

It seems so unfair that death should have the power to take away someone you love. And when it happens, the thought of never again being able to talk to, laugh with, or hold your loved one can be most difficult to bear. That pain is not necessarily erased by being told that your loved one is up in heaven.

The Bible, however, holds out a much different hope. The Scriptures indicate that it is possible to be reunited with your dead loved one in the near future, not in an unknown heaven but right here on earth under peaceful, righteous conditions. And at that time humans will have the prospect of enjoying perfect health, and they will never have to die again. ‘But surely that is wishful thinking!’ some may say. I've found comfort in reading Revelation 21:3,4 and John 5:21, 28, 29.

Cherish the memories you have of texting and video chatting with your father. You might find it therapeutic to collect pictures or mementos or to create a journal of events and stories you wish to recall. Store items that trigger pleasant memories and look through them later, when you feel ready. Now, is a good time to reach out to your other family members via telephone or letter to share your grief. Words have power. Think carefully about what you say, when you say it, and how you say it. Using a kind and well-thought-out approach is likely to be far more effective than an emotional outburst. “Pleasant sayings,” the Bible assures us, are “sweet to the soul and a healing to the bones.” (Proverbs 16:24)

I've also found that the best Friend a bereaved person can have is our Creator, Jehovah God. Pour out your heart to him in prayer because “he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7) Moreover, he promises that all who do so will have their thoughts and feelings soothed by “the peace of God that surpasses all understanding.” (Philippians 4:6, 7) Also, allow God to help you heal by means of his consoling Word, the Bible. Make a list of comforting scriptures such as Psalm 55:22; 1 Peter 5:7. You may even want to memorize a few of them. Having such thoughts to ponder over may be especially  helpful at night when you are alone and find it hard to sleep.—Isaiah 57:15.

May the God of comfort take hold of your hand Aduh and walk beside you during this time of grief. 

[Aduh]

17 hours ago, Phoenix-Kat said:

Hi Aduh, I am so very sorry for your loss! Reading your story almost struck me. It is so similar to mine. 
I too lost my dad to heart complications. He passed away by the end of February in the hospital. I am grieving and cry every day! I miss him so much!! It breaks my heart that I will never see my dear dad again.
Similarly to you, I moved to another country 6 years ago and I haven’t seen my parents since then. 
Except of phone calls, FaceTime etc.once in a while. I too was not able to leave the country due to immigration status for a while. But when I was able to, I planned my trip back home in 2020. Then Corona happened and since then  I wanted to wait until all is a bit better with the situation. 
My family did not tell me that my dad was in and out of the hospital during the past 6 years. They didn’t want me to worry. Each time he came home from the hospital. But this time he didn’t!! So his passing was a total shock!!! And I regret ever moving to this country. 

I miss and love him very much! And I just hope to see him again one day! 

I am so heartbroken and so depressed! 
 

 

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s heartbreaking losing a father and the pain is compounded when you’re so far away from Home and your family when it happens. When you spend so many years away thinking that you could one day go back and see him again, make new good memories together, and tell him all about your life, face to face. Losing the hope of seeing him again after 11 years of separation is what hurts the most. I understand your feeling of regret, but you didn’t know this would happen and couldn’t have predicted it. It was my biggest fear for years, but I always tried to reassure myself that it wouldn’t happen to me. Now that it had happened, I feel like nothing else matters anymore. I feel your pain and I totally relate to what you’re going through. Stay strong. 

[Phoenix-Kat]

Hi Aduh, thank you for your kind words. Yes, it hurts a lot being so far away and being able to be there for my dad and my whole family. I feel guilty about this for sure and my heart bleeds heavily! 
It hurts so much that I couldn’t see him for the last time, hugging him, kissing him and telling him how much I love him and thank him for him being a good father and everything he went through and did for the whole family. 
I wish I had the chance to tell him all this. 
 

You know, I will create a Journal to write letters to my dad. I will write everything I wasn’t able to tell him and I will write about all the good memories starting when I was very young. I am sure he will receive my letters in heaven. I am a spiritual person so I believe he is at peace now and in a better place where he does not Habenzinsen suffer anymore. This thought gives me solace. 
My dad was a courageous man and a good person. And his life was not always easy. 
To honour him and all he did for us family, I will become the best version of myself and live a life full of love, courage and (self) respect. 
I want him to be happy in heaven and not worry about me. 
 

Dad I love you and I miss you!!! 
 

I am sending lots of warmth and strength to you dear Aduh. 
Don’t forget to take care of yourself, ok?