Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Mac15

Recommended Posts

  • Members

This past week I attended a funeral of a friend of mine from high school who had committed suicide. I had gotten a call from her aunt the day after she died, I was one of the first outside her family to know. Her aunt asked me to spread the information to other friends of hers, of which there were so many. She and I weren't the closest, and met only a few times every year, but she was always open with me about her mental and physical health, and so was I. At the funeral, her dad told me that I was a good friend of hers, which I was kind of surprised about. She was such a friendly and outgoing person that it feels weird to call me a good friend when she had so many. I feel like I wasn't deserving of what her dad said, because I didn't help as much as I could have. I didn't ask her how she was doing enough, I didn't reach out enough. I didn't act like a good friend should act. I still feel like I need to text her and ask her if she is ok, and if we can meet for coffee sometime. 

It's hard to think that she won't be at our 5 year high school reunion, or the 10th, or the 50th. She won't get to see her baby niece grow up. She won't get to plant flowers and attend rallies and concerts. She won't laugh or smile again. Seeing her sisters in front of the coffin as it closed makes me think of my death, and if my sisters would cry the same way. 

I'm graduating nursing school in a few weeks, and I know that I will face much more death in my career. I thought I was prepared for it, but now I'm not so sure. I was taught that it was an honor to be with someone when they died, to help them have a peaceful death. But nothing is peaceful about this, and I don't know how to deal with it. 

Thank you, if you've read this far. I don't know what I want from this post, maybe advice? If there are any other nurses out there who have struggled with the thought of facing so much death. If there are other 20-somethings who've had their first major loss. Or maybe if there is someone who has a similar story. 

  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Mac15,

It is always so easy to blame ourselves, or think that we could have made things "better" or "easier" for the person who has passed, and that we didn't do enough or weren't attentive enough...even when we actually did everything we could or knew how to do, and never really had any actual control, authority or influence over the situation or over their own decisions and choices.

It's very difficult to have to bear our own guilt, whether or not it is a "deserved burden" that we are placing on ourselves.

On the other side, as you have also experienced, sometimes we are not even aware of the positive difference and contribution that we are making in the life of another. Perceptions and our own sense or interpretation of what is actually going on, aren't always fully accurate. It may sound hollow, or be of small or cold comfort, but I would think that your friend's father knew what he was talking about and meant what he said.

A couple of grief counselors with whom I have worked had specific grief training, so possibly that could be something you'd consider as part of your nurse's training. There is also some interesting neuroscience research being done, as far as how grief and the grieving process affects our neural networks. Two authors with whom I am familiar are Mary-Frances O'Connor (The Grieving Brain) and George Bonanno (The End of Trauma). For me dealing with my 'complicated grief' - which suicide does fall under - the more I learn about it, the less alone and like a freak I feel.

Wishing you a very successful and rewarding nursing career.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi, Mac15.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I can relate to your experience because I similarly lost a childhood friend to suicide when I was 20. We had been really close friends in middle school and although we went to different high schools, we kept in touch throughout the years. A month before he passed he called me and asked me to help him shop for and decorate his new apartment. I remember we had such a good time that day and he was so excited about his new chapter and moving out on his own. A month later a mutual friend calls me with the news and I went into a tailspin for the next couple months. I was plagued by the guilt of not reaching out enough, not noticing the signs, not being a better friend. I can honestly say I struggled with those thoughts for years after his death. It wasn’t until I began graduate school to become a counselor that I started to understand that while that guilt is natural and understandable, there’s nothing more I could have done. I could go back and forth with the “what ifs” but at the end of the day, it was a situation entirely out of my control, as hard as that is to accept. That acceptance didn’t come until I went through grief counseling for myself after losing several more loved ones. All of this to say, as someone who has been through a similar experience and works in a helping profession, seek help to process this and learn the tools to manage future losses that may come due to your profession. 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.