Widowed mother dating already

[breinDC]

Hi all- my story begins last July when my father passed away in a small plane crash. My family was completely devastated. I live on the east coast, whereas the rest of my family lives on the west coast. Last Christmas, my mother decided to come to my house for Christmas, where I found out she had a "friend". I pieced this together after she was constantly talking about this man. Mind you- it had been 5 months since my father passed. My mother did not come out with it, and I was the one who asked. Yes, he was her boyfriend she said. I was immediately upset, obviously. It felt jarring and horrific, and a huge betrayal. My mother and I have an extremely closwe relationship. She's always been my best friend. I told her fine- do what you want, I just don't want to hear about it right now. It's too painful. She consistently flouts my boundaries and today called to tell me about their Christmas plans. I was also informed that she's in love with him. Everyone tells me to be happy because my mother's happy but I feel betrayed. He lives with my mom essentially M-F, and my grandparents are going to move into that house soon, too. My little sister still lives there as well. I feel betrayed by my family and no longer a part of the family I once knew. I am so sad. According to my mother, I'm the one funamentally changing our relationship. I feel left out to dry by my mother since I've been the one supporting her my whole life. She's choosing this person she has known for mere months knowing it is hurting her daughter. Now, I have lost my mother too it seems, since my anger is apparently completely unjustified. I've never told her how to live, I just couldn't handle it right then. Apparently that's unacceptable and I'm ruining the relationship. 

[reader]

Dear breinDC,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can understand feeling hurt and sad and disappointed in your mom for moving on so soon after your beloved dad passed. Please know we all deal with our grief differently. It's still very raw for you and no one wants to see their father replaced so easily. Give yourself some more time and maybe consider talking to a grief counsellor. I know for myself I was angry about my dad's passing for two years and now even 5 years later I still struggle. I hope with more time and patience and understanding you are able to heal your relationship with your mom.

[Connelly]

My mum and my dad had been split up for over 20 years, but they eventually became friends again, best friends. My mum was living with my grandad, he died and mum had to move so my dad took her in.

My dad got with someone else not long after this and when the pandemic hit she too moved in, it’s wasn’t long until mum was being forced out.

Mum died last February and only a few months after this Dad got engaged, before we even scattered mum’s ashes he was selecting a date and booking a venue. Even though my mum and dad were separated I felt so angry at how quickly he was moving on with his life when me and my sister were, and still are, going through the worst time of our lives.

He’s barely known this women for more than a year and yet she’s getting priority over his grieving son and daughter?

They tried to arrange a meal so we could meet the fiancée’s family, my sister and I wanted no part of it, it was overwhelming, it felt like ‘your mum’s dead here’s your new family’.

I have told him how I feel and he says things like “if your mum’s death has taught us anything it’s that life’s too short” or “life goes on” or “it’s not our fault your mum died” that last one hurt the most.

My sister and I cannot get any time alone with our dad anymore, the fiancée is always there, she was even there when dad told us mum had died, the most devastating moment of our lives did not need this stranger spectating. She was there all that day when we were trying to grieve, she was at the funeral and has been there at almost every occasion when we just want to be with our dad. Since mum died there have been just 6 times when it was just me, dad and my sister, two were funeral arranging and one was the ashes scattering and I actually had to ask him not to bring his fiancée to that.

When I cracked in January and spent an entire morning explaining this to him with tears running down my face the best he could offer us was one day out a month but not during holidays or evenings and never during the weekends “the weekends are for him and the fiancée”. I jumped on this at the time but looking back why should we have to adhere to those conditions? We’ve just lost our mum he should be there for us whenever we need him. Not that it mattered anyway, we got one day out in January, nothing in February and in March…. Well that’s a whole other post in itself.

Our relationship with our dad is in tatters, I do not see a way forward and we are not going to the wedding.

My sister and I have had to question ourselves so much over all this, asking ourselves are we being unreasonable? Asking for too much time? Are we being unfair? Do we just move on? It’s maddening to be in this situation, that we’ve been made to feel like the aggressors in all this.

 

Your mum and dad were together and mine were not, that must be so much harder and I am sorry. I have no advice to give but the pain, the sadness, the anger, I get it and it’s unbearable.

[minrelation]

It's completely understandable to feel a range of emotions when a widowed parent starts dating again. While it might feel sudden or unexpected, it's important to remember that everyone copes with grief and loss differently. Your mother's decision to start dating doesn't diminish the love she had for your late father; it simply means she's ready to open her heart to new possibilities and companionship.

As her child, it's natural to have concerns about how this new relationship might impact your family dynamic or your memories of your father. However, it's crucial to approach the situation with an open mind and communicate openly with your mother about your feelings. Expressing your concerns and fears in a respectful and understanding manner can help foster a deeper understanding between you both.

Ultimately, your mother's happiness and emotional well-being are paramount. Supporting her decision to explore new relationships can strengthen your bond as a family and help her navigate this challenging transition in her life. Remember, it's okay to take things one step at a time and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if needed.

[KayC]

Grest advice, but this is an old thread from 2022...