I don’t know how to live without my dog

[hollysmom]

I rescued my baby girl from a shelter when she was 9 and she had cancer and neurological issues. She was the cutest thing I’d ever seen. I was told she had 6 months to live, and I went crazy trying to find every supplement, the perfect diet, changing my entire environment for her. To the vet’s shock, Holly went into remission. And became my baby. A 10lb little poodle with no fear and the sweetest, most perfect dog I ever met. I can’t describe how much I love this dog. Everything that touched her had to be natural and organic. I didn’t like anyone even getting near her because I was so protective. Two minutes away from her and I already couldn’t stand it. 
 

she adapted instantly to everything. I remember the first time I put her in her wheelchair and she shot right off! She never asked for anything. All she ever wanted was to sit on my lap. The feeling of pulling her into my arms and holding her close every night was the biggest joy of my life. Without her it feels like I’m always floating, waiting for her, like I can never go home, because she was my home. 
 

she went downhill suddenly and unexpectedly, 4.5 years after I got her. I had to have her put to sleep. Each day I’m alive is a nightmare. Almost 2 months later and I’m still trying to find a way for this to be a lie. I don’t want to live in a world with no Holly. She was everything. I’ve never loved anything in the world even a fraction as much. She was a part of my body. I used to always pick her up and kiss her and ask her to become one with me, because I never felt she was close enough. I love her so much I would watch her videos and look at her photos while sitting with her. I’m not alive without her. I don’t want to be here. The idea I can never hold her again and smell her beautiful scent makes me wish I could hurry and die.

 

I spent my whole life feeling like half a person. Until I found her. She completed me. She made everything seem worth it, made every bad day into a good one. There is no more light in my life. I’m angry and bitter can’t see a reason to live being this miserable. 

[KayC]

OMG, she's so tiny!  How adorable!  I understand.

[KayC]

Cancer got my sweet beautiful Arlie too, he didn't have it when I got him but being half Husky, half Golden Retriever...well it's very much in the Golden Retriever's genes, I lost another one years ago from that (also had him put to sleep).  My Arlie had lifelong acute chronic colitis, I cooked for him, getting up to 140 lbs, that's a lot of cooking!  My food bill was as high for him as it was for me.  I had him on Milk Thistle for liver support, CBD oil for pain/anxiety during the cancer, and SAM-e for mood elevation during same, as well as Probios for dogs, and fish oil his life long.  I also cooked egg shells and ground into powder to mix into his food for nutrition.  I'd have done anything for him!  We walked twice/day every day, no matter the weather!  Only time I couldn't was the snowpocalypse (2/24/19) as I couldn't shovel the snow, it was too cold/hard, 4'5" overnight!  I was so worried about him then as the front yard had storm devastation and I was afraid he'd hurt himself on a staub covered with snow.  

It's amazing how they become our lives, our very breath!  I've never known love any greater!  Now I feel that bond with my little Kodie.  But no one replaces Arlie, he was one of a kind, so goofy, so fun!  That ever present smile, only gone through the worst of his suffering.    And even then he tried.

[hollysmom]

I have been reading a lot of the posts on here and have read about your close bond with Arlie. I can see why you love him so much. It sounds like he was such a sweetie. You know you really love someone when you spend most of your time cooking for them instead of yourself. You seem like a much stronger person than me with all that you have been through.

It wasn’t cancer that ended up taking my girl, but something equally terrible. I’ve had many dogs before this who I loved dearly but losing them didn’t feel like this. I just feel scared all that time, that I’m completely gone now. I have another dog at home who I usually adore, and I do love him still, but it’s muted. I try holding him in my arms and he gives me kisses but it doesn’t comfort me at all. I feel nothing. It’s like I’ve lost the ability to care at all about anyone around me. It feels as if all of who I was left with her and there’s nothing left. There’s a couple other dogs I know who I usually really like but now I feel nothing when I see them. Maybe there is no hope for me if I’ve come this low. All I think about is dying and seeing her again. It was just me, Holly, and my 2 other dogs. But she was what I was living for. She is the reason I got up each day. I don’t know how people get through this. I have no energy to shower. 
 

How do I get through this? Her loss is so physical to me. I can feel it with every part of my body. I needed her. Will I ever stop wanting to die? 

[foreverhis]

On 4/18/2022 at 8:00 AM, hollysmom said:

I’ve had many dogs before this who I loved dearly but losing them didn’t feel like this.

On 4/18/2022 at 8:00 AM, hollysmom said:

I feel nothing. It’s like I’ve lost the ability to care at all about anyone around me. It feels as if all of who I was left with her and there’s nothing left.

This is just my experience, so take it for what it's worth.  When we lose those with whom we share a cell-deep bond, they do take pieces of our hearts with them.  How can it be otherwise?  It's not surprising at all that your heart is shattered or that you are unable to feel your love for your other dogs.  Right now, everything is buried under your pain and loss.

For my husband and me, there were two fur babies (one dog and one cat) who were special above all others.  That's not to say that we didn't (or that I don't) love every animal in our lives.  Of course we did and I do.  But we who have found a "soul dog" or "soul cat" know a love on a deeper level.

For me that was our Keeshond Charlie Bear; for my husband that was our red tabby Persian Penny.  We brought them home as puppy and kitten; Charlie first and then Penny 2 months later.  We lost Charlie of a pulmonary embolism at 14-1/2 and it was absolutely the worst loss either of us had experienced. John told our daughter; he could barely speak through his sobs.  I told my baby sister and my mom, who adored him and whom he adored.  I could barely choke out the words before I completely lost it again.  The pain was like nothing I could have imagined.  Neither John nor I expected how much it would hurt or how long we would grieve.  And it was so hard to watch Penny grieve for her canine "big brother."  When we lost Penny 4-1/2 years later, it almost felt as if our world had ended.  Our grief was so deep that it affected our medical conditions for weeks, maybe months. 

What you're feeling and not being able to feel right now is not surprising to me.  I doubt it's surprising to any of us here.  You will get sick of hearing this, if you're not already, but all you can do right now is take one day or even one hour at a time.  I wouldn't be surprised if your other two dogs are grieving Holly's loss too.  They need you to help them through it and, if you let them, they can help you too. I don't know quite how to say this without sounding like a cliche, but I urge you to try not to blame yourself for having trouble feeling love for your other sweethearts right now.  Our feelings in deep grief are neither good nor bad, they simply are.

On 4/18/2022 at 8:00 AM, hollysmom said:

There’s a couple other dogs I know who I usually really like but now I feel nothing when I see them.

That's not surprising either.  It's still difficult for me to see happy couples sometimes, especially ones who are obviously older than John (71) and I (then 60) were.  I think maybe right now your heart and mind are trying to protect you.  Feeling numb is a type of self defense, I think. 

On 4/18/2022 at 8:00 AM, hollysmom said:

Will I ever stop wanting to die? 

Again, I can only speak for myself and maybe your question is rhetorical.  It's not so much that I wanted to die as that I didn't care about living after John died.  It took more than 2 years, but as I started to figure out how to carry my grief as part of my life, instead of it crushing me, I also started to care about living again.  I do worry about the future and sometimes dread the idea of living into my 90s, as women in our family often do.  I don't fear death, though I do fear being a burden, being alone, and possibly suffering at the end.  But I also don't actively hope I die soon either.  As first, I'd "bargain," as in "Okay, honey, I can live as long as it takes to get everything taken care of for the girls.  Then you need to come get me."  After a while, I felt more like, "I can make it until our wonderful granddaughter is in college, but then I want to be finished here and be with you again." 

I think you will find that time slowly helps you too.  In the meantime, please keep coming here to talk, question, rant, or even "scream" if that's what you need to make it to through the day and to the next one.

[KayC]

foreverhis already covered this, but your grief is normal for loss of someone so integral a part of your life and heart.  People don't understand my grief over my sister, but we were part of each other's daily lives.  The difference between loss of pet and loss of human is unique though, our pets love us unconditionally and are so good at showing love, forgiveness!  They depend on us like a child, and seem so innocent, so it's no wonder we FEEL that parent/child bond with them!

Arlie was a very unique dog, one of a kind, his vivacious spirit and goofiness, that always present smile, it was truly amazing, what sets him apart.  I'd have done anything for him.

I love Kodie just as deeply, which I had not thought possible, but in DIFFERENT ways!  He is always wherever I am, very attached to me.  I've been told when I leave him for a bit with someone, that he watches at the window/gate for my return.  He is my world.  Arlie was my world also.  I wonder if it's affected by my being home with them all of the time, my aloneness, where I am in life, I don't know, I only know that although I have loved each and every one, these two are my closest companions.  And I'm still missing Kitty, it's been 27 1/2 months she's been gone...I don't think I realized how much I loved her until she was gone!  She also was very unique, cranky, cantankerous, demanding, loud, but I understood her and related to her with what she'd been through.  If you haven't read their stories, they are here...

If

 

[CharliesM0m2012]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Holly sounded like a special girl.  I have just lost my eldest 4 paw best friend + the loss feels very physical + it’s pain like I have never felt before.  I am physically shaking + often struggling to breathe because I can’t believe Charlie’s gone.  She was nine.  She had not been eating and had lost a lot of weight.  Sadly Charlie was found to have splenic tumours that had spread into her liver and they had started bleeding.  Charlie’s illness was too advanced to pursue any type of treatment so the decision was taken to peacefully have her PTS on 30 April 2022.  Our hearts are breaking.  Poor Charlie.  But here’s the previous parts of our story … 

My female Patterdale x Jack Russell puppy came home in December 2012 aged 16 weeks, having been born in the August.  I called her Charlie.  Charlie was an energetic, cheeky and sweet black, wavy haired terrier girl with pointy fruit bat ears and lovely glossy claws, she was our little princess.  She loved her walks, playing with balls and food.  She would collect the bright yellow tennis balls and she could be very possessive of them if they squeaked - I think she thought they were neon puppies!  Charlie’s hair type meant she went to the grooming salon every 3 months, being a girl dog, an outing she loved.  
 

We used to take Charlie on walks to a local park up until one day when she was aged 3, when she was bitten on the leg by a naughty German Shepherd.  Luckily Charlie didn’t draw blood or have any serious injury.  But from that day we stopped walking in the local park and we went walks in a park a little further away.  Charlie relished her walks at this other park.  There was a lake with ducks + geese, log levvies, log bridges and a little tea room.  Later that year, I bought home our 2nd puppy, a little Jack Russell boy named Perry, he’d been born in October 2015.  Charlie at first was a little shocked and a bit jealous of the new arrival, but soon proved to be the best big sister.  The pair would curl up and sleep together.  My family was complete, with my pair of cuties.

The pandemic of 2020 hit; and we were not getting out for walks every day due to the ever-changing restrictions and rule changes, luckily we have a massive garden, so Charlie and Perry kept busy and I feel now the lockdowns were a blessing in disguise as I am thankful for all of that time I got to spend with them, Charlie especially. 

Towards the end of 2022 / early 2022, I noticed Charlie was more reluctant to go for a walk and she would be spooked by the slightest noise.  If a bang, firework, clatter, etc sounded even in the distance she would lose interest in being out and want to come home.  Soon 2022 was in full swing and the renovations on our house had moved into the roofing phase.  The knocking and banging, I could tell, upset my sweet Charlie girl, who at this point was 9, and she’d gone quieter.  When I told my dad of my concern for her, and that I wanted the building work to stop for her sake, he said “she is old now, shes 9.  Have you seen any of her brothers or sisters being walked recently…?”  Charlie’s siblings all still lived close and the honest answer was I had only seen one of her siblings being walked and it was last year.  For a while relatives were telling me Charlie’s reluctance to eat her meals, partake in walks and socialise was down to the distress of having building work on the home she loved.  I was so hoping our vet would say the same thing, but sadly, after extensive blood tests and a thorough scan, Charlie’s serious cancer was diagnosed.  We decided not to prolong her suffering and it was a Saturday, 30 April 2022 she was peacefully guided over Rainbow Bridge. 
 

Me and my family are in bits.  Charlie and I did so much together and the evenings are the hardest and when I feel the most of her absence.  She would curl up next to me and watch TV, etc.  Charlie also slept with me and loved to curl up on the bed.  
 

I am devastated and I don’t know what I am going to do 😞
 

  
 

[CharliesM0m2012]

* I was meant to say towards the end of 2021 / 2022 was when I noticed the change in Charlie - excuse my typing error, I’m still in tears! 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss....I lost my "soulmate in a dog," Arlie, 2 2/3 years ago, then 4 1/2 months later my 25 year old Kitty, that after being widowed all too young Father's Day 2005.  My son brought me a puppy conceived when Arlie died, born on my birthday!  God even furnished his name and confirmed it to me, no doubt he was meant for me and a lifesaver!

I hope this brings you some thoughts of comfort and peace:

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

 

 

[Eternalsoul]

@hollysmom

It truly sucks. The only things that get me through is Faith in God and Faith I'll see them again. 

Keep in mind that you rescued her and you showed her true love. That is something she won't ever forget. 

We all die from our physical body. There's no way around it. True love never dies as I've said so many times. 

After they leave their bodies they don't die. 

She's such a cutie. You gave her another chance at life. Now she is young, healthy and not in any pain. She's where there's nothing but joy and love. 

[CharliesM0m2012]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss....I lost my "soulmate in a dog," Arlie, 2 2/3 years ago, then 4 1/2 months later my 25 year old Kitty, that after being widowed all too young Father's Day 2005.  My son brought me a puppy conceived when Arlie died, born on my birthday!  God even furnished his name and confirmed it to me, no doubt he was meant for me and a lifesaver!

I hope this brings you some thoughts of comfort and peace:

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

 

 

* I was meant to say towards the end of 2021 / 2022 was when I noticed the change in Charlie - excuse my typing error, I’m still in tears! 
 

@hollysmomCharlie had been with us since she was a 16 week old puppy and since I was 22 with my 1st post-grad job, I’m now 32.  She stayed w/ us for the best part of ten years; I’m so broken right now.  

[Eternalsoul]

@hollysmom

Not many people would rescue a dog that requires more care but you did. You gave her a new life. You showed her unconditional love. You prevented her from loneliness and heartache of being in a shelter. 

We all have a time when we have to go. I wanted to die, too. I realized I have my other pets who need me. That would be incredibly selfish. Holly would be very disappointed if you did anything to hurt yourself so please do not. 

When you're ready maybe you can rescue another dog and you can ask Holly to help you pick one. This isn't goodbye please don't ever think it is.

It just totally sucks because they aren't here in their physical bodies. Don't ever feel alone because you're not and she's watching over you. 

 

[CharliesM0m2012]

I’ve got to stay strong for Perry, 6.  He’s been left an only dog.  He has me, he has my dad.  My sister + mother visit sometimes.  I don’t know how I will cope back in work tomorrow.  I have booked the week after off to try to process what is going on.  

[Eternalsoul]

@CharliesM0m2012

It is a long process. I also find that people in daily life don't really know what to say and aren't as empathetic as people on this site. 

Some people just don't understand the pain and torture. This is a great place to talk about it. It can hurt and be very annoying when people in our life don't seem to get it. They just brush it off. 

True love never dies. 

[hollysmom]

@Eternalsoul

Thank you for your kind words. I’m trying my best.

@foreverhis

Your words really helped me get through a few tough days. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. 
 

@CharliesM0m2012

im so sorry for your loss. It’s just devastating because they rely on us and we feel completely responsible for everything that happens to them. That sounds like hemangiosarcoma.  It seems to be so common these days. My dog Baki passed from that almost 6 years ago, and he had similar signs to your Charlie, but I always came up with excuses of why the signs didn’t mean anything serious. This is because we love them so deeply our brains cannot imagine the worst. 
 

they are always there with us in every part of our lives so when they leave it’s like our lives end too and we have to start living a new, darker life. I’m wishing you strength to get through the days ahead. 

[KayC]

EternalSoul, I love the poems you posted, it's comforting to think upon their being here with us in spirit.  It's been 2 3/4 years Arlie's been gone and 2 1/2 years since Kitty's been gone, nearly 6 years for Miss Mocha, I still talk to them.  People'd think I was nuts.  Kodie is used to it.

 

[hollysmom]

I just had someone in a pet grief support group tell me to stop dwelling on the loss of my dog and move on because dogs don’t live forever. It’s amazing how simple words from a stranger can set me back right into the hole of deep depression I had been slowly trying come out of.

[CharliesM0m2012]

When I lost Jericho 6 years ago I was told “Jericho is in the past,” by someone.  Everyone’s gonna have their own opinion, if you’ve met one grieving person you’ve met one grieving person 

[hollysmom]

Unfortunately I’ve always had a problem with letting other people’s words affect me too much and I’ve never been able to change that about myself. Gosh, if I had someone say my dog was “in the past,” I’d probably have a heart attack. I never let go of the dogs I’ve lost, even though I “go on,” I am always less than what I once was.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, hollysmom said:

I just had someone in a pet grief support group tell me to stop dwelling on the loss of my dog and move on because dogs don’t live forever. It’s amazing how simple words from a stranger can set me back right into the hole of deep depression I had been slowly trying come out of.

Clearly that person does not belong in a pet grief support group.  I simply can't bring myself to type the nasty words that come to mind, but I'm sure you get the idea.  That is intentionally hurtful and just plain cruel!

I don't imagine these simple words from this stranger will help all that much, but I am so sorry you had to go through that in a place that should have been nothing but helpful and comforting.  Your Holly was an adorable sweetheart who was lucky to have you for her family.  You gave each other a priceless treasure: Unconditional love and acceptance.  TBH, your description of how you put her in her wheelchair, how she instantly adapted, and went zooming, made me smile and even chuckle a little picturing it.  What a wonderful joy she was in your life.  Please try to hold onto the idea that she will be waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge, some day when it's your time, and you will be together forever. ((HUGS))

[KayC]

16 hours ago, hollysmom said:

I just had someone in a pet grief support group tell me to stop dwelling on the loss of my dog and move on because dogs don’t live forever.

  I'm amazed at people's idiotic ignorance!  I'm so sorry!  Please let go of whatever she said!  And the leader didn't refute that?  I'd look for another group!  That would NEVER happen under my watch!  I'd set the person straight and make handouts for the next meeting of what to say/what NOT to say to a griever!  That person needs an education, seriously!  I'd be the one to give it!  Damn!  People...

16 hours ago, hollysmom said:

Unfortunately I’ve always had a problem with letting other people’s words affect me too much and I’ve never been able to change that about myself.

I hope you'll work on developing your self-esteem, valuing yourself and YOUR opinions!  Whether you're a believer or not, these can be helpful to quote 1/day to yourself...we did the same thing when I was director for Prism Weight Loss years ago, it was the first I'd heard of doing that, and believe it or not, it helped.  I had a positive affirmation tape I'd play while exercising.  I've learned to place value on what I've learned in my lifetime, it's all been costly enough!   Sending you much love and I believe in YOU!
50 Biblical Affirmations That Will Change Your Life - GABBYABIGAILL

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I simply can't bring myself to type the nasty words that come to mind

Haha, I think I said them for you! 

Helpful-NOT!
5 Things NOT to Say to Someone Who is Grieving - Grief In Common

 

 

[hollysmom]

@foreverhis

Your words always bring me comfort and make me feel like this is such a safe space, and that I will be understood here and not judged. It really means a lot to me. You put a smile on my face, because I remember chuckling too when she zoomed off in her little wheelchair. Thank you. 
 

@KayC

It seemed strange to me too.

I had asked if anyone had a pet they felt was their “soulmate,” which is when this person made the comment that I should stop dwelling on this one dog because I should already know dogs don’t live forever, and that I should move on. I think she didn’t like that I have special feelings for one dog in particular, even though I explained that I do love my other dogs very much. Either way, I think this defeats the purpose of a support group. I can’t be the only one there mourning a specific pet. 

Your words made me smile, though.

I will try my best to work on my self-esteem. I know it’s something I need to do. Thank you for always taking the time to respond to me. 

[foreverhis]

@hollysmom  I'm glad that my words give you a small comfort.  You are absolutely in a safe place here.  We want to help in whatever little ways we can.  We've been there; we are here with you. 

@KayC  You did and I appreciate it, though there was one other that came to mind which I do not use in public, ever, that I felt described the thoughtless idiot who said that.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, hollysmom said:

I had asked if anyone had a pet they felt was their “soulmate,”

I always called my Arlie my "soulmate in a dog," I got him early  2009 after losing Lucky a few months earlier and my husband 3 1/2 years before.  He was my perfect dog, sweet, beautiful, a gentle giant, did Husky talk, was the best communicator of any dog I've ever seen, highly evolved communication with a very tonal language, he was so considerate, so funny and goofy!  He'd make up games to play with me!  I needed the smiles he brought.

Yes, paws above the rest.

[hollysmom]

@KayC Arlie sounds like such a special dog. I can feel the vibrant presence he brought with just your descriptions of him. ❤️

[KayC]

I'd painted rocks for his grave, one was a grey pickup I always called Arlie's truck as I'd take him for rides in it, it had him in the back end, his Husky tail curled up, his tongue hanging out, happy, perky ears!  The weatherproofing I'd used didn't work so they've been on the front porch, I found someone who paints rocks for outside and asked her if she could weather protect them.  I got them back yesterday.  She asked me if my grandchildren had painted them!    Shows how good I am at it.  Oh well, they're meaningful and most of all, a message to honor my Arlie.

Funny, I think of Arlie always as my soulmate in a dog, but Kodie is every bit as special.  I felt forgotten by my kids yesterday, my son called but he'd invited his dad up (on Mother's Day?), my daughter didn't ever call even.  But to Kodie, every day is Mother's Day, he lives to please me.  Such a sweet little guy I can always count on to love me.

[hollysmom]

It’s really nice to be able to find ways to honor our soul dogs like that. I’m glad you found Kodie and that he can give you unconditional love. There’s nothing compared to when a dog treats you with complete trust and devotion. It really makes you feel so special and important. They’re there for you always, when sometimes the humans in your life are not. 

[CharliesM0m2012]

Not everyone will share the same schools of thought as you, that’s totally fine.  A few hours after Charlie’s passing my 90yr old grandmother (on my mom’s side) was chatting away about the whole spectre of cancer, death, dying and she seemed to relay a statement from a Pope or a Catholic priest about “animals having no soul.”  As you can imagine my mother wasn’t very impressed this expression was bought up at such a sad time and I was crying and in a right state having just lost my little girl, so I didn’t have the energy to challenge what my grandmother said.  I later said to my mom on the quiet that there’s a time and a place to express conflicting views. 

[CharliesM0m2012]

On 5/9/2022 at 3:06 PM, KayC said:

I'd painted rocks for his grave, one was a grey pickup I always called Arlie's truck as I'd take him for rides in it, it had him in the back end, his Husky tail curled up, his tongue hanging out, happy, perky ears!  The weatherproofing I'd used didn't work so they've been on the front porch, I found someone who paints rocks for outside and asked her if she could weather protect them.  I got them back yesterday.  She asked me if my grandchildren had painted them!    Shows how good I am at it.  Oh well, they're meaningful and most of all, a message to honor my Arlie.

Funny, I think of Arlie always as my soulmate in a dog, but Kodie is every bit as special.  I felt forgotten by my kids yesterday, my son called but he'd invited his dad up (on Mother's Day?), my daughter didn't ever call even.  But to Kodie, every day is Mother's Day, he lives to please me.  Such a sweet little guy I can always count on to love me.

I hope one day I can help another pet have a happy, fulfilling life.  It’s so good you have the companionship of Kodie, he sounds like the ultimate best friend.

Charlie and me were never far apart and I miss that closeness + companionship.   I haven’t ruled out the possibility of giving another pet a home + a good life but people have told me it’s too soon, I agree it’s too soon.   

[CharliesM0m2012]

On 5/6/2022 at 4:06 AM, foreverhis said:

Clearly that person does not belong in a pet grief support group.  I simply can't bring myself to type the nasty words that come to mind, but I'm sure you get the idea.  That is intentionally hurtful and just plain cruel!

I don't imagine these simple words from this stranger will help all that much, but I am so sorry you had to go through that in a place that should have been nothing but helpful and comforting.  Your Holly was an adorable sweetheart who was lucky to have you for her family.  You gave each other a priceless treasure: Unconditional love and acceptance.  TBH, your description of how you put her in her wheelchair, how she instantly adapted, and went zooming, made me smile and even chuckle a little picturing it.  What a wonderful joy she was in your life.  Please try to hold onto the idea that she will be waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge, some day when it's your time, and you will be together forever. ((HUGS))

Some people may say things like that because they want to appear to be more resilient than others, when in fact, they’re only masking how genuinely upset they are.  I don’t know a person who hasn’t been affected by the loss of a relative or a pet.  Grieving for a loved one is just as raw as the time they passed and to be honest, covering up how you genuinely feel just puts off a storm of random crying, feelings of depression, feeling at a loss without the person/pet.   

[KayC]

6 hours ago, CharliesM0m2012 said:

she seemed to relay a statement from a Pope or a Catholic priest about “animals having no soul.”

My mom was quick to assert that to everyone!  I didn't see why she felt such a need to cram it down everyone's throat.  I find way more who attest they DO go to heaven!  I guess it depends on how you define soul.  Dogs don't need "salvation/saving" in the way people do.  THIS is what I ascribe to!
 

Seriously, there ARE animals in heaven (the lion shall lay down with the lamb...I don't see why God would have a random lion and lamb there but not my Arlie!), that's enough for me.  I have read plenty that reflect this..

[KayC]

6 hours ago, CharliesM0m2012 said:

Some people may say things like that because they want to appear to be more resilient

My mom was very dogmatic...it made her little world easier to have her set beliefs and shove them in people's faces, when in fact, it would have been much more helpful for her to have some empathy.  And you are so right, that was NOT the time for dissenting dogma.

[hollysmom]

8 hours ago, CharliesM0m2012 said:

Some people may say things like that because they want to appear to be more resilient than others, when in fact, they’re only masking how genuinely upset they are.  I don’t know a person who hasn’t been affected by the loss of a relative or a pet.  Grieving for a loved one is just as raw as the time they passed and to be honest, covering up how you genuinely feel just puts off a storm of random crying, feelings of depression, feeling at a loss without the person/pet.   

I just think some people aren’t as bonded to their pets as other people. It’s not that they don’t love them, but they do see them simply as pets. I’ve run a pet sitting business for over eleven years so I’ve seen the different levels of love people have for their pets—it really varies.

[CharliesM0m2012]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

My mom was very dogmatic...it made her little world easier to have her set beliefs and shove them in people's faces, when in fact, it would have been much more helpful for her to have some empathy.  And you are so right, that was NOT the time for dissenting dogma.

My grandmother’s Roman Catholic faith is very strong; she was a weekly church goer pre-Covid_19, she went to masses, she went on 1 pilgrimage to Lourdes.  Her beliefs stem from ancestors who were also RC and I know her beliefs stem from the very first bible.  Tbh at first I left what she said about “animals having no soul” unchallenged because I was in floods of tears and in a state, but she’s 90 + she obviously didn’t realise that statement, that belief is now out dated! 

[hollysmom]

Gosh, I hate the way I’ve become these days. I have AVPD, so I’ve always sort of “overreacted” to other people’s opinions, but now with my girl gone I’ve become so much worse. Any small comment from someone seems to send me into an anxiety attack and make me want to die. I so wish it wouldn’t affect me this way. Holly was like my emotional support dog, to an extent I didn’t even realize. One of my biggest triggers these days seems to be other people telling me how I should feel. I never knew grief could be so physical, or make me feel like I’m totally losing it. I just wish I could escape my own mind. I hate that I let other people affect me so much. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, CharliesM0m2012 said:

she’s 90 + she obviously didn’t realise that statement, that belief is now out dated! 

And in her 90s she's not likely to change!  Best left unchallenged or just request the subject not be raised again.  She needs to honor your pain, not cause more, no matter her age.  My mom would never change or consider anyone else's feelings so it was a losing challenge.

19 hours ago, hollysmom said:

I have AVPD

Oh, this helps me understand better (Avoidant Personality Disorder).   Is there treatment for it or does it just cause you continual struggle?  Some people think I must be doing something wrong or my blood sugar wouldn't be as high as it is (I have a mysterious condition that is causing it) or I wouldn't struggle with my BP being too high, I constantly work at it and am on three Rxs for it, in spite of weighing 110, doing deep breathing, walking twice/day, getting enough sleep, prayer/meditation.  We all get handed what we get in our genes, it doesn't mean we do anything wrong that brings this on, society is just quick to judge, slow to understand.  At least my insulin resistance is well reversed, that's a huge feat! (needs to be under 1.5, mine is 1.1).  

I also know anxiety, I've had GAD since I was a little girl!  I went on Buspirone/Buspar in 2008 to take the edge off (very mild, not an SSRI, which I didn't want), will likely take it the rest of my life.  Some judge me, say I "just need to trust God!"  Trust me, I know all the anxiety/trusting verses in the Bible!  It's not that I don't trust, it's that it's a PHYSICAL condition, my mom had it too and two of my sisters, don't know my brother enough to know if he does or not.

19 hours ago, hollysmom said:

I hate that I let other people affect me so much.

I get it.  All we can do is continue our fight against what we deal with! 

[Sean1987]

I can relate to everything you have written. I have had serious depression for most of my adult life. 7 years ago i brought a home a 7 week old rottie sheperd mix. His name was max. I was also raising a 3 year old boy. Max helped me keep my depression bearable. He helped me raise my son. 6am walks before work and school. Weekends of love and sitting in the garden. Barking and watching tv. Classical music always on the radio as it relaxed him. He taught us routine, discipline, and love. I trusted him with my son. He would guard the house and kid while i was out. He was the glue to my family. He was loved by so many. 2 months ago he collapsed in the garden. Pancreatitis due to steroids he was pescribed for an ear infection. 2 weeks in intensive care. 10k vet bill. He was stabilised and sent home. 48 hours later he died in my arms at home due to blood clots. Anger grief guilt and depression have consumed me ever since. I know i will never recover. Im not sure i ever want to. Our family and home are never going to be the same. I can bear losing him if i knew i would see him again. But my heart says i wont. I wish i had the faith to convince myself he will be waiting for me. But its a disappointment i couldnt bare. A definitive answer may only encourage me to leave before my time. Max was the closest thing to an angel i will ever meet. He deserved a better death. And i can only blame myself. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Sean1987 said:

Our family and home are never going to be the same.

Grief does not leave us the same...we are forever changed by it, yet in time it evolves and does not stay the same.  I want to give you that bit of hope to consider.  It's not that it "gets better" but that our bodies are amazing in their ability to adapt over time, honing our coping skills, adjusting, but as we all realize, we are left with a certain amount that we live with.  I will miss my Arlie until the day I die, just as I do my husband (17 years ago).  I have had many pets over my life and loved them all, but there was something special about Arlie...perhaps because I live alone and he was my companion, but much due to his particular personality and responses!  I will be forever changed because of having had him in my life, and this, I think, is the gift of love.

My dear, I hope that you will give yourself the gift of understanding, patience, kindness, and forgiveness...consider it a parting gift to your Max as he only wanted the best for you, and would grieve to hear your self recriminations.

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[hollysmom]

On 10/9/2022 at 1:50 PM, Sean1987 said:

I can relate to everything you have written. I have had serious depression for most of my adult life. 7 years ago i brought a home a 7 week old rottie sheperd mix. His name was max. I was also raising a 3 year old boy. Max helped me keep my depression bearable. He helped me raise my son. 6am walks before work and school. Weekends of love and sitting in the garden. Barking and watching tv. Classical music always on the radio as it relaxed him. He taught us routine, discipline, and love. I trusted him with my son. He would guard the house and kid while i was out. He was the glue to my family. He was loved by so many. 2 months ago he collapsed in the garden. Pancreatitis due to steroids he was pescribed for an ear infection. 2 weeks in intensive care. 10k vet bill. He was stabilised and sent home. 48 hours later he died in my arms at home due to blood clots. Anger grief guilt and depression have consumed me ever since. I know i will never recover. Im not sure i ever want to. Our family and home are never going to be the same. I can bear losing him if i knew i would see him again. But my heart says i wont. I wish i had the faith to convince myself he will be waiting for me. But its a disappointment i couldnt bare. A definitive answer may only encourage me to leave before my time. Max was the closest thing to an angel i will ever meet. He deserved a better death. And i can only blame myself. 

So sorry for your loss and the guilt you feel. I really don’t have words. Hopefully you kind find a little comfort in knowing you did give him the best life and he only ever knew love and acceptance. I know it’s hard. It’s been over 7 months and every day I’m still consumed with guilt and regret. When we’ve had angels in our lives, going on without them is so deeply unfair. I feel the same way- sometimes I catch myself wondering when I can see her, and then I think it’s impossible, but then I think it can’t be impossible because it’s just too terrible and I can never ever accept it. I still can’t believe she’s gone after all this time. All I can say is you’re not alone in the way you are feeling.

[KayC]

@hollysmom  I'm so sorry for the torment you're going through...I can't imagine, even though I have been through it, 25 times but losing my Arlie was the hardest, much like losing my husband felt..    Holding you in prayer for comfort and peace. 

 

[hollysmom]

On 10/13/2022 at 5:12 AM, KayC said:

@hollysmom  I'm so sorry for the torment you're going through...I can't imagine, even though I have been through it, 25 times but losing my Arlie was the hardest, much like losing my husband felt..    Holding you in prayer for comfort and peace. 

 

You are very kind, thank you for always supporting me and everyone else on here going through loss. 

[foreverhis]

On 5/14/2022 at 5:17 AM, KayC said:

Dogs don't need "salvation/saving" in the way people do.

So very true!  I sometimes believe that animals, our special companions in particular, are sent to us to teach us about pure love and devotion.  As if they're giving us a glimpse of both how we should be and what heaven must be like.

To be honest, I'm not sure I'd want to go to a heaven that didn't include the souls of our most precious animal companions.  But I have faith that they are there, waiting for us at the Rainbow Bridge (which is likely not how we envision it, but which I believe does exist).

[foreverhis]

On 5/14/2022 at 5:17 AM, KayC said:

I find way more who attest they DO go to heaven! 

I just copied this story from a post I found while doing a scroll through FB to see if our daughter made a Halloween posting.

(I can't give credit because the page contained no authorship or copyright)

 

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

 

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

 

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up'.

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

 

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

 

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in..'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

 

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.  When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

 

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind!'

[KayC]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

So very true!  I sometimes believe that animals, our special companions in particular, are sent to us to teach us about pure love and devotion.  As if they're giving us a glimpse of both how we should be and what heaven must be like.

To be honest, I'm not sure I'd want to go to a heaven that didn't include the souls of our most precious animal companions.  But I have faith that they are there, waiting for us at the Rainbow Bridge (which is likely not how we envision it, but which I believe does exist).

I believe this!  Thank you for sharing.  I feel the same.

Thank you for sharing this story, I've saved it!

[furbabymama1]

Feel your loss, and you did everything in your power to complete the true healing, and look how

much you have had together! U rock! You also are allowed to feel deeply, and never feel awkward

because its  testimony you CAME HERE. part of isolation, is guilt or vulnerable about our pets loss, and how

its VERY intense..brings in depressive thoughts. You need to know how I CHERISH people like

you, souls on the earth with such love...and  commitment make me feel proud to be human

[Danara]

Your baby was given months and with your love and support she had years.  I hope that one day you will see the blessing in that part.  I hope that one day I can see the blessing in giving my dog a good life for 12 years.  Your dog was so precious...I can't imagine the pain you are in.