What am I to do now?

[mktbutterfly]

My husband passed away on March 18th. I had to go to court to be able to bury him. His family doesn't like me. And now they have found a lump in my neck. Together we could get through anything, now I just feel lost and alone. We were together for 13 years and now I don't find joy in anything I used to. 

[Canadagirl81]

Hi.
First let me say how incredibly sorry I am for the loss of your beloved husband and the lump that was found on your neck. I am also sorry to read that his family doesn't like you and you had to go to court just to give him a burial. How stressful and awful. I hope that you can work with your doctors to find out what the lump may be. I know exactly how you feel with the lost and alone feelings. You have come to a very loving community with people who absolutely get it.
Of course you don't find joy right now, your loss is incredibly new. I lost my Glenn almost 3 months ago and "joy" is not something I have felt since or will for a long time. Flow with your grief and all the feelings that accompany them. It's okay to feel whatever you are...grief isn't linear, its not an easy road and it is your own. We all grieve differently and however you do, it's okay.  Be so good to yourself now, self care is most important. I take care of myself as best I can because I want to honour Glenn in whatever way I can. 
There will be other amazing people who I'm sure will reply with tons of resources for you. Don't be afraid to reach out for professional help if you feel the call as well.

You aren't alone in any capacity even though it may feel that way, you are with friends here. Sending you the biggest hug. I will be thinking positive thoughts regarding the lump and your health.
Laura

[DWS]

2 hours ago, mktbutterfly said:

We were together for 13 years and now I don't find joy in anything I used to. 

I am so so sorry for the loss of your husband and everything else you're now going through. It's now been seven weeks since I lost my partner Tom and just like you, I feel very little joy right now in anything that I use to enjoy doing. As Laura mentioned, self-care and comfort for yourself is what's most important in this moment. I've learned that the intensity of our grief is equal to the intensity of our love for our spouses and partners. You're among a lot of loving people here. 

Don

[KayC]

14 hours ago, mktbutterfly said:

My husband passed away on March 18th. I had to go to court to be able to bury him. His family doesn't like me. And now they have found a lump in my neck. Together we could get through anything, now I just feel lost and alone. We were together for 13 years and now I don't find joy in anything I used to. 

WHAT?!  It should be up to the spouse what is done with the body!!!  OMG, and a lump in your neck, perhaps a gland?  I pray they find the cause/solution SOON to relieve your mind!  I hear you, I lost my husband, the love of my life, my soulmate and best friend, suddenly/unexpectedly, right after his 51st bdy, Father's Day, June 19th 2005.  My life felt turned upside down.  That was nearly 17 years ago.  We never get over them, we don't move on from this, there is only learning to live with it and adjust/cope as best as we can.  I had no clue how to do that in the beginning...I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss!

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.