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Asked for a divorce but wish I hadn't.


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Hey everyone, Im new to this so bare with me. I met my soon to be ex-wife when I was 24 and full in love almost immediately. Within 6 months I asked her to marry me and 2 years later we did. In between getting engaged and the actual wedding there were flags that I ignored. Blinded by my love for her. Since the day we got married things were never easy thanks to a down economy, job loss, birth of a child, major move due to career, injury, loss of an unborn child, birth of a 2nd child and even an emotional affair. We tried so hard to fight for our marriage but after yrs of being on the receiving end of verbal abuse, I slowly began to drift away, becoming reclusive. Last week I finally asked for a divorce while being pressed for an answer on my feelings. Today I regret even allowing those words cross my lips. She has been the love of my life for so long that I cannot truly picture us not being together. I realize that the name calling, threats of leaving me and put downs are certainly not conducive to making a relationship be loving and I suppose I'm once again turning a blind eye to the flags that are and have been present for some time. 

I broke down today in front of her and shared my truth on how I wish I had never said what I said and how in that moment that I did, all I wanted was for her to fight for us like I had done so many times before. Unfortunately, her will to fight has left her long before our diacussion.

I still remain broken, lost, afraid of what the road ahead and what it will be like, jealous of the future guy who will take my seat at the table and place in her heart. I feel like what I'm feeling is abnormal, which makes me feel lost and alone. 😔 

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A hurting soul

Hi T,

I’m sorry you have to go through the pain. I to am going through my own since my wife of 20 years left me because she doesn’t love me anymore. Once she finished a graduate degree to better our lives she made the decision. I went through the roller coaster of her working and being in school along with the family day to day. Now she wants to find herself without me being a part of her life. We have 3 kids. 1 is entering HS and plays sports. Which means I have to see her every week and I’m not sure how to act. This pain is awful and I sympathize with you as mine to was my 1 true love since we were 16. We went through all your topics of red flags and much more. All I can say is maybe this is Gods plan for you to move on and be happy with time. At least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself as I hurt everyday. Only been a month for me and she only will discuss how to divorce nothing else. No counseling or anything that means we are working on our marriage. Threw me away like garbage. I said similar stuff you did as well as her for many years. When is men are hurt we say stupid things hoping we will feel better but truthfully it just hurts us in the end. I really have no advice as I to can barely get by. This pain physically hurts the heart and makes it hard to function. Just know there’s many of us hurting as you do. Maybe God will help us all get through this bad time together. 

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Hurting soul, thank you so much for reaching out to me. My situation isnt much different. My son is going into 8th and my youngest 1st. We have had our issues for many years and in that time she had an emotional affair and when it ended only due to the mans wife catching wind she came clean and asked for us to hit the reset button. Out of love I did and 3 yrs later it was me who gave into an emotional affair because I wasn't getting what I needed at home. It's hard when I was cheerleading her on and helping her get her degree. Unfortunately, the sacrifice became affection towards me. I tried to be the best husband I could and because I wasnt getting a basic need I let my emotions get the best of me and asked her for a divorce. Flash forward a few days later and I'm confiding in her that I messed up and want to fix things and the response is vastly different than the one I gave her. I'd do anything to take back what I said just to have a chance to repair things the right way with professional help. Unfortunately, she doesn't see it the same way. She is my best friend, we work together at the same school, and she asked me to cohabitate until she finishes school. Having her with me in the home and work yes will keep me close, but at the same time slowly rip my heart from my chest, especially when she begins dating. Im not sure how I will make it through this with my sanity. I just wish God would see my pain and help me.

Thanks again! Praying 🙏 for you to find strength and healing as well during this difficult time. It really sucks!

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A hurting soul

We seek support wherever we can get it T. I’m sure you’re still struggling as I am as well. I almost wish I could hate her to make things easier but she is truly the love of my life. People keep saying time heals, you’ll get better, work on you, it is what it is, you can only control yourself, all that stuff. While this is all true it doesn’t take the hurt away. I myself see a counselor and a Psych Doc for meds. I’m also meditating a ton and reading the Bible. I was raised Catholic and slipped from my faith. One thing I’ve noticed since doing this is this: I find many people who have a lot of great things to say when it comes to God. I’ve also noticed things said randomly from strangers that was almost meant for me to hear. I was told my hurt comes from lack of knowledge of the book not the situation. If I had the knowledge I’d understand why it’s happening. Another was a stranger telling her daughter “the devil is a liar” when it really had no context. Why was I supposed to hear that? Another I’ll share has been said to me numerous times the last week: give your burdens to the Lord as he is working for what is truly right for you. Maybe that’s reconciliation (I truly hope) or Maybe in time there’s something better coming to where you can be truly happy. Our hearts want hope, love, and joy. We trust in God to help us get it but sometimes we have to suffer first. It’s beyond understanding of man. Give yourself to God and enjoy your children. That’s all guys like us have. Maybe someday our ex’s will look at us and who we have become with regret to not have stayed with us. Weather or not at that time it’s it’s too late or not only God knows. It helps a lot to do this venting even because it sure does hurt and real easy to feel hopeless. Keep your head up and try your best to get through the tough days best you can. I know I have many more tough days ahead but if I truly love her I will let her find what she’s looking for. As hard as it is to say that includes a life with another. I can only trust and ask God to make that other a new ME. God be with you my brother in pain. 
 

“The LORD is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”                    PSALM 34:18

We seek support wherever we can get it T. I’m sure you’re still struggling as I am as well. I almost wish I could hate her to make things easier but she is truly the love of my life. People keep saying time heals, you’ll get better, work on you, it is what it is, you can only control yourself, all that stuff. While this is all true it doesn’t take the hurt away. I myself see a counselor and a Psych Doc for meds. I’m also meditating a ton and reading the Bible. I was raised Catholic and slipped from my faith. One thing I’ve noticed since doing this is this: I find many people who have a lot of great things to say when it comes to God. I’ve also noticed things said randomly from strangers that was almost meant for me to hear. I was told my hurt comes from lack of knowledge of the book not the situation. If I had the knowledge I’d understand why it’s happening. Another was a stranger telling her daughter “the devil is a liar” when it really had no context. Why was I supposed to hear that? Another I’ll share has been said to me numerous times the last week: give your burdens to the Lord as he is working for what is truly right for you. Maybe that’s reconciliation (I truly hope) or Maybe in time there’s something better coming to where you can be truly happy. Our hearts want hope, love, and joy. We trust in God to help us get it but sometimes we have to suffer first. It’s beyond understanding of man. Give yourself to God and enjoy your children. That’s all guys like us have. Maybe someday our ex’s will look at us and who we have become with regret to not have stayed with us. Weather or not at that time it’s it’s too late or not only God knows. It helps a lot to do this venting even because it sure does hurt and real easy to feel hopeless. Keep your head up and try your best to get through the tough days best you can. I know I have many more tough days ahead but if I truly love her I will let her find what she’s looking for. As hard as it is to say that includes a life with another. I can only trust and ask God to make that other a new ME. God be with you my brother in pain. 
 

“The LORD is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”                    PSALM 34:18

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Thank you so much for responding. Ironically, the line you gave about hating your ex would make this so much easier, is the same thing I said to mine just today. I told her it crushes me knowing that she is no longer in love with me and that one day there will be my replacement. It sucks so bad to even think about that. I asked her how come she isn't torn apart about the idea that someone will make me happy or that ai will end up with someone new. Her response is hard to hear because I just dont know if it is true "I want you to be happy and find your soul mate". In that moment I wanted to tell her I already have and I'm looking at her. Sadly, love is a 2 way street and doesnt work if the other person doesnt love you back. 

I will take you up on your advice to place my burdens on God for his grace and mercy. Praying for my wife to come back to me is a fruitless endeavor because I truly believe her mind is made up. I think my only prayer should be for me to let go. As hard as that is going to be. I know it'll be easier once we sell the house when she is done her schooling because it will be the finality of our life together. Which is heartwrenching to even imagine. 

I appreciate our correspondence because it seems like we are in a very similar place. It's always a good feeling to know when you are not alone. 

Be well sir!

T

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A hurting soul

No doubt T,

my shrink told me today that the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” thing is all BS. I have to agree. Women get this vision of a perfect relationship in their heads from when they’re young. Prince sweeping them off their feet. A guy holding them while she cries in the rain. Do they try doing that with us? Thing is you are not responsible for her happiness just like she’s not responsible for yours. Only you can make yourself happy and the partner just contributes to that. I’ve heard that by a few to and I completely agree. These women we love who have a change of heart and become cold and distant. They also push buttons to see if they can get you to “react” like you normally do. So instead “respond” with respect and calmness. Basically act the opposite of what they expect. Trust in God and get fit or do some exercising. Make yourself attractive as possible inside and out. Eventually they will ask why you/I couldn’t be that way when together. Now the next girl gets the best version of yourself. If they decide to work it out then put that work in still and never forget the feeling of losing her. Idk, women flip a switch and seem to walk away so easily. Men are protectors by nature so that hurts us deeply. Not protecting our commitment we made for our family. It suck’s honestly and painful. Fear comes in with the unknown, bills, moving, running into them with another, anything you can think of. Fear is evil taking over your soul. That’s why you pray to God. Too many are falling into selfishness these days and it’s really easy to walk away instead of working for a marriage. That’s todays society. While they say nice things, like “I want you to find your soul mate”, they are consumed by the evil attacking their hearts. Families are under attack in todays day and age. Can’t control families but you sure can control a bunch of individuals. It’s truly a Good vs Evil battle going on. Divorce is 50% at a all time high ever. What’s that tell ya? Pray for your healing and forgiveness and pray for her heart and healing as well. God can do amazing things!! Hopefully we will both be blessed with our happiness someday soon. Always good to batt it around. Definitely helps me and hopefully you as well.

take it easy and 1 day at a time for now buddy,

A Soul Hopefully Healing!! 

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On 4/17/2022 at 6:21 PM, TJacobs said:

Hurting soul, thank you so much for reaching out to me. My situation isnt much different. My son is going into 8th and my youngest 1st. We have had our issues for many years and in that time she had an emotional affair and when it ended only due to the mans wife catching wind she came clean and asked for us to hit the reset button. Out of love I did and 3 yrs later it was me who gave into an emotional affair because I wasn't getting what I needed at home. It's hard when I was cheerleading her on and helping her get her degree. Unfortunately, the sacrifice became affection towards me. I tried to be the best husband I could and because I wasnt getting a basic need I let my emotions get the best of me and asked her for a divorce. Flash forward a few days later and I'm confiding in her that I messed up and want to fix things and the response is vastly different than the one I gave her. I'd do anything to take back what I said just to have a chance to repair things the right way with professional help. Unfortunately, she doesn't see it the same way. She is my best friend, we work together at the same school, and she asked me to cohabitate until she finishes school. Having her with me in the home and work yes will keep me close, but at the same time slowly rip my heart from my chest, especially when she begins dating. Im not sure how I will make it through this with my sanity. I just wish God would see my pain and help me.

Thanks again! Praying 🙏 for you to find strength and healing as well during this difficult time. It really sucks!

That's my deal right now. Going through in the same home. It's so painful. I'm past the point of even caring what he does but it's a constant reminder being in a place where we once were building a life. There are triggers. 

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