Feeling Inadequate

[Tinner]

Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

I found my dad dead in his bedroom on 21st March 2022. He didn't pass peacefully and looked like he had struggled at the end of his life. It was a undignified way to pass and he would of hated his youngest son to find him in that way. The way that i found my dad will always stay with me.

My mum and two older brothers emigrated to Australia with their families over 15 years ago leaving my dad and me in the UK. I stayed living with my dad until i was 38 as i didnt want to leave him alone. Living in the house with my wife and 2 little boys was difficult at times, especially having to care for my dad.

My dad had a heart attack in 2019 and subsequently had heart surgery. I went to the hospital every day to see him and was with him in intensive care. When he was better i was the one who took him home and cared for him. I was also with him when he found out he had bowel cancer in 2021. I was the one taking him to is appointments and chemo. I was the one who found him on the floor on numerous occasions and helped him to bed. I was the one who cooked and tidied up for him. I was the one who made sure he spent time with his grandchildren. I was the one who found him dead. I was the one who cleaned his mattress of urine and excrement. I was the one who tried to get the blood out of the carpet. I was the one that arranged the funeral, calling as my dads friends to break the news to them. I was the one who arranged the venue for the wake, paying for all the food and drinks. I will be the one closing my dads estate down.

I have resentment for my mum and brothers that they left me dealing with this whilst also trying to live my own life. When my dad died they offered support but to me it was a little to late. They hadnt offered support over the last 15 years so i didnt want it.

So feeling inadequate....my dad was born in 1947 and lived in what was then the countryside in the south east of England. He went sailing, played guitar in a band and was a co pilot in a rally car. He passed his 11+ exams which earned him a place in a grammar school. He then went onto get a Engineering degree and for the rest of his working life was either a general manager or managing director. I remember him playing me and my brothers his guitar to make us fall asleep, asking him maths questions and he would know the answers often teaching us the correct way to work them out. He built the house extension, porch, carpentry for the windows. He also rewired the electrics and put in the central heating system. He was kind, generous, intelligent and a proper dad.

Reflecting back over my dads life and how good of a dad he was i am now comparing it how i am a dad. I just feel like i cannot compare to what he gave me to what i am giving my sons. I cannot teach my boys maths, build, play the guitar or have a degree etc. Maybe the passing of my dad will focus my mind on what really matters in life and to aim to be the best husband and father that i can be.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

[reader]

Dear Tinner,

I'm sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences. Thank you for telling us more about your dad and how much you loved and admired him. He was lucky to have you for a son. You did a lot to support him and I'm sure that meant the world to him. It's hard being the glue that keeps a family together. I know I would feel as you do about your mum and two brothers given they were not present during all the years you helped your dad alone. I hope you will consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group to work through these feelings.

Please know we are here with you.

[Traz]

Hello Tinner,

I am truly sorry about the loss of your Dad. Finding him deceased must have been so traumatic, even if his passing was expected due to his failing health. That is something I'd have a very hard time with too.

May I asked why your Mum moved with your brothers away? Were they divorced? That is a long, far off place to move and I would feel the same way. 

I was a caregiver to my Mum and the sibling who could have helped me, chose to not be there, make excuses and just generally left our Mum's care to me. I totally understand your anger and resentment. I know that carrying it around with me has been bad for my mental health and growth as a person. So, I am trying to forgive her and have some kind of relationship now. Maybe in time you might feel like reaching out to them. They will never truly know what you went through with your Dad though because they weren't there.

Please give yourself credit for the Dad that you are to your children. It's not about your abilities or talents but your love for them that matters. There will always be special things they remember about you - you are irreplaceable to them. 

Please take care and I hope you find comfort on this site. You are not alone. Xo