Next month will be one year, I am devastated.

[Meofmine]

I lost my husband of 25 years.  We got married and had children young. But May is coming up fast and I am feeling so sad everyday. My kids are older and out of the house. I am not sure how to act anymore. My husband got sick fast and passed away within months of finding out he was sick. I feel so lost.

[KMkm]

I lost my wife 4 months ago.  I feel lost everyday.  I find myself sometimes just sitting and staring at nothing.  I have two young kids that need me but it's hard to get through each day.  I am told it gets easier but the pain will always be there.  I hope you find comfort that will help you find your way.  I don't know what the future holds for me.  Post and read on here, there are a lot of people who have good advice.  Stay strong.

[KayC]

@Meofmine  I am so sorry for your loss.  It's the hardest thing in the world to digest, it's hard to wrap our minds around, let alone live without them!  A journey nothing prepares us for, with a beginning but not an end until we get to join them.  It does, however, evolve in time into something we get better at coping with, but oh my gosh it takes much time to get there.  I've learned to do it one day at a time, having to break it down into one hour or even one minute in the earlier time.  I didn't see how I could live one week without him, and in June it'll be 17 years, it's hard to believe, I'm growing old without him!  He'd just turned 51 when he died!  I'll be 70 this year.

I hope you have good support around you!  All our friends (mostly in their 40s at the time) disappeared overnight!  His family has been absentee, mine cares but doesn't have a clue what it's like, and now I've lost parents and two sisters, plus pets and friends.  It seems the golden years are a misnomer.  I want a refund!  But alas, it is what it is.  I'm thankful for my puppy...

I hope you'll continue coming here, it helps us to process our grief and there's comfort in knowing we're not alone in what we're going through and feeling.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Meofmine]

Thank you for your replies. It is very hard to deal with but I am getting there. KMkm I find myself staring at nothing myself. I do have a great support system. But no one really understands.

KayC I hope it does get better thank you!

[Loriii]

I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband, Meofmine. Please don't say no one understands because we understand you. I commend you that you were able to endure those 11 months, but I could imagine that feeling of sadness when the first year is coming up. All the while, you feel like you're okay. There are days/weeks/months when you feel like you're moving forward but then, some days, it will feel like it is still so fresh, like it just happened yesterday. 25 years was a lot. Mine was 16, so I could feel how you got used to those years with your life being with him. I'm only at my third month. Still feeling very lost and have tons of issues. Make sure you are eating and sleeping fine. It's good to hear that you acknowledge that it hard to deal but you're getting there. Please remember that we're always here. Even if sometimes I probably don't say that much, I'm reading and listening to everyone's story here.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Meofmine said:

I do have a great support system. But no one really understands.

That's how I felt, let them care though or try.  I know there's no way to describe it to them so they can get it, my sister didn't understand until she lost her husband, now she too is gone.

While it may not get better with time, we get better as we begin to adjust to the changes it means for our lives and we really hone our coping skills, our focus, as we look for any good in the day, no matter how small, and don't compare, comparisons are a joy-killer.  It's so hard to accept reality, it kind of seeps in little by little, but no one can say how long it takes, gosh, I'm going through this all over again with the loss of my sister, I was so close to her, we knew each other through and through.  At least I can have no real regrets with either of them, oh little things maybe I wish I'd done this or that, but nothing big, we made our lives count and showed love to each other while we still could.  

And remember, if you don't feel like eating, at least have a smoothie....(before diabetes) I used to make one with yogurt, spinach, bananas, strawberries, some orange juice concentrate, protein powder and granola, all the food groups!  Now I can't have that much sugar. So many recipes online for them.  And drink water. 

 

[Meofmine]

Thank you so much for your replies.  Eating is not an issue. I eat my feelings. I just miss him. Thanks again for telling me your stories. It does help.