My wife's death

[1050_harley]

I don't fully know how to talk and open up about the situation regarding my wife's death but I'll try my best so please bare with me and keep reading. 

My wife Kristy and I had a lot of flaws and faults but hey no relationship is perfect right? In the months before her death we had it really Rocky we both had hit rock bottom and we were trying to repair our relationship but what I did not pay attention to is what has unfolding right in front of my eyes Kristy was Ill she was sick not knowing why or how she was just sick she was a type 1 diabetic who was supposed to take her insulin shots 4 or 5 times per day but she was having only 2 or 3 every few weeks so this leads me to believe she knew she was going to die. I love Kristy she was and still is my love and it will remain that way until I join her in heaven. One night we had gone to bed together and for the first time in months had been intimate with each other followed by the words "I love you" as I rubbed moisturizer into her back and then we both went to sleep. At 3:40 in the morning I wake up to her calling my name she is in the bathroom on the floor I rush into the bathroom she tells me"I'm in pain" "help me" in shock I try to stand her up but she just falls lifeless -like and I knew right then that it was serious she goes into cardiac arrest and I really freak out at seeing this as she is having some kind of zeisure. I immediately start to cry as I hold her in my arms saying "don't you die on me" I immediately rang for an ambulance and they arrived 10 minutes later they had taken over and told me to stand aside they struggled to get her heart beating properly again and had called for extra help so 2 more ambulances pulled up outside. Eventually they get her from the bathroom to the lounge room where they had her hooked up to machines and giving her different shots but her heart wasn't beating properly. After an hour or so they tell me she is stable enough to get her to the hospital and they rush her off. I asked one of the paramedics if she'll be ok and he said she should make a full recovery so I never kissed her goodbye I just told her I'll come get her when she's right to leave hospital. Oh how stupid was I to think or say that. I couldn't go with her in the ambulance as her 4 year old son was sleeping in he's bed in the room behind the bathroom. He was up listening to everything.  So at this stage it was 430 or 5 am when she was taken to hospital at 6am I rang the hospital to see how she was and they told me to get up to the hospital ASAP as her condition was serious so I got her little boy up and dressed put him in the car and took him to a trusted mate to look after him while I go to the hospital. I race up to the hospital with some of her clothes packed thinking I'll be able to take her home. They pulled me aside in a small room and told me straight out that they did all they could but she had passed away. The only thing I could do was put my head in my hands drop to my knees and then just cry and cry and cry it was like time had just stopped my girl my best friend my Rock my wife is dead I couldn't believe it. 

It's now 2022 and It feels like it was yesterday this all happened. The post mortem results state that the cause of Kristy's death was diabetic ketoacidosis.

I knew it I knew I had something to do with her diabetes. This broke my heart it broke me as a man it just shattered me fully. Now I'm still stuck I'm still hurting I cry every night and day. I don't know how to cope with this.  Her death anniversary is this month in April on the 24th. Time to stock up on lots of alcohol for that day.

[KMkm]

Please don't drink.  I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through such a horrible situation.  It hurts so much to lose a loved one.  A spouse or partner is incredibly difficult cause it changes every aspect of your life.  The days following my wife's passing last December were the worst days of my life.  My brain shut down  and I cried all the time.  I thought about suicide every second and didn't know how I would cope since we have two young children.  The pain and anxiety is overwhelming and the brain fog and the pressure in my head is intense.  Believe me when I say that it gets better, not each day but after a few months.  I know others will give you a better perspective on how they cope but trust in yourself.  You are strong to have to endure such pain.  Each day that passes will make you stronger but it never feels that way cause the pain hurts a lot.  Cry as much as you want to release the emotions.  Talk honestly to people who will listen and on here as much as you can.  Never hide your feelings and be vulnerable so as to let others help lift you up.  If you feel that something else might help then try cause it's your journey.  But please don't turn to alcohol, you need to strengthen your body to fight.  I stopped eating, drinking water, exercising.  I lost 30 lbs in two months and some days I would go 3 or 4 days without consuming anything.  The grief was unbearable but I prayed and found strength to eat which helped me feel better about coping with everything.  I hope that someone's words spurs you on to fight grief.  I believe my words or another's will give you hope and strength.  Stay strong.

[foreverhis]

I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us, but I'm glad you are.  First things first.  I understand how hard it is losing the love of your life; we all do here.  It doesn't matter that much if you were going through a tough time.  Only love matters, only love.  No doubt you felt and feel helpless in many ways; no doubt you don't know how you can keep going; no doubt you are still rocked by what happened to your lovely wife.  Nothing can ever prepare us for the enormous changes to our lives and the excruciating pain and devastation of our grief.

But please, please, I urge you to try not to drink too much, even though I understand the temptation all too well.  There were nights that I drank too much when I just couldn't bear the pain and needed to "blot it out" for a while.  The thing is that alcohol doesn't just impair our brains, it's actually a depressant and I worry what that could do to you when you're already in so much emotional pain on the anniversary of "the day." 

I'm not a hypocrite, so I won't say that you shouldn't drink at all.  I have a glass of wine or homemade cocktail almost every night.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that for those who can "handle" it (not everyone's body chemistry allows it).  But as you know, too much can lead us further into the dark pit of despair.  One of the great things about being here is that on those days, those hardest and most painful days, if you fall, you can "reach out" and the members here will help you up because we've been there, we are there, and we understand because of that.

Welcome.  Please keep coming here to talk, read, rant, or even "scream" if that's what helps.  And especially please come here on those most painful days and times.  It really helped me when I was so lost and feeling hopeless, even though I had and still have a loving circle of friends and family around me.

[Steve79]

Hello 1050_harley,

I'm very sorry to read your story. I put myself in your position, I try to imagine that horrendous night and everything else since, and I feel the despair. It's awful you're going through this. Keep coming here to talk with others who have gone, or are going through the same experience. 

The part of your post which really jumped out at me is the last two lines:

13 hours ago, 1050_harley said:

I knew it I knew I had something to do with her diabetes. This broke my heart it broke me as a man it just shattered me fully. Now I'm still stuck I'm still hurting I cry every night and day. I don't know how to cope with this.  Her death anniversary is this month in April on the 24th. Time to stock up on lots of alcohol for that day.

I'm curious, why do you know you had something to do with her diabetes? In what way did you have something to do with it? 

 

[William M]

I  know how you feel, my wife also died unexpectedly from heart arrest last November. She also called for me and was in the bathroom in pain. We  were about to leave for the hospital but she decided to lay down for a moment and rest for a bit.  Big mistake. One moment we were happily planning our holiday week off together, with lots to get done, and the next moment I was utterly alone. Like I have never been before, and my life was destroyed. I also find myself randomly crying , while driving to and from work, while cleaning house, while playing with the puppies, just all the time, and I'm even crying while typing this. Sometimes it just hits me that she's really really gone forever, and I will never see or talk to her again, and won't ever get to say goodbye, or I love you. It just sucks

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Sorry for all of us, and lots of  crying has been my experience too. Oh, tomorrows going to be rough for me. It's my wifes birthday. 

[KayC]

@1050_harley  I am so sorry for your loss...I lost my husband also to Diabetes as it brought on a heart attack,he'd just turned 51.

My two passions are helping others with grief, and also help run a Diabetic site...the two things that have dramatically affected me.

We want to be here for you as you go through this, we understand and care.

For those who don't realize it, Diabetes affects just about everything to do with our health and the AMA and ADA's "guidelines" will keep us sick.    T2 can be very difficult to control (I have a friend with T1...the difference being T2 has insulin resistance, which can be reversed, but T1 doesn't make insulin and there is no reversing it, only trying to control it.  There's also other forms of it.

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

10 hours ago, Steve79 said:

In what way did you have something to do with it? 

We often blame ourselves when they die, thinking "we should have done this" or "we should have done that" but we don't know what we don't know and in many instances they would not have listened anyway...

I've learned it does no good to beat ourselves up, yet we feel what we feel...good to keep in mind though, that feelings are not facts.