My Girlfriend died yesterday morning

[Sebastian Martinez]

My girlfriend passed away at 11am yesterday morning. I have no idea how to even cope or handle what I’m experiencing. We been together since 2019 but It felt like we known each other our whole lives. We immediately hit it off and grew very close. She would call me her lover and her best friend and we lived with each other the last year or so so we were always together and even apart she would call me and talk to me on FaceTime for hours to the point we would even fall asleep with each other on the phone . It kinda became our thing. I never loved somebody so much before. She was beautiful and funny and always playing silly little pranks on me. Unfortunately she lost her mother about 5 years ago and she started drinking heavily and I had no idea she was hospitalized just 3 years ago because of her addiction . The doctors told her then she needed to stop drinking but she never did… I had no clue this was happening . I knew she was struggling with grief and alcohol abuse but I didn’t think it was to that extent. A few weeks ago I started noticing she was getting yellow eyes and she would throw up all the time violently, sometimes for a few hours and I said you need to go the hospital. But she would always say it comes in waves and that it will go away…. Three days ago she was throwing up for a day and a half to the point her nose was bleeding…. Her stomach started to swell and I knew something was odd… but she still didn’t go the hospital… so I cuddled her and comforted her and massaged her feet and legs and back and rubbed her stomach with some ointment to try to make her feel better . The next morning I woke up and her stomach was very bloated and she was passing in and out of conciseness and I said I’m taking you to the hospital I’m not taking no for an answer, as I was driving her she passed out and stopped breathing and I couldn’t feel her heart breathing. For two minutes she was in my car lying there and I started crying and screaming please baby wake up wake up please and we finally arrived to the ER . They brought her in and she had no pulse they had to resuscitate her. I immediately broke down crying and loosing my mind I couldn’t believe this was really happening I just kept saying my poor baby please wake up. As I was waiting in the room they said they stabilized her and got a pulse back but had to be transferred to the ICU. They had to put her in a medically induced coma and 100% oxygen support. When I went to visit I immediately started crying . Seeing her like that I will never get that image out of my head . I walked up to her and held her hand and said baby please wake up listen to my voice and come back to us your one of the strongest people I know. Her eyes rolled forward a little bit and she squeezed my hand back. The nurse told me that it doesn’t look good and to be “prepared” my heart immediately sank into my stomach and I completely disassociated and felt like I was out of my body and in a fog. I stayed at the hospital for 14 hours I didn’t want to leave . How could I? I was so devastated all I wanted to do was be close . But when they transferred her to the Critical Care Unit visiting hours stopped at 8pm and after that only immediate family members are allowed I’m assuming because of covid. I stood up until 5 am calling in and checking on her every couple hours with the nurses I don’t even remember falling asleep. I went to bed and had a dream about her. We were laying down in bed and she was caressing me and rubbing my head saying “It’s going to be ok” I woke up and started crying . I got a motel close by so I can be near. Visits starts at 11am so I wake up and drive to the hospital. When I get there all the family is standing outside and I ask about my girlfriend .. that’s when they told me she passed that morning at 11:45 am and fell to my knees and started crying and screaming “No No please not my baby” I felt like a hole had been punched thru my heart and soul. I also felt guilty for not being there. I have no idea how I’m ever going to recover from this trauma . I been in a fog ever since it happened I miss her so much and I want to get one last chance to say goodbye to her and give her a kiss and tell her I love her but I can’t..one of the last things she said to me was that she Adores me 😞 we would do everything together . Watch all the harry potters and superhero movies, theme parks . I’m still wearing her shirt and sweater she let me borrow because I had no clothes . I don’t ever want to take them off. I’m am completely devastated. I’m going to  miss you so much Jenisse you were my lover best friend and soul mate Rest In Peace my baby thank you for all you shown me and all the treasured memories I will now keep forever in my heart . I will never forget you I love you baby and miss you so much. I know we will meet again.

Sincerely,

Sebastian 

[Diane R. E.]

Hello Sebastian; I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Words just cannot express how devastating this is for you. I am  one and a half years out from my husband passing away, but I remember those early months all too well. Others will come along to give you support and share their wisdom, but here are a few tips I learned:

Find a way to express your grief. This forum is a safe place where you can share whatever it is you are feeling at the time. Reading the posts of others also (sadly) lets you know you are not alone on this journey.

Take care of your physical self: stay hydrated, eat something healthy every day, and get enough sleep. If you are having difficulty sleeping, try a natural remedy and/or see your physician for medication. Exhaustion makes everything more problematic.

Spend time out in nature if the weather permits. If you are physically able, do something active every day.

Establish a routine. Even if you don’t have to go anywhere that day, get up and get dressed, comb your hair, etc. Sometimes facing an entire day will be too much, so break it down into segments and follow the same schedule the next day.

Do not think too far into the future because it will overwhelm you. Getting through one day at a time is an accomplishment.

Begin to process your grief. Just being on this forum means you have already begun. Read the stories of others, express your own grief, and look up to those who have made real progress on this journey. When you are ready, read articles/books on grief, and listen to recommended Ted Talks and other videos. Take to heart those that speak to you.

If you believe in the afterlife, watch for signs from your beloved partner. They will come when least expected – just keep an open mind and an open heart.

My heart breaks for you - there is nothing about this that is fair. Sending virtual hugs.

[The Handsome Honey Hotline]

Hello - Sebastian,
I am about two months from where you are now. My Lady of 17 years died suddenly in the hospital of double pneumonia. It was shocking as it was sudden. I can tell you is everyone takes this journey together with friends - family, and alone.

When you can get up and get outside, take a drive. Find something to do.

I grabbed my phone and looked for things to photograph that were one color. Pick a color and photograph it (cars, people, signs, buildings, all that exact color). Drive, walk, ride a train, whatever. It will make you a better photographer and help you focus on something other than the 900 lb gorilla in the room, so to say. The pictures will help you too. I like to think that my Lady is with me, helping me find the color. What's your favorite color? What's your Janisse's favorite color? Put together an album for both of you. Just sharing.

Does it get any easier? Not yet. I still have questions that need answers, but the solutions keep changing. Go with the flow Seb. When I called my Lady, she always answered the phone: "Hello, This is the Handsome Honey Hotline." LOL. I guess I will always miss that. She has a way of still making me laugh.

Hang in there Sebastian.

[Sebastian Martinez]

Thank you all for your replies I truly thank you it has been difficult. Probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone thru and I thank you for your advice it has truly helped knowing I’m not alone . Jenisse would always play silly pranks on me and she would always say “hey hey you dropped something “ and I would say “what? And as I look down she would say “you dropped your smile” she would always trick me. Im going to miss that 

[William M]

I'm sorry this is happening. You were lucky to have found this place as we were. It has become a great comfort to me, sometimes my only comfort. You will find that those around you may not be able to provide you with the comfort you need. They just don't seems to understand, or "get it". Even those that were very close to her. It's not there fault. There is Nothing like losing a mate and not in their experience.

You can feel completely alone even when surrounded by family and friends. What helps is to read other stories here that are similar to you ordeal. Many feeling the exact same emotions you are.  It is so comforting  to know your not the only person on the Earth that this is happening to, and it can make you feel a little less alone.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, both of you!  I've had a hard time getting on here lately due to their upgrades, so glad you made your way in.  Nothing prepares us for the shock of losing them, I will never forget one bit of that time...grief has a beginning but not an ending, but rest assured it does evolve into something more manageable in time...much time.Take one day at a time and be patient with yourself, and keep coming here.  We get it and understand, and you'll find this a very caring group of people.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[unmukt]

I am so so sorry for your loss Sebastian. This is the hardest pain to see our love go right before our eyes when all we want to do is somehow save them . I can feel so distinctly when you said "Not my baby" since this is the only thing I kept saying when my love got diagnosed with cancer and also when he passed away. It's so hard to even accept this reality and always there are questions about why them, why us. And i guess this will forever be the saddest question. I am here for you whenever you need someone to listen. The scenes in the hospital room keep haunting me so often, because that's the last thing I wanted my baby to go through. I couldn't see him in pain. I hope you realise your love is okay wherever she is right now. She will be there for you and i so sincerely hope she is with her mother now so you don't have to worry about her peace..I too slept on the phone with my love when he was not near. I couldn't sleep unless I heard his breathing and even now when i can't sleep i feel him right beside me talking to me helping to go through. She will be there for you too. Lots of love and hugs. 

[mktbutterfly]

I am so sorry for your loss. My everything passed on March 18th. I believe our soul mates know/knew how much we love them. Hugs

[tnd]

I am very sorry for your loss. It's going to be tough for a while. But don't try to push the pain away because it will only still be there. My advice is to let yourself feel it and spend the time you need grieving. That could be months or even years. That's why I am trying to learn how to carry my grief with me as I move forward. 

[Tim8505]

I lost my girlfriend about a month ago.  It has been the hardest time of my life so I can feel your pain to some degree.  It's not going to be easy.  There hasn't been a day that I haven't wept uncontrollably for my partner.  I found her body as well so that doesn't help.   I think it was a overdose but not sure to be honest. 

Just know you are not alone and there are always people to reach out to.   You can even talk to me if you'd like. 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Tim8505 said:

here hasn't been a day that I haven't wept uncontrollably for my partner.

[Sebastian Martinez]

Man really struggling this past week been crying and screaming in my car . I don’t know how to process this . I been drinking a lot lately send prayers thanks 

[KayC]

I hope this doesn't come off as trivialization but it helped me to go walking in the woods with nature, exercise and nature both help...so did the times I screamed at the top of my lungs and scared off bear and cougar while I was at it!  It's not the mere passage of time that processes our grief, but what we DO with that time.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[tnd]

20 hours ago, KayC said:

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

KayC, this is a good one. And so true. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

just go with how you feel at that moment

 

[Tim8505]

On 4/23/2022 at 8:52 PM, KayC said:

There still hasn't been a day even now. 

[Lost7]

I feel your pain Sebastian. I lost my love 8 months ago and it just hurts so bad he was only 54 years old and in good health and covid took him away from me. He looks so bad only ventilator, he did not look like my sweetheart who was always happy whistling with a smile on his face. I tried to focus on the good times that we had but it's hard sometimes. I pray that you can find some good smiles above her face to get you through the tough times.

Hugs Loss7 

[KayC]

@Lost7 I am so sorry...I do understand the pain, my husband was barely 51 when he died, just after his birthday, also a sudden loss, yet hospitalized for three days.  It is a shock and so hard to learn to process and live with all the changes to our lives.

 

[Lost7]

KayC

I am truly sorry for the loss of your husband. Thank you for your support.

Grateful Lost7 

[Sebastian Martinez]

Update

been past a year now and I’m still struggling….not much time has past, it feels  like it just happened yesterday . Still crying in middle of night. Any suggestions ? 

[KayC]

1 1/2 years seems a long time to you, you're in it, but in the grand scheme of things, that's not that far in, it took Gail 5 years for things to change, and I'd have to say for myself the same.  It took me that long to think clearly and be okay living on my own.  I'm sorry, not what you want to hear, everyone's timeline will be different, depending on so many factors, their own resilience, coping mechanisms, how much grief work they do (and I did plenty) such as counseling, books, articles, to be quite honest, I think even our family placement comes into play!  I say that half jokingly, but in actuality, I'm serious.

https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-sleep/
https://www.healthline.com/health/grief-cant-sleep#grief-in-the-body
https://pathwayshealth.org/grief-support/5-tips-help-deal-sleeplessness-loss/

Dream, How To Control Your (While You're Sleeping) | HuffPost

 

 

[MichiganDaniel]

5 hours ago, Sebastian Martinez said:

Still crying in middle of night. Any suggestions ? 

I was with my wife for twenty years, and we were close, in love every day. I’m sorry you weren’t able to be with her on that day. Everybody’s hospital story is unique but similar, and filled with fear, desperation, and being out of control.

In the time that I have been dealing with grief and separation, I have learned that grief is a function of the brain trying to continue relating to a world where we were together. I feel sometimes like I have accepted my loss, but my neurons haven’t gotten the message, because for so many years my brain spent a lot of time thinking about her, knowing where she is, what she might need, and how what I am doing in any moment  could be shared with her.

I’m told that the shock and intensity of grief transforms, that it changes from acute to chronic. The more love there is, the harder it is to live with the loss. I know that my brain will make new habits, but I also know that I need to give myself permission to let that change happen. I told myself, you’re not going to forget her. That’s impossible, and so it is ok to move on, to find joy and a new direction now that life has been bent.

You may just be experiencing normal grieving. I expect next year at this time will be hard for me too. But if it is more than that, there are people who know how our brains work and how to help them heal and learn to adapt. Therapy is difficult, and so many are booked or not responsive, but if you can find someone who understands what you have been through, they may have some ways to help. I know that, for me, learning about the process of grief has helped.

It’s like there’s a box with a storm inside. If I open the box and think about the hospital stay, waiting for test results, helping her try to be comfortable, hearing the cancer diagnosis and hearing her asking, Am I going to die, all that fear and anger and guilt can jump right back into my head. I remind myself that it’s okay to close the box, to have joy and cherish the memories of our time together as I face the new challenges of being alone and living with this new, sour world.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope you can find the peace that you deserve, the comfort that she would give you if she could. 

[KayC]

Well said, and what we all feel even if we didn't voice it so eloquently.

 

[RichS]

Sebastian:

We are all very sorry for your loss. I say this with confidence: Everyone on this board has been through what you're going through; so we know exactly how you feel. Please continue to post on this board. We all care for each other, here. WELCOME!!