Members Popular Post Listless Dad Posted April 2, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted April 2, 2022 A month ago my wife passed. I woke up and she was just gone... I'd been sleeping next to her and I didn't even know. I'm struggling with a lot of different emotions. I can't bring myself to speak outloud about her without crying. I've been staying busy with chores and the kids during the day, but nights are so so rough. She's not there to snuggle, to hold. I roll over thinking to touch her and the spot is empty. At the same time, during the day its like my libido awoke. She was in cancer treatment for more than a year and I've been suppressing my physical needs to not pressure her. Emotional too, playing the positive and hopeful counterweight to her catastrophizing.... catastrophizing that turned out to be right. Now, I can't pass by an attractive woman without noticing her. I can't help but wonder what would dating someone else be like. I feel hopeful at the prospects of someone new. And then I feel guilty. It's only been a month. What kinda jerk am I to already want this? I know I'm not ready for any kind of relationship. I know its a bad idea. If I did it and the kids find out, they probably wouldn't understand. Maybe even hold it against me. I'm lonely and empty and I miss her. 5 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 2, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted April 2, 2022 I am so sorry, how horrible. My sister died Monday morning, unexpectedly. I took care of her, she was disabled and has dementia. Her husband of 50 years passed 1 1/2 years ago, he'd been her caregiver. Life is hard. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You want to be wanted, mean something to someone, just give yourself time to grieve and get used to being on your own before entering into something. It helps to come here, to read & post, where others get it and understand...and care. No judgement here, just great people, all going through similar things. Of course you're lonely and empty and miss her.. It's been nearly 17 years for me and I miss my husband each and every day, I love him even more. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Steve79 Posted April 3, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted April 3, 2022 Hi Listless Dad. I'm very sorry to hear of your loss, and everything you must have gone through. Not only did you lose her, you spent a year knowing you were potentially losing her, then you actually lost her. I went through a similar thing. It's like a lot of little losses before the big loss. It's just loss, loss, loss. You did a highly respectable thing by not pressuring your ill wife for sex. A lot of people might not have been so restrained. So it's normal for you to have a libido awakening after suppressing it for so long. It's normal to feel guilty, but it's also normal to feel horny. You're human. The human spirit is meant to love, to frolic, to romance. Sometimes that spirit is not, or can not be focused on one person all the time. It can overlap. It has a momentum of its own, and doesn't necessarily respect your wishes for it not to. So don't beat yourself up over it. Libido just 'is'. It's a force for good, it's what brings us life. You have free will to act, or not act on it however. I won't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. However, I'd caution against indulging quite so soon, as your grief is so raw. If you slept with another woman, as well as potentially hurting her, there's a strong chance you will feel even emptier afterwards, and miss your wife even more. It will hurt you more. You don't yet have the emotional capacity to absorb another woman into your life in a healthy way you both deserve. You will know when that time is right. Attractive women are attractive women. They always have been, and always will be. They will be there when you are healed and ready to explore the wondrous labyrinth of romance once more. If you must approach other women now, please be honest with them about your recent bereavement and grief. It's the least you owe them, and yourself. I hope you can begin moving forward soon, and begin healing. 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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