Members DWS Posted March 30, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 30, 2022 One of the things that I've read and listened to in online conversations relating to grief and loss is how surprising it's been for those who seem to hurt more weeks and months later. At first, those stories confused me when we consider the cliched "time heals all wounds" but I get it now. Today marks a full five weeks since my partner Tom's unexpected passing and I'm noticing even more intense emotional pain as each day passes without him around (as if that was possible). When I see a calendar date from these past few weeks of a news story, comment, video posting or whatever, I stop and have to contemplate the fact that Tom wasn't here on that date. In those first weeks, it felt like months had passed since he'd been gone and now, it feels like it was just yesterday when we talked. I also now have a clearer, sharper vision of the person I love and miss. Could it be that my mind intentionally clouded this vision somewhat to help protect me from such sudden tragedy? 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Steve79 Posted March 30, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 30, 2022 1 hour ago, DWS said: Could it be that my mind intentionally clouded this vision somewhat to help protect me from such sudden tragedy? I would say yes. Now the fog of shock has begun lifting, your brain is processing your loss with honesty and clarity, hence the increased pain. In time it will settle down. Your mind lets you handle what you can take. Increased pain is a natural and normal thing, but it will decrease as time goes on, and you begin fully accepting your loss. You will come through the other side of this. I'm sorry you are going through this. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DWS Posted March 30, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted March 30, 2022 @Steve79...Thanks Steve. I feel like I went through the wringer this afternoon but calmer now. They are so right about these waves that hit us. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Steve79 Posted March 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 31, 2022 3 hours ago, DWS said: @Steve79...Thanks Steve. I feel like I went through the wringer this afternoon but calmer now. They are so right about these waves that hit us. Ugh, tell me about it. If you could have seen me Saturday morning! I was putting on a jumper (I think you lot over there call them sweaters ) and as it was half on I was hit with an instantaneous wave of hideous anguish like I've never experienced before. Like I'd been shot. Half dressed, I collapsed forward onto my bed, wailing out in pain, as if I'd been beaten with a club. I ended up ringing no less than 2 crisis hotlines in quick succession. I've never before been so desperate and crushed. A few hours later I was cracking jokes with my parents. It's great that you're calmer now. Nobody deserves these terrible waves of grief. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Canadagirl81 Posted March 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 31, 2022 @DWS I was just saying to @Steve79 that the shock does wear off BUT......it does return in waves like all of a sudden your mind re-realizes that they are gone and it sends a jolt of "shock" sensation through your body and it's horrific....at least that's what it does for me. Then it passes until it happens again and again. I can't believe on Monday it will be 2 months since Glenn left. Unreal. I watch this ted talk often...it's so helpful to me. I hope it is for you too. If you've already seen it then just watch it again lol https://youtu.be/khkJkR-ipfw Hugs. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted March 31, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 31, 2022 11 hours ago, DWS said: One of the things that I've read and listened to in online conversations relating to grief and loss is how surprising it's been for those who seem to hurt more weeks and months later. Very common I think. And not surprising in hindsight....early on, there are of course horrible moments of anguish, but I think for many there's also this kind of state of shock you're in, a numbness, which I think is simply a defense mechanism of the brain. Plus early on there's all this "stuff" going on...the funeral prep, the funeral itself, burial/cremation, financial this or that to close or change bank accounts, people checking in, on and on. Then as all that dust settles, and them being gone continues, it starts to really kick in that this is not a dream, they are REALLY gone. So I think in those early weeks/months, a real low kicks in. The upside is that - gradually - for most people, things improve. Oh it's never a picnic, and it's not nearly as fast as you want, but those moments and waves of grief start to lessen in both severity and frequency. As I've said before, it doesn't get "easy," but it gets easiER. And as impossible as it may sound, it is possible to regroup and have a life worth living again. DWS, your comments about time are something I've thought about many times. On the one hand, it feels like forever since I've seen her. And yet...I can't believe it's been as long as it's been. It seems like it happened just a year or two ago somehow. It's like time just stopped for me. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 31, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 31, 2022 On 3/30/2022 at 7:23 AM, DWS said: I'm noticing even more intense emotional pain as each day passes without him around It does as the shock wears off and we're missing them in our daily exchange. I keep thinking of things I want to tell Peggy...then it hits me afresh, slamming me. 13 hours ago, Steve79 said: I was putting on a jumper (I think you lot over there call them sweaters ) This is what we call a jumper! Ted's talk is good, worth watching! I am so sorry you guys are getting slammed so hard, I get it, I really do. (((hugs))) 13 hours ago, widower2 said: It seems like it happened just a year or two ago somehow. It's like time just stopped for me. It's true, it feels like a time warp. I can't believe it's been nearly 17 years for me since George died, and yet at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago! I miss him just as much today as I ever did! 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post LMR Posted March 31, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 31, 2022 15 hours ago, widower2 said: on the one hand, it feels like forever since I've seen her. And yet...I can't believe it's been as long as it's been. It seems like it happened just a year or two ago somehow. It's like time just stopped for me. I am also on this time warp. I am stunned that I have been doing this so long already. I frequently have no idea what day it is. I'm just trying to get through one day at a time. True, it has got easier, its 19 months for me now, but I no longer have a life of my own, I am sort of an accessory to other people. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LMR Posted March 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 31, 2022 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 1, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted April 1, 2022 I'm unable to view your jpg. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LMR Posted April 2, 2022 Members Report Share Posted April 2, 2022 Sorry I cannot get the picture file to load properly. The wording is: I have not heard your voice in years But my heart has conversations with you every day. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post typesettergirl Posted April 2, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted April 2, 2022 I’m so with all the comments here. It has been nine months now and after rushing around getting the “has to be done” stuff done I feel like the main shock is changing for me. Light at the end of the tunnel, fog has lifted… whatever the words something has shifted and my mind is experiencing more grief then in the past. I believe we all will have this as our lives. It will seem lighter at times only to become unbearable the next second. I talk to Joe all the time. It does feel very much present tense most of the time and unfortunately some of the times it feels as though I am getting communication thru snail mail. It all makes me feel different levels of grief. the TED talk posted was thought provoking to listen too. The picture that did not load but what was on there tugs at my heart. I know most of this post is not much sense but my mind is still somewhat in shock (I don’t believe I will totally get back to a point where my mind is fully functional). I feel the journal is great and I read someone is trying voice journaling. I don’t even know if I could organize my mind to talk at times. April Fools was a day Joe enjoying scaring people. Of course me being the top one. I did think yesterday would of hit me hard but I am in a spot worse then the day he died. Just doing what has to be done (fed the dogs and eat myself) all others will wait. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DWS Posted October 3, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2022 As the seasons change, I can see why it's a bit of a myth that time will heal this wounded heart. With autumn, this will be the third season change to happen since my partner's death and with it comes renewed awareness of his absence. He's not here to take part in all of fall's chores and activities just like he wasn't here during the excitement of springtime and he wasn't here enjoying the warmth of the summer sun. I find that each month carries its own feel to it so as each month comes along, I now have to experience it without Tom beside me. It's hard to heal when a new month arrives...like October...and all of the remembrances of that month re-opening the wound. The only thing time will do is slowly and eventually get me settled into a new reality but for all of those who don't know why us grievers can't be "better" yet after so long, blame it on time. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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