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As time moves on


DWS

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One of the things that I've read and listened to in online conversations relating to grief and loss is how surprising it's been for those who seem to hurt more weeks and months later. At first, those stories confused me when we consider the cliched "time heals all wounds" but I get it now. Today marks a full five weeks since my partner Tom's unexpected passing and I'm noticing even more intense emotional pain as each day passes without him around (as if that was possible). When I see a calendar date from these past few weeks of a news story, comment, video posting or whatever, I stop and have to contemplate the fact that Tom wasn't here on that date. In those first weeks, it felt like months had passed since he'd been gone and now, it feels like it was just yesterday when we talked. I also now have a clearer, sharper vision of the person I love and miss. Could it be that my mind intentionally clouded this vision somewhat to help protect me from such sudden tragedy? 

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1 hour ago, DWS said:

Could it be that my mind intentionally clouded this vision somewhat to help protect me from such sudden tragedy? 

I would say yes. Now the fog of shock has begun lifting, your brain is processing your loss with honesty and clarity, hence the increased pain. In time it will settle down. Your mind lets you handle what you can take. Increased pain is a natural and normal thing, but it will decrease as time goes on, and you begin fully accepting your loss. You will come through the other side of this. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. 

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@Steve79...Thanks Steve. I feel like I went through the wringer this afternoon but calmer now. They are so right about these waves that hit us. 

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3 hours ago, DWS said:

@Steve79...Thanks Steve. I feel like I went through the wringer this afternoon but calmer now. They are so right about these waves that hit us. 

Ugh, tell me about it. If you could have seen me Saturday morning! I was putting on a jumper (I think you lot over there call them sweaters :D) and as it was half on I was hit with an instantaneous wave of hideous anguish like I've never experienced before. Like I'd been shot. Half dressed, I collapsed forward onto my bed, wailing out in pain, as if I'd been beaten with a club. I ended up ringing no less than 2 crisis hotlines in quick succession. I've never before been so desperate and crushed. 

A few hours later I was cracking jokes with my parents. 

It's great that you're calmer now. Nobody deserves these terrible waves of grief. 

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Canadagirl81

@DWS I was just saying to @Steve79 that the shock does wear off BUT......it does return in waves like all of a sudden your mind re-realizes that they are gone and it sends a jolt of "shock" sensation through your body and it's horrific....at least that's what it does for me.  Then it passes until it happens again and again. I can't believe on Monday it will be 2 months since Glenn left.  Unreal. 

I watch this ted talk often...it's so helpful to me. I hope it is for you too.  If you've already seen it then just watch it again lol
https://youtu.be/khkJkR-ipfw

Hugs.

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11 hours ago, DWS said:

One of the things that I've read and listened to in online conversations relating to grief and loss is how surprising it's been for those who seem to hurt more weeks and months later. 

Very common I think. And not surprising in hindsight....early on, there are of course horrible moments of anguish, but I think for many there's also this kind of state of shock you're in, a numbness, which I think is simply a defense mechanism of the brain. Plus early on there's all this "stuff" going on...the funeral prep, the funeral itself, burial/cremation, financial this or that to close or change bank accounts, people checking in, on and on. Then as all that dust settles, and them being gone continues, it starts to really kick in that this is not a dream, they are REALLY gone. So I think in those early weeks/months, a real low kicks in. The upside is that - gradually - for most people, things improve. Oh it's never a picnic, and it's not nearly as fast as you want, but those moments and waves of grief start to lessen in both severity and frequency. As I've said before, it doesn't get "easy," but it gets easiER. And as impossible as it may sound, it is possible to regroup and have a life worth living again. 

DWS, your comments about time are something I've thought about many times. On the one hand, it feels like forever since I've seen her. And yet...I can't believe it's been as long as it's been. It seems like it happened just a year or two ago somehow. It's like time just stopped for me. 

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On 3/30/2022 at 7:23 AM, DWS said:

I'm noticing even more intense emotional pain as each day passes without him around

It does as the shock wears off and we're missing them in our daily exchange.  I keep thinking of things I want to tell Peggy...then it hits me afresh, slamming me.

 

13 hours ago, Steve79 said:

I was putting on a jumper (I think you lot over there call them sweaters :D)

This is what we call a jumper!  :D 

jumper.JPG

Ted's talk is good, worth watching!  I am so sorry you guys are getting slammed so hard, I get it, I really do.  :(  (((hugs)))

13 hours ago, widower2 said:

It seems like it happened just a year or two ago somehow. It's like time just stopped for me. 

It's true, it feels like a time warp.  I can't believe it's been nearly 17 years for me since George died, and yet at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago!  I miss him just as much today as I ever did!

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Sorry I cannot get the picture file to load properly. The wording is:

I have not heard your voice in years

But my heart has conversations with you every day.

 

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As the seasons change, I can see why it's a bit of a myth that time will heal this wounded heart. With autumn, this will be the third season change to happen since my partner's death and with it comes renewed awareness of his absence. He's not here to take part in all of fall's chores and activities just like he wasn't here during the excitement of springtime and he wasn't here enjoying the warmth of the summer sun. I find that each month carries its own feel to it so as each month comes along, I now have to experience it without Tom beside me. It's hard to heal when a new month arrives...like October...and all of the remembrances of that month re-opening the wound. The only thing time will do is slowly and eventually get me settled into a new reality but for all of those who don't know why us grievers can't be "better" yet after so long, blame it on time. 

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