Hard Times

[Tim8505]

I lost my girlfriend of over three and a half years 2 weeks ago.  I found her in our spare bedroom and I was home the whole time!  She is everything to me.  How can I cope with this traumatic loss? 

She's Chinese and I'm from the U. S.  I've been living in China for 5 years.  I met her in the summer of 2018.  We basically did everything together.  We've travelled to so many places:  Thailand, Chengdu, Sanya,  Xian, Beijing and more.   

It was the morning of March 14th.  She has been working from home recently because of the recent pandemic in Qingdao which is where we live.  That morning she kissed me and we both said I love you to each other.  When I woke up I played on my phone for about an hour,  maybe longer and I didn't hear her in the living room the whole time,  which I thought was weird but I didn't think anything of it.  I eventually got up to feed the pets and I noticed her laptop was on the couch which I thought was super strange because she should have been in the living room with her computer or taken her computer to work.  Because of this I checked all of the rooms and I didn't see her.  So I sent her a message saying you went in without your computer and did my workout.  Before the workout i looked for my cup and got my workout clothes from the room she was in (still didn't see her at this time).  After the workout I ordered food and was going to take a shower.  My towel is on the outside of the window near the side of the bed she was on.  I Still didn't see her.   It was only when I closed the window and turned back around that I saw her laying on the bed.  The emotions that ran through my body at this time were none like I've ever experienced.  Why is she laying here like this?  I came in this room three times and I saw no movement whatsoever.  Something is terribly wrong.  She never cones into this room.  I tried waking her up but when I couldn't I saw her face and it was the most horrifying thing.  She didn't look like she was sleeping.   She looked dead and there was foam on her face and her lips and toes were starting to turn purple.  She didn't look like the girl I've known for 3 and a half years.  That wasn't her.  So I banged on the neighbors door and we tried to do CPR and call an ambulance.  But it was too late.  She must have been laying there for three hours before I saw her.  The grief and pain I'm experiencing from this is nothing like I've ever faced in my life.  She was more than my partner.   She was the best friend I've ever had in this life and she was only 26.  I'm filled with regret that I didn't wake up earlier or that she didn't tell me she was uncomfortable. 

[PLin]

Tim,

 

It is a difficult place to be, we all understand your pain. Keep coming here and posting, you are amongst friends.

 

Hugs,

Lin

[KG21]

Take it one moment at a time. We are all here for you. Sending you strength. 

[Jen H]

So sorry you have to go through this.  We all understand and are here for you.  You found a good place for support and advise.  Your grief is very fresh.  There is no set way to deal with it.  Just keep getting up everyday and doing what you can to get through the day.  Don't put too much pressure on yourself though.  Take one moment at a time.  Come here and talk more about it and her if you think it will help.  

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Tim8505 said:

I'm filled with regret that I didn't wake up earlier or that she didn't tell me she was uncomfortable. 

I am very sorry for your loss, it feels the hardest thing in the world. I lost my closest sister (and best friend for 70 years) Monday morning...it sounds like she went quickly, no time to call out or get help.  26 is pretty young, did she have a condition that you knew of?  My heart goes out to you.  This has been a helluva week for me, I can imagine how YOURS feels!  I lost my husband nearly 17 years ago, since then several cats and dogs, countless friends, two sisters and my mom...my husband was barely 51 and we hadn't met until our mid-40s.  

Your mind must be reeling, I hope you have support there.  We welcome you here, you've found a very caring group of people, it helps to have people who "get it" and understand.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Tim8505]

13 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am very sorry for your loss, it feels the hardest thing in the world. I lost my closest sister (and best friend for 70 years) Monday morning...it sounds like she went quickly, no time to call out or get help.  26 is pretty young, did she have a condition that you knew of?  My heart goes out to you.  This has been a helluva week for me, I can imagine how YOURS feels!  I lost my husband nearly 17 years ago, since then several cats and dogs, countless friends, two sisters and my mom...my husband was barely 51 and we hadn't met until our mid-40s.  

Your mind must be reeling, I hope you have support there.  We welcome you here, you've found a very caring group of people, it helps to have people who "get it" and understand.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Thank you for the kind words.   It means a lot.   She didn't have any condition that I knew of but I found some empty pill bottles for heart medication so I think she had a heart condition.   She had died from a heart attack.   I'm trying my best to get through the grieving process.  Taking one day at a time is the only thing I can do. 

12 hours ago, Jen H said:

So sorry you have to go through this.  We all understand and are here for you.  You found a good place for support and advise.  Your grief is very fresh.  There is no set way to deal with it.  Just keep getting up everyday and doing what you can to get through the day.  Don't put too much pressure on yourself though.  Take one moment at a time.  Come here and talk more about it and her if you think it will help.  

Thank you for the kind words.   it means a lot. 

[KayC]

Wow, so young, it seems so unfair because it is. 

 

[Rhonda R]

Reading your story, I can only imagine how you are feeling but you are not responsible.  Either she didn't want you to know about her condition or she believed it was not that serious, what 26 year old would?  You did nothing more than what you do every day, how could you have known?  If this happened to a friend of yours, what would you say to that friend?  We often hold ourselves to much higher expectations than we would anyone else.  I took it upon myself to find a cure for my husband's cancer, I'm not a doctor and even they have not found a cure for cancer.  Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions.  You may at times feel as though you are losing your mind...this is normal unfortunately.  Your entire world has been flipped upside down.  Your heart, mind and physical being are trying to make sense of something that makes no sense, and struggling to do so.  Many of us here would agree that in this raw stage of grief, it's simply survival, going through the motions and doing what you have to do.  Sometimes even that won't be possible, and that's very normal as well.  Take it day by day, hour by hour, and moment by moment if you have to.  I'm 3 years and 9 months into my grief and I have found that the one thing that does help me some, is staying busy. That took a while to figure out and to have the energy to do it.  Don't look to the future now, it's too hard, just focus on today.  Those here will understand your thoughts and feelings, without judgement.  We understand how different this is for everyone.  I hope you have a strong support system in place to get you through these tough, tough days.     

[Rhonda R]

On 3/30/2022 at 8:47 AM, KayC said:

I lost my closest sister (and best friend for 70 years) Monday morning

I'm so sorry for your loss.  It's crazy how every loss seems to re-open the old scars of past losses.  I know you are the go to person on here but, it's okay to need others as well.  Every loss is different but still affects us.  I hope you are taking care of yourself and reaching out.  You need support too.  70 years is a long relationship and no one knows our truths more than our siblings.  Please, take care of yourself.  

[KayC]

It's so good to hear from you again, it's been a while!  Glad you're back.  You made it in just before their upgrade (website down).

[Tim8505]

On 3/31/2022 at 11:34 PM, Rhonda R said:

Reading your story, I can only imagine how you are feeling but you are not responsible.  Either she didn't want you to know about her condition or she believed it was not that serious, what 26 year old would?  You did nothing more than what you do every day, how could you have known?  If this happened to a friend of yours, what would you say to that friend?  We often hold ourselves to much higher expectations than we would anyone else.  I took it upon myself to find a cure for my husband's cancer, I'm not a doctor and even they have not found a cure for cancer.  Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions.  You may at times feel as though you are losing your mind...this is normal unfortunately.  Your entire world has been flipped upside down.  Your heart, mind and physical being are trying to make sense of something that makes no sense, and struggling to do so.  Many of us here would agree that in this raw stage of grief, it's simply survival, going through the motions and doing what you have to do.  Sometimes even that won't be possible, and that's very normal as well.  Take it day by day, hour by hour, and moment by moment if you have to.  I'm 3 years and 9 months into my grief and I have found that the one thing that does help me some, is staying busy. That took a while to figure out and to have the energy to do it.  Don't look to the future now, it's too hard, just focus on today.  Those here will understand your thoughts and feelings, without judgement.  We understand how different this is for everyone.  I hope you have a strong support system in place to get you through these tough, tough days.     

Thank you for the response.   Yes it does feel like that sometimes.   I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.  Getting support from you,  friends and family have helped more than I could imagine.   But yes I'm trying to find a balance between keeping busy and letting the grief take over me.   When it hits me I just let my emotions come out. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Tim8505 said:

I'm just trying to take it one day at a time

That's how I've done the last 17 years, will continue the rest of my life...

It's good to let your emotions out.

[Tim8505]

20 hours ago, KayC said:

That's how I've done the last 17 years, will continue the rest of my life...

It's good to let your emotions out.

It's all you can do really.  My heart aches every day.   

[Jemiga70]

@Tim8505  Hi Tim - I'm so sorry for this. So sudden and unexpected, which might be the worst kind of trauma, not to diminish anyone's grief, it's all horrible.  My wife/partner/soulmate of 15 yrs passed suddenly 11 months ago right in front of my eyes. Regret seems to be common, I know what that's like, believe me, and it seems to be automatic, part and parcel of grief. Try to stay in the moment, try to breathe deeply; hard as hell much of the time but it might help just a little. Ditto for walking / sleeping / eating / drinking water. You might want to keep coming here if it brings you even a bit of comfort. There is a good support team here, I appreciate everyone's input. We all get it, sadly. Wishing you some peace.

[tnd]

I am very sorry for your loss. Don't beat yourself up over it (not seeing her).  You may not understand this now or want to but, we can blame ourselves or ask all the what if's and why's we want but it won't bring our loved ones back. The only thing we can really do is to mourn our loss and try figuring out how to move forward with grief a part of our life now. 

[Tim8505]

On 4/7/2022 at 5:35 PM, Jemiga70 said:

@Tim8505  Hi Tim - I'm so sorry for this. So sudden and unexpected, which might be the worst kind of trauma, not to diminish anyone's grief, it's all horrible.  My wife/partner/soulmate of 15 yrs passed suddenly 11 months ago right in front of my eyes. Regret seems to be common, I know what that's like, believe me, and it seems to be automatic, part and parcel of grief. Try to stay in the moment, try to breathe deeply; hard as hell much of the time but it might help just a little. Ditto for walking / sleeping / eating / drinking water. You might want to keep coming here if it brings you even a bit of comfort. There is a good support team here, I appreciate everyone's input. We all get it, sadly. Wishing you some peace.

Thank you for the kind words.   Yes I still weep every day for her.   There are small moments during the day where I don't feel sad for a moment and then I instantly remember that I shouldn't be happy,  even though I know it wouldn't mean that I'm forgetting her.   My brain is hardwired into feeling sad and guilty. It's an awful feeling.   I've lost so much passion for the things I used to enjoy.   Now I only feel angry and extremely depressed throughout the day.   I hang out with my friends and it helps a little but then I just go right back when I'm alone. 

[HisPumpkin]

Oh Tim, I’m so sorry. My fiancé passed from a sudden heart attack on 31st March and honestly the first days / weeks that followed were a blur of intense grief for me. It’s day 23, and I’m a little calmer, occasionally, but still struggling to function and I think about him constantly. Any moment the sadness lifts even the slightest bit I feel guilty. It’s like wrapping myself up in my sadness keeps him close to me and I’m desperate to not let go, sometimes. 

There are many what if monsters that torture us when our loved one passes, especially suddenly, especially if we were present in some way and didn’t know. I’ve watched my mother go round in circles re my brothers passing, and always told her to stop torturing herself, nothing can be changed, you’re making yourself ill. Now I understand that it is not so easy to live with the guilt of feeling you could have saved someone. 

I think you are a couple weeks further in this horrible journey than I am, but it’s still very fresh and raw. I’m sending you a gentle hug and hope for healing. 

[Tim8505]

Yes I'm still going through the motions.   Crying everyday even. I understand the guilty feelings of coulda shoulda woulda.  I'm so sorry to hear about your fiance.  I also feel guilty about being happy, even if it's for a moment.  The grief also makes me feel more connected to my girlfriend.  I don't think it's gotten any easier.  I feel very depressed about it now.  I've lost a passion for life and the things that used to bring me joy.  My world seems so dark.  It's hard to tell if I'm progressing through this in a healthy way.  I hope you stay strong through your grief and never give up.  I'm here if you ever need to vent or get any feelings off your chest.  Best wishes. 

[HisPumpkin]

I cry everyday too. Today I have mostly slept but keep having such disturbing dreams. I don’t want to wake up though, because they’re of him and even though they’re all following a theme of period of separation, something coming between us, there is still hope for coming back together again, he tells me “it’s only for a little while, pumpkin.” Waking up is torture, because then the hope dissolves. Like you everything feels very dark. The future bleak. I want him back so badly. I even burst into sobs when I looked out the window, the tree was barren last time I remember paying attention, now it’s covered in the fresh green leaves of spring. And I cry because life goes on but he is dead, and I cry because I wanted to watch the seasons turn with him, knowing his love of nature. He’d think it was beautiful. And I can’t share it with him. It’s incredibly hard when everything is a trigger. 

I don’t know that there is a healthy way to progress though. Losing your partner changes everything about your daily life, because they tend to be the closest one to us. I can’t even seem to watch tv. I don’t really want to see anyone. I know depression is a part of grief, but I just want to scream like a child, “I don’t want this new normal, bring him back”. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. 

Always here too. Though I’m sorry I’m not very positive right now, at least here we can say what we feel and people understand. Try to stay strong is all we can do. 

[Tim8505]

I haven't had many dreams with her for some reason, but I have had some.  You have to believe you will see your fiance again someday.  I think that may be a message he's trying to tell you (if you are a spiritual person).  But yes adjusting to such a dramatic change in your daily life is extremely difficult.  I feel you when you say everything reminds me of him. (in my case her).  The best thing to do is let out all of your emotions when they come up and don't try to suppress them.  That will only make it worse.  It's also the hardest thing I've ever had to face too.  It's ok to not be positive now.  What has happened is a tragedy and I would never wish this feeling on my worst enemy. 

The story about the tree gets me too.  it's a hard truth when you realize timevand life doesn't stop for anyone.  After my girlfriend died I started noticing life continuing to move a lot more: People walking on the street, everyone still going to work and continuing their daily lives as if this special person you have lost has no effect on the world.   But you have to remember that this person IS special and will continue to be special even if he changed only one persons life for the better and made someone happy and gave them the best memories they could have had in this lifetime.  These are the truths you need to hang on to.  As long as you still live and breathe so does he and the memories you shared together.  Not even death can take this from you or him.  This does not mark the end of a relationship for you and your fiance,  but a new way to express your love for him, possibly in ways you couldn't have if you never experienced this significant loss.  You should grieve for him, but also remember to be happy and ask yourself what you would want for him if the roles were reversed. He would want the same.  

[HisPumpkin]

@Tim8505 you are a kind soul to find words of comfort for others even when things are so raw yourself. I have been looking into spirituality, Michael Newman kind of ethos, to try to find ways to live with the loss, to stay connected to D. At the moment I am struggling to not just hide myself away and surround myself in him, because I can’t bare to see the world continue to turn. I remember him telling me that I was better than any mortal man deserved, and I would tell him not to be silly, I’m just a girl, but he’d tell me I was his girl, made just for him, his perfect fit. We didn’t ever let a day pass that we didn’t express our feelings, and I miss that, so much. I still tell him every day. My being so broken would cause him so much pain and he’d want to fix it. 

Everything you say is very much truth, I know. It’s the doing part that’s difficult. Thank you for being a little ray of light in the dark, especially when it’s so dark for you too. 

[Tim8505]

Im I'm glad I could help in any way.  That's good.  This experience has caused me to check my own spirituality as well.  I think it's good to have moments where you surround yourself in him and grieve and cry your heart out until there are no more tears left to cry, but you also should give yourself a break too: Go to a spa, hang out with friends, exercise, etc...  Just trying to find a balance helped me a lot, but I know everyone goes through the grief process differently.  If it helps you to talk to him out loud, you should do that too.  Be good to yourself as much as you can during this hard time.  

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Tim8505 said:

I also feel guilty about being happy, even if it's for a moment.

Smile Permission

16 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

I don’t know that there is a healthy way to progress though. Losing your partner changes everything about your daily life, because they tend to be the closest one to us. I can’t even seem to watch tv.

We get through this the best way we know how to and it may not be the same as someone else does it, that's okay.  What'ever we can handle, whatever brings us comfort.  In the early days we do well to get up and get dressed.  It helps to have someone there with you putting food & water in front of you as we don't feel like eating at all (my daughter did that for me).  After some time we begin to push past our comfort zone, it took me a couple/few months before I could get groceries without him (something we always did together).  I did go to church but I remember how hard it was in the beginning...I'm up on the platform, I help lead worship in song and I remember his smiling face beaming up at me, now it was missing.  It hurt to see his empty spot, it hurt even more to see someone else sitting there.  In a few months I ventured out to eat alone, that was very hard, now I'm used to it, I'm alone way too much now!  It can still be hard to see "couples" as it gives me a twinge of pain as I think how George should be here with me.  It's been almost 17 years.  We get used to it but I miss him each and every day, I still love him.  (I couldn't watch t.v. for four years or read a book for enjoyment for ten years, my focus was definitely affected!)

2 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

@Tim8505 you are a kind soul to find words of comfort for others even when things are so raw yourself.

I agree!