Dark Days

[JamesKow]

Hello All,

I am not sure what to expect here. I thought it was time to find out. I live in very dark days, and maybe I am just looking for someone to tell me it will be ok. We shall see..

I am 52 YO and Nov. 7 / 2020 I lost my wife of 20 years, my 13 YO daughter and 11 YO son at the time lost their mother. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a year earlier. She had an 85% survival rating and she accepted surgery, chemo, and radiation like the strong woman she was. Everything was done according to plan and things looked great. 5 months after treatments finished, she was not feeling well. Turns out she was riddled with cancer. She passed 8 days later. I lost my best friend, and we did everything together. I am so lost, and my life has been ripped from me. I did not sign up for this. I constantly think of what we had planned.. just to grow old together. I cannot look at pictures, I have dreams and thoughts of her passing. I cannot get any of it out of my head. What she had to face in her final days. I believe and she told me she was so lucky to have me to support her. Does not help me though.

The kids are awesome and are resilient, they are doing well and that is my focus. They are happy children. However, I am not well. I did pretty well for some time, but the last few months have been hell. I just want it all to go away. I am tired of hearing “there is no right way to grieve.” “Everyone is different” “Time heals”. I need answers. At this point I really have no desire to work on myself. My energy goes everywhere else. I don’t care to be with friends. I am not interested in my old hobbies. I really do not want to pursue new ones. I love being with my kids and will always be there for them. They are getting older and will move on with their lives. I struggle with that too because I have nothing now.

I am super busy, which is good I suppose. Work has gone well and I have been promoted. I do everything with the kids. They are heavy into sports and my weeks consist of their school, driving them to activities constantly, cooking, cleaning, groceries, and making sure their lives are good. This however is getting tiring. When I do have time to myself, I just want to go to bed or watch sports on TV. I don’t seem to get much accomplished by myself. I feel if I have to force myself to do things, is it really worth doing?

This is really it in a nutshell. I am hoping someone can relate and let me know how things went for them in the 2-3 year period after a loss like this. Like I said, I am not sure what to expect, but hope someone can give me an answer or two.

Thanks for reading,

James

[Jen H]

Im 46 and lost my soulmate of 22 years on Oct 3 2021 to lung cancer.  Almost everything you said sounds so similar to what I have endeared for the past 6 months.  Though we didnt have any kids together and he lasted fives years is the only difference.  I am grateful for those years even though I watched the cancer and all the different treatments slowly destroy him and the hope that kept coming and going.  Such a wild roller coaster ride I wish on no one.  

Now I'm left with a future I don't want and no will most days to leave the house other than to work.  I have times where I feel like I'm progressing only to go backwards for no apparent reason.  I wake up everyday with that deep hidden sadness that I have to carry around with me and it won't go away no matter what I'm doing. I have no family and no real close friends.  Only my disabled adult daughter and disabled brother.  I'm grateful for them but worrying about and taking care of them along with everything else all by myself is overwhelming and exhausting at times without his support, love, and friendship. 

Like I said, it's only been six months and I'm no where near feeling like I'm dealing with this well.  I don't have the answers, I just want you to know you are not alone and I totally understand what you are going through.  I don't know if we ever heal from this.  We just learn to go on with our lives someway.  There are plenty of other people here that will probably message you that have been going through this a lot longer than me.  They have given me so much support and advice.  I don't know where I would be without them. Hopefully they can help you too. 

Lastly you sound like you and your wife raised some great kids and you are doing the best you can with them considering your devastation.  That is a huge accomplishment.  I applaud you!

[JamesKow]

Thanks for the reply Jen, I appreciate it. Your second paragraph resonates with me so much. I don't know if I will last on here, as the more I read I am not sure this will be helpful. Just fills me up with more sadness because as you said, we wish this on no one. Seems like a lot of folks living in misery, me included. And thank you for the last comment. I do hear this a lot and people tell me how well I am doing. I am just doing what anyone in my place would do, nothing special. 

[Jen H]

Believe me, getting out of bed everyday and doing what you're doing is special and an accomplishment.  Try not to be too hard on yourself.  We want this to be a sprint but unfortunately it's a marathon.  Hope for better days!

[Canadagirl81]

I just wanted to offer my condolences to you for the huge loss of your loving wife. I'm only 7 weeks in so I can't even contemplate what 2 to 3 years must feel like. I know there are tons of people here who know exactly where you are and can empathize. This is a beautiful community full of love and support. Time heals nothing....we just learn to make room inside so the sharp edges of the pain don't cut us as often but they will always cut. 
I'm so glad you have your amazing kids and I know you feel they will move on and leave you "behind" but I hope you know that's not true. There's really nothing any of us can say to make this "better" cause it can't be....but maybe just knowing you aren't alone will bring you some comfort.

Hugs James and welcome. Write anytime, we are all here for each other. 
~Laura

[KayC]

@JamesKow  I am very sorry for your loss but very glad you found your way here.  I'm glad things are going well for you at work, that speaks of your resilience.  It helps to post and read here, helps us know we aren't alone in what we go through, that someone else understands and yes, cares.

So glad you are here!

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.