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Understanding support (or lack of) from friends and family


DWS

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51 minutes ago, cmp34 said:

I keep telling myself that she means well, but she and I are two completely different people.  She's outgoing and can't sit still.  I'm an introvert that's happy staying at home and reading books from the library.  It's just frustrating when people say, "you should...." like they have all the answers. 

I think there's likely more than a few of us here who are more on the introverted side so you're in good company. There may be some merit to being outgoing and busy...where it's a way of dealing with grief that our culture deems as good but again, when we think of grief as unspent love, I'd rather stay with that than trying to dispose of it by staying busy. 

1 hour ago, cmp34 said:

Well, that went off into a rant.  I started by saying I was upset that people didn't talk to me.  Then I got upset with what they say when the do! 

This truly is our dilemma. People want us to "get out there" and start being social but we are also still dealing with raw emotions. Sometimes, what people say or advise can hit our hearts too hard and we end up wanting to stay isolated.

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You have to do things at your own pace and comfort level.  Flippant advice is callous and shallow, which says volumes about the person offering it. 

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20 hours ago, cmp34 said:

It's just frustrating when people say, "you should...." like they have all the answers. 

I understand.  They want to "fix" it but there is no "fix" for losing our spouse..  It's not like abracadabra and it's better.  And you're right, we're all individual.  You will find your way in time, this takes time, much time. 

Are there any local grief support groups?  Covid shut down the one I was leading, am thinking of starting one back up again.

I too cherish my time at home, peaceful, my sanctuary.  My puppy helps a LOT!  I'm sorry that dinner went like it did, they should have consulted you about having someone else there, that changes the dynamics from one of supportiveness and caring to killing two birds with one stone, not exactly helpful. :(

I'm glad your kids are there for you.  That helps.

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My George was a social butterfly, very outgoing/social.  I like a little but am more comfortable at home than being gone all the time.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

I understand.  They want to "fix" it but there is no "fix" for losing our spouse..  It's not like abracadabra and it's better.  And you're right, we're all individual.  You will find your way in time, this takes time, much time. 

Are there any local grief support groups?  Covid shut down the one I was leading, am thinking of starting one back up again.

I too cherish my time at home, peaceful, my sanctuary.  My puppy helps a LOT!  I'm sorry that dinner went like it did, they should have consulted you about having someone else there, that changes the dynamics from one of supportiveness and caring to killing two birds with one stone, not exactly helpful. :(

I'm glad your kids are there for you.  That helps.

You're right, there is no fix.  I've begun to realize that they feel a need to fix things because they are uncomfortable.  If they can find a way to make me happy, then they don't have to deal with my unhappiness.

Yes, there are a few  support groups.  I went to the one at Hospice one time, but it was cold and clinical.  They wouldn't let anyone give advice to anyone else.  You just told your story and cried, and then they went on to the next person.  I didn't like it.  On a positive note, I did find one that's run through a non-profit in our county, just for people over 60.  It's a great group, and love both of the women who facilitate it.  The only drawback is that it's only held once a month.  I live for the second Monday of the month!  I've also attended some Griefshare meetings at a local church.  It's a 13 week program, but I only went to the last 6 in the series.  They took the summer off, and will be restarting in September.  I'm already signed up for that one.  It's another good group of people, and I look forward to meeting up with them again. 

DWS, steveb, and kevin8988,

Thanks for your kind words.  I didn't realize there were so many introverts like me here! 

My husband was the life of the party.  He was my buffer.  When we went out, he was the one who kept the conversation going.  He could talk to anyone.  He was my buffer.  Without him, I feel like crawling under a table when too many people are around.

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17 hours ago, cmp34 said:

I've begun to realize that they feel a need to fix things because they are uncomfortable.

Exactly.  Honestly, I'd tell them, "I know you want to 'fix' this and can't.  It's something  I  need to find my way through."

Good, I've heard good things about Griefshare, they don't have one here locally, there was nothing all these years, that's why I started one, I have plenty of material and I let people interact, try to curtail anyone usurping/dominating discussion (I had one that sure tried!) but have a balance between covering material/topic, and discussion/interaction.  Everyone seemed to get a lot out of it and we drew close...nothing clinical about it, I wouldn't like that either.

I hear what you say about your husband, it's like mine took the lead socially and I cashed in on it...now, I'm alone way too much since Covid began.

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So something happened last week...I had a birthday and turned 61. I managed to face the day and my sorrow around Tom's absence. I never have been big on my birthday....most of the few friends I have left don't know when it is...but Tom was one who enjoyed celebrating these special days. He went out of his way to spoil me and admittedly, I began to like it...so I wasn't looking forward to the day at all. But as it turned out, the agony was more in the anticipation and buildup to the day rather than the day itself. It's interesting how this happens as I've seen others on here experience the same thing. I think when those times actually arrive, we've done our best to protect ourselves. 

But I am again baffled by my friends who did give me birthday greetings. This is the married couple that was there for me at the start when I told them about Tom's passing. At that time, they had offered me their new home as a place of refuge if needed and also invited me to lunch one day early on. Back then, I was still dealing with shock and politely declined their offers as all I wanted to do was isolate. Since then, I hadn't heard much from them in three months. It was nice to get their text to me with birthday wishes. I replied with a thanks; made mention that it was going to be a difficult day to get through; and wrote that I hoped both of them were doing well. I didn't get a response after that...no followup text...just nothing! I think this is what the kids today would call "ghosting".

Why wouldn't they respond with something like "I imagine it will be difficult"? Is that something hard for people to comprehend and write? Their seemingly dismissiveness with my loss really disappoints and hurts me. 

 

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2 hours ago, DWS said:

 

Why wouldn't they respond with something like "I imagine it will be difficult

 

Because you mentioned the unmentionable.

I had lunch with some friends, his friends really, for the first time since he passed which is approaching 2 years. They didn't talk about him at all. I find that in general people are uncomfortable if you mention them, or mention that you are having a hard time. It isn't what they want to hear and they'd rather not think about it let alone talk about it.

 

 

 

 

 

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Welcome, @Gord, I am glad you found us here.  I am glad some people have returned to your life...you are a bigger person than many of us, honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with letting go of some who have not been there for us...whether permanently or temporary, everyone's situation is unique.  Of course forgiveness is always key, not for them half as much as for US!  We don't want bitterness to take root and have the power to change us, we're going through enough as it is. ;)  
Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - Mayo Clinic
Sarah Montana: Why forgiveness is worth it | TED Talk
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

 

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22 hours ago, DWS said:

Why wouldn't they respond with something like "I imagine it will be difficult"? Is that something hard for people to comprehend and write? Their seemingly dismissiveness with my loss really disappoints and hurts me. 

 

20 hours ago, LMR said:

It isn't what they want to hear and they'd rather not think about it let alone talk about it.

@DWS, I hope you had a good birthday in spite of it.  I think it's like LMR said, it's about THEIR uncomfortableness and a reminder that {if it can happen to you, oh thought of all thoughts!  it can happen to THEM!} and thus it's not about you at all, it's about THEM and THEIR realizing their own mortality/vulnerability.  :(  I don't know which it makes me feel the most, sad, or angry, or just plain confused!

Considerations...

Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me 

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I've been watching the personal videos that Mark posts on his Youtube channel since discovering it months ago. This one came up in my feed again today. It's really appropriate for the topic of family and friends' support...

 

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Last week, I had a surprisingly nice chat with my financial advisor who called to do an annual review of my retirement savings. This is someone that I have been dealing with for over 30 years. My brother uses him as well and because of a talk with him a few weeks ago, my advisor was already aware of my loss. 

Our chat went really well in regards to how he dealt with my emotional well-being...first asking me if I was up to talking about the financial end of things or if another time would be better. Being in the career that he's in, he told me that he's had many clients that have had spouses and partners pass away but admitted that he has no idea of what that depth of grief would be like as he's not experienced it....but at the same time, he did a good job of meeting me within my grief which was quite comforting. The best thing was he asked me about my partner Tom and so I was able to tell him a bit of his history and chatted about Tom's adult kids and his grandkids.

That chat really revealed a lot of what I still need right now. To have someone sincerely express interest and concern to what's been lost is a comfort. It's what is meant by meeting someone within their grief. It's one thing for us to continually deal with such emotional turmoil but it does make it a bit easier when it's recognized by others. I just wish there were more people in my immediate realm who understood that. 

 

 

 

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18 hours ago, DWS said:

To have someone sincerely express interest and concern to what's been lost is a comfort

I'm so glad he responded appropriately with your grief.  So few in our society get it, let alone one who has not experienced it before.  It shows what a little insight and thoughtfulness can do.

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A friend of mine sent an email to me yesterday sending Christmas greetings. It has been over a year since we last were in touch so he didn't know about the loss of my partner Tom. In my reply back telling him about Tom's death, I noted that the past year has been spent mostly isolating, trying to process what happened and dealing with grief. His response back to that was interesting. I sensed this big concern of his that I shouldn't be so isolated...that I should be with close friends and family and not be so alone. 

This type of advice seems to be most people's immediate reaction. My sister said the very same thing back on that day when I called her to tell her my horrible news of Tom's passing. She, my brother, my other sister and her husband were all going out to dinner the next day and she encouraged me to join them..."you need to be with family". Thankfully, I was fully aware of what I didn't want and going out to a frickin' restaurant the very next day after my partner died was the absolute last thing for me to do!

I know that my friend's concern and advice had good intention behind them but our situations in lifestyle are much different. He has a wife and large family around him. I think the last time we were in touch one of his adult daughters had moved back home with her young child. He already had an adult son living at home as well. He's just got this big lively vibrant family life so, of course to him, the thought of being alone/loneliness likely seems like the utmost thing to avoid. But as I've learned...and I'm sure many here have as well...just being with others is not a solution. If I felt sincere, heartfelt support and respectfulness with my grief, a friend or family member's company would be welcomed but if their tactic is merely to distract and try to cheer me up, I'll choose aloneness instead. 

 

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NiCOLE.F.2022

OMGOSH… I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS AND ESPECIALLY FOR YOUR LACK OF THE TYPE OF SUPPORT YOU ARE IN NEED OF MY FRIEND! :0.(… MY GRANDFATHER JUST PASSED IN OCTOBER AND I CAME ON HERE TO HOPEFULLY DISCOVER BETTER IDEAS OF WAYS AND MAINLY THINGS TO SAY &/or SUGGEST TO DO TO HELP MY GRANDMOTHER COPE BETTER & PROVIDE HER WITH HOPE! :0.) BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I CANNOT FIND THE RIGHT WORDS, IDEAS, &/or SUGGESTIONS THAT MAY BE GENTLE, WISE, and MOST OF ALL HELPFUL… :0.( I MOSTLY DONT WANT TO SAY OR SUGGEST THINGS THAT MY OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS SAY TO HER THAT ARE THE SAME OLD THING THAT EVERYONE ELSE SAYS TO HER… THAT ISNT HELPFUL OR KIND IN HER MIND OR PERCEPTION IN HER REALITY OF LOSING HER BEST FRIEND, LOVER, and PARTNER OF 71 YEARS!!! MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE SOME SUGGESTIONS ABOUT WHAT NOT TO SAY…? NiCOLE

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6 hours ago, DWS said:

of course to him, the thought of being alone/loneliness likely seems like the utmost thing to avoid.

In addition to all of us being unique in our coping skills (I too seek solitude, perhaps too much) but men and women also grieve differently.  My FIL was constantly seeking activity and people after his wife died.  Thankfully he passed before Covid hit, he lived about 30 years after mom died.
Different Ways of Grieving
Different Ways of Grieving-old

@NiCOLE.F.2022  perhaps the best way to help your grandmother is to just be there for her, don't tell her how to do it,   I hope you find these articles of help:
Different Ways of Grieving-old
Being there for someone grieving
Avoiding the Cliches of Grief
Cliches - answers to

I want to add what a caring granddaughter you are to seek out information beforehand!

In addition, I usually give this to new grievers or people new to our site:
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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9 hours ago, DWS said:

But as I've learned...and I'm sure many here have as well...just being with others is not a solution.

So true. I've given that a fair shake often in the past 19 months only to maybe realize that not only is it not a solution, but also theres a good chance I walk away feeling worse -- even if the company are sincere, kind human beings.  Truth is, nobody could understand this hell unless they've lived it.  And even then, the  resources that I'm now starting to seek and that tend to be the most helpful for me are those that speak specifically to my type of loss  (sudden / unexpected / no time to say anything / high shock n trauma).  Take care DWS,

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