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Understanding support (or lack of) from friends and family


DWS

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One of my regular friends just text to ask if I've had a good weekend. I replied it was S's wake yesterday, and that it's opened up a fresh load of grief for me, so it's not been good. I ended the text with "How was your weekend?" She answered that question, but totally glossed over the wake & grief part like as if it wasn't there. 

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29 minutes ago, Steve79 said:

One of my regular friends just text to ask if I've had a good weekend. I replied it was S's wake yesterday, and that it's opened up a fresh load of grief for me, so it's not been good. I ended the text with "How was your weekend?" She answered that question, but totally glossed over the wake & grief part like as if it wasn't there. 

I’m sorry. Honestly, whether knowing that it was the wake or not, she’s bound to know your loss was recent. It’s not like you’d have spent the weekend doing the cancan 😢

My friends don’t even ask. I’m persona non grata. I think it just brings home how few deep, close, reliable connections I have with people. I’ve got so much more support via strangers on the internet. 

If you want to share about the wake, please share here. Talk about S as much as you want or need to. We can try to smile with you through the happy memories and cry with you through your heartbreak. 

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11 minutes ago, HisPumpkin said:

If you want to share about the wake, please share here. Talk about S as much as you want or need to. We can try to smile with you through the happy memories and cry with you through your heartbreak. 

Oh I did just that in my other thread :D

What's weird about my friend, is that she's my only daily friend (in the physical, local sense - I have a couple daily internet friends), as in, we communicate and chit chat every day, she's had several losses (mum, dad, sister, one or two friends), is a holistic healer, and a very gifted medium, yet virtually fails to even acknowledge my loss, yet alone talk with me about it. It's as if she doesn't want to know or talk about it, and it doesn't make sense to me. I think she might be frightened I might expect free healings or something, but there's no way I'd take advantage like that. And I'm pretty sure she knows that. So I don't know.

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10 hours ago, Steve79 said:

is a holistic healer, and a very gifted medium, yet virtually fails to even acknowledge my loss, yet alone talk with me about it

No offense to your friend, but just because she's a healer and medium doesnt mean she understands grief.  I know of several evidential mediums who, of their own volition, got training in grief counseling to better understand the headspace / emotional fragility of their sitters.

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It may be that, because she is a medium and finds great comfort in knowing she can connect with her loved ones in spirit, that her experience of grief is very different. Her default may be to tell you - but she’s still here, and she may feel she doesn’t want to push that on you, but then doesn’t know what to say, so is silent. 

I have found some people are very pragmatic about death. They accept it and choose to let life go on as normal. They think this is the best way, because it’s their way. But they can struggle with emotional empathy when it comes to things they haven’t personally felt first hand. 

My grief is visceral. All consuming and life altering. I wear it on my face, my body, in the tears I can’t stop, and it makes people avoid me because they can’t face it.

I can’t help it right now, I have no reserves to pretend, to bottle it. I grieve D like I love him, with every fibre of my being. People think I’m dramatic. But I’m just being me. 

I am told that it’s important to keep people at a distance who make me feel worse, to keep people close who understand. But that’s isolating when most people do not understand. Where is the balance, I wonder. 

I hope you can find peace and resolution with your friend. 

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18 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

No offense to your friend, but just because she's a healer and medium doesnt mean she understands grief.  I know of several evidential mediums who, of their own volition, got training in grief counseling to better understand the headspace / emotional fragility of their sitters.

Many, if not most of her clients are ultimately grieving (her mediumship inadvertently happens during some healings), plus my friend has had several losses herself. Perhaps I've mistakenly assumed she does understand grief. But you're likely correct. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe she never felt much grief through her life, and so doesn't understand it. I hadn't considered that. Maybe I've assumed every griever is consumed 24/7 by their grief for long enough to never forget what it feels like. 

I've always instinctively understood it, being an emotionally sensitive person. So I've never understood how people don't understand it, or cannot properly empathise with grievers. 

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16 hours ago, tnd said:

I'm thinking of finding a way to find out which of my new neighbors are alone and/or lonely and then doing things that will make them feel a little less alone in this world. 

This is wonderful!  What a positive outlook you have!  This thinking of others will enrich you and bless you in ways you can't imagine.  I don't know why but a children's book comes to my mind"  "Oh the Places You'll Go!" (Dr Seuss?) you have such a great attitude, I pray blessing on you in your life, sweet tnd!

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12 hours ago, KayC said:

I pray blessing on you in your life, sweet tnd!

Thanks, KayC! I hope to show my husband that I will be okay. 

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@DWS I’m not sure there is such a thing as overly sentimental. Some people don’t need physical things, to them it’s just stuff, they have their memories, they’re content with those. To me, everything of D’s is worth keeping. His clothes touched his skin. He carried his pocket knife and used it everyday at work. The suitcase he left here with the travel tags on it is still beside his side of the bed. I’ve got his ticket stubs, his passenger locator form, every message he ever sent me. Love note on the fridge. I’ve made a playlist of every song he ever shared with me. His pictures adorn my walls and I buy everything dragon related I see because it reminds me of him. 

His mom is sending me his boots, his bedding, his work hoodies, some of his art. His pipe, his cap. So much more than I ever expected her to, for which I am grateful. The family don’t want these things, have no need for them. But I am greedy for every little thing. They aren’t him, but they are physical things for me, to touch, to smell, to keep him close. Even if a time comes where I don’t want them so obviously visible, I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of them. They are precious to me. I will not have him be erased, he was and is too significant a part of my life. 

It probably also depends on the relationship - Toms daughter lived with him, saw him every day, was likely far more bonded in terms of truly knowing the things that made him happy, the essence of him, so it’s natural she would want to keep these parts of him. I think it’s fine for the brother to say he doesn’t want certain things, but why should he dictate what holds meaning for anyone else? It’s not his space they’ll be in. 

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14 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

His mom is sending me his boots, his bedding, his work hoodies, some of his art. His pipe, his cap. So much more than I ever expected her to, for which I am grateful. The family don’t want these things, have no need for them. But I am greedy for every little thing. They aren’t him, but they are physical things for me, to touch, to smell, to keep him close. Even if a time comes where I don’t want them so obviously visible, I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of them. They are precious to me. I will not have him be erased, he was and is too significant a part of my life. 

This is just wonderful to hear. I'm glad that D's mother is acknowledging the love and commitment you have with her son. These treasures she is boxing up will hopefully be with you soon!

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22 hours ago, DWS said:

Tom's daughter replied that she's noticing the silence and lack of support from people that she thought would be there for her. I was so saddened to hear that. 

It's amazing how loss alters our address books.

 

22 hours ago, DWS said:

But she's like me...it's not the damn music that's on them but the fact that they were his and they represent her father's tastes

Yes.  And so important to keep honoring our feelings and what brings us comfort and disregard other people's reactions and lack of support.  We learn who we can count on for support and who we can't.  And sometimes have to find it in new friends.  I did.  Ten years later she moved and oh how I still miss her seven years later!

16 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

I think it’s fine for the brother to say he doesn’t want certain things, but why should he dictate what holds meaning for anyone else? It’s not his space they’ll be in. 

Exactly.  And I'm glad you'll soon have those cherished parts of him.

 

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On 4/22/2022 at 9:57 AM, HisPumpkin said:

People just project their own beliefs on to us. What helps them, or how they think they’d deal with it. But they don’t know.

Exactly, they don’t know.  Some folks simply have no empathy for others, but expect such when a tragedy happens in their own life, which speaks volumes about them.  Bottom line, these folks don’t deserve your time or energy.  

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Just thought I'd post it here...the positive benefits we can get from talking to a therapist/counsellor who specializes in grief. I had my second session yesterday. Both sessions have been by phone so far. I have an in-person visit booked in a few weeks. These are free sessions via my doctor (thank you Ontario health care). 

What I found so comforting from yesterday's chat is my counsellor's focus and concern for my mental health and well-being. She knows the negative impact that grief can create on, not only our mental state, but physical as well. As the weeks continually flow by after Tom's passing, I have been feeling the pressures of life urging me to get on with things. Those pressures are fighting with my own want of self-care and dealing with my grief...and family and friends sometimes don't help in this fight as they usually side with the responsibilities and demands that life present. And yeah, we grievers know those responsibilities too however, it's so nice having that grief counsellor on our side of this.

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I read this passage from "It's OK That You're Not OK" and needed to share it. The author, Megan Devine, is describing the situation at hand to supporters of those grieving...

"When a bone is broken, it needs a supportive cast around it to help it heal. It needs external support so it can go about the intricate, complex, difficult process of growing itself back together. Your task is to be part of that cast for your broken friend. Not to do the actual mending. Not to offer pep talks to the broken places about how they're going to be great again. Not to offer suggestions about how the bone might go about becoming whole. Your task is to simply -- be there. Wrap yourself around what is broken." 

This is where it really is tricky for us grievers. Finding those with that kind of understanding, patience and attentiveness. It's why so many of us feel totally alone in this. 

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A friend of mine whose husband died about 6 years ago spoke about Megan Devine's book in unflattering terms. I decided to read it just to see why she didn't like it and I really liked it. In Part One she talks about what I call 'the insensitives and the intrusives' and her account is so accurate. I remember one of my very first posts here was about the 'I & Is' :) I find the challenge of dealing with them almost as difficult as dealing with my loss. They love to make me feel worse not better.

 

I had a fit this morning. A woman who I had a very casual relationship with and haven't spoken to in a few years somehow knew Ted had died and took it upon herself to spread the word. She told others, but did she didn't bother send me a note. I went away with my son and his family for four days over the past weekend to my grandson's hockey tournament. It was so lovely to be with the family all weekend, staying in a hotel, eating meals in restaurants and enjoying family time. 

 

This morning my daughter-in-law posted a few pictures of the weekend on FB and tagged me. I never post on FB but the pics of the family were fine with me. Then a friend of mine in the UK sent me a message this morning saying how sorry she was that Ted had died and told me how she found out. Turns out this above mentioned 'insensitive' who hasn't contacted me in the four months she's known Ted had died posted under the happy pictures of our family enjoying the weekend away the she was sorry Ted had died. WTF. There were many people who I had yet to tell. I would never post about the death of my beloved on FB. I was incensed. I sent her a scathing personal message. I am just sick of dealing with other people's cluelessness. Don't people ever think???

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Canadagirl81

@PLin That is seriously AWFUL! I am so so sorry. Wow...I don't even know what to say. I don't have facebook at all and I'm so glad I don't. People are insane. 

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1 hour ago, PLin said:

A friend of mine whose husband died about 6 years ago spoke about Megan Devine's book in unflattering terms. I decided to read it just to see why she didn't like it and I really liked it.

I guess I can sorta understand some people's disliking of the book because of how our culture conditioned us to deal with death. We figure that condolences, thoughts and prayers will get us through it, to let others dictate what's best for us, and be grateful for that...but countering all of that and coming to the rescue of the griever is Megan's goal. Because of her own experience with grief and loss as well as being a psychotherapist, she learned that it takes self-loving, self-honesty and self-awareness to work through one's grief journey and for those who are wanting to support, they need to listen and truly empathize with the griever. We're conditioned to think of this as something we deal with until we're better and carry on but it's always so much more intricate and complicated than that. That's the reason she wrote the book and at the same time, try to change our society's perception and actions for those in grief. 

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8 hours ago, PLin said:

Don't people ever think???

Mere days after my beloved wife passed on, my BiL -- who mustve also been in terrible shock -- said to me something like "You're still young enough to meet someone else."  As if THAT was on my mind.

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16 hours ago, PLin said:

I would never post about the death of my beloved on FB.

If it's on your wall you can delete her comment so it doesn't continue spreading to others.  People look at this stuff for months, I know, if anything is posted to public I get these stalkers/catfish and have to block/delete/change it to private...I rarely post to public but sometimes I do if it is info I want sharable for others as it concerns community not just family/friends.  Annoying!

I, for one, love Megan's book, I think it's one of the greatest, honestly.  I guess there's always someone who doesn't like something. ;)  And it's easy tto understand as in early grief ANYTHING can strike us wrong and give us volatile feelings!  It's part of grief.

8 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

my BiL -- who mustve also been in terrible shock -- said to me something like "You're still young enough to meet someone else."  As if THAT was on my mind.

This is where people get it wrong, they think they can fix this for us...no, it's not fixable.  Imagine saying this to a happily married couple, deeply in love, how inappropriate that would be!  Just because your spouse's body gave out does NOT change how you feel about them and your marriage!  Still very inappropriate to say to someone, no matter how many years go by but all the more so in early grief!

 

 

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I'm kicking myself for sending an email to a friend of mine that I've known for a dozen years. I wanted to share a pic of the pendant that Tom's daughter thoughtfully gave to me this week plus a bit of an update. His reply was rather cold and distant and after three and half months of me dealing with the loss of my partner, he includes this bit of advice... "We always remember, but it's also important to 'move on'".

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised to see it from him. He's never had a full-on relationship in his life. He's retired and fairly well off...I always got the impression that he's much more protective of his money and image rather than risk any of it on love even though at times, he has mentioned how nice it would have been if he'd had a longtime partnership or marriage. 

But that phrase and notion of "moving on" just angers me in so many ways. My response to this if someone should ever utter it to me directly is going to be "move on to what?" and let them answer it. Are they insinuating that I should move on from this little "blip" in my life. Surely they wouldn't be that crass and insensitive could they?! I know they aren't but, as we here learn from our grief, their words hurt...and the reason why they hurt is because it reveals their unawareness and dismissive understanding of what was great in our lives. 

Through all of this hellish grief that I've been going through, I now clearly understand my sorrows. First is the loss of a sweet man who's life mattered to many and who still had some good years left to enjoy to spend with his kids, grandkids and me! Second is my personal loss of someone that I had waited to come into my life after being single for so many years. And third is the relationship itself and all the wonderful ties, connections and special moments that developed from it. 

I will hopefully carry forward with this grief but there's no reason to move on from it. I pretty well know what my friend is inferring when he says "move on" and I don't like it. 

 

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Don,

Ahhh, the Insensitives and the Intrusives rise again. So sorry for the pain yours caused you. 'They' are one of our greatest challenges. It's why we isolate from them. Then we are isolated. It's just freaking crazy. I pasted a quote below that I had written in a FB group. I am feeling stronger in this area now. I have decided to call The Insensitives on their own BS. I'm sick of 'they don't know what to say', 'they mean well' and all the other stupid, unhelpful platitudes thrown at us. I have decided it is my duty to kindly educate them by telling them how they are making me feel. If they don't like it, they can walk away. We will find a tribe of compassionate people who seek to meet us where we are.

Love and hugs,

Lin

My FB post:

I love this post. Non-grievers don't get it. If you're not crying they assume you're doing alright. I have decided not to shield the non-grievers from my sadness, pain or any other emotion I am feeling. They want us to be alright as to not make them uncomfortable with us. I'm done with that. I am turning it around. Not hiding myself any longer. If I am willing to be seen then make yourself a little uncomfortable and see me. After all, it is me who has lost something precious. Please do not add to my suffering.

 

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21 hours ago, DWS said:

"We always remember, but it's also important to 'move on'".

OMG, I would not respond, unless I told him explicitly how inappropriate and hurtful and insensitive that was!  Feel free to email him one of these: (and BTW, I've been on grief groups 17 years, read books/articles, gotten counseling, led grief support groups, etc...we do NOT "move on" from grief, but instead learn to adjust to the changes it's made for our lives, and that process can take many years.  Unless/until THIS person goes through it, they have no clue what they speak of, they are merely speaking out of extreme ignorance...most of our society is in the same boat, unfortunately. :wub:

What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief
5 Things NOT to Say to Someone Who is Grieving - Grief In Common
http://www.griefspeaks.com/id9.html
 

 

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20 hours ago, PLin said:

I have decided it is my duty to kindly educate them by telling them how they are making me feel.

Yep!  I grew a voice when George died.  Now that my big advocate and protector was gone, I became my own.  Just when I least needed something else to deal with. :wacko:

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On 6/11/2022 at 12:32 PM, PLin said:

Non-grievers don't get it. If you're not crying they assume you're doing alright. I have decided not to shield the non-grievers from my sadness, pain or any other emotion I am feeling. They want us to be alright as to not make them uncomfortable with us. I'm done with that. I am turning it around. Not hiding myself any longer. If I am willing to be seen then make yourself a little uncomfortable and see me. After all, it is me who has lost something precious. Please do not add to my suffering.

That really is good!

This place where we're at is such a conundrum. I don't want to be alone but I can only tolerate a couple of hours being around others who aren't acknowledging my grief. I'm also the type that's not comfortable crying in front of others so not doing that blunt emotional display likely gives them the idea that things are "okay" now. I think back to about week seven into this when my sister called to invite me to dinner and I melted down on the phone. I was in distress and couldn't fight it despite any discomfort that might give her.  That was a direct signal to her that her brother wasn't "over it"...and I knew it because a few minutes later, my other sister got in touch with me so they were both instantly in contact with each other.

So there you have it! Break down in front of them and they get the message loud and clear that a few weeks or months passing by does not magically make this hell go away. 

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In some unexpected places there is light. When I drove myself (and Ted's remains) home from FL the last hour of the trip was brutal. I sobbed the whole way home. 

My cell phone wasn't working for some unknown tech reason and I had forgotten to call to have my wifi turned back on before I arrived home. I had a landline but no long distance. I called the internet provider and sobbed through the entire call. The woman on the line was so amazing. Compassionate. Understanding. Helpful. Under normal circumstances it would have taken a day or two to reconnect my service and she got it done within 10 minutes. I was so grateful for her kindness.  

Some people get it. Most people don't.

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Lin....you were so fortunate to find someone compassionate to help you in that moment and that'll stay with you. It wasn't Ted but it was at least someone reaching out and catching you...some small sense of love and care that was desperately needed.

I can't imagine how difficult your long drive home was that day but I definitely can understand how, in that last hour, your fight to keep composed all of those hours before weakened. It's a bit similar to when I go out to the store and know to keep it together all of that time but as I round the corner and go down those few blocks on the return home, the tears start welling up in my eyes. All I want to do is get to the front door to release the sorrow again. 

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@KayCThanks for posting the TED Talk "moving forward" video. I had watched it a couple of times before and watched it again. It's always interesting to hear something new that you missed earlier...likely because we can be in a different mindset each time. 

But I love this from Nora's talk..."Your friends and your family are going to sort of look around through friends of friends of friends until they find someone who's gone through something similar and then they'll push you towards each other so you can talk among yourselves and not get your sad on other people". 

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5 hours ago, DWS said:

"Your friends and your family are going to sort of look around through friends of friends of friends until they find someone who's gone through something similar and then they'll push you towards each other so you can talk among yourselves and not get your sad on other people". 

GENIUS!!!!! Exactly what we've been talking about. ROFL Don!!!! :) :) :) Thanks for posting that. 

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I had to go into 'town' to pick up a registered letter at the PO today. I decided to go and get gas and an Ice Capp at Timmies. On the way back I pass a chip truck that Ted and I used to go to on our same route. Dump. Curve Lake FN and Timmies. Chip truck. It made the trip to the dump a little more exciting! I decided to pull in for fries. The couple that own the place know us from our previous visits. Instead of a large (which we shared) I had to order a small. The woman had already written 'large fries' on the paper for her hubby to prepare. I had to tell her that Teddy had died and I was alone. She was so compassionate and as she comforted me she began to cry. I was so touched by her kindness. 

I thought I would tell you the story because we are so often faced with the opposite reaction that I thought it might warm your hearts as much as it did mine. 

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3 hours ago, PLin said:

I had to tell her that Teddy had died and I was alone. She was so compassionate and as she comforted me she began to cry. I was so touched by her kindness. 

That moment sounds so touching and heartwarming.

I often wonder if there's anything now that could help ease my pain while I learn to live with this and I think that that's the sort of thing needed...to have someone reassure me and show me they have sincere sorrow for Tom's absence and my loss. It would help take away some of this loneliness to have someone join me, even for a short while, in my world of grief. 

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12 hours ago, PLin said:

The woman had already written 'large fries' on the paper for her hubby to prepare. I had to tell her that Teddy had died and I was alone. She was so compassionate and as she comforted me she began to cry. I was so touched by her kindness. 

I'm glad she responded with compassion.  I think I've experienced all kinds, but those who expressed sorrow and acknowledging what a good person he was I still remember after all these years and it means a lot today when someone brings him up, which is rare nowadays.

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12 hours ago, DWS said:

I often wonder if there's anything now that could help ease my pain while I learn to live with this and I think that that's the sort of thing needed...to have someone reassure me and show me they have sincere sorrow for Tom's absence and my loss. It would help take away some of this loneliness to have someone join me, even for a short while, in my world of grief.

I certainly feel that for you Don, even though I understand that it isn't the same as having it come from someone in your circle. When people genuinely connect with us in that place of pain and loss it makes the burden a little bit lighter. 

In the early days following Ted's death I remember waking up one morning with The Who song 'See me, feel me, touch me, heal me' on my mind. Now when I am feeling disconnected from others I often bring it to mind. It is the being unseen that becomes so painful. 

Much, much love to you in the space of your sorrow.

Lin

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6 minutes ago, Goforth860 said:

Ppl get tired of hearing about it.

Yes.  Yesterday being the anniversary of his death...no one called.  It being on Father's Day, how could they forget?  All caught up in festivities.  I alone remember, I never forget, not any day, let alone the anniversary of death.  He is always on my heart and mind.  How could he not be!  He is my soulmate, my best friend, my love of my life!  No, never forgotten.

I posted about him on FB yesterday.  His daughter responded that she is glad she got to tell him Happy Father's Day.  I am glad too.  I pushed him to talk to her, I knew it was essential for her and that overall he would want that...he'd just learned and was grappling with his transition to death, to that other world, to meeting his maker.  That's a lot.  But I'm glad I strongly encouraged him to talk with her, it was essential and I knew overall it's what he'd want.  You see her mother took the kids when they were little, his son a baby, her a toddler, she remembers but her brother doesn't...he never saw them again.  I taught him how to use computer, it was then he finally found them, clear across the US!  They had different last names by then.  His ex-MIL knew but wouldn't tell him.  He got to know them through phone calls and pictures...his early death robbing them of a reunion.

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Yep. The one woman that only lasted a week and ghosted me was just... I was texting and calling her asking how she was and her family. Not her asking me how I was. Me asking her. She didn't answer any of my texts or anything.  When John's urn got here I asked her if she would be here with me when I opened it and I got  I can't.  That was it. So 3 weeks go by with me reaching out to her. She gave me some of her supper in the first cpl days so I wrote her a letter and told her I know I'd been emotional and probably not easy to be around and I know some ppl can't handle death very well. That they're at a loss for words. That it was ok. I just hoped the letter found her and her family well and I hoped to hear from her. Me apologizing to her. For what? Id just lost my partner and im apologizing to her. Still no response. When another 3 days went by I told her I didn't know what i had done to have her ghost me and that I shouldn't have been apologizing to her she should be apologizing to me for not being there. We had talked pretty much everyday for the past year ½. But now she's ignoring me. I told her to put key and journal in a fl bag and hang it on my door. She said ok. That's all I got was an ok. I told her that's just not me. I do t work like thar. I haven't talked to her since. I think I've seen her 2 or 3 times in the parking lot since. Like you said @PLin ppl are so insensitive.  Like were a bother. Like @Dragonfly999 said. Im going to talk about him. Its not even been a mth (as of then). Now it's not even been 4 mths and everyone is tired of hearing about him. Janet my new aid said I talk about him constantly. Which I do but he was my life. He was my everything.  HE STILL IS MY EVERYTHING!!! How can I not talk about him. We were the same person.  He was me and I was him. How can I just stop. It's NOT possible.  Not today and probably not ever

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Until it happens to them, some folks just can’t seem to empathize with others.

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16 hours ago, KayC said:

Yes.  Yesterday being the anniversary of his death...no one called.  It being on Father's Day, how could they forget?  All caught up in festivities.  I alone remember, I never forget, not any day, let alone the anniversary of death.  He is always on my heart and mind.  How could he not be!  He is my soulmate, my best friend, my love of my life!  No, never forgotten.

I posted about him on FB yesterday.  His daughter responded that she is glad she got to tell him Happy Father's Day.  I am glad too.  I pushed him to talk to her, I knew it was essential for her and that overall he would want that...he'd just learned and was grappling with his transition to death, to that other world, to meeting his maker.  That's a lot.  But I'm glad I strongly encouraged him to talk with her, it was essential and I knew overall it's what he'd want.  You see her mother took the kids when they were little, his son a baby, her a toddler, she remembers but her brother doesn't...he never saw them again.  I taught him how to use computer, it was then he finally found them, clear across the US!  They had different last names by then.  His ex-MIL knew but wouldn't tell him.  He got to know them through phone calls and pictures...his early death robbing them of a reunion.

@KayC I'm so sorry yest was so hard for you. I still.have trouble with days and death dates as well. At the end of Aug and the beginning of sept I do my best not to k ow the dates because of the tremendous loss of most of my family at the end of the year. My date Sept 14 97. Then 24 years later I had to lay my Snoop down on the same day Sept 14 20. So that's a dbl whammy now. Oct is ok. Then Nov 12 I got married to my Robert.  He Kade itb5 days before he passed. So Nov 17 08. Then mommas bday I'd dec 7th. She passed dec 16 18. My first due date was Jan 8th. When i got to hear their heartbeat and went to  the obgyn itvwas changed to Jan 15th. And now John Feb 28 22. I feel left behind by everyone.  So as tmyiu can tell the holidays are a rough time for me. Now this will be the first holidays without John.  I went through my bday without him. Fixing to go through his bday Jul 30 without him. That's going to be a hard one. I always did something nice for his bday. Last year I bought him a gaming chair. But on his bday I was doing my last pt office visit and there's a flower/plant shop at yhe strip.mall. so I bought hi. ½ a dz roses and 3 balloons and 2 cards. He asked me if I thought he was a woman.  I told him I just wanted him to.know how special he is and that this is how you're supposed to be treated on your bday. He hated and loved them at the same time. He did stop.and smell them often. The two cards i.bought him when I cleaned out one of his bins I found the cards. It made me cry but it let me know how much it meant to him. He was happy that I showed him.thar true unconditional love.. God I miss him. I.dont know what I'm going to do.for his bday.  I'll be in my new apt the begging of July. So I'll have the mth to get straightened out. Get settled in and then I'll figure something out. I know it's going to be a very hard day. I just pray that it's not a depressed day. I'd rather it be a happier feeling day. I do know THERE WILL be tears but I'm hoping a min so I can enjoy the day with and for him

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19 hours ago, Goforth860 said:

HE STILL IS MY EVERYTHING!!! How can I not talk about him.

Honestly, if these are the two kinds of people you have to choose from, I'd start over, find new friends, I don't need/want that.  I didn't have to choose, every single one of our friends disappeared on me in short order!  I guess death makes them uncomfortable.  That's too bad...no one asked ME if I wanted it either!  Too bad/so sad, they still have each other.  All but one couple...she died and then he hit on me!  Um, no way Jose!  Now he's dead too.  Life seems to march on for all but us...still, I look for it every day, finding whatever I can to be thankful for.  It's changed me.  I used to take life for granted, not anymore.  I realize how transitory it is...

7 hours ago, Goforth860 said:

it let me know how much it meant to him

Of course it did, we all need to know we are loved...that's what I now miss...

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It's been half a year for me now, and nobody ever mentions my wife or says her name anymore. not even my parents or my adult son.  I'm glad she at least had me to grieve for her, I say her name many times a day as I cry, even if no one hears it. Hopefully she does.

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20 hours ago, William M said:

It's been half a year for me now, and nobody ever mentions my wife or says her name anymore. not even my parents or my adult son.  I'm glad she at least had me to grieve for her, I say her name many times a day as I cry, even if no one hears it. Hopefully she does.

I am so sorry, it's been 17 years for me, and it's pretty rare anyone mentions George to me, most don't remember/know him, but my son put up his bow on his living room wall as a place of honor, he remembers him, but it's pretty rare anyone says anything to me unless I bring him up.  Still he's always on my mind and in my heart.  There's a couple of old friends that still remember but one moved away and the other said something to me the other day, but hadn't in years.  I'm sorry you feel you alone are grieving.  Some people are afraid to bring it up for fear of upsetting up, have you tried bringing it up to them?  Tell them it helps to talk about him, it's not like he never existed or can be wiped out of your mind!  :wub:

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry, it's been 17 years for me, and it's pretty rare anyone mentions George to me, most don't remember/know him, but my son put up his bow on his living room wall as a place of honor, he remembers him, but it's pretty rare anyone says anything to me unless I bring him up.  Still he's always on my mind and in my heart.  There's a couple of old friends that still remember but one moved away and the other said something to me the other day, but hadn't in years.  I'm sorry you feel you alone are grieving.  Some people are afraid to bring it up for fear of upsetting up, have you tried bringing it up to them?  Tell them it helps to talk about him, it's not like he never existed or can be wiped out of your mind!  :wub:

It seems when I bring her up to my parents they kind of ignore it. I guess they are uncomfortable saying anything. I wish I could talk to her sisters about her, as there was a troubled childhood for them and they all had a special bond. I know they loved her. However they have abandoned me after her death with no contact. I guess blood is thicker than water.  Shame.

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I don't know, you're blood to them also, I don't claim to get their "response" but I don't know them, I just know that there's a lot of people, relatives and otherwise, that are like that. :(  I'm sorry, I wish you had better support, I wish I had too, all of us!  My sisters cared but didn't have a clue and what they said was totally inappropriate grief response as I've come to learn!  Hence these forums...

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