Understanding support (or lack of) from friends and family

[DWS]

In a previous thread, I mentioned how disappointing it's been finding little or unhelpful support and concern from friends and family. Many here have sadly discovered that as well. During the first few days, there was an outpouring of concern after they heard that my partner Tom had died in his sleep but since then, it's been relatively quiet for me.

On a positive, I did have a friend drop by unexpectedly yesterday with a small plant and as we chatted over coffee, I sensed that he was becoming more understanding of my personal grief. Over the past few weeks since my loss happened, we had been only communicating through email but I think seeing me in person, he likely noticed how sometimes I couldn't finish certain thoughts and sentences without tearing up. He and I have never been that raw in showing such deep emotion in the past. I'm glad that he dropped by as I had always known him to be more sensitive and willing to listen to others.

But in my online travels this morning, I watched a helpful video by grief counsellor Jo McRogers whose video series I discovered this past week. In this video, she explores the second agreement of the self-help book The Four Agreements which is "don't take anything personally". Not taking things personally is something that I have been keeping in mind but Jo explains it well here and helps me gain some strength....

 

[KayC]

Oh yes...Every friend we ever had disappeared overnight.  Every single one!  My two best friends didn't even bother attending his funeral!  I can't imagine being like this with friends.

I'm glad you had a friend stop by and spend time with you.  That's all we need, someone who cares.

Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

[Canadagirl81]

Don, thank you so much for this video. I have been shocked by the silence coming from most of my "Friends and family." I am reevaluating a ton of my connections now since losing Glenn. It's disheartening. I'm so glad to have this community. I would be lost without it. 

[BlueFrog]

Interesting topic. It really is stunning to go through this experience. I know I just had no clue how it was to have a loved one so ill with a deadly disease, and again, no clue how awful it is to be widowed. It was interesting to see how friends and family behaved during Tom's illness and after his passing. The wheat is definitely sifted from the chaff in such an experience. I'm so thankful to the ones who reached out and really helped us. Others seemed absolutely clueless and useless (though it seems, in their own minds, they think they moved heaven and earth for us). Others stepped up in outstanding ways and did move heaven and earth for us! So, you find out who your friends really are. Some can be excused because, as they say, 'forgive them for the know not what they do'. But with some, there just isn't anything left of the friendship in the aftermath.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, BlueFrog said:

The wheat is definitely sifted from the chaff in such an experience.

For sure!  It re-writes most of our address books.  I can have 400+ FB "friends" but we all know that doesn't make them so.  It's those who are truly there listening, caring.  And the ones who are there aren't always who you thought were your best friends!

My family cared, but didn't have a clue what I was going through.  

30 years ago January my little sister had a baby born without a brain.  I was at church, she called me there and I got the news, she'd only been five months pregnant.  The doctor said the baby wouldn't have survived had she not taken such good care of herself.  It was her body's way of trying to miscarry but Courtney was born, kept alive.  She had the stem, but not the rest, she couldn't form a though or know her parents.  She couldn't hear.  She had a severe cleft palate, placement of her ears was lower than most, you could tell something was wrong.  But she had a very sweet spirit!  It was then I realized the spirit/soul does not reside in our brain (which I'd always thought of as the center of our being).  

Courtney had to have an operation to keep her for throwing up or she'd die.  She was fed through a tube in her stomach.  Julie's husband lost his business.  The medical bills bankrupted them.  He had to start a new business (which is flourishing still today).  Every aspect of their life was affected, including their little boy.  

Did we have a clue what she was going through?  No.  How could we?  Our everyday lives continued as usual.  It was their lives that were turned upside down in an instant!  Did we care?  You bet we did!  The events of the next two years were some of the hardest in Julie's life.  I will never forget Courtney's funeral (a month before she would have turned two).  Julie kept a journal during her life, she read excerpts from it at the funeral, there was not a dry eye/face in the place!  Kleenex passed everywhere.  She ended by saying, she was glad Courtney looked like her, she was glad she was her mom.

I wish we could have been more tangible help to her in those days...I live over three hours from her, was raising my young kids, had been taking care of my MIL who was bedridden with cancer, we were poor, barely having enough food to eat, hunting, canning, sewing, everything we could to make it.  We all donated to her cremation, even so it was a while before they could afford to claim the ashes.  

Sometimes we go through the hardest event of our life...we make it through it, people care, but unless you're in their shoes, you really can't know all they are going through.

[DWS]

11 hours ago, BlueFrog said:

So, you find out who your friends really are. Some can be excused because, as they say, 'forgive them for the know not what they do'. But with some, there just isn't anything left of the friendship in the aftermath.

This is where I'm at with friends of mine who are an older married couple. They were all on board with me in those first few days offering up their new house and hospitality as a place of refuge to get away if I needed it. Their invitation was heartwarming but I knew I needed the warmth, comfort and safety of my little house. A week later, they sent a text saying they were coming into the city and wanted to take me out for lunch. I thanked them but told them I wasn't up to going out to restaurants right now. That was the last time that I've heard from them in the past two weeks. Both of them are intelligent and thoughtful guys, together for over 40 years, and both have had health scares in their recent pasts. I would have thought they, of all people, would understand this immense emotional trauma of losing a partner. 

[PLin]

I read The Four Agreements several years ago. It has an amazing message. 

 

"Definitions belong to the definer, not the defined" - Toni Morrison

[steveb]

Timely thread … I was just thinking about this very recently.  It amazes me about how some people who were once friends detach after our loved ones pass. Maybe our pain reminds them that life can change in an instant.  Some would rather abandon a friend than acknowledge and be reminded of that fact. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, steveb said:

Maybe our pain reminds them that life can change in an instant.  Some would rather abandon a friend than acknowledge and be reminded of that fact. 

Oh yes!  Definitely!  I was 52 when George died, our friends mostly in their 40 but one couple in their 60s, they all disappeared overnight.  I think the 40s couldn't and didn't want to relate and the 60s it hit too close to home...but the couple in their 60s are still alive and some of the 40-ers are long gone.  One never knows...

[BlueFrog]

On 3/27/2022 at 9:49 AM, DWS said:

This is where I'm at with friends of mine who are an older married couple. They were all on board with me in those first few days offering up their new house and hospitality as a place of refuge to get away if I needed it. Their invitation was heartwarming but I knew I needed the warmth, comfort and safety of my little house. A week later, they sent a text saying they were coming into the city and wanted to take me out for lunch. I thanked them but told them I wasn't up to going out to restaurants right now. That was the last time that I've heard from them in the past two weeks. Both of them are intelligent and thoughtful guys, together for over 40 years, and both have had health scares in their recent pasts. I would have thought they, of all people, would understand this immense emotional trauma of losing a partner. 

Sometimes folks might make an invite, and if it's declined, they may step back, wishing to give you the space and assuming you will reach out when you are ready. So I don't think not hearing from them for two weeks is necessarily bad. Maybe drop them a note in the mail, thanking them for the invite and expressing an alternative that would work better for you, or just asking if you can take them up on the offer some time in the future.

[BlueFrog]

On 3/27/2022 at 9:36 AM, KayC said:

...Sometimes we go through the hardest event of our life...we make it through it, people care, but unless you're in their shoes, you really can't know all they are going through.

Word! I cannot imagine their experience with their sweet daughter. God Bless Them!

[KMkm]

I can't explain why it happens but I can only imagine how others feel.  It happens to all of us.  I believe is they have no idea what to say.  They love us and hate that we have to endure such pain but in fact no one knows what it feels like 'til it happens.  I can say for almost all certainty that if everyone on this thread lived close by we would be at each other's houses every chance we could.  I don't have many friends but my wife did and all of them try and contact me every few days.  One thing I realized is that people have a hard time trying to console a grieving friend.  They feel like they don't want to say the wrong thing so instead they say nothing at all.  One day I will ask some of her friends why they don't want to stop by and maybe they can tell me.  I feel like friends should be there through thick and thin.  Friends help when they don't want to not just when they feel like it.  I would do anything at anytime for anyone but some people only want comfort and laughter, and free stuff.  Sorry my sense of humor was good before but it's not back fully.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, BlueFrog said:

Sometimes folks might make an invite, and if it's declined, they may step back, wishing to give you the space and assuming you will reach out when you are ready. So I don't think not hearing from them for two weeks is necessarily bad. Maybe drop them a note in the mail, thanking them for the invite and expressing an alternative that would work better for you, or just asking if you can take them up on the offer some time in the future.

This is great advice!  It acknowledges their gesture while still honoring your own grief journey/needs right now and keeps their friendship open.

[DWS]

For those of us having difficulty finding support, here's a quick observation from Megan Devine who is the author of the book "It's OK That You're Not OK"...

 

[KayC]

Have I found this to be true!

[DWS]

36 minutes ago, KayC said:

Have I found this to be true!

I've been binge-watching Megan Devine's short videos that she's posted and wow, does she get this whole grieving thing. Her husband drowned a few years ago at age 35 so she speaks from heartbreaking experience as well as being a therapist. Here's another good one. I like that she mentions the word "attacking" because sometimes that's how it feels when others believe they know what's best for us. 

 

[William M]

Here's my story on the support I got from family!

The only one I could really depend on was my son, but unfortunately he lives 4 hours away. My parents were understanding, and sympathetic,  But offered no real help afterwards. I had gained a lot of weight in the preceding years before this ordeal, and my wife had taken over all the shopping. I had a real physical problem getting through the grocery store,to get needed items such as necessities for the dogs, food for me, and cleaning/ household supplies. My heart rate would go through the roof after several minutes.( I will not use those scooters!) I was really caught off guard by the tragedy, with no warning to prepare, and was in dire straits.  I asked my parents for a favor to pick up a few needed items from the store ( me paying of course.)  They did the favor once, then more or less suggested I figure it out myself! I know it was my problem, and they have their own life, but that seemed kinda cruel.They knew was was caught off guard with everything, and struggling.  I never asked them for help again, and just bought everything once a week from the easier to access" Dollar Store" until very recently.  ( Hard to find good diet meals at the Dollar store.)  I've since lost 90 pounds in the last 4 months, and my goal is to lose down to 175 pounds and NEVER ask for help ever again. I've learned the hard way that your mate, you kids and yourself is all you can count on. 

 

I've learned to always plan for the worst, and never leave yourself vulnerable where you need help from others that might never come.

[PLin]

William,

I fully understand your frustration, disappointment and anger that your parents were so unhelpful. That must have been really hard on you especially when you were clearly struggling physically. You have lost a lot of weight in a short time. Be sure you remain healthy and eat nutritiously. It is good that you have a supportive son. In spite of the disappointment with your parents attitude please try to remain open to the help of others. We need that support in our lives.

Hugs to you.

 

[William M]

Thanks!  I am trying to stay healthy, but had little choice in proceeding with a rapid weight loss.At least it has given me a mission to complete. I do feel better, and getting around much better It's been quite a hell,dealing with such intense grief, and at the same time having the fear of how I was going to keep the house duties going, and how me and the doge would survive. I made it through  and some how, as I posted before, I was even able to repair a classic Corvette, and my wife's ninja motorcycle, then get them both sold to generate additional house repair funds for more projects. Now I'm mainly just back to the grief part!

[KayC]

19 hours ago, William M said:

They did the favor once, then more or less suggested I figure it out myself!

I am so sorry!  We always shopped together, the store is 50 miles away so we'd make a day of it, grab a pizza, visit friends, then get groceries together, him bagging, me paying, him carrying in from the car, me putting away.  When he died it was a HUGE trigger that I couldn't handle!  My daughter got groceries for me until I was more ready and even then I'd bawl in the store.  It hit me, this he never got to try, he loved this, etc.!  It didn't matter what people around thought, I wouldn't see them again anyway, it was just hard to get through.  And seeing others doing what we'd always done together, them still having their spouse...

My heart goes out to you.  Congratulations on your weight loss, I know what a huge feat that is!  You're doing it!  So proud of you!  But try not to get into the stubborn independence mode, sometimes as we age we NEED to ask for help!  Maybe not your parents, a neighbor, a friend, someone from your church...someone.  I know I have, it's part of survival now, but I'm turning 70 this year and have had 11 hand injuries plus injuries to knee and toes...so I live with pain and can no longer do my own yard work and some of the maintenance.  I do what I can and hire the rest and have learned to do without what I took for granted all these years.

3 minutes ago, William M said:

I made it through  and some how, as I posted before, I was even able to repair a classic Corvette, and my wife's ninja motorcycle, then get them both sold to generate additional house repair funds for more projects.

You are learning survival and are DOING IT!  I'm so proud of you and hope you are of yourself!  Having survived such hard places helps us draw from it when we encounter other hard places, it's a benchmark by which everything else pales in comparison!  I've survived surgeries alone, broken right elbow (it's amazing how you learn to do things another way, like rolling a 40 lb bag of dog food into your trunk, then rolling it into a wheelbarrow and using one hand to push it, one to barely guide it...then dumping it inside the utility room door!  I had to drive a stick shift car, using a clutch with a badly messed up painful left leg.  Survived storms alone with my dog. When it comes down to it, we have only ourselves to count on but it's still important to ask for help when we need it.  Keep us updated on how you're doing as you continue...  You're an inspiration!

[DWS]

@William M and @KayCYou are both inspirations! My grief brought me to this site and through my tears, I'm seeing the benefits of that.  

[KayC]

17 minutes ago, DWS said:

I'm seeing the benefits of that.  

I have learned more on this journey than any other in my life and that says a lot because I've been through a lot in my life!  Enough I can relate to almost anyone but drug addicts.  I haven't figured that one out yet and probably won't.

It's good to see the positive side to things, in the beginning we can't see anything positive about this...even so, knowing what I do, I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to be with him for five minutes again!

[tnd]

I've no friends and have literally been abandoned by family during my most critical time of need. At this point, I can say I've got a clean slate and room for new friends and family. It's ours for the getting. 

[Canadagirl81]

I have to get this off my chest. I've talked about it with a few friends but...it's still bugging me.
I live with Glenn's parents and older brother Kevin (not for long as I have plan in the works and I should be moving in the next 6 weeks or so) Anyway.

A couple weeks ago I got a clear sign from Glenn that he was with me, or at least I felt that it was and I decided to share it with Kevin. Kevin lost his partner Arlo about 6 years ago and his beloved dog Ben just last year. He has their ashes in his room and he speaks to them out loud all the time. So I told Kevin of my encounter and he said "Why is Glenn still hanging around, he doesn't need to give us signs, he needs to go on to his next big thing." I just stood there with my mouth open. I told him I believe he is always with me and I hope he always shows me signs. He then said again that Glenn needs to move on and not hang around here. I dropped it and was really hurt because I just don't get why he wouldn't want signs from Glenn or to know his energy is here with us. 
Fast forward to the other day when I shared my potential moving plans to Kevin. He was so excited for me, I will be pretty close by and he kept saying how we can all visit and I will come here and have dinner and swim etc. Then he said "Glenn will move you in over there, get you all settled and then hopefully he goes off to his next big thing." WHY does he keep saying this???? I feel Glenn IS onto his "next big thing" but energetically he can still be with me and anyone he wants to. I want him to always be around. I don't know if it's a weird religious purgatory mindset he has going on (and Kevin is NOT religious) but enough. I didn't feel like getting into it with him so I dropped it but if he says it again I will absolutely voice that that is not my belief and to keep it to himself. I won't be sharing any of the signs I receive with him either. 
Just super confused and disappointed that he keeps saying it. Is he totally oblivious to the fact that it brings me comfort to know that Glenn is still around? Why talk to his loved ones out loud if he believes they are totally gone? So bizarre. Thanks for letting me vent. 

[KayC]

I would do the same, sometimes there's things we can't share with those we love and might like to for whatever reasons, and his persisting in saying that affects you negatively.  Hold onto YOUR beliefs and hopes and don't let him affect you if you possibly can.  It will be easier when you're on your own, I'm sure.  

[Canadagirl81]

Thanks sweet @KayC you always know the right thing to say 💗

[Steve79]

42 minutes ago, Canadagirl81 said:

I have to get this off my chest. I've talked about it with a few friends but...it's still bugging me.
I live with Glenn's parents and older brother Kevin (not for long as I have plan in the works and I should be moving in the next 6 weeks or so) Anyway.

A couple weeks ago I got a clear sign from Glenn that he was with me, or at least I felt that it was and I decided to share it with Kevin. Kevin lost his partner Arlo about 6 years ago and his beloved dog Ben just last year. He has their ashes in his room and he speaks to them out loud all the time. So I told Kevin of my encounter and he said "Why is Glenn still hanging around, he doesn't need to give us signs, he needs to go on to his next big thing." I just stood there with my mouth open. I told him I believe he is always with me and I hope he always shows me signs. He then said again that Glenn needs to move on and not hang around here. I dropped it and was really hurt because I just don't get why he wouldn't want signs from Glenn or to know his energy is here with us. 
Fast forward to the other day when I shared my potential moving plans to Kevin. He was so excited for me, I will be pretty close by and he kept saying how we can all visit and I will come here and have dinner and swim etc. Then he said "Glenn will move you in over there, get you all settled and then hopefully he goes off to his next big thing." WHY does he keep saying this???? I feel Glenn IS onto his "next big thing" but energetically he can still be with me and anyone he wants to. I want him to always be around. I don't know if it's a weird religious purgatory mindset he has going on (and Kevin is NOT religious) but enough. I didn't feel like getting into it with him so I dropped it but if he says it again I will absolutely voice that that is not my belief and to keep it to himself. I won't be sharing any of the signs I receive with him either. 
Just super confused and disappointed that he keeps saying it. Is he totally oblivious to the fact that it brings me comfort to know that Glenn is still around? Why talk to his loved ones out loud if he believes they are totally gone? So bizarre. Thanks for letting me vent. 

I'm just wondering if Kevin hasn't even started to process his grief over Glenn yet. Maybe he's in some kind of denial, and speaks about Glenn as if he's still physically here (moving you in, helping you settle, going off to his next big thing [suggesting Kevin will later acknowledge Glenn has actually passed], etc). 

He speaks out loud to Arlo who died 6 years ago, so he obviously believes her spirit is around, and by extension believe therefore in spirits. 

Has Kevin shown any overt outward signs of emotional pain over Glenn?

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Canadagirl81 said:

He has their ashes in his room and he speaks to them out loud all the time. So I told Kevin of my encounter and he said "Why is Glenn still hanging around, he doesn't need to give us signs, he needs to go on to his next big thing." I just stood there with my mouth open. I told him I believe he is always with me and I hope he always shows me signs. He then said again that Glenn needs to move on and not hang around here. I dropped it and was really hurt because I just don't get why he wouldn't want signs from Glenn or to know his energy is here with us.  

That would be hurtful and certainly not a very loving thing for someone to tell you in this moment. Do you think that maybe he's never opened his mind to such mystery? Keeping ashes of his loved ones shows he's a caring, sentimental guy but maybe the realm of their presence never occurred to him so he's casting it off? Or is he doing this more in a joking manner where the older brother's telling you he knows more of what his younger brother would be doing right now? 

[KayC]

Maybe share articles with him? 
5 Things NOT to Say to Someone Who is Grieving - Grief In Common
Helpful-NOT!

I'm sure there's many more out there!

 

[KayC]

17 minutes ago, DWS said:

where the older brother's telling you he knows more of what his younger brother would be doing right now?

IDK, he sounds more like someone ignorant of grief and what to say/not to say to others in grief.  Keeping in mind the death of his brother is a different relationship than loss of a spouse.  And even others that have lost a spouse can't compare relationships as some are close, some are not.  I knew someone who was RELIEVED her husband died because he was an alcoholic that beat her. I'd be relieved too!  She never wanted to remarry!  I don't blame her.  My loss was vastly different than hers.  Had I lost my kids' dad to death my loss would have been very different from my loss of George as we were not close or in love.  He was controlling to the point of abuse, not only with me but our kids.  Hence divorce after 23 years of feeling stress.  All losses are different.  I'm reeling from my loss of sister Peggy two weeks ago, it's not like loss of spouse but someone very close to me nonetheless.  I feel totally alone now, no one to share with, no one to care.    No one to share my day with as we always did.  God I miss her!

[Canadagirl81]

On 4/11/2022 at 11:02 AM, Steve79 said:

I'm just wondering if Kevin hasn't even started to process his grief over Glenn yet. Maybe he's in some kind of denial, and speaks about Glenn as if he's still physically here (moving you in, helping you settle, going off to his next big thing [suggesting Kevin will later acknowledge Glenn has actually passed], etc). 

He speaks out loud to Arlo who died 6 years ago, so he obviously believes her spirit is around, and by extension believe therefore in spirits. 

Has Kevin shown any overt outward signs of emotional pain over Glenn?

Hey my friend.... (Arlo is a man btw) 
I think Kevin is just deeply deeply hurting and projected his beliefs onto me without really thinking of their impact. I don't know how he grieves...he doesn't talk to me much about his feelings, he does say he misses Glenn from time to time though. If he makes the comment again I will kindly tell him that it hurts me and it's not my belief.  It's just such a sad situation all around. 

@KayC He's been through a ton of grief so I'm not sure about him being ignorant to it...but he's obviously processing his in a much different way and has a very different belief than I do. I truly don't feel he's being malicious but I was just so surprised he said it a second time when I said the first time I wanted him always to be with me. Almost like he was trying to force his belief into reality. Hopefully he doesn't say it again.  I'm so sorry...feeling alone is the worst....I know you miss Peggy....ugh, this is awful. I'm sending you the biggest hug. 

[tnd]

I don't know why it is but seems a lack of an understanding and support come with grief. I've seen it very few times where anyone has a real and full support network from family and friends. We're just kind of left on our own to find help. That's how I ended up on this site. There was nobody in the flesh. 

 

 

 

[Roxeanne]

On 4/11/2022 at 4:14 PM, Canadagirl81 said:

he needs to go on to his next big thing." I just stood there with my mouth open. 

I had a same reaction when one woman said to me: "let him go!"

Meaning that he had to do some spiritual jorney, and the only thing i wanted scream at her was: " i don't give a damn of it...i only want him back!"

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

He's been through a ton of grief so I'm not sure about him being ignorant to it...

I realize this, but some people (because they DO process grief differently) are ignorant ABOUT grief, not know what is good to say or not good to say or how OTHERS grieve!  That is more articulately what I meant.

11 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

I truly don't feel he's being malicious

Some of the idiotic things people said to me were not meant to be malicious but because of their ignorance, it can hit us as very hurtful all the same.  The articles I've posted about things not to say to grievers were written because our society in general is ignorant of such and needs to be taught what to say/do, what not to.   I've made it my study for the last 17 years, reading books/articles, talking to counselors and other grievers, without which, I might not have a clue either.  Not judging at all, just stating what I see.

31 minutes ago, Roxeanne said:

i don't give a damn of it...i only want him back!

Of course you do...we all do. (((hugs)))  As I've said before, I've learned so much on this journey, and I'd trade it all in a heartbeat to have five more minutes with my George.  We all would, I'm sure.

[Sparky1]

On 4/13/2022 at 10:20 AM, Roxeanne said:

i only want him back!

Roxeanne, I understand what you're saying. Every day I ask my wife to come back home. I ask God to either bring her back or to take me to be with her. I know the part of her coming back in physical form is impossible, and because of the longing for her, I grasp at straws. At times I do get a sense of her being here in spirit, it's a very weird and yet comforting feeling. So I have to wait to go and be with her. But boy, is the wait ever so agonizing. I wish time would move faster.

[DWS]

I ended up having, what turned out to be, a very special moment chatting with my nephew yesterday. I was having a major computer problem and since he works in IT at our hospital, I emailed him out of desperation to see if he could drop by some time to see if he could fix it. He dropped by on his lunch hour. The two of us hadn't seen each other in person over the past two years of covid so this was a good chance for us to do some catching up. 

His time was limited so I let him first tackle my computer and during that time, I asked him how things were going in his life. He said everything is just fine with his family and their house which is in a rural area outside my city. He is happily married, now 43 (yikes!), and his 10 year old daughter is doing well. He was able to figure out my computer problem and said he'd drop by again after work to drop off a couple of cords and a new mouse.

It was during my nephew's second visit that I was able to bring up the loss of my partner Tom which he knew about. He stayed for a long while so that we could have a good talk about it. I told him that I was learning all about this grief journey that I'm on and our chat morphed into talking about the loss of his mother (my oldest sister) which happened 13 years ago. He was 30 at that time. We hadn't had a chance to chat about my sister in a long time but, as expected, he carries his grief. There are many times when he wishes his mother could see how well her granddaughter is doing in school. She has the same reddish hair as my sister (and mine). The result of all of this was that we ended up having this beautiful, heartfelt moment. I figure that annoying computer problem was meant to be. 

[tnd]

7 hours ago, DWS said:

figure that annoying computer problem was meant to be. 

 

7 hours ago, DWS said:

figure that annoying computer problem was meant to be. 

It probably made your nephew feel comfortable to talk. Not always an easy thing to do for people grieving. Glad you had some face to face time with someone. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, DWS said:

I figure that annoying computer problem was meant to be. 

I am so glad to hear how it all went, such a blessing!  Sometimes (I believe) God uses those odd things to have something happen in our lives.  I love it!  Sometimes we don't get it at the time (blankety blank computer!!!  ) but later on looking back we see it and are thankful for it!

 

[HisPumpkin]

Thank you for sharing this.

On the night D died, I remember calling my boss. Telling him I couldn’t come in tomorrow. Trying to explain. Now, he’s my immediate supervisor, and something of a big brother type to me. His immediate response was, give me your address, I’m coming. After I explained to him who D was, since covid and home working have had us all somewhat distanced for years. 

I’ve been very worried about trying to explain to work, who didn’t even know I was so involved with someone. A lot of them are fairly dismissive, avoidant, get over it, including the higher ups. But my immediate boss is trying to fight my corner and helping me access services offered via my organisation. He doesn’t care how long I need off, but I know I need to try to get back soon. It’s just I work in tech, and I barely know my own name right now much less how to write complex code.

Anyway, I know he’s been trying to rally my more empathy fuelled colleagues (we have a very wide network of people we liaise with), who do drop the odd text. I’ve just not been in a place where I could reciprocate. I don’t really want to have a breakdown in front of acquaintances, it’s a vulnerable place. 

In terms of friends and family, after the initial few days, where I really wasn’t in any shape to respond, everything has gone silent. A few old friends whom I haven’t seen much for decades, actually rallied a little more. Those I considered my closest have disappeared. They got sick of my emotional meltdowns and the repitition after about a few days trying to listen. There’s just my mum, who keeps trying very hard to help me navigate this. Comes, cries with me, makes me food but doesn’t force me to eat. But she’s older and the travel is hard on her. I’d probably go stay with her but she’s allergic to the cats.

Its brought a lot to light: how isolated I am. Live alone, no kids. Have friends when it’s about fun stuff and socialising, but not so much about support through crisis. I understand they don’t know what to do, or say. I understand it’s an inconvenience to them to witness. I even understand that it might terrify some of them, because it brings the realisation it could happen to them. So they close their eyes. 

There is a danger in loving someone so much they become the centre of your universe, but then, isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? You are each other’s constant support, constant cheerleader, sharing all life’s ups and downs. It’s so lonely without them. 

I try not to snap when people give me platitudes. When people tell me, you have to let him go. I don’t want to let him go. I don’t need guilt that I’m stopping him from moving on to a “better place”. I have enough of that as it is. I want him here, with me. Even spiritually. Selfish? I don’t think I could continue without that belief, that he’s here still, just unseen, and that I’ll see him again when it’s time. 

I talk to him all the time. Out loud alone, in my head around people. I often hear him answer (in my head). People tell me I’m getting stuck in living in a fantasy world. That he’s dead, he’s gone, I need to focus on living. I don’t believe he’s gone, beyond the physical. 

People just project their own beliefs on to us. What helps them, or how they think they’d deal with it. But they don’t know. I don’t think they mean to be hurtful. But the only real understanding I’ve found beyond my mother is in spaces like these, where we are connected by this horrible experience of trying to navigate losing a soulmate. I am probably focussing too much time and energy here right now, but it’s the only place I’ve found where I actually feel understood. 

[DWS]

34 minutes ago, HisPumpkin said:

There is a danger in loving someone so much they become the centre of your universe, but then, isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? You are each other’s constant support, constant cheerleader, sharing all life’s ups and downs. It’s so lonely without them. 

That is the million dollar question in dealing with such tremendous loss. Our fast-moving culture dictates to us (always in a loving way, of course) that we must pick up the pieces and continue on....and I truly ask "continue on to what?" We found our piece of paradise with the person we loved. I keep wondering what more is there?!  

One thing that I am learning...slowly...is that I can or will continue on and carry my grief. I'll carry the emotional gifts that I received in having Tom as my partner. It's heartbreaking to have to carry those gifts alone but hopefully in time, I can share them without too many tears. 

[HisPumpkin]

11 minutes ago, DWS said:

That is the million dollar question in dealing with such tremendous loss. Our fast-moving culture dictates to us (always in a loving way, of course) that we must pick up the pieces and continue on....and I truly ask "continue on to what?" We found our piece of paradise with the person we loved. I keep wondering what more is there?! 

This is where I am, “continue on to what?”

I also get frustrated with the speed that society seems to think we should do it. Like there are stages and expectations and then, get over it already. 

I’m 38. Realistically I likely have many years left in me. Perhaps even another 38. That fills me with horror, but it is what it is. The first 37 were mostly not great. Then this last year has been magic. I truly thought that D was, finally, my chance at happiness. And I know how rare that connection is. I tend to people watch, as well as being that person all my friends take their woes to, and that combined with self experience and I honestly do know: there is a certain kind of love/connection that not everybody experiences, or even necessarily wants. But when you find it, you know. 

Society is a mess though. We become so completely disconnected from each other. Life in the city, I was sitting in the rain at sundown on a bench crying my eyes out (quietly). Dozens of people passed, most didn’t really see me, those who did, looked away, walked faster. One actually laughed. Even one persons kindness can make a difference. D would have stopped, gently said he didn’t want to intrude, but asked if I was ok. I want to be like D. Maybe that’s what I try to use to help me move forward. 

[KayC]

 

21 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

Have friends when it’s about fun stuff and socialising, but not so much about support through crisis

In reading this title again, I want to list these articles...I went through this in early grief, everyone disappeared overnight, my two best friends didn't even bother attending my husband's funeral!  
Friends, letdown
Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

[KayC]

22 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

I try not to snap when people give me platitudes.

Cliches of Grief - Avoiding the
Cliches - answers to

21 hours ago, DWS said:

I'll carry the emotional gifts that I received in having Tom as my partner.

 

20 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

Like there are stages and expectations and then, get over it already. 

The 5 Stages of Grief debunked

[KayC]

20 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

I want to be like D. Maybe that’s what I try to use to help me move forward.

That's what I remember too...

[Jemiga70]

On 4/23/2022 at 12:10 AM, HisPumpkin said:

I also get frustrated with the speed that society seems to think we should do it. Like there are stages and expectations and then, get over it already. 

@HisPumpkin  I learned that The 5 Stages of Grief (Elizabeth Kubler Ross) was never intended as a framework for grievers.  She apparently said so herself.  It was meant to apply to those suffering from terminal illness.  This messed up society doesnt even understand grief yet expects us all to rush through it on a weekend.  No wonder I stay home most days.

I am sorry for what youre going through. Wishing you comfort,

[Ray Meneses]

palearse73@gmail.com

 

[Ray Meneses]

I wish I knew about this site a few years ago.Lost my wife after three battles with cancer.My aunt had a severe stroke and I was left to take care of my grandma.My grandma passed at the age of 102yrs.Now my mom is very sick and I'm an only child.I am grown but I'm saddened to know I will be alone soon.

[KMkm]

I live in the country up in northwestern ontario.  Nature and solitude is nice but very isolating.  I can handle it though.  My friends don't talk to me that much, and my parents don't either.  My Dad was lives just down the road and I never really see or hear from him.  My in laws live across the road and I barely see or hear from them also.  Everyone tells me that I can take as long as I need to heal but they go back to their normal every day lives and never reach out.  I don't know how long I can fight this feeling or just give up but my kids need me so I will live my life as a widow.  When I finally leave this earth I will know that I fought hard and no one can say that I didn't give it my all.  

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I learned that The 5 Stages of Grief (Elizabeth Kubler Ross) was never intended as a framework for grievers.

Yes!  It was for terminally ill...I recently posted this on one of our threads: The Five Stages of Grief debunked  also this: The 5 Stages of Grief debunked
See the links also listed inside of it.

 

1 hour ago, Ray Meneses said:

 

 

You might want to remove your email address as someone could spam you and what's posted here is permanent for the whole world to see...

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Ray Meneses said:

I wish I knew about this site a few years ago.Lost my wife after three battles with cancer.My aunt had a severe stroke and I was left to take care of my grandma.My grandma passed at the age of 102yrs.Now my mom is very sick and I'm an only child.I am grown but I'm saddened to know I will be alone soon.

You have suffered many losses, as I have.  I have also been a caregiver.  It seems the longer I live, the losses escalate.  I am so sorry for all of yours and for what you are going through right now. 

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning
Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources
Anticipatory Grief: Symptoms and Purpose
Anticipatory Grief at Work
Multiple Losses

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.