New here. Just really sad.

[trumeans]

I lost my husband of almost 20 years to Covid six weeks ago.  I'm 61 and have no family. Thankfully, I have many dear friends who have been wonderful, but I am just so, so sad. It hits me like a wave and it nearly knocks me down.  A few hours before he died he was intubated (put on a ventilator/unable to speak) and his nurse called me and said "He's taken a bad turn, we're intubating him. He wants to talk to you." I knew what that meant. This was likely the last time I would get to talk to him. He said "Honey, I know you're sick too. Do you need to be in here? I'm so worried about you." And then we said "I love you" and the phone went dead. He was dead four hours later.

It only hit me TODAY that his last thoughts, even while he was dying, were about his care and love for me.  It just knocked me over that I hadn't thought of it like that before. It made me love him even more.

Just really sad today. I wanted to share that with someone.  Thank you for listening.  

 

[KG21]

I’m so sorry for your loss. He cared and loved you, and you can see that in your last conversation. I can’t take away your sadness, but we are all right here with you. I am so happy you are surrounded by wonderful friends. Lean on your people when you need them. I’m almost six weeks in, and every day is so different— Every hour is really different. Let yourself feel all the emotions and be easy on yourself. Sending hugs.  

[trumeans]

Thank you, KG. That was wonderful. <3 

[Canadagirl81]

I send you my sincere condolences for the loss of your beloved husband. You two look so happy together and so so full of love. You have come to a wonderful place with wonderful people who absolutely understand and can sympathize with all the emotions that come with such a tremendous loss of your person. You are so fortunate to have so many beautiful years with him and I'm so sorry for the pain and sorrow you are experiencing now. Like @KG21 I am also 6 weeks in too and I truly don't know what I would do without this community, it has been the biggest blessing. Sending you all the love and all the energetic support I can. Flow with your grief, be kind to yourself through all the emotions that come, even the ugly, angry ones. Be held by his love and know he is always with you. Talk to him out loud, he hears. 
Hugs,
Laura

[trumeans]

Thank you, Canadagirl. That was beautiful. <3  

[unmukt]

I am praying for you today..there is nothing more heartbreaking than losing the person you love so much, i am sending yoy biggest hugs . I hope you find solace in his ever existing presence around you . He will always keep loving and caring for you.

[KayC]

@trumeans I am so sorry for your loss...your picture shows it all, the love between the two of you, how you feel about each other.  My husband had just turned 51 when he died unexpectedly, it's very hard to absorb, this harsh reality is such a shock.  That was nearly 17 years ago Father's Day 2005.  I knew I could live another 40 years without him and the mere thought of that sent me into a panic...I learned to do one day at a time, even breaking it down into an hour or minute in that early time.

I'm glad you found your way here, I hope you'll keep reading/posting, it helps us process our grief and it's so important to know you're not alone in how you feel.  We're here.

I'm glad you have good friends around you!

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Gail 8588]

Trumeans,

I am so very sorry for your loss.   Like you, my husband and I were just heading into our golden years. Making plans and looking forward to when we retired.  (I was 62 when he died.)

It is a shocking loss to lose your life partner.  All your day to day comforts and all your plans for the future, gone.  But your love for him and his love for you will go on.

All I can say is we understand, our lives have been shattered too.  Come here to read and post as you feel the need.  It does help a bit to know you are not alone.  We will provide what comfort we can, as we all travel down this paunful path of grief.

Welcome,

Gail  

 

[Steve79]

Myself spending last week at the bedside of somebody special, saying goodbyes, then watching her wither away and pass over, I can empathise with you with all my heart. Your description of your husband's last hours and your last conversation together is so heart breaking. You look very much in love. Life is so cruel.

I have no words of wisdom about the waves that hit you, other than to say let them hit you and ride them out. It's all you can do. The waves are healing in action. Although I know that's hard to believe in the middle of a bad one. 

I hope you can find some comfort here. The people are very kind and show a lot of empathy. 

[Geri22]

My heart goes out to you.  I wish I had the words to comfort you but we are here for you. I am almost 5 weeks since losing my husband due to a sudden death.  The shock is wearing off and I am dealing with unrelenting sadness and hopelessness.  It’s like a nightmare you want to wake up from and go back to your old life but you know you can’t and you want to pound the wall and yell at God and ask why?  Then a saner moment you know life and death is part of humanity but you just never knew how much it can hurt.  It’s like thrashing in a dark inky cave trying to get out of this grief.  I am still struggling and wish I have the magic word.  I just want you to know I understand and I am giving you a big hug of comfort.