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Canadagirl81

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You're not alone here. Because both of our losses happened only a few weeks ago, we're likely going to experience similar moments around the same time. Right now, I find myself needing to stop during the day and remember certain familiar times with Tom just so that he comes back into clear view again. Early on, I printed three photos of him so that there is one in three different rooms. I'm finding that those are comforting.

But, what's likely happening in both of our timelines is that the full emptiness is being felt full on. Others seem to be moving on while we are deeply feeling true loss and as we feel them pull away, we really do feel alone. As widower2 commented, those videos are definite gold but right now, they're causing emotional pain. Sadly, I don't have any videos. I do have thousands and thousands of text messages but I know not to even go there. I don't know if I'll ever re-visit those...but they will always be there. 

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Canadagirl81

Thank you @widower2 I know I am so fortunate to have videos of him. I don't have a ton but the ones I do have are special and captured who he was and our connection. I'm sorry you don't have videos of her but I am glad you have the voice recordings, even if you can't really hear what she's saying. Thank you for what you said. 

@foreverhis Thank you. I'm glad to know it's common. I know I'm right at the beginning and grief isn't linear. I just didn't expect his beautiful image to hurt me. I am going to give them a break and see how I do. I will test myself as you say. Thank you for the support and I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. 
 

@DWS Thanks Don. Yes....remembering certain things so he comes into clear view....I totally relate to this. I love that have photos of him in 3 different rooms and that it's comforting to you. Glenn is on the wallpaper of my phone and I talk to him there daily. I seem to be okay with that particular photo so I will keep it and continue to talk to him unless something changes there. I know all of your text messages will bring you comfort as the weeks, months and years come even if you don't ever look at them again. Technology can be really awful but really awesome at the same time and I'm thankful that it was able to capture so much of Glenn. I appreciate you. 

 

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3 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

watching videos of Glenn is causing me pain. It’s only been just over 6 weeks but all this time videos of him brought me much comfort. I got lost in them, making me laugh, smile and feel close to him. Just now I actually had to turn them off, I couldn’t stand it. They caused such deep sorrow and an ache that I wasn’t prepared for. I don’t want to avoid looking at them or pictures of him but maybe I should for now? Even looking at his face looks different to me… not fading or I’m forgetting who he is but just…. They look different to me. I can’t explain it and it’s scaring me.  I will never understand this reality or how the world continues to turn without him in it. I’m really feeling so empty and so very alone. 

Although our losses are different (I lost my mom to a sudden cardiac arrest) I understand how you are feeling. You will never forget how he looks and how he was. You love him so much. How can anything related to him fade away? It's your brain bothering you. Our brains are our biggest enemies. Don't let it win. Your heart knows everything. Glenn is in your heart and I know you believe in afterlife. Glenn is right next you at this instance. You can't forget the love of your life ever. 

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2 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

@foreverhis Thank you. I'm glad to know it's common. I know I'm right at the beginning and grief isn't linear. I just didn't expect his beautiful image to hurt me. I am going to give them a break and see how I do. I will test myself as you say. Thank you for the support and I am so sorry for your tremendous loss.

I am sorry that you are going through this deep grief as well.  I wish none of us had any reason to be here.  Still, being here really helps, at least for me.  Especially closer to the beginning when I was so lost and feeling hopeless.  Even though the people in my life love me and John, mourn his loss, and do what they can to help, they know that cannot fully understand.  No one who hasn't "been there" can and even then, we are all unique in our experiences.  Yet we do have so much in common and can help each other--even if that help is in the form of simply saying "I understand" and the other knowing that we do.

I suspect you'll be surprised at what hurts and what helps and at how much that changes over time.  Right now, your missing him and your coming to terms with the reality probably has you all over the place emotionally.  I'd bet that having his absence thrust into your mind and heart by watching videos and seeing pictures, knowing that he's not with you, is part of what's making your pain worse right now.  The strangest things can trigger us.  I would figure out what I had to do each week and try to cram it into one day because the mere fact of coming home, cresting over the little hill and seeing the roof of our cozy refuge, was enough to having me sobbing before I got the garage door open.  But it doesn't stay the same.  With time and help, grief evolves into something we can carry as part of our lives, rather than the all-encompassing weight it is for you now.  I didn't even realize that I had taken steps forward (not "moving on"; we don't do that) until I looked back, so to speak, and saw that I had.  Now in my fourth year, I can smile and even laugh.  I remember all that was loving, wonderful, fun, silly, and even boring day-to-day as those memories and images came forward to mix in with the painful devastation of his last months and that final horrible day.  I am finding ways to be happy.  It's a smaller, different happiness for sure, but I feel it.

I won't lie or sugarcoat things by painting a rosy picture or saying that it's easy, but it is easier to live without him.  I miss John every day; he inhabits my heart as I try to pick up some of the shattered pieces and fit them together.  I feel the thread of love that binds us, but I will miss him until the day I die.  Love such as we here found is a rare and precious gift.  With it comes the risk, actually the certainty, that losing it will bring deep, lasting grief.  Yet I would still jump in with my whole heart because John's love and my life with him were worth everything.  Those are thoughts I try to keep in my mind whenever the waves of grief crash into me, though those waves don't come as often and aren't as deep now.  Many of the things like music, pictures, favorite shows and activities that hurt too much at first are comforting to me now.  Some things still hurt and bring tears.  Maybe they always will, but I'm okay with that.

Just getting out of bed, getting dressed, and "doing something" (anything) each day is a triumph.  Just being here is a step forward, IMO.  We are here for each other and we are here for you.:wub:

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11 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

Just now I actually had to turn them off

Such is the way off this twisting journey, seems sometimes damned if we do, damned if we don't.  I was that way about music, pictures, they'd go up on the wall, down, up, down, finally they were up to stay.  It's important to listen to ourselves and know what brings us comfort or pain in the moment.  Listen to your inner self.  (((hugs)))

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Canadagirl81

Thank you so much @Lost now I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. 

@foreverhis You have given me much hope with your beautiful reply. Thank you for being so open with me and sharing your experience. I am SO thankful for all the gorgeous souls here who truly understand what this is like. I would be lost without it. I'm glad you have settled into as comfortable of a place you can regarding John and his absence. Things that once hurt you at the beginning, now bring you happiness and being okay with the things that may always bring you tears, so so inspiring and beautiful. I like to think that my grief just shows how deeply I love Glenn and how special our connection is. I'm glad your waves don't come as often or as deep. I have no idea how mine will be but I will love myself through them all. Thank you again for your kind and thoughtful reply. I am here for you too. 

@Gagarina Nath Thank you my friend. Our angels are right with us, I know it. Sending you all my love.

@KayC I will listen to myself, thank you so much for the reminder. Hugs to you <3 I'm so glad you have the pictures up to stay now. :)

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I'm sorry you lost your love & I'm chiming in to say I experienced the same early on (my person died 2 years ago next month). Some days I looked through & stared at every photo/video of him I could find and on others I couldn't look at any of them. The extreme back and forth of what provides you comfort is normal (for lack of a better word.) Your loss is so new and raw. Your brain is scrambling to make sense of the  incomprehensible. Try not to assign meaning to--or feel bad about--how all over the place your needs and reactions are. How could they be anything but all over the place? Respond to your emotions and needs as they come. When something starts feeling bad, stop doing it. Take good care. 

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Canadagirl81

Thank you so much @SDC I truly appreciate your guidance. So sorry for the loss of your person and I send you love as the anniversary approaches. 

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19 hours ago, SDC said:

Try not to assign meaning to--or feel bad about--how all over the place your needs and reactions are. How could they be anything but all over the place?

This!

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Laura,

I was on a Zoom call with friends yesterday. (A group who met a few years ago through an Eckhart Tolle retreat). I was saying the same thing. Not about photos, in my case, but how I had had a good day, then in the evening I was lying on the couch watching hockey and just started to cry. (Ted hated hockey, so it wasn't that!) My friend reminded me that allowing all emotion is good. Crying is good. Anger is good. Joy is good. It is all good. What is not good is avoiding our emotions and distracting ourselves so as not to feel. Sometimes we have to distract, as the feelings are too tough to bear, but mostly the best way to the other side is through. The old, what we resist, persists!!! 

I think as most have said, looking at videos and photos can at times be particularly challenging. I would think the best plan is to follow your heart. It will quickly tell you if you are in the right space to do most everything.

Hugs to you,

Lin

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Canadagirl81

Today has been a rollercoaster.

I woke up feeling optimistic. Actual feelings of hope for the future, it shocked me. I don't know what happened but I was thankful this morning for a burst of energy. I reached out to my old boss, I contact some people I worked with back in New York, hoping to get the ball rolling on where I may be moving to and starting my new chapter.

Then I came upstairs and for some reason decided to go through Glenn's phone and look at ALL of the photos and videos on it again, I've already done this a few times.
As I was doing it, it made me laugh, smile, tear up but it didn't take me down. When I was finished, it was like the other shoe dropped. I have been sobbing for a good half hour now, I hate this. I totally HATE it. WHY HIM. Why did he have to go? This is a nightmare and I know these feelings will pass and I need to just love myself through them but man.....this is horrific. I just want to wake up. 

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Dear, I hope you let yourself feel all that the heart wants to feel. The desire to get back feeling hopeful can be a burden on you maybe. I let all the feelings pass through me , yes it makes me so much weak and vulnerable each day..but somehow people here have given me a hope to just keep going on, i don't know why I go on i just do ..maybe that's just the result of loving him so much. Take care love, i am always here for you. 

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We learn to ride the waves, let them come, doesn't matter if you're in a grocery store or driving (pull over), let the tears flow.  

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Canadagirl81

@PLin Safe travels, I know how hard this will be for you. Thank you for your words. I'm still feeling ultra low this morning. I thought sleeping would give me a reset but I woke with the same exactly feelings of despair and all optimism I had is no where to be found, oh well. This is just how it is.  Thanks hon, sending you hugs.

@KayC Thank you sweetie.

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17 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

Then I came upstairs and for some reason decided to go through Glenn's phone and look at ALL of the photos and videos on it again, I've already done this a few times.
As I was doing it, it made me laugh, smile, tear up but it didn't take me down. When I was finished, it was like the other shoe dropped. I have been sobbing for a good half hour now, I hate this. I totally HATE it. WHY HIM. Why did he have to go? This is a nightmare and I know these feelings will pass and I need to just love myself through them but man.....this is horrific. I just want to wake up. 

Laura....we certainly are experiencing this hell-ish journey simultaneously. I'm kinda getting the feeling that I don't really need to post anything because Laura will already say it in a comment of whatever I'm going through! 

But I will remind you of one of the key pieces of advice in Grief 101 is to be careful of making any big decisions during this time. 

I think of the sad story that happened to my uncle's common-law partner Alice after he died seven years ago. She came to me at that time because she knew of my talent of designing and printing memorial cards. I didn't know her very well at all. I just knew her as "that Alice"....that's how my dear mother always referred to her (long story)! Alice and I worked well together on the card and created something nicely fitting and honourable for my uncle. Unfortunately within months of his passing, Alice decided to sell the big house where they had both lived for years. I was really saddened when I heard that she moved into a condo and then she died a very short time later. I wished I had kept in contact with her more. One of my sisters would occasionally see her at the casino (she and my uncle loved the casino for a pastime hobby in retirement as if they needed the money!) but I truly believe Alice died from the classic broken heart and missing my sweet uncle. To this day, I keep thinking if only she hadn't sold that house and all the beautiful memories that rest there so quickly.

Hugs to you

Don 

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Canadagirl81

@DWS Thanks Don. I have to make a decision unfortunately. I'm living with Glenn's family. Glenn and I were here temporarily (for longer than we expected) I'm not working and I'm in a lake community in the Pocono mountains with really nothing going on. Glenn and I were planning on moving come fall but all that has changed now, he provided for us. I know my time here is coming to an end and I have to figure out where it is I'm going next.  Please think positively for me. 

That's funny what you said....lol I hope you keep posting even if it's exactly what I already have :) It truly is hell-ish but thankfully we aren't alone in it.  I'm feeling lighter tonight. 
So so sorry about Alice and what happened with her and her home....that's terribly sad. My Grandparents died 3 months apart. They had been married for almost 70 years and when she left, my Grandfather followed so closely afterwards. 

I hope you are doing okay right now.  Sending you so many hugs Don <3 

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On 3/30/2022 at 8:37 PM, Canadagirl81 said:

@DWS Thanks Don. I have to make a decision unfortunately. I'm living with Glenn's family. Glenn and I were here temporarily (for longer than we expected) I'm not working and I'm in a lake community in the Pocono mountains with really nothing going on. Glenn and I were planning on moving come fall but all that has changed now, he provided for us. I know my time here is coming to an end and I have to figure out where it is I'm going next.  Please think positively for me. 

I do now recall you mentioning the temporary situation that you're in so hopefully, you're able to find a new path that feels right for you. I'm so sorry for this loss and change that's happened for you. One positive with this website is that we can visit it whenever and wherever we are lead....so in essence, it is that constant friend that so many of us need. 

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