Step Daughter passed away, Taking loss extra hard

[sadden momma]

 If for nothing else, I am feeling the need to write.

 On October 18th, 2020, my 9-year-old (step) daughter was taken by her father and I to  a hospital outside our small town.

 after two separate trips to the local hospital within a 2-week period, we were exhausted and knew something was not right..... 

After getting to the major city, My husband and Daughter went into the hospital while i had to wait in the car ( Thanks Covid!!) 

 I remember thinking to myself, they have been in there a while now, then that message coming in from my husband, they are taking her to get a mri and cat scan, My thinking going to, does she have a blockage or something, Her symptoms were lack of appetite, throwing up, pain, even slight rise in the skin. 

being told previously that she was 'going thru growth spirts" or "she has a UTI".... so, while sitting there in the car, and waiting for answers as to why my 9-year-old daughter is hurting and sick.

 Then I remember that message coming in from my Husband " I am coming out, we need to talk" As soon as I saw him walking towards me, the head down, the look of pure fear and panic.

I knew, he didn't have to say a thing, I couldn't hold back, i started to throw up, right there in the parking lot of that hospital... my 9-year-old daughter has been requested to be transferred to children's hospital, they need a biopsy of her liver, we think she has cancer.

 That 45 minute drive to the next hospital, her in a ambulance, her father and I following behind her ( again, Thanks covid for not allowing us to be with our daughter). We made it in about 28 minutes.

We spent the next 3 days at Childrens Hospital, She had to have the biopsy, and see how she did after that.

 We where able to take her home while we waited for the test results so we could make a plan.

a week after being home, we received notice that we needed to come in and get results. The next day in fact, we drove the 2 hours to get the results and start making a plan as to how we are going to battle this.

 As we entered the doctors room, our daughter lays on the bed in the room, the doctor starts doing her vitals, and as we are talking, she informs us, it is cancer, it is in her liver, and we are at stage 4.

 She needs to be admitted and start treatment ASAP. We did not wait, we walked across the street and admitted her to children's hospital to start treatment. At this time we are on Date October 28th 2020 ( it has been a total of 10 days)

My daughter spent the last 10 days in a hospital bed, 1 round of chemo. There was nothing more the doctors could do. I remember sitting in the room with the doctors and nurse, the social workers from the hospital, all who were amazing, but after hearing the doctor tell us, "We have run out of options, there is nothing more we can do, if there was another road to take, we would" I said, ok, I am going to go and spend what time i have left, with  my daughter! 

 I only had this beautiful child in my life for a year, 1 year.... and she was my world, How do you slowly watch your world fade? How do you watch that beautiful light in someone, slowly flicker down till it goes out...... 

I beat myself up all the time, why didn't I push those 2 previous doctors/hospitals harder? Where their signs i missed previously? 

I know some people say everything happens for a reason, and I myself have even said it, but why this? She took her last breath at 4:45am On November 7th 2020. 

75 days to the day, January 21st 2021, My mother passed, her body finally gave into all the years and years of health issues. I think loosing her only granddaughter, just made it harder for her to keep fighting,  

By October 9th, 2021, I separated from my husband.

5 years married, 8 Years together, just so much had happened in that time. I am still trying to heal and i have no clue where to even start.

Been thru so much, in such a short time, i don't know if i have even processed it all. 

thank you for taking the time in reading this if you did... lol

I am not sure how this kind of thing works, but i needed to write....

} Saden Momma

 

[Silverback]

thank you for sharing, I always feel better about talking about it.