my neglected childhood pet bunny

[mmmbbb]

at nine years old i got a pet bunny and even though i was so excited about it i realistically could not take care of him on my own. until i got out of middle school i was able to keep up with him but it still wasnt enough. in highschool i became very depressed and i hardly ever left my room and i know i didnt let him play outside his cage enough. it kills me now to think about how i couldnt give him the best life. it hurts a bit worse because a lot of my hurt comes from my parents neglecting me as a child and its like... i see him like i see my younger self. 

when i was 10 my brother held a knife over him in front of me. when i would let his cage get messy my mom would yell at me and tell me "im going to put him outside" "im going to give him away to someone better". my parents always wanted to keep him outside in a barn and say like "if he lives outside he can have a bigger cage! we can get him a friend too".  i really really loved him so much an di used to say that when he died id kill myself to be with him (at 10 years old too); but sometimes i couldnt even walk past his cage without feeling guilty. i know that i love him so much but i never acted on it properly. 

i was never able to get him fixed, i wasnt able to give him a proper home, i couldnt let him play as long as he needed outside of his cage. i didnt spend enough time with him. i learned so much about caring for rabbits in that time and i feel so horrible because i knew my parents would not agree to letting him be in my room or even let him leave one room of the house it just hurts so much thinking about all the things i couldve done.

at 17 i was able to tell my parents that he needed a bigger space and theres so many xpens that we could get and diy something for him.  my dad took me out to get a kiddie pool and  fencing to set him up a bigger home in the living room. a couple days later in the evening he suddenly would lay down and not move for anything.  i played with him fine in the morning so i was so confused and we got an appointment for him at a vet in the morning. it was such a terrible feeling. i was crying the whole way  and when we got there. the vet tech was very very blunt and frank about his condition. she showed how weak he was to me by being able to lift his head up and down without resistance and just like grabbing him in ways i know he hated but he just let it happen. shes telling me hes depressed and weak and  they sent me home with critical care that i had to give to him all alone at home. it was just so traumatic. i syringe fed him and comforted him. i told him i love him and to please hold on  i am so sorry and please get better . i was laying on the carpet with him and he started walking again, really weakly hopping to his favorite spot on the bricks of our fireplace and he could barely get up there to lay down. i was just having to watch him die. i took a breather for a moment in the other room and i swear it was just like 5 minutes and my dad told  me that ollie had hopped a bit.. then laid down and just like that he was gone. i watched my mom who only ever yelled at me for not doing enough pet his still body, i watched my brother, who threatened to kill him, pet him and say goodbye.  it just made me so mad because how dare you say you miss him or cry over him knowing the things you said about him or things you did to h im . but at he same time i was just as bad becayse i couldnt care for him as well as he needed. 

 

i cried for days  and it just took everything out of me. i became even more depressed and  to this day the moment i think of him i cry,. when it rains harshly i worry about the spot he was buried in. as if like he was out there in the cold in the rain abandoned outside. when i was warned to evacuate my home from fires in my state i went out to him . i said over his grave "i am sorry i have to leave you here. i might have to go . i dont know if i leave if i will be able to come back and see you". 

 

i am now 22 years old and ive gone to therapy and talked about it a tiny bit but i really just wish i could see him again. and i wish he could understand me . i would tell him i am so sorry. i was hurting and i neglected you just like i was. we hardly had each other.  still i love you with all my existence and i will never ever forget you. i remember every circle you ran around me and all the kisses id put on your head. i wont ever let myself forget the feeling of holding you and petting you and spending time with you. i wont ever forget the way i neglected you. im sorry i took so long to make you a big home. sorry me and the cat were the only companions you had, i hope you didnt feel too alone with no one who speaks your language. i wish i couldve known you were sick sooner. its not at all your fault but i wish you werent wired to hide your pain.  i hope in your afterlife on the moon you find the best friends. i hope there is always a cool surface to lay out on.  i hope that the letter i left with you helped if there was someone who took you in. i hope the taste of  dried mangos and coconut is not ruined for you.  thank you for  being accepting of the new house when we moved back.. im glad you and the big cat got along well enough (im hoping she checked on you before returning to grandpa)

i have two cats now. the fuzzy one crawls into the same tight spaces as you did. her fur is the same mix of sleek and fuzzy as yours is.  the little one has your colors and doesnt like to be held either. it took me years to feel ready. i lay on the floor with them like i did with you and they like cool places rather than warm too. im so sorry that it took your life to make me  change.  im better now. i have so much in me like how i did when we first met. selfishly i hope you visit me in my dreams. i wish you well. when the moon is out i wonder how you are doing.  i love you, i miss you, and i am so sorry. 

 

 

[KayC]

Oh I think they understand more than you'd think about us and how much we love them and miss them and wish we could have been perfect with them...they love and accept us as we are and automatically forgive us...it's us that have a hard time forgiving ourselves.

I am so sorry for your loss, I know the depth of it, I've lost 15 cats, nine dogs, two parakeets, pigeons, goldfish.  I've always had pets.  I'm sorry your brother tormented you that way, kids can say/do some horrible things attempting to get a rise out of you, my guess is he'd feel bad for it now but not knowing him, can't say. 

12 hours ago, mmmbbb said:

im so sorry that it took your life to make me  change. 

Oh Hon, my heart goes out to you!  You were a child!  Children need overseen by parents, need shown how to take care of an animal, need the example TAUGHT to them!  Without that, I'm afraid the animal can suffer, we don't automatically know what we know now.  Please be forgiving of yourself, patient, understanding, as you would a friend going through this.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace. This includes bunnies, not only horses, dogs, cats, but all of them!

 

[Mandy25]

I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain. You sound like a very kind and loving person. You were only a child.  A child needs the guidance of their parents to care for an animal. You wouldn’t automatically know.  It sounds that you did give your bunny love and care as best you could.   He knows you loved him. It does appear that he lived a pretty long life for a bunny, so you must have done a lot of things right. Please focus on that and let all of the guilt go.  We all learn things from every animal that comes into our lives enabling us to do better for our next one.  I made mistakes at the end of my dog, Petey’s, life who died at 16, 3 months ago.  I now have a new rescue dog, Jack, who I will not make those same mistakes with.  I am an adult and am still learning.  Your kitties are very lucky to have you.