Missing my only child

[Grieving mother]

This is my first time posting on this site. I’m having a difficult time dealing with the loss of my only child   He died by suicide Nov. 7, 2015. Every day is a struggle for me to continue on. And honestly I can’t wait for this life to end. I’m not going to do anything to hurt myself but I feel like a person in a waiting room waiting to be seen. I keep having dreams of my son and I don’t want to wake up. Because if I wake up that’s when reality hits that he’s gone   My son was 27 when he died. But in my dreams he’s a little boy or a young teenager. And every time I see him I tell him I love him and hold him close. I know I should feel grateful to have these dreams but like I said when I wake up that’s when the reality hits.  I feel a terrible sense of guilt. I feel so guilty. Why didn’t I see the signs. They were right there in front of me.  In fact I stopped him from doing anything a month before he actually did it.  I feel like a terrible mother.  I failed as a mother. 

[Ash14]

You didn't fail as a mother! You loved him very much. You already did something but he made a decision. ( Im also an only child, and I also went through a phase where I am actually planning my death. I only have my mom and grandma, so when I was planning it Im already thinking what my mom would say and I already made this conversation in y head saying that " this is not your fault, the world had just been not good to me, and my brain cant process it anymore. I made this decision") So I believe that this is also what your son wants to say to you. Hope i can help you :(((

 

It would always be the "what ifs" that will hurt our brain the most. What if you did this and that. I agree that it is possible to do something for it to have not happened.  But remember that he decided to do it, he chose it, he made a decision. It already have happened, you now have to grieve and maybe in the future you can do something to celebrate his life in a way that will help others who are in the same situation as he was. 

 

Death is a weird thing, I do feel like time is just a concept. I often feel that the world is continuing and moving but I am just looking. Death will make us feel weird emotions. Each day that we are waking up is a new fight. But as long as we have another day I believe that things will be better. Maybe it will take more time or less time, but bottomline is things will get better. I believe on this right now that I am also grieving the loss of my grandma.