2 1/2 years since my husband passed

[BlueFrog]

Hello,

I'm new here. My 'story' is that my husband and I saved all our lives to move out to the country. We wanted to live in a rural place where we could have chickens, bees and a big garden. We planned to homestead and be as self-sufficient as possible. We planned to do this earlier in life, but circumstances didn't cooperate. We did it anyway, later in life, because we would rather have tried and failed than never have tried. We found a tiny fixer upper cottage on 16 acres in the North Carolina High Country. We moved 500 miles from our family and friends to our new little home. We were so glad to finally achieve our dream! My husband was a man of many talents, and our house was his main project.

About a year in, my husband started acting a little strange. Looking back, I realize this had been coming on for some time before our move. He was having trouble with his organizational skills, words and 'executive functioning' (the ability to plan a job by breaking it into sequential steps). The long story short is that he had a brain tumor. And not just any brain tumor, a Glioblastoma Multiforme WHO grade IV brain tumor. He was diagnosed on 7/23/2018, went through the standard of care. He had two brain surgeries, two types of chemo, radiation, a stroke, became wheelchair bound, and then bed bound. He died on 9/23/2019 at the age of 61. I was 55.

It's been 2 1/2 years now since he passed. My first year was spent wailing every day, processing the trauma of the illness, and doing things that needed to be done at the house. I adopted a wonderful dog from our local animal control, and she's been a real blessing.

Since we moved everything we owned, and I have no room for it all in our tiny house, I've opened a booth in a local flea market type place so I can sell what I don't need. I have a 5 year plan; cull my material possessions down to what is manageable and fix my house. At 60 I'll be eligible for SS as my husband's widow and will have some income. At that point, I will be better able to move (if I wish), or stay in the mountains and 'retire'. 

Because I'm so far from family and friends, I've been doing most things alone. Distance has isolated me, then Covid, and now the price of gas makes it impractical to travel. I spend most of my time alone, which I don't mind. I'm an introvert. I'm not lonely, per se, I just miss my husband. I have weekly skype sessions with some friends from home and I talk to my Mom usually once a week.

I've been on Celexa since my husband was diagnosed. I planned to start weaning from it this year, but ended up increasing my dose. I had turned a corner on the 2 year anniversary of his passing, and expected to be doing better in 2022. But I'm not. While I'm not suicidal at all, I still have no joy or meaning in life. I wonder each day why I'm still here and how long this dismal existence will go on.

I'm really kind of stuck. I know I have to let go of the life I had in order to step into a new life, but I'm unable to do so. I have no interest in dating or meeting anyone new. I wish this had happened when I was 80 or so. Then I could just accept that I wouldn't be far behind him and just putter until I passed. But I'll be 58 this year, and I might have a long time to go yet. We had no children. I have sisters and my Mom, and friends, but they are all far away.

So I keep working my '5 year' plan...which is now a 2 1/2 year plan. My big motivation in life is to clean up our mess. Cull down the things. Fix the house. So if I do happen to die, no one else gets stuck cleaning up the mess from afar.

My health used to be very good. Now I'm 60lbs heavier. I'm prediabetic with high cholesterol. Cooking in this tiny house is a chore, so I mostly eat frozen meals. When Tom was here, we ate healthy. Now I just don't care that much.

I've discovered Abraham Hicks, and that has helped me some. I've made the decision to try and find something to be happy about each day. 

My Tom has communicated to me in dreams. He's let me know that he no longer has any physical limitations and he's joyful. He let me know if he was still here, he'd be unhappy and we'd be at the hospital all the time. Before he died, he made me promise I would 'go on', do what I need to do without worry of what he would think, and not make a shrine. My husband was so FUN! He believed we are here to enjoy life. I know he would want me to be happy and enjoy the time I have left on this earth. I just don't know how. Life lost all it's sparkle for me when he left.

I don't usually reach out for help. Talking about it just makes me feel like a broken record. And there really isn't anything anyone (except myself) can do to make it better. Sometimes I meet people who have been widowed and they encourage me. They say it never goes away, but it becomes more bearable with time. Some have even found happiness again.

I'm no fun because all I do is talk about my dead husband. I feel like talking about what happened just keeps it alive in the present, and yet I'm always the one bringing it up! It's obvious from my accent that I'm not from this area, so folks usually ask how I came to live here. It's hard to explain why I'm here without bringing up my husband. I've been practicing how many times I can have a conversation with strangers in my shop without mentioning being widowed, or brain cancer, or how I came to be in the mountains alone so far from family.

Trying now to do better in the health department. As my sister said, whatever time I have will be more enjoyable if I'm healthy and not sick. So, I keep puttering along. Hoping that one day things might sparkle for me again. Hoping I can again treasure the gift that is life and make mine count for something.

 

[PLin]

Blue Frog,

I can hear the pain in your story. It is tough. My husband died six weeks ago. I have some really tough days but I also have some okay days. Like many here I spend a lot of my time alone. The social connections I have are just not satisfying. The small talk drives me crazy (it always did, to some extent) but now I just can't tolerate it. It intrudes into my little world of husband-less-ness. I think it is why this space is valuable. We don't know each other but we know each other's pain. I realize now that one cannot know or understand grief until one is there. I know I was just floored by the depth of the pain. I think that's why we do tend to isolate, people think the solution to our grief is to cheer us up, and that does not work. Our pain makes them uncomfortable, puts them in touch with something they don't want to look at which is inconvenient of us. So the sooner we stop doing that the better they feel!

I am in the country too. I'm not sure if I will stay, it's too soon to make those choices. It feels strange to know that I have to rely on myself to make any decisions. 

There is nothing wrong with talking about your husband. I talk to and about Ted all the time. I still say 'we' 'our house' etc. as if he is still here. I sometimes notice people look at me a bit funny, but who cares.

I am glad you came here. You will find understanding and support. It is a great community.

Hugs,

Lin 

[GoldenRose]

Hi @BlueFrog Welcome to the forum!  Here you will find a lovely community of wonderful people who have experienced and are experiencing the same thing as you! 
I would love to hear all about your dead husband! I too love to talk about my husband, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that! 
What kind of dog did you adopt? 
Have you ever considered grief support groups or counseling?

[BlueFrog]

Thank you PLin and GoldenRose! I know I had no idea how hard widowhood was until it happened to me. I think I probably judge myself harder than others judge me. I also use plural words when describing life. These days it's mixed - sometimes plural, sometimes singular. PLin, I also have little tolerance for meaningless chatter. And that has always been true for me. Being alone in the country has been a bit scary! I'm so thankful for youtube tutorials, where I learned to install pex plumbing and how to do some easier auto repairs. I'm also being very mindful of not making any big decisions until some time has passed and I'm sure I won't have regrets.

GoldenRose, I did attend a monthly grief group at the local senior center in the months following Tom's death. I liked those meetings, but they ended when Covid struck, and they have not resumed. There is a Grief Share group on the other side of my county. I attended an introductory meeting there a year or so ago when they did their 'Loss of a Spouse' series. It wasn't a good fit for me. I'm believer in a God, but not a Christian. I believe Jesus lived and that his teachings were outstanding and his behavior is something to strive for. But I am not personally 'saved'. Here, I'm an oddball because I'm not 'saved'. The other thing I observed there were longtime widows who seemed to be attending the meeting only to meet widowed men!  The whole thing just made me very uncomfortable, so I didn't go back. 

The same church now has another Loss of a Spouse series happening. If they had zoom meetings I would probably attend. Distance, my dog, night driving and the price of gas make it not a good for me to attend in person.

My dog is a lovely mixed breed from our local animal control. She is now about 7 years old. She has some blue heeler, but not sure what else. She has been an excellent partner. I had three cats when Tom died. They were all getting on in years...now I'm down to one cat. I have a strong commitment to my pets, and part of my reason for adopting was to keep me in line on very bad days. No matter how bad I might feel, I would never abandon my pets.

My Tom was truly the better half. Fun, sweet, gentle and loving. Able and strong. He could do anything! We complimented one another in our abilities and we made quite a team. When we put our heads and hearts together, there wasn't anything we couldn't somehow accomplish. I miss him so much. He was a sparkly guy! He always had a sparkle in his eyes and a smile on his face. He accepted people for who they were. He treated people with kindness and care. He strove to make people laugh, or at least smile. He could break the ice with anyone from any social strata and quickly find common ground with his common sense and his sense of humor. He could interact with an angry person and have them laughing in short order. He was kind to animals. 

The only logic I can find in 'God's plan' of taking Tom, is that he was such a wonderful person! Maybe he didn't have to stay in this 'school of the Earthbound' because he understood the lessons, walked the talk, and 'graduated' early.

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, BlueFrog said:

Hoping I can again treasure the gift that is life and make mine count for something.

 

I didn't really start feeling that until I was in this my fourth year.  I know everyone is different in their timing, so I only speak for myself, but time has become a weird thing for me.  Every time I would think, "Well, now I should be able to start really moving forward, instead of taking baby steps," two forward, one back, and finding myself thrust back and down at unexpected times, I'd have some sort of setback.  But for some reason, as I passed the third anniversary of "the day," that possibility became more than a pipe dream.  I am finding purpose and even some happiness.  A different and "smaller" happiness to be sure, but it's there more often.  I'm re-engaging in the world more and in more meaningful ways.  I know it helps tremendously that I have small loving and loyal circles of friends and family locally and at a distance.  But as you know, we can still feel all alone even in a room full of people who love us.

I urge you to continue to be patient with yourself and with your grief.  I still have times where I struggle as if John had just died, including the last 3-4 weeks, but those times aren't as severe and the waves don't drown me now.  They might knock me back, but I keep finding my way up and forward, slowly but steadily.  I think Gail has mentioned that it was in her fourth year that she had similar breakthroughs.  She's about 18 months ahead of me on her journey and it's been remarkable how similar our journeys have been.  I'm a bit more than a year ahead of you, so if I can be of any help at all, please don't hesitate to ask.  I may only be able to say, "I understand" and offer a listening ear, but I will be there for you.

Don't give up.  Do keep coming to talk, rant, question, and even "scream" if that's what helps.  We're here for you.  I hope being here helps you as much as it has helped me.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, BlueFrog said:

My health used to be very good. Now I'm 60lbs heavier. I'm prediabetic with high cholesterol.

You've found the right person to come to...I help run a couple of diabetic groups, in pre-diabetic stage you are in the perfect position to take control of this before it takes control of you.  My husband died of a heart attack with diabetic complications, following what we were told to do.  After he died, I was diagnosed but the doctor didn't help me.  Come to find out the old AMA and ADA guidelines will keep us sick and on Rxs until we succumb to this...this disease literally affects everything within our body.  There is getting the upper hand.  If you choose to.  Here is my site:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/2249357341987919  Should you decide to join, please let me know it's you!  We have downloadable/printable charts you can obtain in the guides section. 

I am so sorry for your loss!  2 1/2 years...you've been the gamut already, you seem to me a very capable thinking person.  You've been through so much already!  To go through all of this alone!  I was 52 when my husband died, he had just turned 51...Father's Day, June 19th, 2005.  All of our friends disappeared immediately, most of them in their 40s, uncomfortable with the thought of death, like it's contagious and could be them next!  My family cared but didn't have a clue, they still had their spouse.  Now my sister Peggy has lost her husband of 50 years, 1 1/2 years ago, she's very disabled and has dementia, she's fallen on my shoulders as I'm the only one living here (about ten miles from her).  My stress is through the roof.  I'm having to learn to say no to the countless demands people try to put on me, to take care of myself, to prioritize...some of them aren't happy about it.  I'm in survival mode, I have been for so long.

I'm so glad you got a dog!  I adopted a dog, Arlie, 2 1/2 years after George died, he also died 2 1/2 years ago.  In time my son brought me Kodie, he's been a lifesaver...conceived when Arlie died, born on my birthday.  He keeps me going.

21 hours ago, BlueFrog said:

My husband was so FUN!

So was mine.  I am the stickler, nose to the grindstone, making sure we get everything done, efficient, stick to the budget, etc...he was the fun one, the one that prompted me to stop and smell the roses!  He was the one who would hop out of bed and say, "Let's go to the coast!"  Or for a drive, or go see friends, or whatever.  I miss having fun.  I miss sharing with someone (him), but I hear you, there IS no one like him!  I don't date, ugh at the thought of it.  Covid shot my social life to hell...now I feel like a hermit.  I, too, live out in the country.  I'll be 70 this year, I've been through surgery alone, weathered many storms, losses...all alone.  I haul firewood, pick up branches, hire done what I can't do myself, all on a limited budget.  I get by.  I've lived here for 45 years, can't imagine moving, I live among by beloved trees, wildlife, in a wonderful community, with my memories.  I have learned to live in this present moment, do today, I can do today.  

 

21 hours ago, BlueFrog said:

I've made the decision to try and find something to be happy about each day.

This too is how I've learned to do it.  I do it still, I will the rest of my life.  I've learned that when we keep our eyes peeled for what I call the little joys (now that my Big Joy, George, is gone), recognize them, embrace them, appreciate them, it helps us learn the practice of gratitude and living in this present moment, we don't miss the good things that happen and it changes us, to more optimistic, living fully.  I've had to stay in today as thinking about the whole "rest of my life" (which could be 40 years from when he died, we live well into our 90s in my family) which invites anxiety...

21 hours ago, BlueFrog said:

I wish this had happened when I was 80 or so. Then I could just accept that I wouldn't be far behind him and just putter until I passed.

OMG this statement hit me so hard!  I've found that's how I've felt!  If I could have been close behind, but nope, that's not what I got.  

I wrote this at about ten years out, I've been on grief forums for nearly 17 years, so some is from my personal experience/s, some what I've gleaned from others.  Much of it you've already addressed.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[BlueFrog]

I so appreciate your ears with my post. I didn't realize it, but I really did need to 'talk'. After posting here, I finally felt what I need: 'I just want to go home'. With that in mind, I am continuing my current plan of culling material possessions and fixing my house. But my timeline is moved up, and now I have a place to land back home. A dear friend of mine lost his wife to ALS 9 months after Tom passed. We talk weekly via skype. We will join forces and share his house - as roommates with me living upstairs and him living downstairs, with a common area in the main floor between (kitchen, living room, dining room and porch being common area). 

We both have no interest in being remarried, dating, or any of that. We both just want to be setup, safe and secure so we can putter until we pass. This location puts me close to family and just minutes from my Mom. 

So I think the 'talking' here has helped me. I still need to cull material possessions, but now there's a purpose to it and a light at the end of my tunnel. Instead of doing it as a tearful widow who has no other choice, I'll be doing it to make a 'lighter' and more free feeling life. It will still take quite a while to accomplish, but I have some home now that I'm moving toward something and not just slogging through each day with no hope.

Thank you!

[KayC]

I wish you well with this going forward and pray it turns out to be a positive step for you both.

[Canadagirl81]

I'm so glad you came here. I'm so glad you ARE here. You are not alone. 
I cried reading your story and how the loss of Tom has affected you. You are SO STRONG, do you know that?
You are trying to help yourself and that is HUGE. I think it's incredibly brave to reach out and talk to people about this. 
I think it's amazing you have connected with a friend who completely understands where you are at and you can both be a support system to you each other, that's incredibly beautiful.
I send you so much love and encouragement as you face this next chapter of your life, bringing Tom with you as you go, his love providing and comforting you. I love that he visits you in dreams. I love that he says he is no longer in pain and I'm proud of you for continuing on, getting a plan in place and following through, even though the sparkle and joy is gone. 
One meal at a time in regards to your health. Keep making choices that are for your best interest and don't beat yourself up when they aren't. Just keep swimming. 
I'm so happy you adopted a dog and I think it's amazing you are on a medication that is potentially helping you to have some sort of balance during this heart-wrenching time. 

You can talk about Tom as much as you want here, we got you.
Sending you all the hugs.
Laura
 

[foreverhis]

@BlueFrog  That sounds like an arrangement that just might work.  You understand each other's grief and, as long as you're both "on the same page" about how things will work, then it's sure worth a try.  It would be lovely for you to have a friend and housemate as a positive step forward.  I'm sending prayers your way for a successful move and future.

[BlueFrog]

58 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

@BlueFrog  That sounds like an arrangement that just might work.  You understand each other's grief and, as long as you're both "on the same page" about how things will work, then it's sure worth a try.  It would be lovely for you to have a friend and housemate as a positive step forward.  I'm sending prayers your way for a successful move and future.

Thank you! I hate leaving our country little piece of heaven, but this property is kicking my butt! If I could keep it as a summer place, I surely would. I think it's really important for me, as I get older, that someone would miss me if I fell off a ladder or something like that.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, BlueFrog said:

I think it's really important for me, as I get older, that someone would miss me if I fell off a ladder or something like that.

Exactly.  It's important to build routines into our lives so that someone would miss us within a day and check it out.  I asked my son to check my FB every day and just make sure I posted that day, so he could check on me if not, that way he doesn't have to take the time out to call me every day, but someone would know...all the more important since my puppy needs someone to feed him and let him out!

[BlueFrog]

Well, after looking at all the logistics of a long move, I don't think I will be able to accomplish the task anytime soon. I'll keep working toward it though.

I did start attending weekly grief zoom meetings with other widows of Glioblastoma, and that seems to have been helping me.

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping for quite some time now, so I finally moved Tom's ashes off his pillow and out of the bed. I've slept well since doing that. It seems disrespectful at first, but it seemed Tom was encouraging me to do it. Amusingly enough, the nearest place to put his ashes is a pedestal I have next to the bed! So I've put him on a pedestal! But now I can really stretch out and rest instead of curling up in a tight, defensive little ball, as I had been doing.

So the work goes on. Now to get on my health issues that have developed from 2 1/2 years of eating too much junk! 

 

[KayC]

I did it 14 1/2 years from his death so I know you can!  The sooner the better as we have less damage and less to tackle.    I lost 75 lbs and kept it off, totally changed my eating (Keto/low carb), reversed my Diabetes, Fuch's Dystrophy of the Corneas, Cirrhosis of the liver, and so much more!  I do intermittent fasting (eat in a 3-4 hour period) and walk twice/day.  I gained a lot of energy and great health, excepting my BP, which I'm still working on!  I shovel snow and it raises too much!  I feel fine!  Frustrating not being able to do what you used to when you FEEL GOOD!  Having to pace myself.   Can't figure out why if I feel like 20 I can't live like it!