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Multiple grief –when will it get better?


ceceotto

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So I found this site (along with a couple others) through the book “I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye.” I personally know it will take time to get all of what I’ve gone through in the last year and half, but it’s hard to sift which emotions are coming from where…I’m putting this out to the universe, and whatever I get back, I will be grateful for. Thanks for reading in advance.

2010 was one of the craziest years of my life. Any major life change one can go through, I went through. I moved in with my fiancé at the end of April (first time I’ve lived with a romantic partner), two weeks later my Dad died unexpectedly from a heart attack at 61 (no will and family issues galore), and then two weeks later I lost my job due to corporate buyout. We got married as planned in a private ceremony in August, and then had a reception in September. I got a new job in November. I did see a therapist at that time until my health insurance from my old job ran out. That was 2010.

For 2011, I felt this year I was starting to get better (with the help of another counselor under my husband’s insurance), but I still had issues with the anger of it all. We’ve also had 4 weddings this year to go to, and frankly I HATE weddings now. My Dad died so close to our wedding, I couldn’t have the “happy day” that every bride normally has because I missed him so much. While I’m still glad we did that day (and my Dad would have been pissed if we had changed it), and the power of that day stays with me, it took everything I had to NOT cry. He was cremated in the suit that was supposed to be for our wedding as I found out later, and that image still burns in my mind to this day.

As I also was making good headway through my losses and gains from 2012 until we came home this summer to find our house was robbed and ransacked. They took what they could pawn, including my engagement ring. All of the pain of the last year smacked me over the head like a 2x4 and on some levels I’ve become worse. I no longer feel safe in my home to feel or grieve everything I’ve gone through. I had to get out of there, and I’m now on a self-directed retreat away from everything, trying to pick up the pieces from everything I’ve gone through in the last year and a half.

While this retreat has been good to me to release all of the pain and anger from the last year and half, I wonder about how I will be back in the real world. I know this all doesn’t go away. To those of you who have “been through” multiple grief moments in your life, how did you get through it? How long did the intense, “emotional ambushes” stay with you (AKA something triggers you out of the blue and you breakdown)? I realize everyone is different, but any outside perspective is appreciated.

Thanks again for being there.

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songline, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad...it is soooo hard to lose a parent...as well as all of the other issues you have had to face. Losing a parent alone is huge and then having to face all these other situations and the robbery at your home which stole everything including your sense of safety and security makes it so much harder. Multiple losses do compound one another and a subsequent death or loss can bring up memories or unresolved issues from previous losses. I wish it was not so but, so it seems to be. The loss of a parent who has known and loved you all your life is a huge adjustment to make and does not happen overnight. I still have to fight against my impatience with the process. I lost my mom late last year and am still going through the grieving process. You have had so much change and lost a lot for better and for worse that was comfortable and familiar. It will take take time to adjust but I have found it does get better along the way. I lost a child at birth and never really grieved for it until I lost my mom. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Our society want people to "get over it" and move on. Unfortunately that is not possible...believe me I have tried. I have found telling my story and "talking here" helps. Many people have said that they feel better getting stuff out and not keeping it all bottled up inside. This site has many people who understand what it is like to lose someone dear and the crazy and convoluted path grief can take. Please feel free to come here and share anytime you want. We understand loss and will listen. Take care and God bless ~Terra

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So I found this site (along with a couple others) through the book “I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye.” I personally know it will take time to get all of what I’ve gone through in the last year and half, but it’s hard to sift which emotions are coming from where…I’m putting this out to the universe, and whatever I get back, I will be grateful for. Thanks for reading in advance.

2010 was one of the craziest years of my life. Any major life change one can go through, I went through. I moved in with my fiancé at the end of April (first time I’ve lived with a romantic partner), two weeks later my Dad died unexpectedly from a heart attack at 61 (no will and family issues galore), and then two weeks later I lost my job due to corporate buyout. We got married as planned in a private ceremony in August, and then had a reception in September. I got a new job in November. I did see a therapist at that time until my health insurance from my old job ran out. That was 2010.

For 2011, I felt this year I was starting to get better (with the help of another counselor under my husband’s insurance), but I still had issues with the anger of it all. We’ve also had 4 weddings this year to go to, and frankly I HATE weddings now. My Dad died so close to our wedding, I couldn’t have the “happy day” that every bride normally has because I missed him so much. While I’m still glad we did that day (and my Dad would have been pissed if we had changed it), and the power of that day stays with me, it took everything I had to NOT cry. He was cremated in the suit that was supposed to be for our wedding as I found out later, and that image still burns in my mind to this day.

As I also was making good headway through my losses and gains from 2012 until we came home this summer to find our house was robbed and ransacked. They took what they could pawn, including my engagement ring. All of the pain of the last year smacked me over the head like a 2x4 and on some levels I’ve become worse. I no longer feel safe in my home to feel or grieve everything I’ve gone through. I had to get out of there, and I’m now on a self-directed retreat away from everything, trying to pick up the pieces from everything I’ve gone through in the last year and a half.

While this retreat has been good to me to release all of the pain and anger from the last year and half, I wonder about how I will be back in the real world. I know this all doesn’t go away. To those of you who have “been through” multiple grief moments in your life, how did you get through it? How long did the intense, “emotional ambushes” stay with you (AKA something triggers you out of the blue and you breakdown)? I realize everyone is different, but any outside perspective is appreciated.

Thanks again for being there.

I have found that when you have a lot on your plate, as you have had the past couple of years, it is important to try and take it all in stride. I know it's going to sound cliche to take it "day by day", but in all actuality this is exactly what you have to do. You are just one person. Things happen in life that you aren't going to be able to control or prevent. I take these types of misfortunes and try my best to learn from them. Take what you can out of them and go on to the next thing. We are surrounded by situations in life that sometimes spin out of control and it is up to us to take the strengths ( and you do have them) given to you by your support systems to get back in control. Easier said then done, I know, but you are talking to Miss Optimism here. I am so sorry about your Dad. And to lose him so close to your wedding. How very devastating! ): Having just lost my father nearly 3 weeks ago, I am still suffering from those "emotional ambushes". I can imagine it's probably going to be like that for a long time, after all, I'm never going to "get over" my fathers death. How do you get over something like that anyway? I think, though, in time, the idea will take root and I will be able to find ways to deal with my emotions a little bit better. Hope this helps a little bit! Things do have a way of working themselves out eventually, at least so I'm told! :P

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