I lost my best friend

[JVeronika]

(first of all, sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker)

11 days ago I lost my friend, my cat. I have had him for 9 months only and then he was taken away from me.

I have had pets before, I had two dogs and two cats, all lived almost up to 20. I loved them dearly, they were not just pets, they were family members. But when it was time for them to leave, I could let them go, I understood that this is the way of life and I have to accept it.

After the loss of my cats and dogs, in last June we decided to adopt two kittens. With one of them I have developed such a strong bond that I have never ever experienced in my life, most of my human relationships are not as strong as this connection was. This cat was my everything. He understood his name and whenever I called him, he came running to me, I never had to beg, I just had to say his name and he was there. And this little guy has taught me so much. All my life I have always struggled with low selt-esteem, I always feel that I need, I must prove to others that I am worth of being loved and appreciated and this kitten just loved me for who I am. He taught me that I can be loved unconditionally. I often found myself saying that I love this cat more than I love most people around me (except for my closest relatives). He was my sunshine. He made all my days better. Whatever happened to me during the day, I knew that when I arrive back home, he'll be there and he'll love me with my all my faults and failures. He gave me strength. If I had to be away on business, I was "video-chatting" with him in the evenings through my mom's FB messenger, however silly that sounds. (of course he never understood where my voice came from, but it was so good to see him through the camera, when I wasn't at home).

12 days ago, on Friday, far from home, I had a huge quarrel with my boss, he told me things out of anger that really hurt. Usually I would have just stayed there and would have just said sorry to him for a mistake I didn't even commit, but not on that day. My cat taught me that I deserve more than this, that even if I had made a mistake, I still deserve more than this, no one can talk to me like this. So with the strength I have gained from my kitten, I decided to keep my head up high and I left. I left my boss there and went straight back home, because I was not willing to accept the way he treated me. I have learnt the lesson that my cat tried teaching me.

And the very next day, on Saturday evening he started meowing in front of the door. He and his brother they both are in - and outdoor cats, meaning that they can do whatever they feel like to. They both were really big cowards, we have a huge garden and a fence, they stayed inside the fence most of the time, and if they ever heard cars approaching, they run back to the house immediately. So, on Saturday evening he was really desperate to go outside, it was very unusual of him, he never wanted to go outside this much before. We didn't want to let him out, it was 9pm already, but he was crying so hard that finally we decided to let him go. 20 minutes later I went outside, I called his name, but he didn't come. I started wandering around the garden, he was nowhere to be seen. I went outside to the streets and to my biggest shock, he was lying there at the side of the street and he was alredy dead. If I think back, it's also very odd because we live in a remote area, there are hardly any cars driving by at night, so it was such a strange coincidence that he still got hit by a car. My dad rushed outside, I didn't dare to go close to him. My dad said that he was dead, but luckily enough his body was not damaged in any way, it was clear that he suffered a huge blow to the head which caused immediate death, but even his head remained looking normal (just minimal amount of blood at the corner of his mouth). God or whoever there is, was kind enough to him and to us and  he looked like as if he was just sleeping. But I have always wanted to save him from all the harm, I always hoped and prayed that he'd never have to suffer any pain in his life, still I wasn't able to save him from such a death. My best friend should have never had blood in his mouth. He deserved so much more than that.

I was devastated. I felt like I couldn't breathe. As if someone was sitting on my chest. My best friend was gone and there was nothing in my power to make it undone. It felt as if after teaching me his lesson, he just left. But I wanted to have him by my side for a much longer time. I am 40, if he lived to be 20, we could have gotten old together. This cat was my everything. My days are empty without him. I'd give everything just to be able to hold him once more, to feel his nose against mine. It's been 11 days, I still cry everyday, I want to know why this pure soul had to suffer such violent death as being hit by a car and what I have done to be punished like this? Why is this happenning to us? Why is he gone? His brother is looking for him everywhere and his pain only adds to ours.

His grave is in our backyard, I write letters to him every single day, and when it's already dark outside, I go out to his grave and read those letters to him. I tell him about my days, my feelings, everything. But I miss him terribly. He literally was my best friend and I was never ever joking or exaggerating when I sad that I love him more than I love most of the humans I know. I just do not understand why were we given so little time together? I used to carry a cross on my neck on a necklace (inherited from a relative) and I'm a believer but ever since he is gone, the cross with the necklace is in a drawer, I don't understand God right now and I cannot bear wearing the cross as of now.

[KayC]

I am so so sorry for the loss of your best friend.  Is it possible someone did something to him?  The timing of your boss treating you so and your leaving does not elude me.  And your English is great, better than most with it as a first language!

Your cat is so sweet, I used to have a cat that looked much like this one.  I hear you about the bonds being greater than with most humans, that's how it was with my Arlie (dog), I got him after my husband died, and he was my companion and best friend.  I lost him to cancer, which blindsided me, and 4 1/2 months later I lost Kitty, 25 1/2 years old.  It crushed me, I haven't been able to get a cat since, I've had one for 50+ years of my adult life!

I'm glad you're able to articulate so well, it helps us with our grief processing.  

It's morning here, others should be along shortly...

It's very hard when you lose a cat so young.

Accidental Death

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

 

 

 

[Mandy25]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your best friend.  I lost my baby, a 16 year old dog, 3 months ago and I know the pain you are feeling.  On top of that pain, I feel like I failed him in his final days. He had multiple health issues along with bladder cancer.  I believe once they pass that their spirit endures and they are happy and free of pain.  

[JVeronika]

@KayC thank you so much for your kind words. I feel really sorry for your loss! You must be very strong to make it through after loosing your husband.

Yes, it's really hard losing a friend with whom we should have spent so much more time together. He deserved so much more from life than this. That moment when I found his lifeless body still haunts my mind and that feeling when I realised that the reason my friend does not come running to me is because he is dead. At that moment I couldn't believe that this was happening to me, to us, to him. You know, losing a pet in an accident so far was something that only happens to other people. My mind keeps wandering back to that moment when I found him. That realization of having lost him forever is something I cannot deal with right now. I am trying my best to cope with this situation, I go to work, I talk to people, I meet my friends, but he is always at the back of my head, my mind and however happy I am at times, knowing that he won't be there when I arrive home takes all my happiness away. I so much want him to be alive, I wish to see him just one more time.

How long did it take you to feel better? Is there a train of thoughts or something that might help? I try to imagine that whatever I do, wherever I am, he's with me, watching over me, but it doesn't really help, for a second or two I feel better, but then again, I miss him, which is still so much stronger than any other emotion.

@Mandy25 thank you too! I am sure you did everything you could to help him. Guilt is said to be part of the grieving process. Why do you feel you failed him? I am sure if he could talk to you, he'd say otherwise, he knows you cared and did your best. I hope that they are happy and pain-free wherever they are now, just as I hope that my boy didn't have to suffer, that death came fast for him, I am terrified even to think that he might have suffered alone.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, JVeronika said:

You must be very strong to make it through after loosing your husband.

I felt anything but!  It's a lifelong journey with a beginning but no ending.  There is only learning to live with the changes it means for your life.  And that takes years.  I utilized every "tool" I'd learned in my loss of husband journey when I lost Arlie...he was my "soulmate in a dog."  Losing Miss Mocha (cat) in 2016 was hard, I never got closure, never found her remains, but I knew she'd never leave of her own accord.  I figured it must have been a cougar, I'd been outside all day working, we'd gone out at 6 am, she was last seen in front of the forest at the edge of our property, never heard anything!  Searched the forest, nothing.  Put up flyers, talked to neighbors, asked them to search their garages...no one heard/saw a thing.  But losing Arlie felt like when I'd lost my husband, I was that close to him!  It affected my everyday life.  It was hard to go on walks without him so a neighbor asked me to walk their chow.  I did for ten months, but he injured both of my hands severely, one with a hard yank (followed by a botched surgery, more damage), and the other with a bad bite/crunch left side to right side.  After the surgery to my right hand I won't let them touch my left hand.  Eight bites in two years, with three other injuries have left my hands pretty much done for.  My fingers type wrong letters (I was always an accurate speed typist!) and I'm left with continual pain and numbness.  I don't believe any of it would have happened if Arlie were here.  He was my protector as well as companion, joy, and best friend.

2 hours ago, JVeronika said:

How long did it take you to feel better?

"Better" is a relative term.  We never get over it, we continue to love and miss them.  There's a grief spot in our heart now that we carry with us.  But we do get used to it.  It can vary for each person.  Loss of husband affects you in other ways that loss of pet doesn't, finances, chores, that person caring, leaving the garage light on for you, the triggers, how hard it was to get groceries or go to the valley w/o him!  Those times of day he called me on breaks and were now filled with silence.  Never hearing his car in the driveway.  But we also have triggers with our pets...their toys, food & water bowl, the times of day we walked, our ways together, that is unique, and never replaced, a tribute to their specialness.  Those things are still with me.  I have his coat hanging on my chair, I can't imagine ever letting it go.  His collar and leash, retired, hanging by the door.  Momentos on the corner of my bedroom by the door, with his lock of fur.  His "pawprint in motion" on my refrigerator door (In his memoirs)...I suggest writing stories about him, it helps memorialize him...it helped me anyway because I never wanted the world to forget this wonderful, beautiful, goofy, gentle giant, who was so considerate, protective, articulate, the most amazing dog there ever was!

 

You asked about tips...I wrote this after spending 10 years on grief sites following the loss of my husband (it's been nearly 17 years now)...my heart goes out to you.  I know it's the hardest thing in the world to wrap your head around.  
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Eternalsoul]

@JVeronika

Hi. Your story reminds me a lot of how I feel. I am so sorry that this has happened. I know the pain. I cry everyday, too. It is a pain I never knew existed. I feel so dead inside.

I noticed that you mentioned putting the cross away. Please don't let the enemy win. 

Perhaps ask God why... I lost my walk with God for several years. Losing my cat has brought me back to him. I too have lost several animals and NONE have hurt this much. 

If you lose Faith now then the enemy will have won your soul. Your cat is in Heaven. You must believe. I know this. 

If you can ask God why... just pray to him. I know it's awful I know. The other day I was so angry. I was almost thinking of going back to my non believing ways. THIS IS A TEST GOD HAS GIVEN YOU TO TEST YOUR FAITH. IF YOU PERSEVERE YOU WILL BE REWARDED. 

My cat is my everything and I am so devastated without her. I pray everyday and every night. 

I never did before this. I was surely truly lost. I was on my way to hell if I would have died before this. 

Your cat is in Heaven. I often think my cat was an angel placed in my life by God. She didn't get to live very long either. Oh man do I miss her. Perhaps your cat is an angel and he understood he only had a while with you in physical form. 

If you give up on God now then in a way it's like you're giving up on your cat and all that he taught you. It's disrespectful to your cat because from reading your story I believe he is your guardian angel. 

I'm 34. I wanted her here into my 40's. She was here with me through so much in my life. She was my rock. 

Why? Because God gave her to me. None of us are promised tomorrow.

 

Please do not give up on God. Your cat is not in hell. He is in Heaven with his creator. 

I understand where you're coming from. Don't let evil win. Please. 

Your cat is safe in Heaven. 

 

 

 

[Eternalsoul]

[JVeronika]

@KayC thank you so much for your advice! It's a very weird feeling, because I too have lost pets before, but the pain has never been this intense. I am 100% sure that this is different, this loss is different. This is such pain that is going to shape me, my life and the way I see life. It's completely life-changing. People do not seem to understand. Thanks God, my family understands. My mom and dad loved him too, they both say that he was a special cat and they both cried hard when he died and we still often talk about him, but other than my parents, people do not understand. They ask me why I'm sad, I tell them that it's still because of my cat and they say things like "but it's been weeks and it was just a cat, are you sure that it's a normal reaction?" I wish I could tell them that no, he wasn't just a cat and yes, it's normal. They do not understand. If they knew that I write letters to him every single day, they would think that I am loosing my mind. It's fine, though, I don't need them to understand me, just it'd be easier if I could talk about more about what I feel.

You too said that eventually the pain is gonna be less intense. It's true, the pain itself already is less intense, it's not that sharp anymore. It makes me feel guilty though. I tell him every single day that even if the pain itself lessens, my love for him doesn't. I hope he knows that. And even though the pain itself is more bearable, I miss him like hell. The void he left in my life is so huge that I do not even have the worsd to describe how it feels and how big it is. I miss him. I want to touch him again, I want to play with him, just watch him sleeping, see how happy he is when I come home, seeing his happy face when I say his name. The thought of never being able to do that anymore kills me. The fact that death is something that can never be undone kills me.

@Eternalsoulthank you too for listening to me and offering help! I have read your story here and I totally feel your pain. I try hard not to be angry with God. You know, I have so many questions to him. Why him? Why my cat? My cat was loved dearly, we took care of him, he was a happy cat living a happy life in a happy family. Though, for example, our neighbours are so different, they have like 18 cats, those cats only eat what they find or catch, their cats are often sick and they just let them die, they never take them to the vet, they never pet them, they do not even allow them inside the house, they are neglected, live horrible lives (we have already tried talking to authorities about it, but they do not care about this). I do not wish any cat to die, I believe that all cats deserve love and tender care. But if a cat must die, why must it be my cared for and treasured little cat? Why does God let so many cats suffer from neglect for years and then he takes my best friend only after 9 months? Why does he do that? I know he must have a reason for that, but right now I fail to see what his reasoning might be. This cat loved me so much. He was truly a friend. And he was taken away from me. He deserved long years of happy life, nothing less than that. Anyway, how are you feeling? Is there anyone around you who understands your pain?

 

[AJWCat]

Hi @JVeronika I am so sorry for your tragic loss.  

The cat I lost a few years ago was different, too. I thought I was going crazy with grief, I was out of my mind. It was sudden and horrible which was a big part of it. I also felt so guilty to have the pain lessen. The pain was our only connection. 

I realized that it was who I became as a cat owner that was the real connection and that would go on as long as I live. I finally found peace. Although I will never forget him and my heart has never fully healed.  

[Eternalsoul]

@JVeronika

You are welcome. Your story just makes me sad because I understand the sorrow. It's very heavy. It is a nightmare to lose someone we cherish with every aspect of our being(s). 

I feel sorry for those cats at your neighbors. Is there any free spay and neuter clinics in your area?

There's quite a few rescue groups throughout my area who help with that. You can also look into TNR. Trap Neuter Return. It decreases the cat population but it also helps if people feed them and supply fresh water. Perhaps that's something you could look into if you already haven't. It would help those cats out so much. I am always helping my friends out with that. 

I know. I know. It's sad enough to think of any cat dying from anything but old age. It really hurts when it's your own. We want so bad to take care of them and when they pass to Heaven we just feel like we failed or like we are being punished. 

Do not lose Faith! 

I too would wonder why God "allows" bad things to happen. The way I see it is he gave us all "free will" to choose a path of evil or a path of righteousness. Some people choose the path to ignore a cat or a dog in need. Then there's the people who want to help and who want to make a difference. 

The cats who have no homes and who suffer are in that position because people turn a blind eye. Some people only care about themselves. They get a pet and decide that it's not for them so they throw them out or take them to a kill shelter. Some allow their pets to have several litters and could not care less about where they go. There's people who throw kittens and puppies in the trash. People literally leave kittens to die out in the desert. 

So, the way I see it is God sees how we are treating his FIRST CREATION (animals)... he sees what is in our hearts. This is also part of the test of life. Do we leave that kitten to fend for itself or do we pick it up and help him/her?

Remember that the world is full of evil. Their suffering isn't permanent. They are pure. They go to Heaven. They are his creation. I don't care what anyone says. 

I'm gonna have A LOT to work on to even enter Heaven. Tonight when I lay in bed I'm going to read my Bible. It provides comfort in these  times of torture.

I miss my cat so much. I feel so empty. I talk to my boyfriend about it and everyone else doesn't want to hear it. I come here to release my feelings, thoughts and to try to help others. 

I also make an idiot of myself with the things I write when I'm deep in thought and several emotions. 

I know what you mean. Why!!!!! Why..... he loved you and he still loves you.

Maybe you can make him something for his grave. 

How have you been handling this? 

I find that talking to her makes me feel like she's listening. I miss her so much. 

I hope you have strength. It's the hardest thing for me......to be without her. 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, JVeronika said:

"but it's been weeks and it was just a cat, are you sure that it's a normal reaction?" I wish I could tell them that no, he wasn't just a cat and yes, it's normal. They do not understand.

I thought of this when I read this statement: Is Pet Loss Comparable to Loss of a Loved One?

Yes it is very normal when you have that special bond.  I grieved my Arlie (dog) harder than my own mom!  My mom was in her 90s, had severe dementia, had been plagued with mental illness all her life, was difficult to be around.  But I loved her, she was my mom, the only one I ever had.  Her death came as a relief, she had lost her brain, bit by bit, and it was hard for her, hard for all of us to watch.  My sisters weren't there much, two never saw her, my brother and I hung in there with her through it all.  She was in a care facility as she needed 24/7 care and we had to work, she was a danger to herself and others and could not be alone.  She lived 1 1/2 hours from me.

My dog, on the other hand, adored me, and I him, we lived together, he was my loyal companion, all he asked for was some care and love, he was understanding, so sweet, went on walks with me every day.  When people disappointed, he never did.  When your routine is intertwined with them, and your love is a continual exchange between the two of you, and it's just a pleasure to look over at him, and it always brings you a smile, it is very different than a person who is not part of your everyday existence or who causes you pain.  It's your life companion.  And missing them is immense!  It changes your routine, your "feel good" receptors!  You are missing a big part of you.

And yes I well know every pet is not the same.  Arlie was my hardest loss next to losing my husband.  And it felt much like that had!  That says a lot.  I also have never gotten over losing Kitty.  Kitty was a unique cat, she called the shots, made demands (loudly) and didn't show her love much...but I related to her with all she'd been through in her life, and the night before she died she came to me and loved me and showed her appreciation, it was immense, it was intense, and that connection was there...my amazing cat.  It's been over two years, I haven't been able to make myself get another one.  I miss her more than I ever would have first imagined.  She was Kitty.  Dang.  I miss them both, still, and always will.

Here is her story: