The pain is unbearable

[Sam85]

5 weeks ago I lost my partner to suicide.  The pain is unbearable. 

I have a very loving & supportive family, the most amazing Son & great friends. All of these people are doing everything they can, but the pain is just too much. 

I don't know how to carry on without him. We were planning our wedding,  he'd bought my engagement ring, we had our whole future ahead of us &  now it's gone. 

I keep reading about self care & trying to build a small routine, but how to I even get to that part?? 

I pray constantly & look to Jesus for my strength. I beg him to help him me & I give thanks to him everyday for getting me out of bed. But this pain is just too much......

[GoldenRose]

Hi @Sam85, I am almost at the 7 week mark of my husband committing suicide. I get it. I may not understand your story completely but I think I have a very good idea of how you are feeling. The grief is horrible and overwhelming. Nothing makes sense and it feels as though nothing ever will. Have you thought about therapy? For me it has been extremely helpful.

Self care is hard, it took me a few weeks to care about my appearance again and even then, nothing can be compared to how I used to care. I was gifted a journal by my friends that we turned into a "baby steps" journal. I try to write down my small victories like "First time doing my makeup" or "First time doing my hair." Its very small, but for us its a big step. 

My routine is: working, walking my dog, and then doing nothing the rest of the day. But slowly, I am trying to add more things in. Sometimes I walk my dog twice, or sometimes I have my friends over for coffee. Twice I have been able to have a glass of wine with my parents and just chat. You will slowly find what helps you. Its ok to talk about your partner, its ok to ask for an afternoon where no one mentions him. I personally love to say his name and include him into any convo I can. 

I don't look for the "why" because the only person who knew "why" is gone. I have feelings of guilt, but I try to view them logically and don't give them much time in my mind since they really bring me down. Anger feels the best, and it gives me motivation to pull through- but it is the emotion I have felt the least. I spoke with my therapist and my family about my own suicidal thoughts, I have never before experienced them, but since the grief was so much, I found myself wishing I could also end the pain. Everything and anything you feel, it is normal. Grief is fluid, not linear and there is no set "stage" you are in. I think most people on here will agree that all the emotions can be felt in just minutes. 

I think grief for the person we lost is only half the battle, there is also so much sadness in grieving the life we wished would have gotten to live with them. My husband and I have a wonderful bucket list for this year, and so I cry over him and over what can no longer be. Praying helps me a lot. If you like, I can give you some scriptures that have helped. @KayC will soon give you some tips that helped her in her journey. Read them as many times as you need, they are wonderful. 

Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time or one minute at a time. Its not your fault, no matter what you may think, it simply isn't. You are alive so you still matter and you are still worthy of being here. I aim so very sorry you are going through this, I know its the worst thing to ever go through. Remember your partner for the amazing and wonderful person they were, not for the last act they committed. That was not them, and we don't need to carry their pain nor the blame. We have enough on our shoulders with our grief. 

You are in the right place here in this forum, everyone is wonderful. Sending you a big hug, and a reminder that you are not alone. We get it.

[Sam85]

Thank you for your reply

I am waiting for a therapist to be assigned to me, I had my initial assessment on Wednesday. 

I am just so lost & so so sad. We had our whole lives ahead of us & I don't know how to carry on without him. I pray to God everyday to carry this burden for me, because I know I can't do it alone. 

My church family have been amazing & haven't left my side, I know they pray for me constantly,  they visit me & bring me food, they do my shopping & help me around the house. 

I feel like I'm taking one step forward & ten steps backwards. I just want him back

[GoldenRose]

I am very glad you reached out for some help, I think you’ll see that it’s very encouraging and comforting to talk to a professional.

The sadness is very heavy. I understand! Everyone on this site is going through very difficult circumstances as well. It’s definitely a process and a huge struggle, but time will help. 
Suicide is not a “normal” thing so it’s very tough on our minds to have to deal with it. It causes overwhelming pain and leaves our minds full of questions that we will never have the answer too.

I just finished “Dying to be Free” by Beverly Cobain. I recommend it. I know it’s a tough pill to swallow and reality is not easy to face right now but trust me, you have not done anything wrong. You are not responsible for this in any way and it’s just extremely horrible that this is what you have to deal with. 
Having people help and bring you food is wonderful. I too have a great support system and it truly helps. Make sure you ask for what you need and want, it’s good to let everyone know what you need and when.

Today is the first “almost remotely close to ok-ish” day I’ve had. The rest have been extremely difficult just to stay alive in the midst of the grief. I’m only two weeks ahead of you, but I’m here for you and while it’s so hard to believe, you’ll be ok. It’s going to take hard work but you will resemble a whole human again one day. 
You’re doing everything right, cry as much as you need, smile and laugh when you can. Drink a lot of water, try to eat a little and hug as many friends and family as you can.

 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Sam85 said:

5 weeks ago I lost my partner to suicide.

I am so sorry.  Suicide to me seems the hardest thing to go through, so many questions, no answers, only that he had pain too great for him to deal with.  I'm so sorry for all it left you with, and I hope you can get into a grief counselor soon.  I am glad you have supportiveness and also that you found your way here.  We welcome you and others will be along shortly.  This is like a family of sorts, all going through stuff together.  Along with losing him, you also lost your dreams of the future, the life you planned on having together.
Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream 
 Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
Spouse's Suicide
Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[GoldenRose]

Hey @Sam85 how are you doing today?

[RN-Nix]

@Sam85I am so sorry that you are having to go through this pain and what will be an ongoing battle of emotions. You've found a forum where others have experienced the same type of loss that you have and they will do all they can to help you through. Although my love passed away to cancer I KNOW that the pain of the grief is overwhelming ESP ESP and again I say ESP in the beginning.  There is nothing that will speed you through the process. The loss is a shock to your entire system.  The devastating part is the loss of the future, the loss of their companionship.  It's just awful. The thought is awful and the pain associated with it is awful. Go with your feelings because nothing is considered wrong. What you are feeling is natural. Check in on here as often as you can. You will definitely find comfort here. It sounds as if you have a strong faith and I know first had that your faith will help you through this. It's funny though I was so distraught to the point that I wasn't able to pray. I felt that God already knew what I was going through.  The ONLY words I could say was "give me strength " that was my prayer but that's when I realized the role of Intecessory Prayer. That's when others pray for you on your behalf when you can not pray for yourself. I too am praying for your strength. Take it 1 hour or 1 minute at a time. You are supported here .