36 yrs married 40 together im so lost

[John rowgo]

On December 3rd 2021 my beautiful 55 yr old wife went home to our lord. We were HS sweethearts. 15 and 16 when we started dating. My wife Battled MS for 20yrs. At the end i spent 3 days at her side while she was in a coma and on a ventilator. I prayed and begged God to cure her but not to take her. That was not fair. I realized that in order to cure her he had to take her. Im left lost broken-hearted and wondering how do i go on. She was my everything i spent the last 2 yrs bring her full-time caregiver. Now im left just wandering around an empty house trying to figue out how to move on. Its been 3 month's and i still cry everyday and wish i could have one more day with her. Any advise on how to cope would be greatly appreciated. 

[Canadagirl81]

Hi John.

First, let me offer my sincere condolences for your great loss. What a beautiful connection to have for so long and how fortunate you are to have experienced such a union. To meet someone so young and just know and be each other's constant is a gift, truly. What a champion you were for her and I know she knew that. Of course you are heartbroken. Of course you cry every day. Your entire world has completely changed and what you are feeling is absolutely normal and valid. Grief and the feelings that come with it are not linear, meaning these emotions shift constantly, sometimes within minutes. The key to grief emotions is to flow with them. Feel whatever you are feeling and hold yourself through them. Cry. Scream. Get angry. Find comfort in things that bring you comfort. Talk to her out loud. Write to her. Do things you are enjoy. Let yourself rest when you need it. Do nothing when you want to. Take care of your body. Drink water. Eat nourishing foods. Get outside in nature. Spend time with people you love and who love you. Be alone when you want to be alone. Watch Ted Talks on grief on youtube. Watch movies that are familiar and bring you comfort. 

We don't really ever move on, we move on WITH our person. We take them with us. Your wife would want you to keep living and on days when you feel like you can't, come here, reach out and know you are not alone in any of this. I find that shifting my perspective to gratitude for the love I shared with Glenn helps me in tremendous ways, even if I have to do it several times in a day. Be patient with yourself. Be a friend to yourself and treat yourself as you would a friend going through the same thing. You can see her any time you want. Close your eyes or look at her picture and she's there. Talk to her, she can hear you. 

Sending you the biggest hug John. 
~Laura

[KayC]

John, I am so sorry for your loss.  You spent a lifetime together, it's the hardest thing in the world to get used to, how they can be gone just like that.  I'm glad you have your beliefs, sometimes all we have left is our faith, our hope.  I'm glad you've found your way here, a place where others "get it" and understand.  We're all making our way through this together.  I hope you'll continue to come to to read and post, it helps us with the processing of our grief.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[widower2]

On 3/11/2022 at 1:57 PM, John rowgo said:

On December 3rd 2021 my beautiful 55 yr old wife went home to our lord. We were HS sweethearts. 15 and 16 when we started dating. My wife Battled MS for 20yrs. At the end i spent 3 days at her side while she was in a coma and on a ventilator. I prayed and begged God to cure her but not to take her. That was not fair. I realized that in order to cure her he had to take her. Im left lost broken-hearted and wondering how do i go on. She was my everything i spent the last 2 yrs bring her full-time caregiver. Now im left just wandering around an empty house trying to figue out how to move on. Its been 3 month's and i still cry everyday and wish i could have one more day with her. Any advise on how to cope would be greatly appreciated. 

I'm so sorry. You might consider a grief counselor. Often there are places locally which are even free if cost/coverage is a cocern...local support groups, state-run agencies, etc. 

Great advice above, and feel free to unload here. We "get it." 

[KG21]

Sending you so much strength. Reach out anytime. We are all hear listening.