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dizzydancingway

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dizzydancingway

Its been a while since I posted here. My mom died about 6 months ago from melanoma. She died very suddenly, less than a week from when we found out she was terminal. I was active in posting around when she first past away and for the few months after, but lately I just visit here (almost every day) and read everyone's stories. I feel the urge to respond to so many posts, to say that I'm sorry and to tell everyone how strong they seem, but I can't seem to bring myself to.

Lately I have been thinking a lot of the night my mom died, something I haven't done since she around that time. I put a great deal of effort into dealing with the pain and loss, and subsequently avoiding the very idea of death itself. I guess I thought of her as simply having disappeared--it was easier that way than thinking of her dead body, thinking of her cremated self. But its haunting me now. I see her body after she died, cold and stiff, and I totally lose it. I feel sick and helpless. I see her being carried away, zipped up in a black body bag, and...I just don't know how to handle it. I feel like I did so well with the grieving and I feel that I've been so strong and resilient throughout it all, but lately I just feel like I'm reliving a nightmare. I think maybe I had been so burdened by the pain of losing my mom that the trauma of how quickly she died and the circumstances around her death haven't hit me until now. I've been so caught up in dealing with the grief of not having my mom that I haven't figured out how to process that night...and how horrible and scary it was and how I pretended it was normal to see my mom dead and how I pretended it was okay that strangers were walking her dead body away because I needed to be there for my dad. I've dealt with and healed so much emotional pain from my mom's passing, but this memory...I just can't seem to get a hold of it. I feel totally helpless.

Anyway, I'm sure this is a common reaction and I'm sure you guys have similar stories....I don't know if most people are as traumatized by the "passing" as I seem to be, but I hope I can let go of this and that it doesn't haunt me for years and years. Thanks for listening and giving me a space to vent.

Happy healing.

Jenn

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Its been a while since I posted here. My mom died about 6 months ago from melanoma. She died very suddenly, less than a week from when we found out she was terminal. I was active in posting around when she first past away and for the few months after, but lately I just visit here (almost every day) and read everyone's stories. I feel the urge to respond to so many posts, to say that I'm sorry and to tell everyone how strong they seem, but I can't seem to bring myself to.

Lately I have been thinking a lot of the night my mom died, something I haven't done since she around that time. I put a great deal of effort into dealing with the pain and loss, and subsequently avoiding the very idea of death itself. I guess I thought of her as simply having disappeared--it was easier that way than thinking of her dead body, thinking of her cremated self. But its haunting me now. I see her body after she died, cold and stiff, and I totally lose it. I feel sick and helpless. I see her being carried away, zipped up in a black body bag, and...I just don't know how to handle it. I feel like I did so well with the grieving and I feel that I've been so strong and resilient throughout it all, but lately I just feel like I'm reliving a nightmare. I think maybe I had been so burdened by the pain of losing my mom that the trauma of how quickly she died and the circumstances around her death haven't hit me until now. I've been so caught up in dealing with the grief of not having my mom that I haven't figured out how to process that night...and how horrible and scary it was and how I pretended it was normal to see my mom dead and how I pretended it was okay that strangers were walking her dead body away because I needed to be there for my dad. I've dealt with and healed so much emotional pain from my mom's passing, but this memory...I just can't seem to get a hold of it. I feel totally helpless.

Anyway, I'm sure this is a common reaction and I'm sure you guys have similar stories....I don't know if most people are as traumatized by the "passing" as I seem to be, but I hope I can let go of this and that it doesn't haunt me for years and years. Thanks for listening and giving me a space to vent.

Happy healing.

Jenn

I think we spend so much time dealing with the actual fact that our loved ones are gone that perhaps we suppress some of these images? I mean, it's not easy nor is it a pretty sight seeing someone you've loved and cherished in that state. It's downright horrible and speaking from experience, I can say I know exactly what your talking about. I had to push that image of my father's death out of my mind because It was honestly too traumatic for me to deal with. I mean, unless your exposed to death on an regular basis, your probably not going to be able to process it well anyway. Then throw in the fact that it's actually someone you know and love. It can be quite surreal and well, disturbing. ): The night of my fathers death will forever haunt me. Only because my father was the single most important man in my life as I am sure your mother was to you! It is perfectly natural, I think, to be haunted by these images. To have problems dealing with it. We loved them! Who wants to see their loved ones go through all this. I sure didn't. I feel as helpless as you and probably won't be able to offer any help, but I know when I start thinking about that night. I shift to something else. A happier memory. His voice. I took my fathers magnifying glass as a memento. I can remember being a little girl and my dad showing me how to use it. I took that and remember that moment when things start getting too much for me to think about. It helps tremendously! Hope this helps a little..Take care!

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sadbeyondwords

Its been a while since I posted here. My mom died about 6 months ago from melanoma. She died very suddenly, less than a week from when we found out she was terminal. I was active in posting around when she first past away and for the few months after, but lately I just visit here (almost every day) and read everyone's stories. I feel the urge to respond to so many posts, to say that I'm sorry and to tell everyone how strong they seem, but I can't seem to bring myself to.

Lately I have been thinking a lot of the night my mom died, something I haven't done since she around that time. I put a great deal of effort into dealing with the pain and loss, and subsequently avoiding the very idea of death itself. I guess I thought of her as simply having disappeared--it was easier that way than thinking of her dead body, thinking of her cremated self. But its haunting me now. I see her body after she died, cold and stiff, and I totally lose it. I feel sick and helpless. I see her being carried away, zipped up in a black body bag, and...I just don't know how to handle it. I feel like I did so well with the grieving and I feel that I've been so strong and resilient throughout it all, but lately I just feel like I'm reliving a nightmare. I think maybe I had been so burdened by the pain of losing my mom that the trauma of how quickly she died and the circumstances around her death haven't hit me until now. I've been so caught up in dealing with the grief of not having my mom that I haven't figured out how to process that night...and how horrible and scary it was and how I pretended it was normal to see my mom dead and how I pretended it was okay that strangers were walking her dead body away because I needed to be there for my dad. I've dealt with and healed so much emotional pain from my mom's passing, but this memory...I just can't seem to get a hold of it. I feel totally helpless.

Anyway, I'm sure this is a common reaction and I'm sure you guys have similar stories....I don't know if most people are as traumatized by the "passing" as I seem to be, but I hope I can let go of this and that it doesn't haunt me for years and years. Thanks for listening and giving me a space to vent.

Happy healing.

Jenn

Jenn,

Like you, I suffer and am haunted from terrible flashbacks. It has been one month since my dad died. the flashbacks kill me. It is too much to process. My dad died a horrific death in the hospital. the idiot doctors and nurses ignored him as he was crying and gasping for air and begging for someone to help. BOTH the nurse and the doctor were not phased by his pleading. they walked around him. He was crying. suffering. his face was so distraught. so much pain. and then his eyes rolled up and he coded. I am so angry. that is finally when the doctors came aroudn and started loooking at him. only then. I hate them. they let him suffer. i watched every moment. i am so haunted. I am angyr that Ididnt yell more and try to get more attention. I was in such shock. It was like i was watching a movie -like it couldnt be real, that he was suffering. then the doctors were coding him...and I heard them making stupid jokes while they were doing compressions on him from behind the curtain. What the hell is that? I remmeber hearing the chuckles, they didnt care that my dad, my beautiful dad was dead. and how am I supposed to go on after this? they go home and be with their families and they dont know how their actions have affected us for our lives. these are the things we remember. I wished my dad had died at hoome peacefully, the way it should be. the way ohters describe it as easy and pain free. I share your feelings and your sadness. i also dont know how to get beyond it. peace to you

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Flashbacks are driving me crazy. I keep seeing her in the ICU during are short visits and seeing a tear run down her face, as we talked to her or touched her. She was intubated and so was unable to speak. I didn't even get to hear her voice before she passed and I will never know if she was in pain.

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stillfighting431

Hi,

I understand. I still have some of the saddest & scariest images burnt into my head,that haunt me 24/7....When mom died suddenly right in front of our eyes,we (my sister & I)were complete basket cases.We refused to take part in the rituals to prepare the body for cremation,bathing,dressing in new clothes etc.We already couldn't get the nightmarish images & sounds of her drawing her last few breaths out of her heads , we didn't want to see her lifeless ,cold body.We just can't remember her that way.We didn't go to the cremation either,we couldn't stop crying hysterically,it was arranged by my uncle.The funeral pyre was lit by his youngest son,my cousin,he's one of the few "good ones",inspite of who his parents are .The Flashbacks hit me without warning.....my cousin asking me for a bedsheet to wrap my beautiful mom's body in,the nurse asking me for mom's clothes to dress the body in after removing the hospital scrubs,another nurse asking me for my maternal grandma's name to put on my mom's declaration of death which she was filling right in front of me,while a doctor was performing CPR on mom,the last ditch effort to revive her,the nurse taking out the respirator tubes out of mom's mouth,another tube out of her nose,the doctor announcing time of death,6.24 pm,my sister crying & singing "Warm kitty,soft kitty" in the elevator to my mom's body wrapped in a moss green bedsheet with a white floral print on it(she always used to sing it to her to calm her down & help her sleep,whilst stroking her hair,sometimes hours at a stretch),me waking up with a jerk at 5 am the next morning,thinking ,time for mom's meds(that used to be my routine in the hospital),feeling disoriented to find myself in my own bed,going outside to my terrace garden to get some fresh air,looking at the refrigeration unit placed downstairs in the courtyard,with the green bedsheet showing thru' the looking glass,all the memories hitting me at once,...mom's gone,that's her in the the refrigeration unit ,screaming no mom no,over & over again at the top of my lungs,my sister rushing out to hug me saying that's not mom honey,not anymore,turn around ,don't look,look at me,I'm your mom now,look at me,I'm right here....

The frequency has lessened,but the pain hasn't.I'm hoping it 'll too.Hang in there,time will heal,atleast that's what I keep telling myself.

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