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Is it possible?


BBB

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So my family, friends, you name it, all people who know me have encouraged me to start seeing people. They "want me to be happy again". 

Here's the problem...I never like them although some of them like me and I break it off and they get hurt. 

I wonder if one of two things exist or perhaps both. I wonder if I get disappointed because none of them come close to my beloved nor do I have that same 'feeling'. OR is my brain protecting my heart? The latter being...I was so devastated, so hurt and still am that there's a protective mechanism in there that says "you don't want to do this again", meaning no relationship = no hurt.

You can't get hurt if you stay single.

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I don't know.  I haven't dated for so many years I feel my life atrophied.  I guess I'd make it clear to them I go slow and start out as friends, maybe they'll break it off with you if you go too slow...that is unless you show you want to move on to the next step.

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@BBBI think you will know when you meet the person you connect with just like you did with the love you lost. I don't think there is anything wrong with meeting people but don't have high expectations. Follow your gut instincts. If you are not clicking with the person then let it be....don't force it...they may not be the one for you. Take your time.

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I read somewhere that it helps to join a dating site like eHarmony and meet others.

I tried it and called it quits after meeting two women for coffee.

I found myself comparing them to my wife and they didn't come close.

I've decided it's not for me. 

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Reading your post BBB it sounds to me as if you know you aren't really ready to move on yet. It sounds as if meeting and trying to accept someone new into your life is still too difficult. Sometimes I think it is possible to try to 'move on' for the wrong reasons. Not to welcome the possibility of someone new but to try and fill an empty space. This is not what you are doing but your well-meaning friends and family are encouraging what they think would be good for you. Only you can know when the time is right. Maybe it will be soon, maybe it will be far in the future. Either is fine, as long as it is on your terms. 

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20 hours ago, PLin said:

Reading your post BBB it sounds to me as if you know you aren't really ready to move on yet. It sounds as if meeting and trying to accept someone new into your life is still too difficult. Sometimes I think it is possible to try to 'move on' for the wrong reasons. Not to welcome the possibility of someone new but to try and fill an empty space. This is not what you are doing but your well-meaning friends and family are encouraging what they think would be good for you. Only you can know when the time is right. Maybe it will be soon, maybe it will be far in the future. Either is fine, as long as it is on your terms. 

Nope, you are right, not ready. I thought I was and I thought I'd give it a go at the behest of family and friends. But I realize that no, I really wasn't ready. In fact, I am now going back to my therapist that I left about 10 months ago and we are talking and working through that. It may take 5 years before I am ready or I may never be ready. I did feel like trying was ok because the quickest way to find out is to go out and do it.

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On 3/11/2022 at 4:07 AM, BBB said:

They "want me to be happy again". 

(Insert eye roll here)  Of course they want you to be happy.  We all want to be happy.  But we're realists and we're the ones living with this grief.

It's hard for me to answer because I have no interest in another romantic relationship, plus I have male friends in addition to my female friends.  I suppose I might like to have a male friend down the road to go to events with and spend non-romantic time with.  But I really don't think much about that at this point.

I guess I'd have to say that I agree with PLin that it sounds like you are not truly ready.  That's not to say that it isn't a good thing to "test" yourself, but maybe you've been "pushing" your grief down a little too much when you do that just now?  I think especially that the fact that you are aware of how much you are comparing someone new to your beloved is a clear sign that you need to step back and allow your grief journey to evolve more.

It's natural to compare, but when that is the baseline, then no one can ever measure up.  Nor should they have to because your love cannot possibly be "replaced" like a piece of furniture or something.  For sure it would/will take a very special lady to both be worthy of you and to understand that your wife will always and forever be part of your life, not just your past, but the present and future.  She will have to not just be okay with it, but be happy that you had that kind of love, one that is precious and that not everyone finds.

So my advice (for what it's worth) is to not try dating right now, but instead maybe try to find social activities that get you "out there" and meeting people.  Things that you used to love, but maybe haven't been able to do since you lost your beloved wife might be good because you'd have an automatic shared interest with the people you meet.  Then who knows, you might meet a woman who becomes a friend and from there it could become more.  But I think if it happens you should let it evolve slowly and naturally.

Just my 2 cents, of course.

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BBB, 

I don't know if this will help, but this was my brother's experience. 

His wife of 30 years died of a brain aneurysm. He was devastated. For 2 years he was a workaholic/ hermit. Then his friends started setting him up on dates. They wanted him to be happy. He tells me the next 3 years were extremely hard on him, emotional rollercoaster, self-doubt,  feeling bad about breaking up with women, never feeling good with any of them. Finally he said, no more set-up dates. 

Two more years of not dating followed, then he met the sister of one of his group of friends. This felt right, and just developed naturally.  They have been married 14 years and are very happy. 

I don't think you can force it.  Your friends and family may think you should be dating, but how you feel is the only thing that counts.

Good luck.

Gail 

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@Gail 8588 Yes, it is funny that you tell this story. My counselor told me something very similar. Her son was married for like 15 years then divorced. He dated for years unsuccessfully and then he decided to stop dating. Swore off of dating. Then a couple years go by of not dating, he meets someone through a friend and they've been married for a while now. 

And honestly when I think about how I met my Boo, it was happenstance. It wasn't dating, it wasn't forced, it was just meant to be. I think that's the hard to understand part for me, why did something meant to be, end too soon. 

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I met George in an unlikely way...I was going through a divorce after 23 years of a toxic marriage...I'd written a letter to the editor about some views and he wrote to me about it, told me my letter was read at Promise Keepers and got a standing ovation.  We connected, and became friends, we could always relate to each other, understand each other, even though our backgrounds were so different.  As he said years later, it was a friendship that "grew wings."  ;)

 

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15 minutes ago, KayC said:

I met George in an unlikely way...I was going through a divorce after 23 years of a toxic marriage...I'd written a letter to the editor about some views and he wrote to me about it, told me my letter was read at Promise Keepers and got a standing ovation.  We connected, and became friends, we could always relate to each other, understand each other, even though our backgrounds were so different.  As he said years later, it was a friendship that "grew wings."  ;)

 

Man I always hate to hear the toxic marriage thing. I want to beat the hell out of guys who treat their spouses like dirt. I even get mad now when I see a couple arguing in public. I realize that it is a bit over the top but I watch them and say to myself "You don't even realize how lucky you are to have your other person, stop arguing".

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On 3/18/2022 at 10:17 AM, BBB said:

It may take 5 years before I am ready or I may never be ready. I did feel like trying was ok because the quickest way to find out is to go out and do it.

It has been 2 months since my wife of 22 years passed away. I am still grieving and no way am I ready for anything approaching a relationship. You mentioned it "may take 5 years before you are ready", no one knows how long their grieving period will take, and of course it is different for different people.  But for me, I am mentally setting a time of 5 months (not 5 years) before I start socializing with women, not dating or in a relationship, just light socializing like talking, meeting, dinner, etc.  At that point, I will make an assessment of my feelings and my grief (which of course in some ways will never go away).  I doubt at age 71 I will ever remarry, but eventually a healthy, committed relationship would be nice.  

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On 3/19/2022 at 7:01 AM, BBB said:

You don't even realize how lucky you are to have your other person

I remember George said that, we were going through a divorce and he couldn't imagine his treating me the way he did when to him, I seemed like everything he'd ever wanted!  A dream.  As it turned out later on, we turned into something!  And always we loved and respected each other, cared about each other.  We were so lucky.

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20 minutes ago, Allan said:

I doubt at age 71 I will ever remarry, but eventually a healthy, committed relationship would be nice.  

I don't even have hopes for that, turning 70 this year, George has been gone nearly 17 years, I don't date, don't do the online thing people nowadays do, have never met anyone with my criteria (which is simple, good values/beliefs, respect, loves dogs, sense of humor, supportive of my healthy lifestyle).  I mean, is it too much to ask?  So I keep on living alone...always alone.  It'd be nice to have someone who is a good friend, can do things with, be there for each other, etc.  So far, no luck. ;)

 

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